December 11, 2012 – Reality

Reality is setting in for me…reality that my son has autism and that it will not “magically” be gone one day.  I have kept this little part of me that holds friend’s reactions that “I would never have known he had autism if you didn’t tell us” as a token that, perhaps, we are looking too hard at Roger.  Despite the fact that Roger has had many evaluations that have come to the same conclusions, I still believed that perhaps he was not “that extreme” and that perhaps he could go mainstream without an aide.

The past few weeks have slapped me in the face.  I always glance around to see stranger’s reactions to my son.  Sometimes I even cringe at what he is doing.  However, I love him for what he is.  The “odd” behaviors are his personality.  When we go into situation with “typical” children, he is the odd man out.  BUT, at the same time, he is the one who appears to be enjoying himself the most, enjoying music more than anyone, enjoying dancing more than anyone, enjoying swinging more than anyone.

My husband and I were told by a mother of an autistic son that if, given the chance, his autism could disappear, she would not opt for that.  My husband thinks that’s a load of bull—-.  However, when I see him so full of life, I agree with that mother.  Don’t get me wrong, there is at least one time a day when I wish he could just sit still to finish a book (even a six-page book with 3 words on each page) or that he would not immediately flip out if a need/want takes more than 2 seconds to fulfill or that he could stop running in circles or shaking his head back and forth (even when he is no longer enjoying it but his body cannot stop).

I have been having massive mood swings.  I am constantly depressed and my husband gets the brunt of my rage.  I feel out of control a lot of the time, but don’t know what to do.  I am hoping I get a hold on things as time goes on and when reality sinks in more.

I love my son…I just hope it was easier (for him, for me, for my husband, for everyone).

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