Today has been a good day. That is, mainly, thanks to a great first session with a new therapist in Denton. I knew checking her FB and seeing her being a fan of Dawkin’s “The God Delusion” was a good indicator.
One of the issues with therapy is usually when you find you have nothing to talk about. Today, we gabbed and I could’ve talked more. One of our topics of discussion was the prevalence of religion and high-maintenance individuals in the surrounding areas. She understood why, once going to the neighborhood school, my stress-level and anxiety went up. She said she was told to try a Brownie troop for her daughter and it had many girls in my neighborhood (this was about 5 years ago). She said the girls and the parents were very entitled and, downright, rude to her and her daughter, especially since they were not religious. This makes me want to rebel in the opposite direction and show my opposition to the hypocrisy of most religious zealots. However, that is not my main focus, but it could be a fun side-project.
I am looking forward to my next visit in 10 days. I woke up excited to try a new therapist and left looking forward to going back. One cannot ask for more!
Today is not the coldest day we have had this winter. However, for some reason, I cannot get the chill out of my bones. I have to take Roger to a swimming lesson later and all I dream of is taking a hot bath and going under the covers! I am done accomplishing anything today, except for body heat generation.
I had a nice teacher meeting with the long-term substitute (who is a retired teacher). She told me how fantastic Roger is, how intelligent, and thoughtful he is. It was great to hear. She has no concerns about him. Who knew he would be so well-adjusted when we started this autism journey? Sure, we still have our daily shoe torture, but the pluses outweigh the minuses by far! I am so proud of him. At 7, he has worked harder than most adults I know. He has his school therapies, his private therapies, and his other lessons. He is definitely not a quitter and full of love. I think we have produced a far better person than either Rob or I am singularly — that is the goal of reproduction, eh?
Funny, spending those few minutes reflecting on Roger helped me deflect my fixating on how cold I am. I no longer feel so cold. I am sure I will have a different mindset once I return from my walk to pick Roger up from school and back!
Last week was a really tough week. My mood was incredibly low, as was my patience. There were many stressors in regards to deliveries, appointments, and feedback (or lack thereof) in regards to Roger’s academic progress. My week was filled with many thoughts all over the place and total lack of focus.
Today I have decided to try and get back into the swing of things. This is a theme of my life: out-of-whack week followed by an in-focus week (or attempt to that). So, today I have focused on work, exercise, my weekly schedule (and Roger’s), and some laundry and garbage chores.
Today, I had a podiatrist appointment (I need orthotics due to some feet issues). He politely stressed that I need to be healthier. I couldn’t agree more. I am hoping my motivation can remain. It comes and goes so quickly!
I have a new therapist appointment on Friday of this week. She is a “psychotherapist”. I am not sure how different that is from the counseling I have received in the past. I hope this time I “click” with the therapist. I always do some on-line research when I make appointments. On FB, I saw that she “liked” the God Delusion, so that is a positive to me!
Today was another good day. I was able to pace myself at work and to do some clean-up around the house. I was even able to get an errand done, a nice cup of coffee, and get a little break while icing my back and writing my blog. I have about 30 more minutes of free time to enjoy prior to mommy mode.
Roger is really excited for this evening’s plan. We are going to see 3 School of Rock bands perform in Lewisville: the first is Abbey Road (obviously Beatles’ songs) starting at 5 pm, followed by One Hit Wonders, and, lastly, Punk. There is another band after but figured we would stay until 9. It should be really fun and get Roger excited for his vocal lessons that begin in February!
Well, Sunday’s post was a total bummer. I felt so down in the dumps. My husband entertained my son out and about most of the day. When they got home and were so very sweet, my mood changed. I had my patience back and sat with Roger to do homework and get him ready for bed.
The next day I decided my number one priority was to make a doctor’s appointment. I decided whoever had the first opening I would go to: either my PCP, my orthopedic, or my pain doctor. Thankfully, as I was on the phone with the front desk of the pain doctor, they had a cancellation that afternoon. I had to take Roger but he was well-behaved but nervous, since I told him I would have to let the doctor know what had happened to my back.
Prognosis: a deep bruise in my core muscle. It is a large muscle that is mainly used in yoga, which is why Sunday aggravated it so much. Basically this muscle gets irritated when bending, stretching, and turning. Just all those every day things. It takes about 6 weeks to heal. It had been 3 already. However, since OTC and non-steroidal anti inflammatories were not working, I got prescriptions for prednisone and muscle relaxers. If not better in a few weeks, we will explore further.
Unfortunately, I had insomnia Monday night. I awoke at 2 but could not fall back asleep. I woke up at 3:45 and started work. When done with work in the 10 o’clock hour, I shut down my computer to nap. I listened to headspace and could not fall asleep. After a bit, I got up and cleaned the kitchen and showered. I decided to put in an extra hour or so at work til I pick up my son. My computer would not turn on. I followed instructions of draining the battery, removing the battery, all the tricks but nothing helped. I brought it to Best Buy. The Geek Squad said that it seems like I would need to buy a new computer. Fortunately, I bought the extended warranty. So, they sent my computer to be fixed or, if unable to be fixed, to be replaced. The ETA is 2 weeks. Good thing I work from home and that’s my computer, I said sarcastically.
Good news: I was able to set up my husband’s computer yesterday to be ready for work today AND I got a full night’s sleep. Today has been very pleasant with some back pain, but in a good mood which makes it more bearable.
This morning I had scheduled Yin and Sit Yoga and Meditation, some “me” time.
After waking up to Roger on the iPad continuously this morning, I decided to finish my weekend work while riding the stationary bike. I was done by 9. I then did homework with Roger and followed it with some fun karaoke. Then the time arrived: time for me, time for yoga.
I was in tears from the beginning movements to the final savasana. I was in total pain from my neck to my tailbone to my right leg. This is where Roger, my son with autism, rammed his head into my spine after not getting his way. This was on January 2nd and I don’t even remember what it was regarding. All I remember was it was post-massage as I plopped onto the bed on my belly and was peacefully lying there. I let out the loudest cry. It immediately hurt so terribly. I don’t think I ever produced a scream like that even when I broke my knee or ankle.
It has been three weeks and the pain has not gotten better. I have tried Tylenol and anti-inflammatories while using the heating pad but this has not helped in the least bit. I kept wondering where all my depression and lack of motivation came from at the beginning of this year. Today was my reminder. I am so glad that the majority of the class is done with your eyes closed, so others did not see the tears stream down my face.
When class was over, and that could not come quickly enough — that damn 75 minutes, I rushed to my car for a proper cry. Then the thoughts raced: have to make an appointment this week. With who? My primary doctor? My back doctor who I am not really fond of — seems too surgery happy? My pain doctor? Next thoughts: I really am going to have to cancel being teacher’s helper this week, my back cannot handle the copier. Followed by thoughts of that yoga retreat that accepted me on “scholarship” but is less than 2 weeks away. How can I possibly do a yoga retreat right now? I do not foresee my pain level being that lessened in that short period of a time – especially since specialized doctors usually do not have readily available appointments.
I told Rob to occupy Roger for a bit. I am in such a terrible mood right now. I have 2 loads of laundry and cannot even muster the strength to empty the dryer to put the other load in. And the state of the house is in total disarray due to Roger’s “box fort” building. I may hide myself away in the bedroom for the time being until I can cope better with it all.
It seems that for quite sometime now I have been waking up with my first thought being, “I cannot wait until bed tonight”. Each activity I do seems to lack any enjoyment. The focus of each is only completion: countdown til my work day is over and I pick up Roger, countdown between pick up and the class/therapy of the day, countdown to dinner and son’s bedtime routine, countdown til I go to bed. The next morning I begin the same countdown that ends roughly 14 hours later. How depressing is that? I can easily answer that: VERY.
Countdown to the end of this blog post: goodnight.