The Move a LONG Time in the Making

We finally got our asses out of TX and into CO!

My husband and I (mainly I) have been talking about moving to Colorado since I met him in December of 2001. I lived here when I was much younger and in a much different place in my life. I have lost touch with most of the people I knew here and need to start anew.

We have been here almost 3 months and I am starting to feel settled. Our house is put together for the most part (except the dreaded storage room that we should venture into and start deciding what should be kept, displayed, donated or tossed). Maybe I will add that to my daily schedule that I have not yet been following!

It’s very strange being back. I have dreamt about the backdrop of the mountains and have felt like I was on vacation seeing them daily. However, work stress kinda ends that vacation feel. I have hardly driven which also makes me feel like I do not really live here (Rob tends to drive more often when we are on vacation in a new place). Plus, we are still a bit isolated socially. We have done a few social things since being here and have been venturing all over Denver Metro but that aspect does not feel like home yet.

I had in my mind that once we moved here my motivation to live a healthier lifestyle would suddenly emerge. However, my allergies are still getting adjusted (it is still MUCH better than my allergies were in TX). Yesterday when we went to Ruby Hill Park (which has a mountain view, a view of downtown Denver, and a view of dirt bikers doing tricks). Of course, my allergies started acting up. Thankfully, when we switched locale to the Santa Fe Art District, they were back in check.

Besides our adventures in Capitol Hill, which is where I lived many moons ago, I think yesterday’s trip exposed me to a new area that I really enjoyed and felt more “at home” in. I hope to go there again sans the little man (who got bored).

Well, writing on this blog has been on my to-do list for many weeks. I am glad I finally bit the bullet and typed up a little something.

Hope to be back more regularly, but I make no promises!


My favorite day of the week is turning into Wednesday. After work and school, Roger and I listen to music for about 3-4 hours. I let him choose what albums he wants to play. He has even learned how to put the vinyl on and use a manual record player.

He has such eclectic taste with everything from The Beatles to Anthrax to DEVO. Yesterday, we listened to Motörhead, Iggy and the Stooges, and U2. He knows so much more about the bands than I do and always teaches me something new.

I am so curious what type of teenager he will be. No, I do not want to speed up time. I wonder if he will find his people in middle school or if it will take til high school. He has friends his age but none share his musical tastes. I guess Frank Zappa is not cool in the circles of 10 year olds!

Roger is just so amazing and I’m so lucky to have this special time with him each Wednesday.

Quarterly Blog

Looking back at the date of my previous blog and all my great intentions that I have neglected… I guess this has turned into a quarterly blog by consequence. But enough about that.

This year I have started taking care of all those appointments I put on hold last year – dentist, annual physical, annual dermatology check. In addition, this year I am fortunate enough to have my every 3 year colonoscopy too! I am focusing on my health. The beginning of this year my motivation was nil. However, I discussed this with my psychiatrist. For the past few weeks, I have started taking a new prescription and, I think, it is doing the trick.

This past year life was on hold but I am feeling slightly more “normal” since being fully vaccinated. We have been trying to make the weekends better for Roger – going to the zoo, heading to Dallas and Fort Worth. Yesterday, Easter, we went to the Fort Worth Museum of Modern Art. It was empty and so enjoyable!

There is so much I still have on my “to-do” list but enjoying crossing off last year’s rollovers and taking the time to enjoy the simple things with my husband and son.

For now I say adieu – Fingers crossed it will not be another 3 months!


Bliss has changed it’s meaning for me. Today it is simply meaning the end of the work week and the end of being a learning coach for the week. Almost 10 hours of staring at a computer screen – and still staring as I type this. It is going to be blissful closing the computer. I cannot stare at my phone screen because my son is playing Pokemon Go. I’m lucky enough to fold laundry and watch The Real Housewives of (fill in the blank). Unfortunately, I do have to work for a very short time (30 minutes) but early-ish in the morning for a Saturday (7 a.m.-ish).

Bliss has many meanings. For me it also means the absence of stress. Please no stress. Fingers crossed.

Just a normal Thursday

Last night I slept 4.5 hours. I thought I was going to get a good night’s sleep and 1 am arrives. I have to pee. Can I hold it the rest of the night? Let me debate this with myself. Conclusion: I get up to pee. A bit later feel the urgency again. No discussion, just get up. Trying to fall back asleep. I’m so sweaty. The heat is set at 66 and it’s 37 degrees out but it’s on and I’m hot. I get up again to lower the air one degree. As I’m laying in bed, I realize I feel a gentle breeze. Did I put the air on? Time passes. That is definitely the air. I get back up and turn off the air and lower the heat one degree. It takes me til after 3 to fall back asleep. I am dead asleep when my alarm goes off at 5:50 to start an incredibly busy workday at 6:30 and virtual learning coaching after 8 am. Both jobs are done. Can I now call it a day?


I am so depressed today.  I have been all consumed in work, watching Transparent in the background, and feeling sad inside.  Nothing has happened.  It has been a pretty stress-free, routine day.  I am wondering if it is such a sad-mood day because it is my first full-day alone in my thoughts.

My Diagnosis

As noted in my previous post, I had both my second appointment with my psychologist and my first appointment with her recommended psychiatrist.  I was not as anxious at my second appointment; my speech was not as rushed; my thoughts, although still rapid, came out a little clearer.  However, I still had the tendency to move from topic to topic, time frame to time frame, issue to issue.  The therapist showed me the note she faxed to the psychiatrist and gave me a copy as well (if lost in faxing).  There were a couple of items I walked away from therapy realizing:  1.  I internalize everything/am VERY sensitive.  So, if I know a person would not purposely hurt me, I am most likely misinterpreting their words/motives.  2.  In 42 years (with about 25 years in and out of therapies), I never really knew what I wanted out of therapy; what my goals are; what I am doing.

A visit to the psychiatrist is a stark contrast to seeing a therapist.  I had been to psychiatrists in my eating disorder days.   They seemed cold and I never was able to tell if medicine affected me positively, negatively or acted as a placebo.  Therefore, I stopped going and stopped taking medicine.  After I gave birth to Roger, I sought out a psychologist and she stated I had postpartum (believe me, I did not need a therapist to tell me that).  My primary care doctor gave me a prescription to Prozac and I never since consulted with a psychiatrist.

My therapist told me to expect to take some tests to assess my diagnosis, as well as conversation.  On any day, I’d rather take tests than talk.  However, first came the talking.  It was an anxiety-riddled collection of thoughts.  I was all over the place.  It probably came off as drug-induced conversation.  I never know what to say.  I say too much.  Trip over my words.  Feel embarrassed and idiotic.  Act like I’m a prepubescent teen who has no knowledge of herself and life.  Then came the easy part:  the tests.  The answer to most of the questions was Frequently.  And I thought to myself, “Don’t most people feel like this most of the time?!”.

My diagnosis, according to the psychiatrist (and first pointed out by the psychologist), is undeniably Bipolar Disorder.  My previous therapist gave me a diagnosis of Aspergers and OCD.  It seems that bipolar is sometimes misdiagnosed as OCD and that the drugs prescribed (anti-depressants like Prozac — that was increased to 40 mg due to the OCD) actually make Bipolar worse.  Bipolar Disorder requires mood stabilizers instead and a lot of OCD tendencies may be a result of having bipolar, instead of a separate diagnosis.

Although depressed over having a mood disorder, there is much to learn about the diagnosis and myself.  I wrote many different verses to end this post but none can sum up how I feel.  Please do not feel bad for me; do not pity me; do not state this is a false diagnosis; do not state I am strong and can do this.  I love your support but am putting this out there “as is” and not for input.   I have so many thoughts and feelings to sort out that I do not wish to misconstrue your words…

My therapy

Today will be an interesting day.

Last week, I started therapy with a new psychologist.  I dearly love my previous therapist (who is also Roger’s therapist).  She diagnosed me with OCD and Asperger’s.  She, too, struggles with OCD, so we had a connection.  Unfortunately, she is in such high demand that having a consistent appointment would not be possible.  She recommended the therapist I met with last Friday.

I think I overloaded my new therapist with years of information in such a short period of time.  However, two issues that I have had recent problems with and are intertwined are: 1. lack of sleep (yes, still 3-5 hours per night) and 2. my reaction to trazadone.  My doctor and previous therapist decided to switch my Prozac to a medication that would also be a sleep aide.  The amazing part of trazadone was that I was sleeping a whopping 6 hours per night.  The downside was I was not myself.  I was on the medication for 2 weeks and feel like it remained in my system last week as well.  My husband thought I was out of it.  I was in a haze, but then had bursts of energy where I’d clean, shop excessively on-line, make a million plans, be obsessed with my phone even with my son around.  I decided to stop taking it when my husband kept noting how I was not present.  Once off the medication, I started remembering all the purchases I made, my consumption with the stupid phone rather than life, how I should not have been driving, how messed up on a prescription drug I had become.

Describing the above to my new therapist, she suggested that I see a psychiatrist because my lack of sleep and my reaction to trazadone is prevalent in Bipolar Disorder.  I have to say my husband and I have used that term in passing due to my moody behavior.  She thinks I may have approached medication the incorrect way thus far.  I have not been to a psychiatrist since my eating disorder days of yore (decades ago!).  I am quite nervous.  After that trazadone fiasco, I am scared of any and all medication (except for my prozac and allergy medication).  I have a back specialist appointment next week and am even fearful of medication he may recommend.

There are many things I look forward to changing through therapy but do realize that medication may help me reduce my anxiety, stress, obsessive thinking, crazy mood swings, depression, etc.  I approach today taking baby steps towards larger strides in the future.

My solo staycation

After being completely overwhelmed the past few weeks (months, years), I finally decided to take a week off of work and just relax.  It has been over five years since I have had 5 consecutive days off of work.  At the beginning, I had plans to try to: 1. exercise 2. read 3. blog daily 4. reconnect with me….and the list goes on.

After feeling overwhelmed by the to-do list for my staycation, I decided to not have any expectations or plans for my staycation.  That has worked out best, for I have not done much.  It is Thursday and this is the first blog post I have written.  Exercise, Schmexercise.  I did disconnect from social networks for the most part this week (or drastically reduced usage from a typical week).  That has made me enjoy the silence a bit more.

Tomorrow marks the last solo day of my staycation.  I have multiple doctor appointments, so not too much fun or relaxation ahead.  I thought I would be bored by the end of this week and longing for work.  However, I would love to take another week off!

September has been a really rough month for me.  I have not felt myself the majority of the month and realized I missed my boring, old self!  Here’s hoping October weighs a little less heavily on my mind and body…


One of the things I cherish most about being in my 40’s is being free from drama.  I live a stable life:  married to a man I have been with since late 2001, been working at the same place of employment since 2003, brought a beautiful child into this world in 2010,  and bought our first house in 2014.  Do I yearn for more?  Sometimes.  I wish I had more ME time, maybe go on vacation, read a book, lay in bed all day, etc.

Autism has created any drama I need in this lifetime.  How will he react today vs. yesterday?  What will his meltdown be about this morning, afternoon, and night?  It makes me usually question spending money on a vacations that may be filled with meltdown or illness.  Therefore, we don’t venture out too much.  We take trips to the zoo or the aquarium, but our child is really not interested in either outing.  He wants to look at the fans in the cafe or go to the giftshop.  He always waits to be finished with the outing.  When we went to ICE, he basically fell to the floor and screamed to be let out of the exhibit.  It’s frustrating to lose that money and not be able to enjoy a holiday event with my son.  Will he ever enjoy these things?  Going to see Christmas lights in Orland had a similar blood-curdling reaction.  Again, we were in a line of cars and could not just leave.  Another past time I would love to enjoy with him.

Well, the next holiday is Halloween.  He does love Halloween.  He has to be Batman (like the previous 2 years) because that is the routine.  And, although prompted to say “trick or treat” before every house, he will ring the doorbell and ask “Do you have fans?”.

This is the only drama I need in my life.


Next week, Roger has his second ADOS.  For this process, our therapist and I have been discussing his first warning signs of autism, the stages he went through, what were the strong indications of autism and how they presented themselves, etc.  Yesterday, I filled out the parent assessment regarding Roger’s skills, behaviors, and emotional development.

I always state how fantastic my son is (and he is) but filling out the assessment made me realize how stressful our lives really are on a daily basis.  One day on FB, I saw someone ask a question regarding their child having about 2 meltdowns a week and if they may have autism (roughly around the age of my son).  Two meltdowns a week would be awesome!  We deal with 2 meltdowns before school, meltdowns in the car on the way home from school, after therapies, around mealtimes, with the going to bed routine.  If we only had two meltdowns in a day, it would be manageable.  Many questions focused on the frequency of tantrums, mood swings, anger, sadness, bodily harm, hurting others, etc.  I cannot believe the amount of times I chose Very Frequently.

The last portion of the questions dealt with basic skills obtained: hygiene related, verbal, academic – counting/letters, fine motor.  He does very well with basic academic skills such as number/letter recognition, but completely is lacking fine motor for school.  He cannot write his name without tracing it or draw figures.  In addition, he has great difficulty dressing himself and does virtually none of his hygiene without being aided.

It was interesting to reflect on how much Roger has grown and advanced since his first ADOS (3.5 years ago).  It was also very sad to see all the skills and behaviors he still has.  He is a gentle, sweet boy.  However, his limitations must frustrate him.  I realize he needs to learn better coping skills (as do I).  I am very interested in seeing his teacher’s assessment as well as the finalized ADOS.  This time it is not as nerve-wracking as his first ADOS, but it surely is bringing a lot of emotions forward.

It is good to reflect.

Physical therapy….for me

Today, I had my assessment at the physical therapist re: my chronic back issues.  The appointment was long and thorough.  I left with seven exercises/stretches to help my back.  The majority of these stretches are yoga-related or stretches I used to back in Chico post-exercise.  Oddly enough, I never had back issues in Chico once I began a steady exercise routine.  Hmmm…

When I started out trying to set the exercise habit, I took yoga classes to insure I would exercise for a full-hour.  If left to myself, I could quit halfway through but, due to my social anxiety, there is no way I would leave a class early. Once I became pretty strong in yoga, I started trying to incorporate more cardio exercise.  I took zumba  a few times until I started getting dizzy during some of the movements.  Then, I had a personal trainer for a few sessions that showed me a routine that I kept up  (expanding difficulty and duration) until I had my hysterectomy.

So, reflecting back, I believe I shall start my babysteps back….After my back is sufficiently healed by PT, I will start adding additional yoga to my routine.  I cannot wait to feel strong again!

Get Moving!

I waivered back and forth on whether to cancel Weight Watchers and discontinue the program.  I also started tracking calories on my Fitbit to see how many calories I am actually consuming.  In addition, I exercised Tuesday and Wednesday.  Yesterday afternoon I decided to stop by WW for a weigh-in only after today’s allergy shots (yes, I get 3 allergy shots each week).

Well, I did lose a pound since last week’s weigh-in and .8 lbs overall (in my 2 weeks at WW).  I was relieved that my weight did not go up and disappointed that my number was not lower.  However, I am feeling better emotionally.  I felt better emotionally after I exercised.  I have decided that, more than the calorie/point counting, exercise is really important for me.  Not just for aiding weight-loss, but for altering my mood.  Today, I also did my exercise (starting slow:  30 minutes and hoping to add more as time goes on).

I am not going to beat myself up on days I cannot exercise (due to schedule/health/appointments, etc) but I shall praise myself for the days I do motivate myself to exercise…YAY ME!

The Problem with Birthdays…

This past weekend we celebrated Roger’s Fifth Birthday (although it was officially on Wednesday).  We had a nice party at Jump for Fun (pretty self-explanatory: bounce houses galore).  Roger and his friends had a blast.  Like most kids, Roger could not wait to go home to open his gifts.  We allowed him to only open those gifts from friends at the party.  We were holding off on our gifts and the family gifts until his actual birthday.  After he finished opening all of his gifts in about 10 minutes flat, he started demanding more gifts.  I could not believe his behavior.  It turned into a full meltdown.  I realized he was tired and overstimulated from the day.  I tried resting with him in the downstairs bed.  He kept crying and screaming for more gifts.  I actually don’t remember how he eventually calmed down (and, yes, I realize that was only a few days ago, but my memory is not too good).

Birthday part 2 happened on his actual birthday.  We let him open two presents before school, bought cupcakes for his classroom at school, and were going to pick him up early to go to Chuck E. Cheese to celebrate.  The day through Chuck E. Cheese went pretty smoothly (despite my deepest fears of that place).  After Chuck E. Cheese we went to grandma and grandpa’s house for them to wish him a happy birthday.  He was so excited for his present.  I picked out an awesome Batman toy for them to give him.  He loved it but immediately asked for a second present.  Um…there was none.  After a bit of playing with the toy at their place, he wanted to go home and open the rest of his gifts.  He tore through them the same as he did with his other gifts.  One gift was broken.  I told him we would go to return the item later that day and get a new one.  Unfortunately, my husband told him he could choose something else to replace it.  Roger opted for a transformer and all seemed well….UNTIL he proclaimed he wanted a ride-on motorcycle with four wheels….a quad.   Now, to explain that a $30 toy does not exchange for a $400 quad bike.  I told him if he exchanged all his gifts he could get one.  Holy moly two and a half hour meltdown!!!  At one point, he went up to his room for three random toys he would exchange for a motorcycle: a stick and two microphones.  It was adorable but he did not like the reality that an exchange like that would not occur.  I told Rob that Roger did receive money for his birthday and could get a cheaper scooter ride-on.  We all agreed and went to the store.  After what felt like an eternity of sitting in various cars, looking at bikes, asking for large ride on cars and trucks, he eventually settled for two small toys that was equal to the original $30 amount.

Today is the day after his birthday.  I pick him up from school and what does he immediately ask for:  a new toy.  Hey mister this is not a new gift-receiving routine.

Holy smokes, I do not look forward to the holidays now.


At my son’s Occupational Therapy session, I sat in the waiting room.  There were kids who had many different diagnoses and issues.  One child (a preteen) was a very loud talker.  He first walked around the office looking at concrete objects in the room through a spinning app on his iPad.  He was naming everything he saw in the room.  When he was finished with that task, he asked a woman all about herself :  what’s your name?  what’s your favorite color?  what’s your favorite number?  If he did not like her answer, he would tell her what her favorite color or number was.

On some days, there are kids in waiting rooms of therapies that cannot handle noise, will cover their ears and hum noisily.  Sometimes there are kids who LOVE noise and will try to make as many things smash as possible.  Sometimes there are older kids who talk to themselves in conversation to calm themselves down.  Sometimes there are nonverbal kids who communicate more with grunting or leading.  Some children have physical disabilities as well.  Sometimes kids flap, sometimes kids rock, some kids may be geniuses, some may have an intellectual disability.

My son has been exposed to all different types of children and adults.  Subsequently, I have been exposed to all different types of people as well.  Prior to having my son, I usually felt uncomfortable or not knowing how to interact:  don’t stare, don’t ignore, what should I say? offer help?  Thankfully, over time I have had more and more of an opportunity to speak with, laugh with, learn and not be “uncomfortable” around people.  I thank Roger for that.  And, what is amazing, Roger never notes if a child is having a full meltdown, injuring themselves, flapping, screaming, missing a limb, looks “different”.  He just does not seem to notice or care.  Or is it the norm for him to be around?

Inclusion for me does not mean my child is included with  your “neurotypical” kid.  Inclusion should mean that your child has the opportunity to meet all types of children.  They need to see all kids as “normal” and not treat those with disabilities differently.  If only I had the opportunity when I was younger….

Me, again

Today is another post solely about me.  After yesterday’s post, I became my usual OCD self — looking up Weight Watchers, meeting times, FB groups, etc.  I ended up signing up for 3 months with meetings (there was a 20% discount).  I began my points counting yesterday and attended my first meeting today.  My stomach ached before the meeting: did not know what to expect, nervous to be weighed, and, overall, uncomfortable.  Upon arriving, they had log-in stations that are partitioned off for privacy on the scale.  The leader helped me sign-in, weigh-in, and with my paperwork.  On a positive note, I was .2 lbs lighter than I anticipated when I joined yesterday.  I was fearful my number would be higher.  Sticking with the positivity — damn, that leader, was so enthusiastic.  I am not used to happily, enthusiastic folks.  I am used to more neutral beings.

The meeting was okay and the orientation afterwards pretty unnecessary (I reviewed the app yesterday).  It was not earth shattering, but am hoping I am motivated enough to follow through.

My problems with food

Like a lot of folks, I am a bit food obsessed.  Not as a foodie or one who enjoys cooking, but one who questions every food choice.  I have had issues with food my whole life.  As a child, I enjoyed eating boxes of macaroni and cheese and watching TV.  This led to a chubby childhood, preteen, and teen years.  When I was younger, I hated recess and gym.  I recall being called a “tub of lard” while playing Four Square.  Fun times.  I did diet in high school and lost a bit of weight, had my first boyfriend, and, in the process, gained back all my lost weight.

Some time in college is when I fully became obsessed with food.  I remember dieting at a normal level (or maybe just “eating healthier”) — not eating bread with my burger, eating more veggies, and eventually becoming vegetarian.  At the same time, I lost a good amount of weight and I received so many compliments.  However, I kept wanting to see lower numbers on the scale.  I really started restricting my food intake.  I never kept a food journal but I believe I ate around 500 calories per day.  My weight continued to drop and my period went away (amenorrhea).  I started growing a little fur on my body (a protective layer – lanugo).   My weight was half of what it is now.  People no longer complimented but called my parents or asked if I was sick.

I recall when I broke up with anorexia.  I went to an italian place with my parents and could not stop eating.  This happened a few times and I felt shitty afterwards.  Then, bulimia became my best friend.  While anorexia accompanied me for about a year, bulimia was present for a good 8 years or so.  There were many things that occurred at that time — I really try not to reflect too much on those years.

Aftermath:  I am not sure what is linked to this as my history, but now I suffer from IBS, have problems swallowing, have reflux (that brings the food right back up), have problems with digestion (things remain undigested for long periods of time), my memory is horrible, have sleep issues, incredibly low energy, have eroded enamel on teeth, have difficulty losing weight — usually have to restrict to a 1200 calorie diet  to make headway, etc.  I have been in many therapies and still go to therapy irregularly (mainly regarding my OCD).  The therapists I have met in recent years usually think I am headed for an eating disorder or knew I had dealt with one without me having to tell them (due to my anxiety, depression, OCD, Aspergers and control issues).

Probably shared a little too much about my eating disorder history (maybe a little too little since it spanned about a decade of my life), but it helps to make me who I am today.

I want to get healthy but am afraid of becoming obsessed again.  I have decided to try out Weight Watchers beginning next week after Roger turns 5 (so I can enjoy the sweets!).  I really hope I can attain what I want without going to extremes.  I am going to try to remain honest in my blogging to hold myself accountable.

Sweet boy

My son may jump all over us and get a little rough when excited.  However, when he is around other little kiddos, he is the most gentle child.  He loves playing chase and tag and roughhousing without the actual roughhousing.  When I see a child push him, hit him or kick him, I usually say something along the lines of “that is not nice”.  So, yes, I am that helicopter mom trying to keep Roger safe.

An article came out last week which I will probably massacre in relaying.  It stated something along the lines of 90% of teenagers with autism are bullied.  Most are completely unaware as they think of the bullies as their friends.  These friends will manipulate, steal, make fun of, etc. their friend with autism. I worry about him entering public school.  I worry about what I do not hear or see on the playground.  I worry… The one thing I do not worry about is Roger being mean or rough with other children.  I have such a sweet boy.

Overthinking everything

Yesterday, I woke up and felt like hell.  I slept horribly as thoughts kept racing through my head.  I thought I must have the flu or some sort of illness:  nausea, body aches, sore throat, headache.  I made a doctor’s appointment for today.

Today, I woke up feeling pretty okay.  I did not sleep so well, as a near-five-year-old kept kicking me in the thighs.  However, I was not daunted by thoughts and could fall back asleep once I positioned him.  I no longer felt sick.  I still had a slight sore throat, but so very slight.  I felt happy, energetic, ready to conquer the world (well, work and my 30 minutes of exercise).

The difference:  support.  Yesterday, I reached out and spoke “virtually” with some mother friends to sort out my crazy thoughts.  My thoughts were not crazy per se…they were just driving me crazy!  I also decided to let the afternoon take us where it may:  picking up Roger, OT, rollerskating, talking about Inside Out, bath time, and, overall, sweetness.

So long overthinking — at least for one night!


Over the weekend, I have all these plans to reorganize all the closets, workspaces, files, toys, etc. when Roger is back in school.  Additionally, I plan on eating healthy, exercising, and blogging.  Then there is a restless Sunday night of sleep.  I wake exhausted and barely able to function and finish work.  I think, “if I muster up enough energy, I can start in ____ room”.  I then make the decision to take days off to work on the organization but do not do so in fear that I will be too tired to do anything on those days and have just wasted days off.

At least I wrote a few lines in this blog…


Being the self-absorbed person I am (and working alone in my empty house), I have lots of time to contemplate all the things I should be doing, critiquing the things I am already doing, wishing to be a nicer, more open person, wanting to be confident.  How does one move from the thinking to the doing?

In an earlier post, I noted that I have been taking tennis lessons.  I have really enjoyed the one-on-one lesson where I learn my forehand, backhand, serving, volleying, etc.  Last Saturday, I took my first group class (4 Saturdays).  At the beginning, I enjoyed doing drills with myself and one other woman who does not play tennis.  However, she is athletic and has a history in numerous sports, so she excelled.  Later, a third person entered our lesson.  As the lesson progressed, the coach wanted it to be a competition between the three of us.  I loathe competition.  I never wanted to compete physically or intellectually.  I really don’t want to start now.  I have three lessons ahead and already dreading the next competitive lesson.  Here is when I get self-critical again: am I just giving up?  I will most likely still go to the lesson but will be more prepared (emotionally) for the competitiveness.

Guess I will stick to solo practices for the future, the only competition with that is with myself.


So, I have ventured into a sporty side project:  taking tennis lessons.  While I believe I will not be any good at actually playing a game, I am enjoying learning the basics.  We have also purchased an elliptical and stationary bike.  Both of which I do on occasion.

Today,  I decided to do a 35 minute yoga video.  I have to admit I have never felt so out-of-shape before.  My constitution is so weak.  I used to be able to do these in conjunction with other work-outs.  It never winded me like today.

It’s time to strengthen up!

Waiting to feel better

My thyroid appointment on Friday went different than I expected.  The surgeon completed an ultrasound in the office and went over my sonogram with me.  From the looks of my ultrasound, I did not need a fine needle biopsy.  However, we did discuss my various symptoms (which still could be linked to thyroid or hormones or, perhaps, my extreme allergies, or some combination of all).  The lump when I swallow and hoarseness most likely are thyroid related.  She said my options are to 1. “wait and see”, come back in 6 months, and do another ultrasound or 2. if the symptoms interfere too much in my daily life, I can have surgery to have the thyroid removed.  I am choosing option 1 for the time being.

As stated in an earlier post, 13 days ago I started a new hormone therapy that my OB/GYN told me would change my life.  I am still waiting…Now, in addition to all my other symptoms, I can add the symptom of incredibly painful breasts.  YAY Me!  I left a message and am waiting to hear back.  The plan should be that they will give me an extra hormone boost and, hopefully, that’ll change things for the better.

In the meantime, I have been trying to be as “healthy” as I can seem around Roger. We went rollerskating in the park Sunday morning.  Last week, after he got better from strep, I took him to the pool.  I always feel badly that I always feel badly.  “Mom is sick”, “mom rest”, “mom needs to take a nap”, “mom is in pain”, “mom is going to the doctor”, “mom needs to sleep overnight at the doctor’s office”.  Roger has been bombarded with these statements.  I am hoping that he will not hear those nearly as often in the near future.

June 2, 2015 – Guilt, appointments, and fever

Today started out as a pretty good morning — Roger and I kidding around on the couch before he went to school and I started work. I reveled in the happiness and the giggles. I gave him a huge hug and kiss goodbye….

Fast forward to 10-15 minutes later…I get a call from my husband: we forgot to put Roger’s nap pillow and blanket in the car. Roger was having a meltdown in the backseat of the car and they were stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. I did not feel particularly guilty and vowed not to obsess over it, since Grapevine would be over an hour round trip for me to deliver the nap set.
However, about an hour into work, I receive an email asking if I could bring Roger’s blanket to school since he was  so very sad. My automatic reaction was, “I have to bring it otherwise I am not a good mom”. I had a bone density scan scheduled and realized that there really is no way I would be able to deliver it by noon. Of course, that did not stop me from obsessing  over it until I get an email from Roger’s teacher that said he got to pick out a blanket and pillow. He chose a Lightning McQueen pillow and was no longer sad.

At the imaging center, the technician was amazed that someone my age was getting a bone density scan. I assured her that, although my age may be 41, I feel like I am 90. The rest of my afternoon was pretty uneventful and work-oriented.
Finally, it was time to pick up Roger and go to McDonald’s and gymnastics. Well, he seemed a bit lethargic when I picked him up but we proceeded to McDonald’s. He wanted his usual: fries and Dr. Pepper. When the lady in front of us was handed a chocolate-dipped ice cream cone, he added that to his order. He took a couple of tiny bites of the ice cream, about 2 fries and ignored the soda. I started the timer for 15 minutes, so we would be on time for gymnastics. Roger looks at me and tells me he is not feeling well and wants to go home. He ended up having a slight fever and fell asleep on the way home.

After getting him settled on the couch, I get a phone call from my internist with the results of my thyroid ultrasound. There seems to be a “dominant complex nodule on the right thyroid lobe”…dabbled with vascularity and fluid behind the lobe…4 x 1 x 2.5 cm. Those are the notes I scrawled down. She wants to send the results to an endocrinologist surgeon for a second opinion. She thinks the surgeon will give me another ultrasound and a fine needle biopsy. This kicked my OCD into high gear on Google.

Mentally busy day. Now, let’s rest!

June 1, 2015 – My new year

Yes, I know it’s technically June 1st and not January 1st, but I feel like it’s the first day of my new year. The weather has turned from a blanket of rain to a ray of sunshine (and I’m hoping so will I)!

Today, I got on new hormones. Since I had my hysterectomy in May 2013, no doctor has seen it necessary to test my hormone levels. Well, fortunate for me, I finally made the wise decision to see an internist/PCP who ordered the bloodwork at our first appointment and gave me the information for a fabulous OB/GYN to work on my hormone levels.

Today, I found out that my FSH level is triple what it ideally should be and that my testosterone is non-existent which could account for my horrible sleep, headaches, overall fatigue, brain fog, and my high anxiety. It will take about 3 days to “kick in”. If I still get hot flashes and am still symptomatic, they will give me an extra boost. Although not covered by insurance, I am hoping this form of hormones will finally help, since the last two have not. It’ll be worth every dime.

Happy New Year to Me!

January 6, 2015 – Settling into 2015

It’s almost a week into 2015.  There have been huge changes in our schedule:  school, exercise, alone time!

Roger has switched from a 5-day/2.5-3 hour per day school schedule to a 3-day/7-8 hour per day school schedule.  It will turn into full-time once there is an opening.  Roger did incredibly well the first day.  However, he was yelling at me to put on loud music for our drive to Grapevine this morning.  Yes, that is another change.  Roger went from taking a short bus ride to having a 30+ minute car drive to school.  After Thursday’s class, I will have a better feel as to how Roger is adjusting.

I, myself, am loving the time alone when I work and drive.  I am sure I will get sick of the drive at some point (probably when I am feeling sick) but am currently enjoying it.  His new schedule also allows for me to fit in some time for fitness too.  What I have learned thus far is:  I am out of shape!  I am looking forward to building up my strength, energy, balance, and to regain a new, healthy life routine.  I will keep you posted on how all proceeds.

Open arms to 2015!

December 31, 2014 – Almost the new year

It’s crazy that we have had such an extraordinary year.  We moved to Texas in October of 2013 and used 2014 to acclimate to our new surroundings.  I must admit I cried when I knew we were going to move to Texas — a state I NEVER wished to live in.

I was born in Southern California, lived in upstate NY, spent my “formative” years in South Florida, lived with roommates for a bit in Athens, GA, moved cross-country to Denver, CO (where I spent 3 years living on my own and by myself and never thought I could live any other way), moved back to FL for a bit, then Southern New Jersey and Northern New Jersey, and, finally, with my husband-to-be in Queens, NY.  We had our fair share of moving:  from Flushing to two different apartments in Astoria.  When the economy went south, we moved to Northern California for 4.5 years.  Then, for my husband’s current job, we moved to a rented house in Flower Mound, TX.

In 2014 we decided  to take the plunge and buy our first house (in of all places TEXAS!!!).  This move has been an incredible move for us.  I *gulp* love living in Texas.  The year has gotten so much better with my parents moving nearby (a 5 minute drive), visits from Roger’s Nana and Papa for Roger’s birthday and our Aunt Janet for  Thanksgiving, our acquisition of health insurance for Roger that covers ABA therapy, and Roger’s acceptance (after being on the waiting list) for the Easter Seals’ Texas Star Academy.

The past few days I have been unusually happy and even-keel.  I am smiling all day long.  I don’t know if I’ve ingested something curious or if my state of mind has shifted.  Whatever the reasoning, I will gladly take it and wish you all the happiness I currently feel.

Here’s hoping you had a fantastic 2014 and will have an even more superb 2015!

December 29, 2014 – Routine

Today has been a much better day than the past few weeks.  I attribute it to having some semblance of routine/normalcy.  My husband had to work today, Roger had occupational therapy, we went to a few stores, and I also had to work this afternoon.  He was so excited to see his sitter — I am guessing he needed as much of a break from us as we needed from him!  Also, she is 20+ y younger than me, so she is full of energy.  He was able to ride his truck on the greenbelt, she walked him to the playground, and she probably had to push him on the swing for at least a half an hour.  Each of those tasks singularly wears me out (just thinking about it wears me out)!

I had initially planned on writing a blog about Roger’s massive mood and behavior regressions during break.  However, having such a good day overall, I think it best not to mention it for the time being.  I do not want to jinx myself!

December 28, 2014 – So many changes since my last post (8 months ago)

I know I have not been very consistent upkeeping this blog.  However, besides the shock that my last post was eight months ago, my bigger shock is how few entries I had in the whole of 2014!  With a few days left of this year, let’s try to make a bigger dent in our blogging…

I briefly saw that my last post concerned feeding therapy.  Well, we did not opt for inpatient therapy.  Roger was becoming very upset with the way therapy was going in Grapevine.  He never disliked going to OT before and we were having to cancel sessions because I could not get him into the car.  So, the first big change came in the form of changing therapists and, subsequently, the approach to his feeding issues.  We have gone back to the sensory approach v. behavioral.  His therapist saw that he needed a lot of sensory and muscle input for him to eat and accept new textures.  Roger’s diet is still incredibly limited, but we have seen so much more progress than he was making at his previous therapy.

In the past 8 months, Roger also attended ESY (extended school year) which took a bit of fighting.  Unlike CA where all special ed students receive ESY, here only about 10% of special ed children receive ESY.  He loved going to school, the bus ride, and the longer school day.  Unfortunately, his PPCD class this year is incredibly short.  In total, his classroom time ends up being less than 2 hours a day.  Overall, although it is inclusive, I have not been thrilled with this year’s program.

One major, excellent change is that we obtained a health insurance policy for Roger that will cover ABA beginning January 1, 2015.  This led us to re-examine various options, tour facilities, interview in-home therapists, put ourselves on  waiting lists, etc.  Well, it was finally our place on the waiting list and we decided the best place for Roger in 2015 is at the Easter Seals preschool.  It is an inclusive classroom (10 neurotypical children and 5 neurodiverse children).  He will have a BCBA overseeing his program, always making sure his goals are obtained and redefined, have ABA integrated into his full 7 hour school day.  Unfortunately, they only have a part-time opening to begin, but early in 2015 it should change to a five day a week program.  I hope he transitions smoothly.  He has been aware that after Winter Break he will be starting a new school.  I have also prepared a social story.  However, his overall mood and behavior during the month of December have been so awful that I am nervous a lot can be attributed to the stress of starting a new school.  I hate changes and “starting over again”, so I fully empathize with him.

December has been such a rough month and moody end of year.  Here’s hoping for an easier January (and 2015 in general)!