February 4, 2012 – Thoughts….

I am plagued with a brain that never stops thinking.  Yes, I could journal (or blog) but that does not stop the repetitive thoughts.  Add sleep deprivation and feeling under the weather and it is a recipe for disaster.

I tend to be more irritable, critical, emotional, impatient, depressed the less sleep I get and the crappier I feel.  I sound like a joy to be around, eh?  (Poor husband!)  And my thoughts take on all these characteristics too.

Realizing how our son is saying less and less real words….that he is starting to point and say “Na” to things (which is more than he has in the past, but far behind what he should be doing)…when I repeat the names of toys, animals, colors, object, etc. his usual response being “Na” or flapping or walking away…I start worrying that maybe he will remain non-verbal.  And then wondering if mute is the same as non-verbal….I mean, he makes sounds and yells and sobs, and repeats “words” : dadadada, mamamam, babababab, NANANA (he usually yells the last).

I told my husband the other night about how our son is pointing to objects (especially the clock) and screaming “NA”.  His pointing in the past has mainly had no purpose, but now it clearly is.  At the park, he pointed to the sky “NA”.  He is inquiring now.  However, as the people who had a far younger baby on the swing next to us asked, “How old is he?”.  I think the response of 18 months was a bit of a shock, since this skill is acquired by a one year old.

So, my thoughts started going into a grey place:  how about if he is just very, very slow.  I know that might not sound awful to you, but to me it does.  I know you should not throw your expectations onto your children, but I was the polar opposite of slow (not to brag).  I needed very little help with school.  I excelled in every subject. When receiving the local parenting magazine when he was around the 6-7 mos., I would look at the ads for Preschools in the area.  This one teaches French, Spanish, Sign Language…this one excels in Science and Math…this one is for the “future artist”.  I would sit in the bath and think about which one I would like our son to go to.  Now, I search for “autism preschools” or “special needs preschools” and am thrilled that ONE exists in our area.

I thought of a question I would like to ask the interventionist, but it sounds just so pessimistic.  Since a lot of children who do have autism lose their skill set around the ages of 2-3, is it possible that any progress that our son has in your program could be reversed by the time the program ends?  How about if there is no visible progress?…..

Such are the types of thoughts circling in my head on days like today…Hopefully, tomorrow I will be less sleep deprived and feeling better!

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