My problems with food

Like a lot of folks, I am a bit food obsessed.  Not as a foodie or one who enjoys cooking, but one who questions every food choice.  I have had issues with food my whole life.  As a child, I enjoyed eating boxes of macaroni and cheese and watching TV.  This led to a chubby childhood, preteen, and teen years.  When I was younger, I hated recess and gym.  I recall being called a “tub of lard” while playing Four Square.  Fun times.  I did diet in high school and lost a bit of weight, had my first boyfriend, and, in the process, gained back all my lost weight.

Some time in college is when I fully became obsessed with food.  I remember dieting at a normal level (or maybe just “eating healthier”) — not eating bread with my burger, eating more veggies, and eventually becoming vegetarian.  At the same time, I lost a good amount of weight and I received so many compliments.  However, I kept wanting to see lower numbers on the scale.  I really started restricting my food intake.  I never kept a food journal but I believe I ate around 500 calories per day.  My weight continued to drop and my period went away (amenorrhea).  I started growing a little fur on my body (a protective layer – lanugo).   My weight was half of what it is now.  People no longer complimented but called my parents or asked if I was sick.

I recall when I broke up with anorexia.  I went to an italian place with my parents and could not stop eating.  This happened a few times and I felt shitty afterwards.  Then, bulimia became my best friend.  While anorexia accompanied me for about a year, bulimia was present for a good 8 years or so.  There were many things that occurred at that time — I really try not to reflect too much on those years.

Aftermath:  I am not sure what is linked to this as my history, but now I suffer from IBS, have problems swallowing, have reflux (that brings the food right back up), have problems with digestion (things remain undigested for long periods of time), my memory is horrible, have sleep issues, incredibly low energy, have eroded enamel on teeth, have difficulty losing weight — usually have to restrict to a 1200 calorie diet  to make headway, etc.  I have been in many therapies and still go to therapy irregularly (mainly regarding my OCD).  The therapists I have met in recent years usually think I am headed for an eating disorder or knew I had dealt with one without me having to tell them (due to my anxiety, depression, OCD, Aspergers and control issues).

Probably shared a little too much about my eating disorder history (maybe a little too little since it spanned about a decade of my life), but it helps to make me who I am today.

I want to get healthy but am afraid of becoming obsessed again.  I have decided to try out Weight Watchers beginning next week after Roger turns 5 (so I can enjoy the sweets!).  I really hope I can attain what I want without going to extremes.  I am going to try to remain honest in my blogging to hold myself accountable.

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