This past week has rocked and I am proud of myself. With my constant physical, mental and emotional health issues, I have been barely existing and using my only energy for my son, Roger. This week, however, I have concentrated and focused on work, some light housekeeping, and, most impressively, exercise! I feel like I am getting back into the groove of life.
This morning, for exercise, I took my old walk path. Although living in flat Texas, the walking trails in Highland Village are incredibly hilly with “Caution: Steep Hill” signage. It kicked my butt, especially in this horrible heat (even at 9 am). However, I did enjoy the two quick conversations with strangers along my route. One had two adorable pugs (my absolute dream dog that I am highly allergic to….one can still dream). The other was an overheated lady, like myself. I thought to myself, “I love my neighborhood”…and “Although residing in the state of TX, I think I could live here a very long time”. The return walk sucked ass but I made it…what else could I do?
Yesterday, I went to kickboxing with a good friend of mine. It has been a many month hiatus and was glad to have the good company to chat with as I tried to keep my composure while working out. I really did not try that hard to keep my composure – cursing, stopping, heart rate too high. But, again, I made it!
Monday, I weighed myself and was my highest weight in my entire life – including full pregnancy. I know one should not put value in the scale, but it was the motivation I needed (now that I can be motivated, thank you meds)!
Yesterday I saw my therapist. She is such a busy therapist that I had to book appointments through the end of the year to ensure I would see her every few weeks. Prior to this brilliant scheduling, I was seeing a therapist her office recommended that I could book a future weekly or bi-weekly appointment easily at each appointment. However, I always felt a closer connection to my “other therapist”, so much so that I recommended her to everyone.
The psychologist that I saw for a few months diagnosed me with bipolar disorder due to my reaction to the drug Trazadone. Supposedly, mania while on that medication is an indication of bipolar. However, yesterday, my no longer “other therapist” but my sole therapist, stated that she thinks that is completely incorrect. She has never seen any indication of Bipolar. Instead, she believes I have pretty extreme OCD, depression, social anxiety, and Asperger’s. I agree with her. I never really felt the euphoria of mania.
This past appointment she did say that she has never seen me as energetic/awake as I was at yesterday’s appointment . I told her I was worried it was a manic episode and would culminate in a month-long depression (which started the above conversation). However, she said it appears to be other’s “normal” level of energy that I am finally experiencing since my hormones and medications seem to be stable. Geez, this is how other’s feel daily? I still get depleted by 5 pm but I am actually functional during the day. I’m actually focused and happy/content. I love it and hope it stays this way! In the past, I switched off these hormones due to the pain of injection and the uninsured expense. But, clearly, it is worth both!
I am relieved that this week has been so much better than the past few weeks. Something is finally working: the HRT, the Abilify, slowly adding exercise into the mix, fewer doctor’s appointments. Whatever the hell it is, even if it is my positive mood swing that may culminate in another month-long depression, I am thrilled to be where I am. The brain fog has lifted and I no longer feel like my mind cannot make simple comprehensions. I am actually starting to feel intelligent, once more, and not-so-overwhelmed!
This change could not have happened at a better time, since we head to the beach for a 3-day weekend. This is the last year-round schooling for Roger and it has been difficult to hide the fact that other kids have summers off. Our solution was to have three 3-day weekends (one each summer month). He is thrilled he gets to miss school on a Friday while his classmates have to go to school. I feel badly that he doesn’t get to truly enjoy summer vacation like the other kiddos. However, Roger does require structure and back to back scheduled activities. Even after his 8:30-4 pm school day, he wants us to go several places. He hates just going home. It is very trying for me when I get into my ruts. This week, I have been obliging with roller skating after therapy on Monday and the splash park/pool for three hours after yesterday’s school day.
Being exhausted by fun family activities is much more rewarding than being exhausted by just existing!
About a week and a half ago another Ausome mom referred to me as a blogger (as well as great source of autism knowledge, which I truly appreciate). Unfortunately, the blogger part of me has been non-existent for the past 6 + months. There have been many moments that I have thought, “I should really write a post right now.” But just as thoughts of exercise or cleaning the house, the urge was not great enough to open WordPress. There have been many false beginnings when I claim to write daily and I utterly fail within weeks (sometimes days). This time I will not make that claim, or any claim for that matter.
I have discovered that my bipolar and mixed up hormones motivate me at intervals when I sign up for grad school, get started on healthy eating and exercise, and try to “conquer the world”. However, that gets washed away and I have weeks and, at times months, of exhaustion, despair, depression, body aches and pains, lack of any sleep, etc. Right now, I am back on the saddle of plan-making and told my hubby, “I definitely HAVE to start grad school” in the spring. But, in actuality, I do not HAVE to. I want to. It’d be nice to have my MLS/MLIS but it’s not necessary to my existence or work. I am aware how fleeting my feelings are and may feel completely different tomorrow (or in a few hours!).
My poor family has to struggle with my struggle. I was doing really well emotionally on Trileptal but my sodium level plummeted and had to go on fluid restriction of 33 ounces a day. I LOVE drinking water. And during these 90+ degree days, that is insane! My medication was switched and I am starting to feel more even keel. In addition, my testosterone level did not even show up in bloodwork. I had to change my hormone replacement therapy last week, also. Let me tell you, having a hysterectomy was the utterly worse decision I have made in life. I did have issues prior but they did not feel as extreme as the past 3 years! My last issue was high cholesterol.
Geez, I am not even 43 (well, I will be in a couple days) and I have the issues of a senior. I gotta REALLY start taking care of me or my weeks will be like last week when I had 4 different doctor’s appointments. This week I only have 1!