What a pain in the back!

This morning I had scheduled Yin and Sit Yoga and Meditation, some “me” time.

After waking up to Roger on the iPad continuously this morning, I decided to finish my weekend work while riding the stationary bike.  I was done by 9.  I then did homework with Roger and followed it with some fun karaoke.  Then the time arrived:  time for me, time for yoga.

I was in tears from the beginning movements to the final savasana.  I was in total pain from my neck to my tailbone to my right leg.  This is where Roger, my son with autism, rammed his head into my spine after not getting his way.  This was on January 2nd and I don’t even remember what it was regarding.  All I remember was it was post-massage as I plopped onto the bed on my belly and was peacefully lying there.  I let out the loudest cry.  It immediately hurt so terribly.  I don’t think I ever produced a scream like that even when I broke my knee or ankle.

It has been three weeks and the pain has not gotten better.  I have tried Tylenol and anti-inflammatories while using the heating pad but this has not helped in the least bit.  I kept wondering where all my depression and lack of motivation came from at the beginning of this year.  Today was my reminder.  I am so glad that the majority of the class is done with your eyes closed, so others did not see the tears stream down my face.

When class was over, and that could not come quickly enough — that damn 75 minutes, I rushed to my car for a proper cry.  Then the thoughts raced:  have to make an appointment this week.  With who?  My primary doctor?  My back doctor who I am not really fond of — seems too surgery happy?  My pain doctor?  Next thoughts:  I really am going to have to cancel being teacher’s helper this week, my back cannot handle the copier.  Followed by thoughts of that yoga retreat that accepted me on “scholarship” but is less than 2 weeks away.  How can I possibly do a yoga retreat right now?  I do not foresee my pain level being that lessened in that short period of a time – especially since specialized doctors usually do not have readily available appointments.

I told Rob to occupy Roger for a bit.  I am in such a terrible mood right now.  I have 2 loads of laundry and cannot even muster the strength to empty the dryer to put the other load in.  And the state of the house is in total disarray due to Roger’s “box fort” building.  I may hide myself away in the bedroom for the time being until I can cope better with it all.

Super Duper Down

It seems that for quite sometime now I have been waking up with my first thought being, “I cannot wait until bed tonight”. Each activity I do seems to lack any enjoyment. The focus of each is only completion: countdown til my work day is over and I pick up Roger, countdown between pick up and the class/therapy of the day, countdown to dinner and son’s bedtime routine, countdown til I go to bed. The next morning I begin the same countdown that ends roughly 14 hours later. How depressing is that? I can easily answer that: VERY.

Countdown to the end of this blog post: goodnight.

Retreat Possibility?

Yesterday’s new therapist/psychologist/BCBA appointment for Roger went better than expected.  Well, at least, Roger’s reaction was positive to having to go to a new doctor that you talk to and play at and are talked about in front of.  Now that he is getting older it is getting odder for me to answer questions about him in front of him.  I am not sure if I am fond of the doctor yet.  She took lots of notes and said she had an Independence curriculum that we could start working on with Roger, since he is SO DEPENDENT on us (mainly me) for EVERYTHING.  I made 3 follow-up appointments and will, hopefully, get a sense of if it is a good fit by then.

That brings me to an exciting Facebook message I received today from a friend and fellow autism mom.  She told me about these Women’s Retreats in east Texas.  They have a Retreat Assistance Program to help pay for the weekend retreat.  The idea of having a weekend alone in quiet sounds amazing to me.  That has been my “dream vacation” for a long time!  On the same hand, the idea of going away to an unknown place with completely unknown people and an unknown routine is completely terrifying to me.  I like the known.  I like routine. I like the safety of predictability.

That being said, I applied and, depending on the outcome, I may face all those fears of mine so I can relax, recharge, rejuvenate.  In the meantime, I really do have to do more self-care at home.  Yes, a nice clean house is awesome, but so is a restful break.  I made a weekly cleaning schedule.  Perhaps I need to add-in a stretching, moisturizing, “do for myself” schedule.

Mid-January

Who can believe that January is already half over?  The weekend was better than I anticipated.  I guess entering it with anxiety and pessimism led to better things!

Saturday, we ventured to Ripley’s that included a terrible wax museum, a lame laser race, a cute mirror maze and a pretty good “7D” movie.  The wax museum was quite funny but a tad horrific as well.  Some figures did not resemble the celebrities at all.  There was a whole area dedicated to the “Pilgrimage of Christ”.  It was quite scary!

Sunday was pretty laid back.  While Roger and Rob went to see Paddington, I cleaned the house.  That was followed by a play date for Roger and a dinner date for Rob and I.  That was some much needed time alone!

Yesterday, I had the day with Roger.  We completed his homework in the morning, made some Roblox videos on his phone, went to Barnes and Nobles and Target, took him to his swimming class, had a play date at our house, took him to occupational therapy, and ate at Chick-fil-A.  It was a very full and pretty easy day.

Today is the beginning of my work week and I was able to ride my bike for the beginning of my day.  This afternoon I take Roger to a new psychologist.  Unfortunately, with our insurance change, there are not that many options.  I have not told Roger, and am a bit nervous to do so, so I am not looking forward to picking him up.  I do not have high hopes, so perhaps all will go well…

Weekend Anxiety

I am still under the weather with coughing, allergies, chills, some tummy issues, etc.  Unfortunately, Roger, as an only child, wants to be entertained.  This morning he was already talking about what fun things we could do later:  karaoke, games.  Thankfully, he is aware my back hurt too bad last night from roller skates that he took that off the table.  Of course, resting and watching a movie are always off the table for Roger too!

This weekend happens to be a 3 day weekend as well, so that gives me an extra day of “fun” to schedule for Roger.  I am trying to institute a family fun day on Saturdays to do something out of the ordinary (zoo, museum, Dallas in general, etc.).  Tomorrow, I am pitching Ripley’s Believe It or Not since it will be quite chilly.  We will see if everyone is on board with that decision.  Sunday, I hope to feel up to Yin Yoga and Mediation followed by a short date with Rob.  Monday morning is still unscheduled but I have a make-up swim lesson planned for 1 pm followed by a play date with Roger’s best friend followed by Occupational Therapy.

I just have to make it through today first!

Ohm

Today I feel pretty accomplished in the work, home and personal realm.  That being said, I still have half the day to feel overwhelmed and crushed.  However, I am going to try to keep a positive attitude on this gloomy, overcast day.  Although I guess that previous statement does not sound too positive!

This morning, on my walk home from Roger’s school, I had those same contemplative, philosophical thoughts I had mentioned the other day.  Then the major thought hit:  am I having a mid-life crisis?  That can’t be.  I had my mid-life crisis when I bought white roller skates with pink wheels a couple of years ago!  Hmmm, what could be going on where I am contemplating my life’s priorities?

The last series of Meditation I had just completed was themed Prioritization.  Clearly, the meditation is sinking into my daily life.  That is the point.  Maybe I should listen to the Happiness pack next and wait for that to become part of my daily life.

The Seventh of January

The first week of January has been a moody week for me.  In my head, I tried to keep positive with all the drama surrounding me.  I tried to keep patient with the cries of a sensory kiddo.  I tried to stay on task with my mind constantly distracted.

Last night, as we watched another uplifting show on Netflix, The End of the F***ing World, I was saddened and, clearly, philosophical.  With the attainment of all our possessions, what is the point?  What purpose do they serve?  Why was I so excited to have our first real bedroom set?  Why did I value my Roomba (that I almost broke and quietly lectured myself about) so much more than my peace of mind?

Well, today, with last night’s lack of sleep, I am again impatient, moody, and exhausted.  We have an “all day” window for furniture delivery.  I completed my weekend work for my “real” job and have a litany of chores around the house to occupy my time til the arrival.  However, after finishing my work, I meditated via Headspace and am now blogging for a moment or two.  Am I procrastinating cleaning the toilets or do I just need some rest?  It is hard to decipher.  I will sit here in quiet until the mood (or, perhaps, the guilt) drives me to do something else.