Good Morning, 44

Yesterday I was in such a foul mood all day that I had mentally prepared to write this blog about my 43rd year.  I will still write the intended post but I am not in quite the same sour mood I was when contemplating it.

I kept questioning why I was so depressed yesterday.  Was 44th the hard birthday for me?  People had said 40 would be hard but was not for me.  I was looking forward to my 40’s.  Why was turning 44 so depressing?  Then the realization was that last year was a hard year for me.

Physically, I had (have) issues with my back and had some other instances that I had to go to the doctor and, in one instance, the ER.  Hormonally, this year was utter chaos.  My testosterone levels went from non-existent to way too much and the physical ramifications of that are still rearing it’s ugly head:  body acne and body hair growth.  These were two issues I have never had in the past 43 years.  I had inquired at the OB/GYN how long I should remain on hormones (read 5 years).  They pretty much told me I could remain on them forever.  When I told my internist, she adamantly said 5 years maximum.  Since we decided to stop the pellet for 6 months due to the side effects, that means I shall remain hormone-free due to my 5 year anniversary of my hysterectomy is 2018.  Mentally/emotionally the testosterone made me more edgy and still is as I have to wait for all the excess testosterone to exit my system.  Besides the Biote hormone pellet, my 43rd year was full of medications for depression/bipolar/anxiety and allergies, as well as supplements.  I, with the help of my therapist, nutritionist and internist, have decided to wean off the majority of the medications.  Currently, my roster is fluoxetine, Zyrtec, multivitamin, probiotic, and vitamin D3.  I have cut out about 10 medications/supplements.

My 43rd year had been a year that I have dealt with being my most unhealthy self.  I have made small steps to try rectifying it but not consistently so.  In addition, 43 was a year of added stress:  Roger entering public school, my mother’s surgery, a short stint of returning to grad school, the passing of Snuffles, other family issues, etc.  Don’t get me wrong, there have been positives (mainly on the Roger front in regards to progress/growth).  However, I do not think I have allowed myself time for grief and that is why a low mood has persisted.  Is it too late to grieve?  How can one force oneself to grieve appropriately?  Does one just move past it and say hello to the new day/the new year and push through? So many thoughts as I enter year 44…

One thought on “Good Morning, 44

  1. Hi Leah, Try to calm down. You cant see it but you have made tremendous progress in the last 2 years. I think it is a good idea to wean yourself off of most drugs. When I was going though my divorce from Fred, I was put on the depressant Buspar (I think). The dr. gave me 10 mg. and with that amount I was sleeping around the clock. The dr. said that was like being knocked over by a feather! Well, I stayed on the drug at 5 mg for about a year. Doc said the drug was to keep me calm so as to not respond immediately to whatever was upsetting me – giving me time to think before I react. Well, that seemed like a good idea but now I’m getting depressed and sad. I told the doctor how I was feeling and he had the solution – viola! an antidepressant! Well, between the two drugs I was shaking constantly and DID NOT FEEL GOOD AT ALL! So on my own I stopped taking the two drugs. About 5 days later I realized that I felt wonderful! So much for the Psychiatrist at $150.00 an hour and his meds!

    AS for grieving, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. But you must decide what is appropriate for you! You are so lucky! You have Rob and Roger. Even though your mom and dad are going through their hard years, they are there for you and worry about you constantly. You also have the love and support of your extended family, and believe me we would do whatever we could to help you. How long to grieve – well Aunt Judy is still grieving for Uncle Duke. I am still grieving over my divorce (its 25 years and Fred passed in 2008). I think the best way to grieve is to talk about the reason you are grieving. Just because something is gone doesn’t mean you have to hide the love, laughter, and the pain. They are a part of you and others can understand or not, but you be true to you.

    Sorry Leah, I’ll get down off my soap box now. I love you. 44 is a good age! You will be going through more change – it is the nature of things…look forward to the changes. Only you can make you happy!

    Love, Aunt Nancy


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