Yesterday I was in such a foul mood all day that I had mentally prepared to write this blog about my 43rd year. I will still write the intended post but I am not in quite the same sour mood I was when contemplating it.
I kept questioning why I was so depressed yesterday. Was 44th the hard birthday for me? People had said 40 would be hard but was not for me. I was looking forward to my 40’s. Why was turning 44 so depressing? Then the realization was that last year was a hard year for me.
Physically, I had (have) issues with my back and had some other instances that I had to go to the doctor and, in one instance, the ER. Hormonally, this year was utter chaos. My testosterone levels went from non-existent to way too much and the physical ramifications of that are still rearing it’s ugly head: body acne and body hair growth. These were two issues I have never had in the past 43 years. I had inquired at the OB/GYN how long I should remain on hormones (read 5 years). They pretty much told me I could remain on them forever. When I told my internist, she adamantly said 5 years maximum. Since we decided to stop the pellet for 6 months due to the side effects, that means I shall remain hormone-free due to my 5 year anniversary of my hysterectomy is 2018. Mentally/emotionally the testosterone made me more edgy and still is as I have to wait for all the excess testosterone to exit my system. Besides the Biote hormone pellet, my 43rd year was full of medications for depression/bipolar/anxiety and allergies, as well as supplements. I, with the help of my therapist, nutritionist and internist, have decided to wean off the majority of the medications. Currently, my roster is fluoxetine, Zyrtec, multivitamin, probiotic, and vitamin D3. I have cut out about 10 medications/supplements.
My 43rd year had been a year that I have dealt with being my most unhealthy self. I have made small steps to try rectifying it but not consistently so. In addition, 43 was a year of added stress: Roger entering public school, my mother’s surgery, a short stint of returning to grad school, the passing of Snuffles, other family issues, etc. Don’t get me wrong, there have been positives (mainly on the Roger front in regards to progress/growth). However, I do not think I have allowed myself time for grief and that is why a low mood has persisted. Is it too late to grieve? How can one force oneself to grieve appropriately? Does one just move past it and say hello to the new day/the new year and push through? So many thoughts as I enter year 44…