Usually I love Monday’s. I get to get back into my work groove and my routine, which I love to be in. However, this morning, I had to have a work call with my boss first thing in the morning. The call was not stressful, but a small project was given to me for the day. As the call continued, work emails kept pouring in. On top of that, the dogs were barking on and off. Also, our dryer was being installed. I just felt so much stress. When I feel so much stress, I speed up my work and try to do hours and hours of work in a couple of hours. I become a tad crazy about the workload and try to complete it as quickly as possible.
I do not feel accomplished today. Instead I wonder why do I do this to myself. There was no time frame to finish the project but I put all this weight on myself to do a good job in an efficient manner. That is the worker they hired. I still work at that fast speed but now my head spins in the process.
This cycle of back pain – headache – depression – lack of sleep – utter exhaustion – lack of focus/concentration is burying me in a big hole that I don’t know how to dig out of. Also, my allergies have been making a comeback although it is not high allergy season. I wonder if my immune system is crushed under all this. I feel so hopelessly BLAH.
I start physical therapy tomorrow and hope that will start some good cycle. Secondly, next Monday I have an appointment with the pain doctor and am hoping that will help as well. I contemplate seeing a new therapist who may not be so much of a cheerleader but give me a kick in the butt, but right now I do not know if I could deal with that. I may have to physically feel better before I start feeling better mentally. Or should I work on both at the same time? With it being summer, I do not have many extra hours to work with to go to doctor’s/therapist’s appointments every day.
My poor husband has to deal with the brunt of my anger/grumpiness. I unleash it all on him. After I do or when I am alone, I realize what a terror I have become and feel so guilty. Yet, the next flare up, I do the same. I hope he realizes how much I love him and appreciate his support!