Up and So Far Down

The past two weeks have been a trying time for me.  I went to a new psychiatrist and started a new medicine.  It worked well and I had a follow-up appointment two week’s later.  Since all was good with my mood (but still having some OCD and anxiety) we decided to not increase medication dosage and “wait and see” for two more weeks.

I was in much better spirits, actually enjoying myself, not feeling as angry and not lashing out as easily.  My motivation was coming back and I wanted to focus on eating healthier, exercising more, adding in meditation, and doing a really good housecleaning.

Although my exercise was only about 20 minutes a day, that (with the repetitive motions of cleaning), irritated my cervical spine issues.  That’s putting it nicely – the cleaning and exercising caused significant pain.  I had to sleep with a travel pillow.  By Friday, my back was in such bad shape that I could hardly move.  To say it put me in an awful mood, again, is putting it nicely.  I have been severely depressed since the pain began.  Will I be able to function normally post-surgery?  Dusting the house exacerbates my issues, I recall from an earlier cleaning attempt.  Taking a scenic walk in our area caused my upper back to be in such severe pain, I had to take my muscle relaxers along with the icing and heating.

This weekend I have been in bad spirits.  I feel like I’m back in that place I was prior to seeing the psychiatrist.  I just want to be in bed.  I feel anti-social, unhappy, in pain, exhausted, easily irritated and overly anxious.

Will I survive a summer vacation to Colorado?  Roger is way too excited to cancel it.  Am I putting off surgery too long?  Will I be able to handle Roger’s birthday party post-surgery? Will I gain another 30 pounds being unable to do simple tasks around the house?  I keep going on and on and getting lost in my own thoughts.  I am hoping typing this out will get these thoughts “out there” and I will stop perseverating.

Is 6:30 too early for bed?!


2 thoughts on “Up and So Far Down

  1. Hi Leah, Pain does terrible things to us. It changes our appearance, plays havoc with our minds, and any number of related issues, as those you have described. I suggest the following, and I’m sorry if I’m repeating myself.

    Get a cleaning lady to come every other week for the heavy work, i.e. vacuuming, washing floors, and cleaning the bathrooms. This for you will not be a luxury but a necessary thing until you are feeling much better AFTER YOU SURGERY AND PHYSICAL THERAPY are completed.

    Make other chores like filling the dishwasher a dual effort with roger, you rinse and he stacks the dishes in the dishwasher. Make it a game, and explain where things should go. It will be a learning experience for him and a help for you. Reverse the project when emptying the dishwasher. He hands the items to you, and you put the high items in the cabinets and he can help to put the pots and pans away. There should be a reward after the task, like milk and cookies.

    Make a list of all the things you’d like to do and see if Roger can be incorporated into the task. I know the two of you are emotionally close. He may actually love being able to help you FEEL BETTER!

    I think Laundry is too big a chore for you right now and I believe you said that Rob is doing that. I certainly hope he continues to do it am I’m happy to hear that.

    I have always found that laying on a hard surface on your back relieves a lot of back pain. If you can do that for 10 min. intervals 3 times a day. It may help a lot.

    The only thing I want you to do is STOP WORRYING. It doesn’t help and only hinders you. The minute the worry creeps in, you have the strength of mind to say “Hell NO” and focus on something else. This is a task you must do and it wont be easy but you can do it! You know the lyrics: No Worry, Be Happy!

    Wish I were closer and could help you in some way!

    Love, Aunt Nancy

    Liked by 1 person

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