The Past Always Haunts You

I belong to a Health and Weight Loss Group for moms of children with autism.  Every week I post my weigh-in (as opposed to Weight Watchers where I have never lost weight).  This week I did not post my accountability weigh-in on Tuesday.  The scale said I had gained 3.5 pounds in one week.  I did not track my food properly and had Indian food for my husband’s birthday.  On Sunday, we had some alcohol, brie and crackers, pizza, veggies and hummus, as well as, Chocolate Overload cake.  I was embarrassed about my gain and was feeling pretty terrible about myself.  It’s so stupid to let the scale affect me that way, but it has for years.
Twenty five years ago I was anorexic and weighed, literally, half of my current weight.  I obsessed over food sometimes eating about 300 calories a day and exercising at least 2.5 hours a day.  That lasted for about a year.  As is pretty common with eating disorders, I then transitioned to bulimia for quite a number of years.  I ate a lot more in my binges, but probably retained the same amount of calories per day.  I still exercised a couple of hours each day.  My lowest weight was as a bulimic vs. anorexic.
I will never have a completely healthy relationship with food.  I think way too much about food every day.  I put way too much energy into my thoughts of food every day.  I either feel guilty about eating something I shouldn’t eat or eating too much or, on the flipside,  I’m too hungry from keeping within my calories.
If people are interested in my past eating disorder, please comment and I could expand on those very difficult years of my life.
They say the first step is admitting there is a problem.  I have admitted that for decades and the problem remains. It is not as bad as it was, but it is always there haunting my every thought.

One thought on “The Past Always Haunts You

  1. “I will never have a completely healthy relationship with food. I think way too much about food every day. I put way too much energy into my thoughts of food every day. I either feel guilty about eating something I shouldn’t eat or eating too much or, on the flipside, I’m too hungry from keeping within my calories”

    The above paragraph struck me as I could have been the one writing it. It was always my dream that I could earn enough money to hire a dietitian who would cook and present all my meals. Well that never happened.

    Leah, While I’ve never had bulimia or been anorexic, I have been fighting the weight problem since I was 10 years old. I completely understand your mental anguish, embarrassment, and in my case shame. I, too, have always been on some kind of diet and when I dedicate myself to that I can loose weight, but everything else is on a back burner because I must always track everything I eat and then plan the next meal. Looking for acceptable snacks like nuts and then eat the whole jar! It has been a life long battle for me.

    I think for both of us, we should (and I do) relax the standards just a bit to where we are still dieting, but are also giving ourselves some treats. It’s particularly hard now that I have diabetes, but I am very conscious of the amount of sugar in everything and try to choose the snack that will do the least damage. I’ve been the same weight for almost a year now. It varies up 2 down 2, but I then put myself in check. I’m still 30 lbs. over what is the ideal weight for my age. I probably will never see that, but I can live with my reflection and will continue going to Planet Fitness between 3 or 4 days a week.

    You need to be NICE to yourself. I have no doubt that you criticize yourself far more than anyone else does. I’m sending you a great big hug. Love you, Aunt Nancy

    Like

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