Yesterday was the day that the world would reset and joy would return. Well, maybe not quite that BUT I think a lot of people view January 1st as the day to reset and refocus on goals, projects, life. In the weeks leading up to January 1st, I envisioned the day filled with journaling, self betterment routines being discovered and written down, leaving the house and going for a walk. I let myself down. I woke up in so much pain (from my head down through my legs). No, I was not hungover – over 5 hours I had 2 beers and a glass of champagne accompanied by food and water. I was super congested (as most days have been due to my allergies/sinuses) which have been causing super headaches. My husband thought maybe I slept wrong. That usually is accompanied by a specific pain: neck pain or arm pain from laying on it oddly, etc. I was awake for a long time but unmotivated to get out of bed, even not wanting to open my eyes and look at my phone (which does not take any motivation). Much later in the day, I did spend some time alone upstairs trying to get things squared away. However, it was not what I had planned in my head. I thought, “Tomorrow will be different. I will wake up, feel motivated, get things done, and go for that walk!”
Today arrived. I awoke with the same congestion and headache. Thankfully, I did not wake with the same body aches as the day before. I told my son later we would go to the park so he could use his new scooter. After hours of watching “Cobra Kai”, we asked my son what he wanted to do the rest of the day. He did not want to leave the house today. He went back into the bedroom to play Pokémon Go and watch or make some videos on YouTube. I mustered up the motivation to pack away some of the holiday decorations – all but the tree and what is on the tree. “I should do more, ” I thought to myself but the lazy feeling continued. My husband asked about laundry and I decided to start the first of 3 loads.
Eventually my son did ask to work on some gifts from the holidays – Crystal Growing and Candy Making kits. Of course, we lacked the ingredients for the candy but we did start the crystals. My husband is out getting ingredients for those recipes while my son plays more games on his iPad.
I came up to my office to see if inspiration would hit. Did it? No. I just keep perpetuating the thought that I have let myself down. There is so much that needs to be done around the house – so many drawers of crap to go through, so many closets needing to be cleaned up, so many exercises I could be doing, so much dust around the house from the holiday decor being put away. My husband or son do not care about me accomplishing any of those. They love me as much whether I do them or not. I wish I could give myself the same love.
Spinning Wheels 