Being who I am I love to analyze myself. My analysis is mainly of who I am or what is occurring at the present time, near past, or close future. If I do think of the distant past, it is mainly terrible memories – when something bad happened – with a few happy moments intertwined.
My older sister has moved in with my parents to be the caregiver of my mother since my mother is wheelchair bound. Being around my sister, I start remembering the past more. I am not recalling specific events but mainly feelings of the time. I am putting together pieces that help me realize why I was so quiet, why I holed myself up in the room most of the time, why I did not seek my parents help for most of my issues. I was seen as the good child who didn’t need help. I probably could have used more direction in life. However, I turned out alright.
The more the family unit of my mom, dad, sister, and I are together the more I feel the past. It is amazing. It is not sad or happy. It is just awareness and my eyes are wide open.
Spinning Wheels 
Sounds like me. To this day, it is hard for me to ask for help. I feel like I should have the answers, when in reality, I don’t.
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Hi Leah, Perhaps this new awareness is going to be a good thing. You are fortunate in that it’s not bringing you sadness. When viewed through the eyes of an adult, things do appear to be somewhat different. We are stronger, we understand human nature better, and when we add to that the complexities of the human mind and body, begin to understand how addiction can consume someone, even though each individual has the option not to get high, many can’t do it alone, and many can’t do it at all. My years in Alanon really helped me put things in perspective and made me realize that I can only be responsible for one person. Me! Alanon really helped me to identify what was important. To not react in my usual “OMG” this happened now!” type of hysteria. Alanon helped me to understand that my life must go on and I must not let the actions of others take away my peace, my performance as it pertains to my life, and taught me how to respond to the ridiculous! Every action causes a reaction, but each individual is responsible for what kind of reaction there will be. If my reaction is not “a house on fire” type of reaction, I can sometimes get through things in a surprisingly satisfactory manner. I’m sorry if I’ve dumped my personal minutia on you. I didn’t mean to do that. But I sometimes feel we are punished in life because of the actions of others. That really isn’t true…its only in our minds. If we can move above that feeling we can soar!
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