Today was another good day. I was able to pace myself at work and to do some clean-up around the house. I was even able to get an errand done, a nice cup of coffee, and get a little break while icing my back and writing my blog. I have about 30 more minutes of free time to enjoy prior to mommy mode.
Roger is really excited for this evening’s plan. We are going to see 3 School of Rock bands perform in Lewisville: the first is Abbey Road (obviously Beatles’ songs) starting at 5 pm, followed by One Hit Wonders, and, lastly, Punk. There is another band after but figured we would stay until 9. It should be really fun and get Roger excited for his vocal lessons that begin in February!
It seems that for quite sometime now I have been waking up with my first thought being, “I cannot wait until bed tonight”. Each activity I do seems to lack any enjoyment. The focus of each is only completion: countdown til my work day is over and I pick up Roger, countdown between pick up and the class/therapy of the day, countdown to dinner and son’s bedtime routine, countdown til I go to bed. The next morning I begin the same countdown that ends roughly 14 hours later. How depressing is that? I can easily answer that: VERY.
Countdown to the end of this blog post: goodnight.
A topic I really wanted to discuss with my psychiatrist was if I should cancel my Cervical Epidural Steroid shot. I was done with steroids. But my psychologist felt this may be different than oral steroids.
My psychiatrist reassured me that since the shot is localized and not systemic that I should not have the systemic reactions I had while orally taking steroids. However, if it does occur (very slim chance) to call her immediately.
Well, today was the day. I decided to have anesthesia due to my anxiety and vasovagal. It put me to sleep immediately until they rudely awakened me about 30 minutes later. I was hoping to remain sleepy all day in bed. Unfortunately, I seem to react as my son does to being sedated: a surge of energy and inability to sleep. This is not the first time for me.
The night of my hysterectomy I was washing dishes and putting things away. Today after trying to relax in bed for about an hour, I decided to work for 3 hours. After more struggling, I finally fell asleep for barely an hour. Now, again, instead of sleeping I am typing blogs.
Fingers crossed this is not the steroids and that I do not have Roid Rage for Thanksgiving!
A few weeks ago I went to a pain specialist due to my chronic back issues. When deciding on when to book the appointment, I told her the following week I was having dental implants and will be taking steroids and antibiotics. I later commented that I had bipolar when discussing current medications. She then forewarned me of the issues that taking steroids on bipolar can have: whirling into mania.
It worried me, of course, but was glad to be fully aware of what may happen and warn those around me. However, being aware could not stop my rages. Unfortunately, my mania consists of becoming extremely irritable and angry. It lasted longer than the five days of the regimen. I didn’t feel like myself, detested myself, vowed to never take steroids again under any circumstances, and could not wait for the cycle to end.
After about 1.5 weeks, the mania started to subside. I was glad to have both my appointments with my psychologist and psychiatrist when the weening began. The bright side was being able to reflect on other past episodes that I never understood as being mania.
It was a week and a half of hell but also of self-awareness.
I don’t know what’s being pumped into our house today but we are all in crappy moods. Roger is whining over EVERYTHING and I’m extremely irritable which is a great combination as his whining is pushing me over the edge. I try to put on a smile and act cheery but then I get in a funk again.
I was hoping that writing may give me a revelation or turn my mood around. However, I realize now that I no longer feel like writing.
Life with bipolar.
My initial post was going to be about weight gain on my new medication. How I gained 4 pounds in the past month. My increased appetite with the increase in dosage. And how that shouldn’t matter because I am feeling in better mental/emotional health.
A phone call this morning made the weight issue seem not so important. One of my cousins passed away last night in an accident. I do not need to go into details related to the accident. Unfortunately, her mother has lost her husband and, now, both of her children. One of my first thoughts confirmed one of my beliefs that there is no god. Some people do heinous things and live a full lifetime. Some people destroy their bodies with drugs/alcohol/other substances and live long lives. Others pass away too soon having done nothing but live.
I’m not going to start preaching appreciate the life you have and those in it…although I did tell my husband to do so before he left for the movies with my son. I guess the point of this post (if there must be a point) is we focus on things so non-important such as weight while we need to change our focus to trying to be happy in our life. If that requires therapy, like it does for me, do it. Don’t feel stigmatized. I have felt happier (or more even keel) in the past 3 days while still getting into some tiffs with my husband than I have in the past 3 years. It takes awareness and work, but it is worth it. Do it while you can!
Today has been a day of waiting and wading through awful weather. I have gone to three back-to-back doctor appointments. Well, in actuality, I am still in the waiting room for the third. I am an inpatient person and have handled the waiting in stride. That last statement is conditional on the length of this wait.
You may be thinking: 3 doctor’s appointments in one morning…how old are you? Well, I’m 42. Although I sometimes feel ancient, I am not. My first appointment was my psychiatrist who is very cut and dry. Although this past week has been pretty even-keeled, I did have a few manic episodes in the past 3 weeks. Unlike the euphoria some bipolar have during mania, mine is filled with anxiety and irritability and obsessive thoughts. My meds were increased again and I am hopeful that will work better.
My second appointment was for my weekly allergy shots. It’s not an official appointment, but puts a dent of 45 minutes in my day. I have had severe allergies since I was little. When I lived in NYC, I finally decided to have shots, since medication did not work. However, after 10 months, I had an anaphylactic reaction and stopped them til about a year ago. Again, my allergies were making my life unlivable and my therapist urged me to try them again. I had the test and found out I was allergic to EVERYTHING except horse dander, cockroaches, and some strands of mold. I get 3 shots a week and have been doing much better.
My third appointment is the back doctor. I have had chronic back issues for the past 10 years, the worst being in my neck. I know a lot of that area has to do with stress, as well as degenerative and herniated discs and pinched nerves. I am still waiting for my 10:45 appointment. Only about 30 minutes late. However, this blog has kept me level. I’ll see if I go off the deep end now that I’m done!
I don’t know about the rest of the world but, for me, one day can feel like several disjointed days. Maybe it is because it begins so early and chaotically. Maybe because I have to make shifts between my jobs. Maybe because we are overscheduled. Maybe because I am exhausted from a lack of sleep and too many things on my mind.
Whatever the reason, today feels like I’m on part 2 right now. This morning was a lengthy parent-teacher meeting. They are very helpful, listen attentively and have great input. After the meeting, I decided to make a doctor’s appointment for Roger. He has had a cough for about a week that is so terrible at night that we are all sleeping horribly. I don’t think he was sick, but I wanted to double-check since he is scheduled for an endoscopy next week. I called from the school parking lot and scheduled a 10:45 appt. It was 9:15 in Grapevine which is roughly 30-40 minutes from our house in Highland Village. Instead of pulling him that early, I got some coffee downtown and picked him up a little after 10. The doctor reassured he is all good to go with the endoscopy and prescribed a nasal allergy medicine. She believes his coughing may be so severe due to his reflux issues. A quick run to Five Below for a transformer for being such a good boy (his words) and we headed home. Thankfully, my parents were able to watch him this afternoon, so I could enter part two of my day.
We arrived home minutes before my folks arrived. I was trying to bring all of our junk in from the car, get Snuffles outside to go potty, open Roger’s new toys, get a cup of coffee, take out the smelly trash, start laundry, etc. My parents always get to see me under a mountain of stress. A mountain of stress from just doing normal chores. However, I try to do all these things in ten minutes or less. I get frazzled, inpatient, snappy, pissed off, and super sensitive. Getting into my work flow actually calms me and gets me back into my routine. Clearly my Aspergers loves routines and gets upset when my routine is upset (as it was this morning).
Part three of my day will occur after my work shift. It usually consists of picking up Roger, going to therapy, getting his dinner ready and the bedtime/bathtime routine, and a quick interaction with my husband. Tonight, my parents are taking him to therapy (so I can make up work hours) and will be making dinner at their house.
I know I am lucky to have my parents available….and, yes, I did apologize for my earlier demeanor with them!