I slept! Granted, I am awake before Roger and trying to stay quiet so he doesn’t wake. The sound machine, ear plugs, cozy cover, and 1 Benadryl worked. Or else, I slept out of pure exhaustion which does happen on occasion.
I know I should take advantage of this time and try to sleep some more. Unfortunately, when I wake I am up for the day. The wheels start spinning and sleep is over.
I have no expectations that last night’s sleep is now the norm. However, I will take what I can get!
Luckily, last night Rob slept in Roger’s room and I got to sleep in our king bed. I might not have gotten the best night’s sleep (lots of tossing and turning and waking at 2 am out of habit), but I was able to fall back asleep and stay in bed until 6:30ish. I feel like a brand-new woman. I am the polar opposite of yesterday’s zombie. I feel refreshed, raring to go, happy, and not irritable (well, I am alone all day, so it may be too early to say that). I am enjoying myself today and getting lots done.
This afternoon, our new ABA will arrive to talk about our sleeping issues. It could not have come at a better time or on a better day, since I am functional. I am HOPING things getter better.
Currently, in the background, I am listening to Belle & Sebastian’s Live on YouTube. As if to be reassured in my “bigger” size, I see the woman behind the beautiful voice and music. She is not what one would envision. She is normal, not made up, what one may say is a “plain Jane”. But she is not plain, she is angelic as soon as the vocals leave her body.
I am so much more than my outer appearance. I have to remember that. Daily affirmation time?
After yet another 2 o’clock hour awakening (2:14 to be exact), I am a zombie. Seriously. I am no longer inhabiting this body. Something that is barely functioning in airplane mode is inhabiting my body. With today’s workload, I was unable to nap and am afraid the drive to Grapevine and back may be my downfall. I usually yawn my way there but hope I do not end up closer to sleep…
One may think my child will be utterly exhausted after a full-day of school after waking so early. HA! He will be raring to go and off we are to go to the CAC. I hear heat, humidity, and sun really wake you up. If I’m a zombie now, I can’t even imagine what I will turn into by 6:30 this evening. Seriously, I am trying to conjure what I shall be: a comatose zombie?!
Well, the happiness I had a couple of weeks ago ceased when I ceased sleeping “well” (I did not sleep well before but it has gotten worse). I have been crabby, so irritable, and a pleasure to be around. Luckily, today was my appointment with my psychiatrist. Again, we are trying a new medication. However, this medication takes about 4 weeks to build up in your system, so I have to remain on these non-altering, constipation-inducing pills until my next appointment on Monday, August 8th.
On another pleasant note, my son’s anxiety is through the roof. I guess having two anxious parents does not help one bit. However, my son is five and crying hysterically that he won’t be able to take his vitamins or brush his teeth before school because there is not enough time. This was not always so, as he has asked in the past, to take vitamins when he gets home. Each day his anxiety builds more and more about small issues. It seems some of his sensory issues have been replaced with anxiety regarding non-sensory issues. I wonder if that occurs….hmmm, will have to ask the specialists.
Needless-to-say, the household has been a joy….wanna come over one morning?!
As an infant, many people have their babies in a pack-n-play or bassinet next to their bed. The child will then be moved to a crib…toddler bed…twin bed, etc. in their own bedroom. Our situation started out much the same as we moved Roger to a crib…
| All was good until about 12 months of age, I believe. Exhaustion makes my memory hazy. Around that age, Roger would awake moments after falling asleep in his crib. I was not one who could do the “cry it out” method. Sooooooo, Roger ended up in our bed. Eventually, we brought his toddler bed, put it against the wall and pushed our queen bed against it. It was like we were back to the bassinet days. However, at this age, he would suffer through all these soothing rituals to try to fall asleep. Nothing worked for hours upon hours. Fortunately, our pediatrician recommended a very small dose of melatonin. |
Fast forward to almost age 6…
We have graduated from the “family bed” to one adult sleeping in the king bed in the “big bedroom” while the other adult sleeps with Roger in two beds pushed together….to two beds slightly separated….to two beds on different parts of the same bedroom. I am usually the lucky adult who gets to sleep in my son’s room. Recently, Roger has been waking in the middle of the night and climbing into the twin bed I get to sleep in.
Sleep…what is that? I am averaging 1.5 – 5 hours of sleep per night. This is getting absolutely ridiculous. Next Wednesday, I am hoping for a godsend of an ABA therapist who will begin our journey to end this Hell I have created. Wish ME luck!
Right now I am feeling incredibly anxious. What is the source of my anxiety: lack of sleep from a son entering my twin bed (co-sleep in son’s room but in different beds) around midnight through seven this morning; worry about my father’s surgery tomorrow; signing up for a Mother’s Night Out when I get socially awkward around a group of people; volunteering for the Autism Education Summit when I am now worried it may be too biomedical for me; spending money on a new dining room set; the combination of all those listed above?
I know it is silly to worry about such menial things (barring the surgery), but that is part of my diagnosis and one aspect of my personality that I am working on being more even keel.
Now, I am feeling quite anxious because I have nothing to write about…perhaps tomorrow my thoughts will not be as scattered. Stay tuned!
This past week has rocked and I am proud of myself. With my constant physical, mental and emotional health issues, I have been barely existing and using my only energy for my son, Roger. This week, however, I have concentrated and focused on work, some light housekeeping, and, most impressively, exercise! I feel like I am getting back into the groove of life.
This morning, for exercise, I took my old walk path. Although living in flat Texas, the walking trails in Highland Village are incredibly hilly with “Caution: Steep Hill” signage. It kicked my butt, especially in this horrible heat (even at 9 am). However, I did enjoy the two quick conversations with strangers along my route. One had two adorable pugs (my absolute dream dog that I am highly allergic to….one can still dream). The other was an overheated lady, like myself. I thought to myself, “I love my neighborhood”…and “Although residing in the state of TX, I think I could live here a very long time”. The return walk sucked ass but I made it…what else could I do?
Yesterday, I went to kickboxing with a good friend of mine. It has been a many month hiatus and was glad to have the good company to chat with as I tried to keep my composure while working out. I really did not try that hard to keep my composure – cursing, stopping, heart rate too high. But, again, I made it!
Monday, I weighed myself and was my highest weight in my entire life – including full pregnancy. I know one should not put value in the scale, but it was the motivation I needed (now that I can be motivated, thank you meds)!
Yesterday I saw my therapist. She is such a busy therapist that I had to book appointments through the end of the year to ensure I would see her every few weeks. Prior to this brilliant scheduling, I was seeing a therapist her office recommended that I could book a future weekly or bi-weekly appointment easily at each appointment. However, I always felt a closer connection to my “other therapist”, so much so that I recommended her to everyone.
The psychologist that I saw for a few months diagnosed me with bipolar disorder due to my reaction to the drug Trazadone. Supposedly, mania while on that medication is an indication of bipolar. However, yesterday, my no longer “other therapist” but my sole therapist, stated that she thinks that is completely incorrect. She has never seen any indication of Bipolar. Instead, she believes I have pretty extreme OCD, depression, social anxiety, and Asperger’s. I agree with her. I never really felt the euphoria of mania.
This past appointment she did say that she has never seen me as energetic/awake as I was at yesterday’s appointment . I told her I was worried it was a manic episode and would culminate in a month-long depression (which started the above conversation). However, she said it appears to be other’s “normal” level of energy that I am finally experiencing since my hormones and medications seem to be stable. Geez, this is how other’s feel daily? I still get depleted by 5 pm but I am actually functional during the day. I’m actually focused and happy/content. I love it and hope it stays this way! In the past, I switched off these hormones due to the pain of injection and the uninsured expense. But, clearly, it is worth both!
Spinning Wheels 