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Our son is the happiest little boy.  When he wakes up in the morning, he is happy and smiling.   As I sit in the “office” working, I hear him laughing and playing with the sitter.  When I get done with work and come out of the office, he is usually smiling, laughing, dancing, playing, or some sort of combination.

Sure, he has his meltdowns and tantrums and grumpiness, but, overall, we are blessed with such a happy lil man!  Most of his meltdowns are due to frustration (either in lack of communication or inability to do what he wants to do at that precise moment).  However, he usually bounces back quickly ready to play or dance or sing or spin again.  Even his frustrations in therapy are quickly dissolved and happiness reigns again!

Despite what his diagnosis may be, we do know one thing:  our son is happy, so we are doing something right!

Yesterday, the lil man did great in therapy.  He is playing so well, interacting more with his interventionist, improving his fine motor skills and signing.  At dinner, I announced, “I do not think our son has autism”.  That night our son ran to his daddy when he got home from work – a first.  My husband questioned my statement:  how do you explain all of his quirks (the flappiness, the spinning of the wheels, the extremeness of his meltdowns).

Then, we sat down and watched tv for a little bit and I said, “Oh you might want to know why the stroller is out.  Someone came to look at it.”  I placed the item on craigslist.  And I stated how the woman had her 10 1/2 month old son with her and how interested he was in our son.  However, our son showed no interest in either the mother or son, only in his stroller.  Even the mother commented, he’s preoccupied…She actually took note of his disinterest in her or her son a number of times.

As I relayed this story to my husband, I realize that an ASD diagnosis is not just based on his play with one individual.  He is interacting and showing us more eye contact, but not with others all the time.  It is interesting taking all this in.  So many facets to our son’s personality.  I love him so very much!

Hoping we get back “in the swing of things” this week.  Our babysitter had the flu last week, so I was only able to work during naptime.  I am hoping to be able to have some “me” time during naptime this week.  Plus, the interventionist was sick and only able to have sessions on Thursday and Friday.  This week it will be five days of therapy.

However, I did wake up with pink-eye.  Yuck!  Luckily (I guess), my husband just had it so I applied the medicine first thing this morning.  That put a little damper on my mood this morning, but I will not let it get me fed up the remainder of the day!

We had a good night’s sleep last night to make up for the horrible night before (the party our son decided he wanted to have from 1:30 to 5 in the morning!).  I am not sure if this is just a toddler stage or what because he slept terribly last Tuesday night as well.  I have heard the terrible twos actually start around 18 months and I think the tantrums that are occurring are showing that to be true.  However, I do still wonder if lack of communication is adding to this. I just wish his volume wasn’t quite so loud!  I think the neighbors think I torture my son!

Enough complaining, just looking forward to a more “normal” week (whatever that means with a toddler – and with pink eye!).

After realizing how post after post sounds so dang depressing, I have decided to approach this with a new point of view:  Optimism (which is totally unlike me!) and Openness.

I have talked with more people about what is happening in our lives right now and that has seemed to help me quite a bit.  I feel like I have been holding onto a secret of some sort and it is such a huge burden to carry.  If people cannot handle the truth or would rather not be bothered, then good riddance.  I am ready for people in my life who are understanding and open-minded.

This change of attitude has made the days much more fun and easier to deal with.  I actually may be a facilitator for a parent support group for ASD.  There is none currently available in the area.  I have called, inquired, discussed and been told that I sound like I would be interested in facilitating this.  Sure.  I have tons on my plate, but I can deal with this one more thing.  Being that I spend so much time searching for this and would be implementing quite a beneficial group.  A discussion with the supervisor next week and the ball may start rolling.

Therapy has begun again after Roger’s illness last week and his interventionist’s illness this week.  It is still hard to watch, but I am going to remain optimistic! (or try too….)

He is losing his words.  Granted, he only had a few:  uh oh, up, all done, Elma (elmo)….but they are gone.  Or nearly gone.  He used to say ‘Uh-Oh’ forty times a day.  I do not think I have heard that in a month.  Up…maybe I have heard that once last week.  Elma I think he said at yesterday, but then would not repeat it.  All done…that has been gone for over a month.

We were at least happy to have recognized this before our son had much to lose.  We were happy not to have a child with a fifty word vocabulary who pointed to pictures and called me “mommy” and wake up to having a child who could do none of that.  However, the loss of even these few words has been harder to bear than I could ever imagine.

I am mourning the loss…

Is it too much to ask to have a babysitter actually interact with my son?  I am paying you and I am in the room next to yours.  Do you not think I only hear one voice – my son’s?  Part of what we are working on in therapy is social interaction.  His sitter used to be better with the interaction, but once she found out we had to transition her out because his therapy session would interfere with her work and school schedule, she has started to leave early, be less responsive and less caring, over all.  I guess I cannot blame her.  When I have given two weeks’ notice, I am sure my job performance dwindled.  However, this is my adorable son.  How can you not interact with him?

On another note, is it too much to ask my body to cooperate with me?  First it was a lower back ache.  That has pretty much disappeared to only be replaced by a pinched nerve in my neck today.  What stress releases are there?  Drinking Stress Relief tea is not enough!  However, I think you need spare time to exercise, journal, meditate, breathe….Currently, the time is not now.

One more thing to get off my chest, is it too much to ask for adult friendships?  I thought I created a bond out here in our new town.  However, the person has been increasingly distant (or completely gone, actually).  She was one of the first people I opened up to about my son and actually broke bread with her on the holidays.  Is it too much for her to be my confidant?  Is she having her own issues?

Is it asking too much to be a decent human being?

Is my son on the autism spectrum or have a sensory processing disorder or is it just all caused by me?  By my tension?  By my inability to sit still during the day – having to tidy up continuously and do household chores?  Could this cause him not to be still and relaxed?  Could my stress have made him anxious in the womb?  I know there are a great many things I need to change in myself (be more patient, have less tension, be more flexible) but have these traits already negatively affected my lil man?!?!

These are my thoughts as I replay my anxiety of the day…of my husband being gone on a business trip til Tuesday night..which I am allowing to add extra stress to my days.  Day 1 is almost over (just need to complete:  bathtime/bedtime routine, followed by getting the lil man to sleep soundly before leaving the bed to do dishes and straighten up the playroom, his room and the living room.) …

My poor lil man is sick, again.  With bronchitis, again….His high fever is on Day 3…It has been wavering between a low of 100.6 to a high of 104.4 (at 4:30 this morning).  This is the worst I have seen him.  He’s usually all-over-the-place, now he’s either on my lap watching nursery rhymes, on my lap watching tv, or sitting on the bed.  And he’s been crying a lot — when he wakes before he has had his medicine, during his sleep, if I have to go to the bathroom…

This is the fourth time he has been sick in the past four months:  a stomach virus in NYC, a stomach virus back home, and two bouts of bronchitis!  That seems too much for one little body to handle.  I don’t want to get sucked into the DAN thoughts on autism, but when I Googled “autism & weakened immune system”, the entries were endless!  I will bring this up on his 18 month wellness check-up on Tuesday.  My pediatrician will probably look at me like I have two heads.  I won’t blame her, but I just would like an explanation why my lil man’s been well about 2 weeks in the past four months!  I feel so bad for him (and for me, I have to admit!).

Everything has been halted — his therapy, my work, the housework, eating, fun…I hope he starts feeling better soon.  I miss my lil man on the go — dancing, singing, spinning, smiling.

Yesterday was the second day of the lil man’s therapy.  It was quite intense.  It is mainly play, but play that is trying to create behavior modification.  At first, he was excited by the box of toys that accompanied the interventionist.  However, he did not realize he would have to 1. give eye contact to begin play, get help with an object, or continue playing with a toy 2. complete a task with a toy (even if he no longer wanted to play with that toy) before moving on to play with another toy  3.  use the sign “more” to continue playing with the most desired toys.

By thirty minutes into the session, he was nearing the beginnings of a meltdown.  He wanted to open the box of toys himself.  He likes his independence and he is more than capable opening the plastic container of toys.  However, he would have to complete the task and then “knock” for the interventionist to open the box.  At the beginning of the session, he was happy to comply.  By now, he no longer wanted to put forth the extra effort to “play”…

My heart went out to him.  He was so exhausted, so overwhelmed, so confused.  Why did he have to do all these extra steps just to play?  Why did it take so much effort to get his needs met?

I knew this would be intense and hard for the both us — hard for him to get used to following the instructions and hard for me to watch him go through all of this.  However, I did not expect it to be so difficult on Day 2.

This afternoon will be his 3rd session.  I am already feeling anxious about it.  He does not know to expect it.  I am curious what his reaction will be when his interventionist arrives today:  joy, sadness, ambivalence.

One of the hardest things to see is your child want to communicate so badly but even with so much effort only non-sensical sounds being made.  Sometimes our lil man strains so much to say something that his face starts turning red from effort, but he only releases a wail of a noise.  Other times he tries to tell us things in a string of sounds, but nothing reflects any actual words.  I encourage him by responding to his “sentences”, but we both get upset that the meaning is completely lost.

I feel so badly for him.  He is trying so hard.  We repeat words to him, but he is only likely to repeat silly noises.  I know we have to wait until 2 years old to start speech therapy.  That is a little less than 6 months away.  In the meantime, we will try simple signs and gestures.

This weekend went by so quickly.   I was not feeling the best, so I had my husband take our son to the gym daycare with him both Saturday and Sunday while he worked out.  Although resting is what I should have done, I did laundry and rearranged items both days.  However, there was a nice freedom to doing all these things by myself.

I am trying to think of some highlights of the weekend.  Most people would say the Superbowl, but our house is a sports-free zone!

The biggest highlight was that yesterday was the lil man’s 18 month birthday.  And it was a fabulous day!  We gave him a new toy:  a gear-turning toy, since he loves spinning wheels so much!  We also took him to the park, which was a lot of fun.  There was a time period when the park was iffy.  He was obsessed with the swing and would melt down if he could not start his park day at the swing.  Yesterday, the swing was occupied, but he was fine with playing in other areas of the park until the swings opened up!  He had a lot of fun running around and getting dirty.

We had some errands to run:  get a bed-rail for our bed because he was getting  a bit too close to the foot of the bed, Trader Joe’s, Safeway, etc.  I decided he should have a cupcake or some such treat to celebrate his 18 month birthday.  At Safeway, we saw a mini-Toy Story cake (Woodie – which our son is completely unfamiliar with).  However, at home, he wanted the cake so badly!  We tried to have him blow out a candle, which I ended up doing.  He was getting too excited and was trying to touch the candle instead. We gave him a small piece of cake, which he gobbled up in minutes!

But the real highlight of the weekend was playing with MegaBlocks.  Our lil man actually put a piece on the sculpture my husband was creating.  He removed it and placed it on again…and again…and again.  He has hated the blocks because they would easily frustrate him.  Block-building is our new pre-bath activity!

It seems he did hit a new milestone on his birthday!  What a weekend!

I am plagued with a brain that never stops thinking.  Yes, I could journal (or blog) but that does not stop the repetitive thoughts.  Add sleep deprivation and feeling under the weather and it is a recipe for disaster.

I tend to be more irritable, critical, emotional, impatient, depressed the less sleep I get and the crappier I feel.  I sound like a joy to be around, eh?  (Poor husband!)  And my thoughts take on all these characteristics too.

Realizing how our son is saying less and less real words….that he is starting to point and say “Na” to things (which is more than he has in the past, but far behind what he should be doing)…when I repeat the names of toys, animals, colors, object, etc. his usual response being “Na” or flapping or walking away…I start worrying that maybe he will remain non-verbal.  And then wondering if mute is the same as non-verbal….I mean, he makes sounds and yells and sobs, and repeats “words” : dadadada, mamamam, babababab, NANANA (he usually yells the last).

I told my husband the other night about how our son is pointing to objects (especially the clock) and screaming “NA”.  His pointing in the past has mainly had no purpose, but now it clearly is.  At the park, he pointed to the sky “NA”.  He is inquiring now.  However, as the people who had a far younger baby on the swing next to us asked, “How old is he?”.  I think the response of 18 months was a bit of a shock, since this skill is acquired by a one year old.

So, my thoughts started going into a grey place:  how about if he is just very, very slow.  I know that might not sound awful to you, but to me it does.  I know you should not throw your expectations onto your children, but I was the polar opposite of slow (not to brag).  I needed very little help with school.  I excelled in every subject. When receiving the local parenting magazine when he was around the 6-7 mos., I would look at the ads for Preschools in the area.  This one teaches French, Spanish, Sign Language…this one excels in Science and Math…this one is for the “future artist”.  I would sit in the bath and think about which one I would like our son to go to.  Now, I search for “autism preschools” or “special needs preschools” and am thrilled that ONE exists in our area.

I thought of a question I would like to ask the interventionist, but it sounds just so pessimistic.  Since a lot of children who do have autism lose their skill set around the ages of 2-3, is it possible that any progress that our son has in your program could be reversed by the time the program ends?  How about if there is no visible progress?…..

Such are the types of thoughts circling in my head on days like today…Hopefully, tomorrow I will be less sleep deprived and feeling better!

Last night started out a little rough with the lil man’s sleep…He slept for almost an hour in his crib and woke up SCREAMING.  He co-sleeps usually, but on occasion spends an hour or two in the crib.  We brought him into the bed and I tried soothing him.  However, his wailing would not cease which was making him cough and choke.  I brought him out to the living room hoping he’d fall asleep in a more upright position.  This had worked in the past.  He calmed down a bit and then threw up all over the two of us.  My husband and I did a quick cleaning up and pj changing for the lil man.  I rocked him in our glider and he fell asleep within minutes — this is not characteristic.  Usually once awakened, it takes hours to settle him back down.

With a night like that, today was a pretty mellow day.  I received an e-mail this morning from our new sitter saying she was sick and would not be able to work today.  (I started contemplating which one got the other one sick…)  Although I like my work time/personal space, I was a bit relieved that I did not have to get the lil man fed, dressed and the house straightened up before 8:30.

Instead, we leisurely had breakfast:  for the lil man that is oatmeal.  I have to follow him around and spoon feed him while he is engaged in much more stimulating activities.  For me, it is usually a banana and rice cake that I end up splitting with him as well!  I got around to some activities around the house that I normally don’t have time to do:  organizing drawers, washing reusable bags for the store, posting baby items on craigslist…And we both stayed in our p.j.s til after his naptime.

I figured the lil man would go down for naptime quite easily after last night.  However, he was all jumpy during his bottle and kept wanting to get down off my lap and walk around.  I kept insisting he stay put and when he was done, we went straight into the bedroom.  My son is not too cuddly of a kid.  If I put my arm around him at night, he usually removes it quite quickly.  Today, I was surprised that he wanted my arm around him.  If I took it off to scratch my nose, he would pull it back into place.  I found this the sweetest thing – but also made me certain that he must not be feeling too good today.  I let him sleep for about 10 minutes before I got up to do some work for the day.  I decided to only work for 30-40 minutes because if he woke up, I wanted to be next to him how he, obviously, wanted me to be.

The rest of the day was pretty standard:  walk downtown and to the park, swinging at the park, followed by a quick slide and more swinging, and a nice walk home.  I did, however, notice during his diaper change that he was getting his bottom two incisor teeth.  This could explain his upset stomach.  Once these come in, only his 2 1/2-3 year molars.

Today marks the first day of our son’s Extended Early Intervention Program.

We met his Intervention Specialist and his Program Manager.  The goal of today’s visit was getting the lil man comfortable with his new ‘teacher’, keeping him occupied in a contained area, and making eye contact when playing.

Normally, our son roams from room to room.  He picks up a toy in one room, finds  a new toy 30 seconds later, throws down the old toy, picks up the new, finds a new toy, etc.  Lately, he’s also been doing this with books.  He hands me or my husband a book, we may get one page in, he turns around gets a new book.  He hands us that book, we read a page and the cycle continues.

It was great seeing him happily engaged.  His usual demeanor is very happy.  Each page or so I do get to read to him, he flaps and moves his body up and down (parents usually call this flapping “dancing”).  He was “dancing” to all the toys the interventionist showed him.

The most difficult part of today’s session was his interaction.  He would try to take a toy or a bean (from a sensory bowl) and leave the area and play with it by himself with his back to all of us.  However, they kept wrangling him between them to make him interact and not go into ‘his own world’ which he tends to easily go into and stay in for longer periods of time.

Eye contact, which is also part of interaction, was also a challenge.  The interventionist would make him look her in the eye before she would help him with a toy or show him a new toy or give him a desired object.  Even if the eye contact was fleeting, she would immediately gratify his needs.  He tends to notice objects and not the people attached to them.  He has barreled through little kids for a coveted toy (not even noticing that there was a child attached to the toy).  And that is how he had started out today’s therapy: eyes on the prize and not on the person.  Hopefully that will change over time.

Although it looked like play, it must have been a lot of work for the lil man.  He fell asleep on an early walk downtown.  His nap ended when it usually begins!

Today made me very optimistic (well, cautiously optimistic).  The therapists were very thrilled to work with such a young toddler, since he will be in the program until he is 3.  Many parents start seeking out help after the age of 2 and get their children into the program around 2 1/2.  So, we may have a head start.

I don’t know what my expectations are or what the future holds, but my one goal is to keep my son the happy boy he is today.

It was our son’s 15 month wellness check-up.  My husband had to work, so I took the lil man by myself.  We had a few concerns over some milestones not being met by this age:  mainly pointing and waving.  I had read in Parenting magazine that these could be two early indicators of Autism.  I did not share that information with the pediatrician.  She asked a few more questions and I left the appointment with a questionnaire to fill out.

When reading over the questionnaire, I could see the majority of answers were “Not at all” in regards to skills he has mastered (or at least done once – which you can then select “Sometimes”).  I quickly filled out the ‘exam’ and had it in the mail the following day.  This was the beginning of November.  The 10th I believe.

Due to the holidays, it took a bit of time before my husband and I heard back from Far Northern Regional Center.  We were going to have our son’s first evaluation after Thanksgiving.  The time leading up to the evaluation I wavered between thinking my son is fine to thinking there are some distinct differences between him and other kids his age.  However, talking to my mom, we decided the evaluation would just “ease my mind” and that all would be okay.

Unfortunately, the first evaluation ended with an immediate response of another evaluation being needed and that he had shown some “Reg Flags” for being on the autism spectrum.  Two more evaluations followed with a similar outlook on our son.

Nothing could have readied me for the reading of the reports we received in the mail on Evaluations 2 and 3.  Upon reading Evaluation 2, it spoke of my son in such a depressing tone.  Fortunately, the report for Evaluation 3 included that he is happy and likes music and dancing (the little things, you know).

It is one thing looking at your own child and getting these thoughts stuck in your own head.  However, to have them reaffirmed by professionals.  As the woman who conducted the initial evaluation so bluntly put it, “His scores were fairly behind in most areas which pretty much confirms our suspicions of autism”.  That being said, he cannot be formally diagnosed until the age of 2.

Each day that passes, his “red flags” become glaringly bright for me and his father.  Things we had thought we had found cute for a baby are not seeming so cute for a toddler.  We seem to have to apologize for his quirkiness more and more.  And it seems that people  1. think we cannot control our child  or 2.  have their own suspicions of our child.  Either way, they remain silent for now (although we play their dialogue in our own heads).

The lil man is nearly 18 months (in a few days) and begins his Extended Early Intervention tomorrow morning, February 1st.  He qualified for the most intense program of 50 hours of intervention each month.

Thank you for joining us on this journey….

I thought some of you may wonder why this blog is called “Spinning Wheels”.

Spinning wheels is the one activity our son has been lovingly doing since a wee lad!  And, this is one of the “red flags” that may seem adorable at 11 months, but will be seen as bizarre the older he gets.

His wheel obsession does not apply only to his toys.  Toy cars, no problem. Turning ride-on toys and walkers over to play with the wheels, maybe a little problem due to his frustration if he cannot quickly get the toy turned over….The larger problem concerns strollers.  Every outing to the park, he beelines for stroller wheels and has to start spinning them.  He will do this if the stroller is occupied or not.  He does not seem to notice if any people exist if there are wheels to be spun! As I said earlier, other parents thought it was fine when he was a year old, but they are starting to not find it so adorable (and neither do we, especially if he melts down if he is not allowed to touch them or is moved away from them).

Unfortunately, this obsession does not just stop with stroller wheels.  Wheelchairs, bikes, skates, and strollers are all equally loved.  However, the strollers seem the most accessible to him at the moment!

My blog.com site is up!  I can now copy and paste all my previous posts to my new site.

Please read and enjoy!