Category: depression

Thankfully, today I do not feel as FLAT as yesterday.  There are some bumps today.  This is odd because last night was my worst night’s sleep in weeks.

Do I function better with terrible sleep?  Is that my normal?  I was able to straighten up parts of the house and do some loads of laundry.  I was even able to paint my nails.  How much I’ve accomplished!

I am glad to have some of my glimmer back.  It’s been long overdue.

 

My mood is flat.  My temperament is flat.  I am not my usual bubbly self.  Okay, so I may not normally be bubbly but compared to my current disposition…

My therapist said she has never seen me so “meh”.  She thinks that although fluoxetine was enough in the past, that post-hysterectomy me may need an additional medication.  She fears my blah may turn into full-out depression.  She suggests adding Wellbutrin/Buproprin.  I agree with her.

I left a voicemail with my physician.

End of post.  Flat.

Today life seems overwhelming.

I do not, necessarily, have a long to-do list for today, per se.  It is my life’s to-do list which is overwhelming me.

Why do I start obsessing over tomorrow or next week or next month or next year?

Perhaps the steroids I am taking for my rash are not helping.  My heart is racing a bit and I am sure they have something to do with that.  Only three more days and, hopefully, they will start weaning from my body.

Short blog = too many thoughts (and not one to truly focus on).

 

Over the past few days, I have been trying to write a new blog post but unable to do so.  The thoughts get a bit jumbled.  It all sounds flat.  Today I hope to get at least a coherent thought out “on paper”.

As has been a topic of several old posts, my medications have had to change once again.  Sunday, I awoke with a full-body rash.  To put it lightly, it was a little disarming.  I called my psychiatrist (voicemail) and my physician (voicemail number 2).  As I was panicking and feeling itchier by the minute, I missed my doctor’s return call.  She told me to stop my lamotrigine and talk to my psychiatrist on Monday, take Benadryl, and go to urgent care for steroid shots if the rash was bad.  Due to the vastness of the rash, I decided to head to urgent care.

Once seen by the doctor, I was immediately diagnosed with a drug rash.  However, they could not be certain if the rash was caused by the lamotrigine (which has a severe warning for rashes) or the sulfa- antibiotic I was taking (also known for rashes).  Since I started both at similar times, they told me to end both, gave me a new antibiotic to start and told me, once again, to talk to both of my doctors the following morning.  I also got the parting gift of two steroid shots (one that would act immediately and one that was long acting).

In addition to stopping the lamotrigine, I decided to stop taking the Abilify  I was weaning off of when increasing the lamotrigine.  That leaves me taking 20 mg of fluoxetine daily.  While living in California, I was only taking the fluoxetine, exercising, eating healthy, and was in great spirits.

The move to Texas, the full-hysterectomy, and the stressors of life affected me greatly.  My therapist and I do not believe I require the strong prescriptions the psychiatrist has been suggesting and supports my decision to only take fluoxetine for the time being (while adding exercise and healthy habits).  I have had severe weight gain from all these psychiatric meds as well, which does not help one who suffers from depression.

I am ready to shed most of the meds with the help of my therapist, doctor, and support system.  I am also ready to shed some of this weight!

 

It’s been about a week since my last post and it’s hard to blog after the hiatus.

To begin with, we went to Oklahoma City for the weekend.  Due to the incredibly high temps, we mainly visited museums: The Toy/Action Figure Museum, the Banjo Museum, the Osteology Museum, and the Oklahoma City National Monument and Museum.  I feel like a cloud of sadness has surrounded me since visiting.  There are too many emotions to put into words, so I will let that be.

On a lighter note, I returned with a bad thumb infection.  The infection and mega-antibiotics made me quite sick for a few days’ time.  Nothing seemed to matter except rest and getting Roger taken care of.  I even took time off of work, which is a rarity.  Yesterday, the doctor had to take “thumb matters” into her own hands (punster).  She got the infection out of my thumb and I am feeling much better today.  Yesterday, nausea followed the infection extraction.

Today, I have been trying to clear the clutter of work and my neglected house.  Clutter makes me unfocused and unhappy.  Perhaps today’s organization will shrink that cloud of sadness.

I’ve been focusing these posts so much on me that I have neglected to write about the person that led me to blog to begin with, my son.  It is nearing his sixth birthday and I feel like changes in him are occurring daily.

It’s amazing how far he has advanced in the past month.  He will have (somewhat) reciprocal conversations, tell you his feelings and ask about yours, answer questions directed to him or even not directed to him (ie, the TV), and he now sleeps in his bedroom alone!!!  We are still in the prize stage of sleeping alone (which can be equated to prize stage for potty training).  I did tell him that the prizes will start to occur less frequently.  However, it seems the biggest prize for him is 1) waking me up once his clock tells him it is OK to and 2) having just the 2 of us watch TV up in his room in the morning.

The speed at which the switch over to “independent” sleeping mimics his switch from pull-ups to potty training.  It took YEARS to occur but the final push was quick.  Geez, that mimics my labor too.

Now, our big issue is to find other things to work on in ABA.  Poor us! (sarcasm)

Things are falling into place and optimism is trickling in.  Although by nighttime, my optimism tends to fly out the window.

Today, I had a therapy appointment with an amazing therapist and a fantastic individual.  I discussed my involvement on the SEPTSA board (Special Education PTSA), my plans to volunteer at Roger’s elementary school, my work projects, and my plans to delay, or not even seek, my graduate degree.  However, my therapist believes I can do all of the above.  I may have to lower my expectations (choose to get B’s in school so I can still focus on my family and interests).  Even though, wholeheartedly accepting a B seems quite a stretch for me, I do think I am going to exercise the thinking that I will try my best but do not want to neglect all other areas of life.

Though I had a troubled night sleep due to the above worries and the possibility that the decaf I ordered yesterday was actually caffeinated coffee, I am feeling refreshed, renewed, and optimistic.

I felt overwhelmed this morning but feel READY this afternoon!

Right now I am feeling incredibly anxious.  What is the source of my anxiety: lack of sleep from a son entering my twin bed (co-sleep in son’s room but in different beds) around midnight through seven this morning; worry about my father’s surgery tomorrow; signing up for a Mother’s Night Out when I get socially awkward around a group of people; volunteering for the Autism Education Summit when I am now worried it may be too biomedical for me; spending money on a new dining room set; the combination of all those listed above?

I know it is silly to worry about such menial things (barring the surgery), but that is part of my diagnosis and one aspect of my personality that I am working on being more even keel.

Now, I am feeling quite anxious because I have nothing to write about…perhaps tomorrow my thoughts will not be as scattered.  Stay tuned!