The first week of January has been a moody week for me. In my head, I tried to keep positive with all the drama surrounding me. I tried to keep patient with the cries of a sensory kiddo. I tried to stay on task with my mind constantly distracted.
Last night, as we watched another uplifting show on Netflix, The End of the F***ing World, I was saddened and, clearly, philosophical. With the attainment of all our possessions, what is the point? What purpose do they serve? Why was I so excited to have our first real bedroom set? Why did I value my Roomba (that I almost broke and quietly lectured myself about) so much more than my peace of mind?
Well, today, with last night’s lack of sleep, I am again impatient, moody, and exhausted. We have an “all day” window for furniture delivery. I completed my weekend work for my “real” job and have a litany of chores around the house to occupy my time til the arrival. However, after finishing my work, I meditated via Headspace and am now blogging for a moment or two. Am I procrastinating cleaning the toilets or do I just need some rest? It is hard to decipher. I will sit here in quiet until the mood (or, perhaps, the guilt) drives me to do something else.
Quite a poetic title, eh? Yesterday’s family drama and my son’s sensory issues continued today.
Last night, I had a phone call while I was in bed for sleep. I decided not to answer it. The day exhausted me and I just wanted sleep. This morning I see complaints of this person on social media that no one helps and the blaming of others. I corrected them on both accounts. The person is an adult with a child and acting like a pre-teen with middle school hormones. In the past, I have been very gentle with them, always giving a listening ear. We had given money in the past and the same bad decisions were made repeatedly. This time it was too much. My parents had given so much and yet complaints of “no family” and “no help” lingered all over Facebook. I contacted this person via Messenger and was, for the first time, very direct and blunt. I guess it was not what was desired and I was blocked from conversing after I got a juvenile response. I texted my response and, again, was given the “no family” and “everyone can go to hell” line.
I felt at peace for finally voicing my true opinion. However, I heard from my parents of another horrendous decision made and I have been obsessing over it all day. I keep telling myself not to harp on about it, but then my thoughts go back.
In my conversation with my mother, I finally unloaded all the current issues we have been having with our son and his sensory processing disorder. The continual battles about shoes, about shirts that do not fit correctly, about one drop of water on his shirt causing a meltdown. I usually keep this all inside or, lately, have been blogging about it. She had no idea things were getting so tough with Roger again.
The one thing I was taught since Roger started early intervention at 18 months was that autism is cyclical. There are ups and downs, regressions and progress. What I remember from that time was that the downs outlasted the ups. I guess I have been spoiled by all the progress because this regression in behavior is becoming unbearable. It slowly began during the summer and has been advancing since first grade began. He is great at school but not so good at home and at his therapies.
I guess instead of obsessing over someone who is unhelpable, I need to concentrate my efforts and figure out what steps we need to take to break Roger out of his current cycle.
Being a responsible parent is hard.
The second day of the year was not nearly as peaceful as I hoped. I did have a lovely, full night’s sleep in our king bed downstairs. However, that tranquility was disturbed by a frantic phone call. It was a family issue (not immediate family affected). I tried not to harp on it and go about my day. Unfortunately, the internet, cable and home phone were all not working, so Rob called Spectrum to resolve the issues. They said we would need a technician to come out and the first availability would be Friday. This is one of the downsides of working from home at a job that does not want you to use Wi-Fi in public places.
Fortunately, while that phone call was still in progress, I had an appointment for a massage and facial. I still had hope for this day yet. Both were lovely but I had an especially talkative masseuse. I like the quiet massage time. Also, he mentioned religion 3 times during the massage while I am on my stomach with my Coop Devil Tattoo on my back. These are the times I regret that tattoo.
When I returned home, we decided to eat out and play video games at Round 1. Here is where the real fun begins….My son has either extreme sensory issues with his feet/shoes and/or OCD. We think it is sensory since it has been there the majority of his life. I tightened his left shoe 3 times and his right shoe 5 times and the right shoe was still not tight enough. My hands could no longer handle the laces. I told him I refused to tie it anymore and I plopped belly first on the bed. In anger, he crammed his head into the right side of my back incredibly hard. Tears filled my eyes and I let out a scream in anguish. It hurt so badly and he intended on hurting me. Not only the pain, but intention kept the tears coming. This was my first big cry of 2018.
It took about an hour or so til we were able to get out the door and salvage the day. Oh, 2018 you are already trying my patience!
Yesterday, I was very tired, stressed, and reactive. I was super moody and snapped at my husband and son the majority of the day. I was, definitely, not at my best. However, after many glitches during the day, a switch flipped for me around 5:30 pm. Roger and I spent the pre-NYE party listening to music and singing karaoke. At 7, the first of our guests arrived (of the 3 other families joining us). There was a rocky start with the children, particularly my child. He complained nobody wanted to play with him. It reminded me of those holiday parties we had prior to Roger’s autism diagnosis where he would only be happy if me and him went in a separate room from everyone. The night ended great with two new year’s cheers at 11 pm (for NYC) and midnight.
This morning, although exhausted from a terrible night’s sleep, I woke with a change in attitude for 2018. I have several intentions and goals for 2018. After coffee and some straightening up, I wrote in my new journal/yearly calendar. It is a calendar geared not only towards schedule but goals/aspirations/gratitudes. It helped me focus on self-growth and have “me” time.
After that, Roger and I did several experiments from the Magic School Bus kit he received for Christmas 2016. Rob and I watched “Bring It On” and I took an extremely hot and long shower (sorry conservationists but it was so needed for me). I spent time in the room doing meditation from Headspace and ended up taking a short nap. Roger woke me up showing me some art he created of The Beatles. We also read 2 books he checked out from his school library on Rosa Parks and Ronald Reagan. He only checks out biographies (just as I as an elementary school kid).
Now, post dinner, I am writing in my blog, Richie Rich on Netflix, and Roger exhausted. He’s been a bit cranky due to lack of sleep the last few days. He keeps saying how tired he is but refuses to get ready for bed. Time to deal with this, I guess.
Yesterday was a day that was filled with many autism/anxiety/sensory issues. It is always lurking there (especially the sensory shoe and sock issue that is dealt with multiple times a day), but some days are worse than others. It began with an ungodly waking time of 4:52. There was an early morning cry about worries of going away to college and not knowing how to get to his classes. Yes, my son is 7.
The next meltdown was regarding not building a pool in our backyard for next summer. There is no reasoning to help a situation like that. So, unfortunately, more tears were shed.
Not being able to open the DEVO “action figure” was the third inconsolable moment.
The next issue was the not-tight-enough shoe dilemma. That lasted from roughly 10:30 am til 2 pm, off and on.
Finally, the multiple times he is unable to understand instructions or “see” something that is literally right in front of him. Repeating things like “the towel is right on top” when exiting the shower. It may have been that the towel he always uses looked a little different when laying on the towel rack. Whatever the reasoning, it all made for a tiring day.
Last night I could not sleep and awoke earlier than yesterday. I hope I can hold it all together for the New Year!
Yup, that’s me. I’m a lazy blogger. It takes virtually no time to write a short blog, but I have just contemplated it and gone on with my day. For the quadrillionth time, I am going to try to blog as part of my “be healthy” 2018 New Year’s Resolution. Blogging usually gives me some clarity or closure of feelings. At the very least, it gives me a sounding board for my complaining! So, if I do not see you before, see you again in 2018!
It seems like last week I was having increased anxiety and panic attacks due to the 6 day pack of steroids the ENT prescribed. My primary care physician told me on Thursday to stop taking them. I googled how long it would remain in my system and, of course, the answers varied. Well, I can tell you, I think yesterday was my final day of having them in my system. I had increased appetite all through yesterday and very poor sleeping. Last night, I had a really good sleep and woke up feeling more “normal”. I am at my normal hunger level. I am glad to start feeling like myself a couple of days before the holiday. I was afraid I’d be inhaling all food in my sight this week and be a grumpy mess.
Tomorrow, I get to have a full-day off alone with Roger. The morning should be very relaxed with some homework mixed in. The early afternoon I have tickets to see Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer at Bass Hall in Ft. Worth. I hope he finds it entertaining and enjoys the theatre. This will be the first real play he has gone to. I am excited to see his reaction and start the holiday season. Yesterday, we visited Santa and he became shy Roger. He was so happy though!
One of the greatest gifts is seeing your child exuberant!