The previous two days I skipped my stationary bike. Friday I felt horrible and my legs and body were hurting. I think I was progressing too far in my workout. Saturday I had intended to be my full body Day of Rest. Today I am back on the bike and will be back to the squats (I challenged myself to a 30 day squat challenge).
If I felt bad Friday, mentally I felt awful Saturday. Uncharacteristically, I got 9 hours of sleep. When I saw that I was amazed and thrilled. The rest of me was not. I was more tired than on days I get a few hours of sleep. I could not wake up at all. I was in a constant haze. I drank copious amounts of coffee that did not help. I was in a terrible mood too. I was depressed, impatient, and very antagonistic. Those with depression may understand this but when my husband asked me why I was depressed and there was literally no reason that I was depressed but just in that sinking feeling. However, that answer never seems to be satisfactory. It is odd I was so down. I had a denied insurance claim from my surgery since the hospital used some out-of-network providers. Supposedly that is common, but seeing a “YOU OWE $21,750” EOB a month ago was devastating. Yesterday, the reprocessed bill was updated on the website and we owe nothing. That should have put me in a stellar mood.
Well, today I am in a stellar mood on 4.5 hours of sleep. I am on the bike, blogging, and enjoying the morning. I am super happy that we get to proceed with the new fence that was on hold due to the medical bill above. Today I know life is good and that those little dips in mood can easily turn around in a day. My body and mind feel rested and ready for this week.
Nope, just don’t feel like blogging today. I am cycling away but not in a communicative mood.
Come back tomorrow, please.
I get an email with an “inspirational” quote each day. Today’s quote, by H.G. Wells, is “If you fell down yesterday, stand up today”. I rated that 5 stars. You can rate the quote each day as well. I usually give 3 or 4’s, rarely 5’s, but definitely have given 1’s and 2’s.
I know he wasn’t speaking literally about falling. However, this quote made me think of a college philosophy professor I had. He spoke about a Laurie Anderson song’s lyrics,
“And you don’t always realize it, but you’re always falling.
With each step you fall forward slightly.
And then catch yourself from falling.
Over and over, you’re falling.
And then catching yourself from falling.
And this is how you can be walking and falling at the same time.”
I think back to this quite often. He probably does not realize how that one itty bitty thought affected me all these years. I cannot recall his name or I’d let him know!
Today, I also saw a FB post by a yoga teacher by whom I have taken a few classes. It seems to tie in so well. I’m going to have liberty with the it and not cut and paste verbatim:
There was a conversation about how, as we age, time seems to fly by. We can all relate to this I am sure. One moment it’s summer and the next you are hanging up Christmas stockings. One said ‘you know why that is right?’ He explained that when we are children we notice everything and as we age we just stop noticing. Everything flashes by because we miss the details. A child is completely enthralled by how a stapler works and the beauty of a color of a flower. Babies are enamored by the way their hand looks in front of their face or by someone’s smile. Toddlers genuinely became excited by how a ball bounces and are in awe of how blades of grass feel beneath their feet (except for sensory kiddos like my son). As we age these things lose their shine. We aren’t enamored any longer by the small things. We become occupied with our to do lists, the busyness of the day, and our phones . We forget to notice.
Just like, as a child learning to walk, they are aware that they are falling over and having to catch themselves with each step! (There’s my tie-in.)
Autism has been and remains an integral part of my life. I have an 8 year old son with autism who was diagnosed at 21 months and I myself was diagnosed years later with Asperger’s.
I have been watching Atypical and previously watched Parenthood which, obviously, both deal(t) with children on the autism spectrum. Parenthood was interesting since the character Max was not too far from Roger’s age. I recall one of the first episodes where Max would only wear his pirate costume to school. That, plus seeing his other quirks, I immediately knew the character would be diagnosed with autism. I have seen that rigidness in both Roger and myself. The show gave a perspective of autism that many other shows/movies lacked at that time. It was not a super power and it was not the all encompassing feature of the show. It was one dynamic of a family, just like it is in real life. Atypical which, clearly with that name, deals with a high schooler with autism. It shows his quirks and difficulties dealing with change. However, it also deals with normal teenage themes: dating, work, and college. It is almost a sneak peak of what may be to come.
Yes, my son has autism and I have Asperger’s but that only defines one part of our personalities and does not completely define us as individuals. It probably factored into some of our interests, our demeanor, our interactions, our relationships but it is not the be-all end-all. Day-to-day I tend to forget about Roger’s autism and may get a little impatient with the difficulty he has listening, focusing, following directions, helping around the house, finishing homework, getting dressed while spinning in circles, etc. I guess I need to slow down, maybe join in on the spin, and enjoy the dance together.
I will not declare that I will be posting daily into the future. I have made blanket statements before and as the words leave my lips the blogs stop getting written. However, today I am posting just to post. I have no topic in mind, but am keeping with the consistency that while I ride my bike I will write on my blog.
Now is the time I hope for some amazing, random thought to pop into my head. But, alas, my brain is empty and searching for interesting tidbits. A couple of friends and I went to a psychic fair together yesterday. One would think that could garner a full discussion. However, what I was told in my tarot reading was everything I currently know to be true. There were no insights, just validation.
Perhaps my validation is garnering new strength and confidence. Today, I reached out to my supervisors for projects. I usually review databases until they reach out to me for projects. I know I am organized, intelligent, altruistic, and, at times, witty. However, I do not lead life in a confident stride. I wallow behind in an uncertain gait. I am hoping hearing words of validation and speaking my own words of validation to myself will, perhaps, provide more strength, confidence, and new possibilities for myself and my family in the future.
I premised yesterday’s post by saying I have problems. Well, here is another one of my problems.
Over five years ago, I had a full hysterectomy where they take out both the uterus and the ovaries. Prior to having them out, I lost a significant amount of weight (25 pounds) and was very fit. A lot happened prior and we ended up in the DFW area 6 months later.
Moving is a big stressor and having a son with autism and trying to locate services in a region that is not helpful is even more stressful. In California, there were regional centers that got you in contact with specialists, set up and held copies of all evaluations, and helped pay when your insurance would no longer cover services. Due to those factors as well as moving from part-time to full-time work, trying to hire a sitter for post-PPCD hours and around therapy hours, and everything else in between, the past four years I gained *GULP* over 40 pounds!
Of course, I was no longer going daily to the gym or eating as healthy as I was in California and no longer lived in a walkable city. And, as in early years, therapy hours change, and you have to recreate your whole schedule at a drop of the hat. The past year things have settled down. I have lost 13.5 pounds ( the past four pounds due to surgery and not being able to swallow hardly anything weeks after). Now, I am stagnant.
I am logging calories and points. I am staying on the lower end and, once I was cleared, am adding exercise slowly. Well, the past 6 weeks, I have stayed the same weight. No fluctuations as people like to tell me happens daily. I started weighing myself more frequently instead of weekly and each time it is the same exact weight on the scale.
Yesterday, a woman linked an article about full hysterectomies and how weight gain is significantly higher than those who have a partial or go through menopause naturally. Today, I looked for articles about weight loss after a full hysterectomy. All stated that it was SIGNIFICANTLY harder to lose weight after a full hysterectomy and needed SIGNIFICANTLY more effort. Sounds lovely, eh?
Let me premise this by saying I have problems.
Thursday night, we went to the library for my son to meet his Reading Comprehension tutor. I was discussing a test he had the previous week and then, OW!. I walk a little further with her and feel an ouchie on my toe. I see this black ant and I try to fling him off casually as we are walking and talking. Eventually, Roger goes into a study room with her and I investigate my foot. Two bites. I didn’t know blank ants bit like this. Rob appears about 10 minutes later and my foot is incredibly itchy. Then I feel something on my other foot — another black ant (or the one I tried getting off my right foot). By now, I feel itchy head to toe and feel like I am covered in ants. I hate that feeling. I could not wait to go home and take a bath. After my bath, I put cortisone cream on my right foot and, once it penetrated, I put socks on. My itchiness would not subside, so I took Benadyrl before bed. The cortisone cream was doing NOTHING.
The next day I awoke with itchy foot and exhausted body. By noon I had drank 4 cups of coffee and was still exhausted. Then, I noticed my throat/windpipe seemed like it was narrowing and my voice became very hoarse. I decided to call my insurance company’s nurse line to see if I should go to the doctor. After extensive questioning and my history of allergies and having experienced anaphylaxis previously, she said I had to go to the doctor. Of course, both my physician’s office and allergist’s office close at 1 pm on Friday. I had to go to RapidMed. Thankfully, the wait was not too long. I ended getting two steroid shots (one in each hip) and prescriptions for 1. more steroids 2. antihistamines 3. a pill for allergic reaction. I had a 4th prescription for epipens but they are backordered at all Walgreens. They have not had them for months.
Before bed I took my prescription antihistamine that did absolutely nothing for the itchiness, I applied more cortisone cream and was incredibly itchy for hours. Finally, I fell asleep and woke up groggy and with the same itchiness.
Today, I started my steroid pack and took the pill for allergic reaction. I am not sure which one is helping but the itchiness has subsided a bit.
Oh, and one last thing, on my internet searches, I found out that there are Black Fire Ants and their bites are just like the Red Fire Ants.