Today was another good day. I was able to pace myself at work and to do some clean-up around the house. I was even able to get an errand done, a nice cup of coffee, and get a little break while icing my back and writing my blog. I have about 30 more minutes of free time to enjoy prior to mommy mode.
Roger is really excited for this evening’s plan. We are going to see 3 School of Rock bands perform in Lewisville: the first is Abbey Road (obviously Beatles’ songs) starting at 5 pm, followed by One Hit Wonders, and, lastly, Punk. There is another band after but figured we would stay until 9. It should be really fun and get Roger excited for his vocal lessons that begin in February!
Well, Sunday’s post was a total bummer. I felt so down in the dumps. My husband entertained my son out and about most of the day. When they got home and were so very sweet, my mood changed. I had my patience back and sat with Roger to do homework and get him ready for bed.
The next day I decided my number one priority was to make a doctor’s appointment. I decided whoever had the first opening I would go to: either my PCP, my orthopedic, or my pain doctor. Thankfully, as I was on the phone with the front desk of the pain doctor, they had a cancellation that afternoon. I had to take Roger but he was well-behaved but nervous, since I told him I would have to let the doctor know what had happened to my back.
Prognosis: a deep bruise in my core muscle. It is a large muscle that is mainly used in yoga, which is why Sunday aggravated it so much. Basically this muscle gets irritated when bending, stretching, and turning. Just all those every day things. It takes about 6 weeks to heal. It had been 3 already. However, since OTC and non-steroidal anti inflammatories were not working, I got prescriptions for prednisone and muscle relaxers. If not better in a few weeks, we will explore further.
Unfortunately, I had insomnia Monday night. I awoke at 2 but could not fall back asleep. I woke up at 3:45 and started work. When done with work in the 10 o’clock hour, I shut down my computer to nap. I listened to headspace and could not fall asleep. After a bit, I got up and cleaned the kitchen and showered. I decided to put in an extra hour or so at work til I pick up my son. My computer would not turn on. I followed instructions of draining the battery, removing the battery, all the tricks but nothing helped. I brought it to Best Buy. The Geek Squad said that it seems like I would need to buy a new computer. Fortunately, I bought the extended warranty. So, they sent my computer to be fixed or, if unable to be fixed, to be replaced. The ETA is 2 weeks. Good thing I work from home and that’s my computer, I said sarcastically.
Good news: I was able to set up my husband’s computer yesterday to be ready for work today AND I got a full night’s sleep. Today has been very pleasant with some back pain, but in a good mood which makes it more bearable.
This morning I had scheduled Yin and Sit Yoga and Meditation, some “me” time.
After waking up to Roger on the iPad continuously this morning, I decided to finish my weekend work while riding the stationary bike. I was done by 9. I then did homework with Roger and followed it with some fun karaoke. Then the time arrived: time for me, time for yoga.
I was in tears from the beginning movements to the final savasana. I was in total pain from my neck to my tailbone to my right leg. This is where Roger, my son with autism, rammed his head into my spine after not getting his way. This was on January 2nd and I don’t even remember what it was regarding. All I remember was it was post-massage as I plopped onto the bed on my belly and was peacefully lying there. I let out the loudest cry. It immediately hurt so terribly. I don’t think I ever produced a scream like that even when I broke my knee or ankle.
It has been three weeks and the pain has not gotten better. I have tried Tylenol and anti-inflammatories while using the heating pad but this has not helped in the least bit. I kept wondering where all my depression and lack of motivation came from at the beginning of this year. Today was my reminder. I am so glad that the majority of the class is done with your eyes closed, so others did not see the tears stream down my face.
When class was over, and that could not come quickly enough — that damn 75 minutes, I rushed to my car for a proper cry. Then the thoughts raced: have to make an appointment this week. With who? My primary doctor? My back doctor who I am not really fond of — seems too surgery happy? My pain doctor? Next thoughts: I really am going to have to cancel being teacher’s helper this week, my back cannot handle the copier. Followed by thoughts of that yoga retreat that accepted me on “scholarship” but is less than 2 weeks away. How can I possibly do a yoga retreat right now? I do not foresee my pain level being that lessened in that short period of a time – especially since specialized doctors usually do not have readily available appointments.
I told Rob to occupy Roger for a bit. I am in such a terrible mood right now. I have 2 loads of laundry and cannot even muster the strength to empty the dryer to put the other load in. And the state of the house is in total disarray due to Roger’s “box fort” building. I may hide myself away in the bedroom for the time being until I can cope better with it all.
It seems that for quite sometime now I have been waking up with my first thought being, “I cannot wait until bed tonight”. Each activity I do seems to lack any enjoyment. The focus of each is only completion: countdown til my work day is over and I pick up Roger, countdown between pick up and the class/therapy of the day, countdown to dinner and son’s bedtime routine, countdown til I go to bed. The next morning I begin the same countdown that ends roughly 14 hours later. How depressing is that? I can easily answer that: VERY.
Countdown to the end of this blog post: goodnight.
Yesterday’s new therapist/psychologist/BCBA appointment for Roger went better than expected. Well, at least, Roger’s reaction was positive to having to go to a new doctor that you talk to and play at and are talked about in front of. Now that he is getting older it is getting odder for me to answer questions about him in front of him. I am not sure if I am fond of the doctor yet. She took lots of notes and said she had an Independence curriculum that we could start working on with Roger, since he is SO DEPENDENT on us (mainly me) for EVERYTHING. I made 3 follow-up appointments and will, hopefully, get a sense of if it is a good fit by then.
That brings me to an exciting Facebook message I received today from a friend and fellow autism mom. She told me about these Women’s Retreats in east Texas. They have a Retreat Assistance Program to help pay for the weekend retreat. The idea of having a weekend alone in quiet sounds amazing to me. That has been my “dream vacation” for a long time! On the same hand, the idea of going away to an unknown place with completely unknown people and an unknown routine is completely terrifying to me. I like the known. I like routine. I like the safety of predictability.
That being said, I applied and, depending on the outcome, I may face all those fears of mine so I can relax, recharge, rejuvenate. In the meantime, I really do have to do more self-care at home. Yes, a nice clean house is awesome, but so is a restful break. I made a weekly cleaning schedule. Perhaps I need to add-in a stretching, moisturizing, “do for myself” schedule.
Who can believe that January is already half over? The weekend was better than I anticipated. I guess entering it with anxiety and pessimism led to better things!
Saturday, we ventured to Ripley’s that included a terrible wax museum, a lame laser race, a cute mirror maze and a pretty good “7D” movie. The wax museum was quite funny but a tad horrific as well. Some figures did not resemble the celebrities at all. There was a whole area dedicated to the “Pilgrimage of Christ”. It was quite scary!
Sunday was pretty laid back. While Roger and Rob went to see Paddington, I cleaned the house. That was followed by a play date for Roger and a dinner date for Rob and I. That was some much needed time alone!
Yesterday, I had the day with Roger. We completed his homework in the morning, made some Roblox videos on his phone, went to Barnes and Nobles and Target, took him to his swimming class, had a play date at our house, took him to occupational therapy, and ate at Chick-fil-A. It was a very full and pretty easy day.
Today is the beginning of my work week and I was able to ride my bike for the beginning of my day. This afternoon I take Roger to a new psychologist. Unfortunately, with our insurance change, there are not that many options. I have not told Roger, and am a bit nervous to do so, so I am not looking forward to picking him up. I do not have high hopes, so perhaps all will go well…
I am still under the weather with coughing, allergies, chills, some tummy issues, etc. Unfortunately, Roger, as an only child, wants to be entertained. This morning he was already talking about what fun things we could do later: karaoke, games. Thankfully, he is aware my back hurt too bad last night from roller skates that he took that off the table. Of course, resting and watching a movie are always off the table for Roger too!
This weekend happens to be a 3 day weekend as well, so that gives me an extra day of “fun” to schedule for Roger. I am trying to institute a family fun day on Saturdays to do something out of the ordinary (zoo, museum, Dallas in general, etc.). Tomorrow, I am pitching Ripley’s Believe It or Not since it will be quite chilly. We will see if everyone is on board with that decision. Sunday, I hope to feel up to Yin Yoga and Mediation followed by a short date with Rob. Monday morning is still unscheduled but I have a make-up swim lesson planned for 1 pm followed by a play date with Roger’s best friend followed by Occupational Therapy.
I just have to make it through today first!
Today I feel pretty accomplished in the work, home and personal realm. That being said, I still have half the day to feel overwhelmed and crushed. However, I am going to try to keep a positive attitude on this gloomy, overcast day. Although I guess that previous statement does not sound too positive!
This morning, on my walk home from Roger’s school, I had those same contemplative, philosophical thoughts I had mentioned the other day. Then the major thought hit: am I having a mid-life crisis? That can’t be. I had my mid-life crisis when I bought white roller skates with pink wheels a couple of years ago! Hmmm, what could be going on where I am contemplating my life’s priorities?
The last series of Meditation I had just completed was themed Prioritization. Clearly, the meditation is sinking into my daily life. That is the point. Maybe I should listen to the Happiness pack next and wait for that to become part of my daily life.
Yesterday was amazing! No, the day was not perfect, but it was our first day to be back to a normal work/school day routine. I slept pretty well Sunday night. I rode my stationary bike and worked for 30 plus minutes. I had peace and quiet for 7 hours. Lovely.
Today I was hoping to feel the same way and to accomplish more. I slept pretty terrible with Roger coming into the bed at an early hour. I had this “Himalayan salt” night light that I think kept me in a light sleep. I guess I do need total darkness. Needlesstosay, today I am feeling groggy. I also chose to have my allergy shots today (even with my cough). My airflow was registered much lower than usual, but I was still able to get the shots. That means I had to take an antihistamine this morning. That, coupled with the contents of the shot, is adding to my tiredness.
When do I get to feel great and get back into the swing of things for 2018? It feels like an unfunny gag. You had a day of feeling good, now you get 5 weeks of feeling crappy. I know lots of people have been perpetually sick, especially with the huge changes in temperature here in DFW ranging from 20’s to 70’s the past couple months.
Come on, health, I have too much I want to accomplish and enjoy to still feel under the weather!
The first week of January has been a moody week for me. In my head, I tried to keep positive with all the drama surrounding me. I tried to keep patient with the cries of a sensory kiddo. I tried to stay on task with my mind constantly distracted.
Last night, as we watched another uplifting show on Netflix, The End of the F***ing World, I was saddened and, clearly, philosophical. With the attainment of all our possessions, what is the point? What purpose do they serve? Why was I so excited to have our first real bedroom set? Why did I value my Roomba (that I almost broke and quietly lectured myself about) so much more than my peace of mind?
Well, today, with last night’s lack of sleep, I am again impatient, moody, and exhausted. We have an “all day” window for furniture delivery. I completed my weekend work for my “real” job and have a litany of chores around the house to occupy my time til the arrival. However, after finishing my work, I meditated via Headspace and am now blogging for a moment or two. Am I procrastinating cleaning the toilets or do I just need some rest? It is hard to decipher. I will sit here in quiet until the mood (or, perhaps, the guilt) drives me to do something else.
Quite a poetic title, eh? Yesterday’s family drama and my son’s sensory issues continued today.
Last night, I had a phone call while I was in bed for sleep. I decided not to answer it. The day exhausted me and I just wanted sleep. This morning I see complaints of this person on social media that no one helps and the blaming of others. I corrected them on both accounts. The person is an adult with a child and acting like a pre-teen with middle school hormones. In the past, I have been very gentle with them, always giving a listening ear. We had given money in the past and the same bad decisions were made repeatedly. This time it was too much. My parents had given so much and yet complaints of “no family” and “no help” lingered all over Facebook. I contacted this person via Messenger and was, for the first time, very direct and blunt. I guess it was not what was desired and I was blocked from conversing after I got a juvenile response. I texted my response and, again, was given the “no family” and “everyone can go to hell” line.
I felt at peace for finally voicing my true opinion. However, I heard from my parents of another horrendous decision made and I have been obsessing over it all day. I keep telling myself not to harp on about it, but then my thoughts go back.
In my conversation with my mother, I finally unloaded all the current issues we have been having with our son and his sensory processing disorder. The continual battles about shoes, about shirts that do not fit correctly, about one drop of water on his shirt causing a meltdown. I usually keep this all inside or, lately, have been blogging about it. She had no idea things were getting so tough with Roger again.
The one thing I was taught since Roger started early intervention at 18 months was that autism is cyclical. There are ups and downs, regressions and progress. What I remember from that time was that the downs outlasted the ups. I guess I have been spoiled by all the progress because this regression in behavior is becoming unbearable. It slowly began during the summer and has been advancing since first grade began. He is great at school but not so good at home and at his therapies.
I guess instead of obsessing over someone who is unhelpable, I need to concentrate my efforts and figure out what steps we need to take to break Roger out of his current cycle.
Being a responsible parent is hard.
The second day of the year was not nearly as peaceful as I hoped. I did have a lovely, full night’s sleep in our king bed downstairs. However, that tranquility was disturbed by a frantic phone call. It was a family issue (not immediate family affected). I tried not to harp on it and go about my day. Unfortunately, the internet, cable and home phone were all not working, so Rob called Spectrum to resolve the issues. They said we would need a technician to come out and the first availability would be Friday. This is one of the downsides of working from home at a job that does not want you to use Wi-Fi in public places.
Fortunately, while that phone call was still in progress, I had an appointment for a massage and facial. I still had hope for this day yet. Both were lovely but I had an especially talkative masseuse. I like the quiet massage time. Also, he mentioned religion 3 times during the massage while I am on my stomach with my Coop Devil Tattoo on my back. These are the times I regret that tattoo.
When I returned home, we decided to eat out and play video games at Round 1. Here is where the real fun begins….My son has either extreme sensory issues with his feet/shoes and/or OCD. We think it is sensory since it has been there the majority of his life. I tightened his left shoe 3 times and his right shoe 5 times and the right shoe was still not tight enough. My hands could no longer handle the laces. I told him I refused to tie it anymore and I plopped belly first on the bed. In anger, he crammed his head into the right side of my back incredibly hard. Tears filled my eyes and I let out a scream in anguish. It hurt so badly and he intended on hurting me. Not only the pain, but intention kept the tears coming. This was my first big cry of 2018.
It took about an hour or so til we were able to get out the door and salvage the day. Oh, 2018 you are already trying my patience!
Yesterday, I was very tired, stressed, and reactive. I was super moody and snapped at my husband and son the majority of the day. I was, definitely, not at my best. However, after many glitches during the day, a switch flipped for me around 5:30 pm. Roger and I spent the pre-NYE party listening to music and singing karaoke. At 7, the first of our guests arrived (of the 3 other families joining us). There was a rocky start with the children, particularly my child. He complained nobody wanted to play with him. It reminded me of those holiday parties we had prior to Roger’s autism diagnosis where he would only be happy if me and him went in a separate room from everyone. The night ended great with two new year’s cheers at 11 pm (for NYC) and midnight.
This morning, although exhausted from a terrible night’s sleep, I woke with a change in attitude for 2018. I have several intentions and goals for 2018. After coffee and some straightening up, I wrote in my new journal/yearly calendar. It is a calendar geared not only towards schedule but goals/aspirations/gratitudes. It helped me focus on self-growth and have “me” time.
After that, Roger and I did several experiments from the Magic School Bus kit he received for Christmas 2016. Rob and I watched “Bring It On” and I took an extremely hot and long shower (sorry conservationists but it was so needed for me). I spent time in the room doing meditation from Headspace and ended up taking a short nap. Roger woke me up showing me some art he created of The Beatles. We also read 2 books he checked out from his school library on Rosa Parks and Ronald Reagan. He only checks out biographies (just as I as an elementary school kid).
Now, post dinner, I am writing in my blog, Richie Rich on Netflix, and Roger exhausted. He’s been a bit cranky due to lack of sleep the last few days. He keeps saying how tired he is but refuses to get ready for bed. Time to deal with this, I guess.