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I have been looking over my blog and realize how depressing I must sound.  Really, life may be difficult at times, but it is mainly very happy.  Our son has one of the biggest personalities.  He is a show-off around adults – prancing and singing and dancing.

He loves music.  He loves books.  He loves running around the house from activity to activity.  He loves Yo! Gabba Gabba – mainly for the music.  He loves spinning.  He loves the park.  He loves life!  He makes me love life so much more than I could ever imagine.

He is so amazing.  I would not trade my lil one for any other.  I love how excited he gets over DEVO’s “Girl You Want”.  His whole face lights up and he starts his dance routine.

Everyone in his programs falls in love with him – he is just so into everything!  Although he may not stay focused on anything too long, he loves exploring and trying to find out how things tick.

Talking about ticking, he also LOVES clocks.  We realized this one day when we put a clock in his playroom.  He was obsessed with looking at it and clicking his tongue.  When we had to remove it to change batteries, he had a meltdown.  When we pass a clock store, he stares.  In other stores or places, he always stops before the clock.

What an amazing mind, an amazing outlook, and an amazing boy.

We are lucky parents!

The lil man has reverted to horrible wake-ups (both in the morning and at nap time).  He screams uncontrollably and cannot be soothed.  Today, during nap time, he had a 10-15 minute screaming and headbanging session before falling back asleep.  I know he is exhausted and probably needs more sleep, but wish there was an easier way for him to fall back asleep without inflicting harm on himself.

“Occupational therapy will help” is what I keep getting told.  Is it the magic ticket?  If so, he has his evaluation on April 1oth but will not start therapy til May.  I don’t know how many more months of this I can handle.

Yesterday, during a tantrum, his hit his head on the hardwood floor and had a huge red spot on his forehead.  If I try to touch him, he usually gets more violent and flops all over the place, screaming as if I burnt his skin with my touches.

It is scary to see your child react like that.  He regulates himself by hurting himself.  And it hurts me so much seeing his actions and the pain in his face.

The lil man is still a bit under the weather.  He fell asleep on me last night while watching tv on the couch.  He slept nearly 10 1/2 hours, but it was the most restless sleep.  He would toss, turn and cry almost every half over — sometimes even more often than that.

He is in a fantastic mood this morning despite the lack of sleep.  I, on the other hand, can barely keep my eyes open.  I am so very tired from last night and the night before.  I think today I will have to nap with the lil man.  Or else, another restless night may do me in!  Yesterday’s exercise session left me sore, so maybe I should take a break anyhow.

Um, yeah, can that nap time be moved to right now???

Our lil man is under the weather yet again.  Poor guy.  He slept terribly last night and had some bouts of crying.  He woke this morning crying and was cranky all morning and through his session.  I wish he could tell me more.  Well, he can tell me “more”.  He signs “more” all the time, especially since he does not have many more words in his vocabulary.  I am hoping his afternoon nap may improve him a bit, since he does not rest up when he is under the weather.  He is still totally on the go.

I decided to exercise and work during his nap time.  I have had a tendency to lay down at some point during his nap and then I get even more tired than I was before the nap!  I am hoping staying awake and getting things done may make me feel better.

I wish I had more to add to the blog today, but I am at a loss for words.

Stay healthy!

This weekend I finally weighed myself after not doing so for some time. I was doing really well exercising and eating better before we went to NYC (in October). Since then, I have been neglectful. My weight and overall feelings of craptitude have pushed me to wanting to start eating better and exercising more from this point forward.

We renewed our membership at the gym today and it is good until December 1, 2013. I’ve also decided to try to add a night at the gym on Wednesdays, after we pick up my husband. If that all goes well, and our son is good with it, perhaps we can add Monday nights too.

I don’t want to get ahead of myself. When I do, things easily start crashing and I have to start back at square one all over again!

Here’s to trying the “healthy” thing again!

Yes, it is official.  Since I became the leader/facilitator of a support group for ASD, I decided Facebook would be one avenue to advertise and reach out for other members.  That, of course, would also mean that everyone will start inquiring about my son.

The shocking thing is that only 3 people have asked any questions.  I welcome the questions more than just idle speculation.  I know how to create scenarios in my own mind based on someone’s post.  So, I am glad a few people have reached out and asked about my son and not come to their own conclusions.

It feels like I have let go of a secret that’s been just beneath the surface, but needing air.  It feels like relief and it’s almost getting routine to say:  my son is at-risk for autism and in an early intervention program; he will not be formally diagnosed or not diagnosed with autism at the age of 2.

Now the burden of the knowledge and reaction is on other people’s shoulders.  My husband and I have already accepted our son and his behaviors.

Life is hard, but life is good and I’ve got two amazing men beside me everyday!

Well, Spread the Word: I am the facilitator of a new support group in Butte County: ASD Parent Support Group for families of children at-risk or on the autism spectrum. The first support meeting will be at ARC of Butte County on Thursday, April 26th, and funded/supported through Rowell Family Empowerment Center.

Now, the real work begins:  Community Outreach.  Handing out flyers at the Autism Walk, getting parents signed up at the Autism Awareness Faire, e-mailing flyers to organizations….and lots of talking.  I am usually someone who hates being the center of attention.  I hate speaking in front of people.  Now, that is my role as facilitator/leader of this group. I spoke to one of the leaders of the Down Syndrome Support Group and she acknowledged how show she is and how her co-parent leader is even more so.  It is amazing how necessity yields such a loud, empowered voice!

My son has given me the courage and the voice to stand tall and seek out support when needed.  It is amazing the power he  has over me.  I can be quite the couch potato and he is pushing me out of my comfort zone.

Thank you, lil man!  You are making me into a better person each and every day.

It seems our son’s go to move is headbanging.  It started out as a soothing move in bed…it progressed to being done against pillows and the couch – soft surfaces.  Slowly, it has become more frequent and more worrisome as it is involving the table, a door, the floor, the wall, etc.  How can you ignore this behavior?  How can you modify it?  Hopefully, occupational therapy can help.

Now, his whole sleep routine has become an event.  He enters the bed. Kicks the bed (while lying on his belly) and headbangs at the same time.  He stands…bounces…kicks the sides of the cribs.  Falls face first into the pillow (because I quickly move out of the way)…He has some more moves in there….And it goes on and on…sometimes for 40 minutes, sometimes for well over an hour.  I am so scared of him hurting himself, firstly, and hurting me, secondly.  If I try to scold him or move his body, he just laughs at me.  He thinks it’s all a game.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Does the sleep just get worse from here?

Well, yesterday I surely did feel invincible and ready to take on the world.  Supermom!  Work, Being a Mother, Facilitating a Support Group, Speech Classes, the lil man’s busy toddler schedule…I can do this!

Then, a sleepless night.  A bed routine that had our son playing in our bed/crib set up and then leading to crying hysterics til past 11 pm.  When he finally did fall asleep, the sleep was restless.  Tossing, turning, and lots of crying.  He’d want to be held. Then, he’d roll away for 10 seconds, just to roll back to be held.  He finally fell asleep soundly by 4 am and was awake by 7:15ish.  Which means, I was finally able to try and fall asleep by 4 am, but woke my husband for work at 6:30 am.  This leaves me feeling less invincible and more exhausted.

We were supposed to attend a support group tonight (as to get a feel on how to facilitate the group).  However, the lil man’s nose is running and running.  And, the daycare would be filled with down syndrome children whose immune systems are already more compromised.  Even if it’s a little cold for him, it could be much worse for them.

I feel, though, that is the beginning of a slacking Supermom.  Guilt v. Right and Wrong v. Exhaustion v. Responsibility v. the Non-Stop Brain = More exhaustion and guilt.  Amidst all this, at least that remains constant — exhaustion and guilt!

Today was much more hectic than anticipated.  I had my meeting with Rowell Family Empowerment Center regarding starting an ASD Parent Support Group.  The meeting went great, but facilitating this group may be a larger task than I anticipated.  It is very official (stipends, invoices, etc.).  I had originally anticipated a support group/play group in our living room!!!  Now, it seems I will be volunteering at the Autism Faire to get the word out on the new group.  The manger at RFEC is very excited about this group and is anticipating this leading to many great programs within Chico/Butte County.

Secondly, I decided (after nearly five years of marriage) to officially change my last name.  Friday I thought about it and saw that Social Security was very close to where I was having my meeting.  SSA was not too bad of a wait – about 20 min. from start to finish.  Lastly, I had to take my husband to the DMV because he had lost his license sometime this weekend.  It was a good push to go, since SSA said I could bring my receipt from there and go to the DMV directly to change my license (2 birds, 1 stone).  Now, the wait there was awful – well over an hour!

Upon returning home, I had a difficult time getting the lil man to nap (especially since I had been away most of the morning on these errands).  When he finally tuckered out, I had e-mails and phone calls to make regarding the name change and the support group.

Thus far, it has been quite a busy day, but quite a fulfilling day at the same time.  Hooray for me!

Another weekend, meaning another break in routine, meaning another hour long session of trying to get the lil man to take a nap!  However, if that is the only hurdle to the day, then I have already cleared that.

We went to the gym, target, and home.  My husband is currently turning in our old leased car for a new one.  The ball is in his court as to what car to get next.  (And, let me tell you, he is nervous!).  Am I that hard to please or scary – if I am not pleased?  I like to think of myself as pretty low-maintenance.  I have a feeling  my husband may disagree.  I usually lounge around the house in jeans and t-shirts and no make-up = low maintenance.  Who disagrees?

Well, I am signing off to enjoy the rest of my low-key weekend!

It seems like everyday is a bipolar day.  The daytime is always happy, fun, playful…the up in the bipolar…Every evening starts the downward slope.  The switch usually occurs after naptime. Maybe it is just having so much of the day already done and still being tired, but it seems the lil man is more fussy and whiny and I seem to get more depressed.

Currently, it is naptime, so I am still feeling accomplished and in control (of what I can be in control of).  I should savor this time before the downward turn begins!

Luckily, a fantastic friend and co-worker of mine sent me a daily journal to help keep notes on the lil man’s scheduled activities, appointments, and daily observations.  This will help a lot for myself, my husband, his “team”, and his autism evaluation.  I was going to wait to begin using it until all his therapies were underway, but I have had a change of heart and decided Monday will be Day 1.

As I state that, I just realized that Monday is my meeting with RFEC and I will not be at his entire intervention session.  However, this will be the first time I have left the house during his session.  His reaction will be important to note in the journal–as will the bipolar aspect to our days!

Thank you, my dear friend!

Proactive was the word our son’s Case Manger used to describe me when calling about the Haden Program’s “More than Words”.  I immediately felt this was a compliment.  However, I have been wondering if this actually was an euphemism for “annoying” or “the mother who calls in at least once a week”.  However, it has proven to be successful.  I get things scheduled quicker, follow-ups set up quicker…

Hey, even if it was meant to be a not-so-nice term, I still see “proactive” as a positive trait!

After Monday’s whirlwind of sessions, schedules, and appointment reminders, I have been able to take a deep breath and feel like I am in control.  The sitter situation is still not clear.  However, I am looking forward to the new playgroup for our son, the “More Than Words” Hanen Program for me and Rob, and the lil man’s Occupational Therapy evaluation in April.  In addition, I am anxious about Monday’s meeting with the manager at Rowell’s Family Empowerment Center regarding facilitating a support group.

With all of the above, I feel we will finally find the support we so desperately have been searching for!  It will be wonderful to connect with other parents going through the same process as ourselves.

In the meantime, I am catching up on household chores and time with the lil man.  It seems the one thing I have to catch up with is time with my husband.  At night, I am so exhausted by the day, that we don’t get 10 minutes alone – I go to bed with our son.  Thankfully, Sunday night we have date night!

Today, we had our first intervention session with our son’s new interventionist and program manager.  It is like starting from scratch again.  He still knows his signs, but is not comfortable yet and is incredibly wiggly.  It does not help that they say different things when showing the same cards and books he has looked at in the past (different noises, etc.).

During his last break, the manager gave me information on several things.  The first is a play group that will be starting up in the next few weeks.  If you sign up for the play group, attendance is mandatory two days a week for 1 hour and 15 minutes each play group.  In addition, we spoke about the Hanen Program – a speech program for parents of ASD children or at-risk children.  She said it would be great for me.  However, classes are 3 nights a week.  Also, we spoke briefly about how the lil man should be starting occupational therapy soon (do not know when, how many times per week, or how long each session will be).  On top of that, he will be starting speech therapy when he turns 2 (again, do not know how many times per week or how long each session will be).  What a full-schedule for a toddler and his mother!

On top of that, I have to figure out a sitter schedule and work schedule.  Until he has a firm schedule, I may just have to work during nap time.  I do not want to hire a new sitter to just have his whole schedule upset again by a new therapy time and have to change sitters again!  It is a lot to take in.  I must breathe, relax, and figure this out.  Oh, did I happen to mention that we are a one car family too?!?!

We went away for an extended weekend to Santa Cruz.  How amazingly beautiful!  If only we were rich, or they had a job opportunity for my husband, or we hit the lottery, or a long-lost relative left us a house in their will….we would move to Santa Cruz in a split second.

The destination was pretty mellow, breathtaking and enjoyable.  The only major downfall to the weekend was our son’s sleep schedule.  It was completely chaotic and short!  He fell asleep Friday at 12:30 after much yelling and tears and hair pulling (the last two mainly done by my husband and I).  Saturday (or shall I say Sunday), he fell asleep at 1:30 after a much more mellow night of Yo Gabba Gabba.  He awoke both morning afters at 7:30 (including the “spring ahead”).

He was a very good boy the whole vacation – despite his hatred of being cooped up in hotel room.  My boy needs more room to roam!  Now, imagine how claustrophobic he must have felt on the plane ride to NY.

Our first night home was a success with a good nap on his first day home.  Hopefully, this will remain the case!

Today, I am looking forward to nap time.  I have been sleeping terribly the last few nights and am actually hoping to nap with our son today.  I have lots to do around the house, but the lack of sleep is catching up with me.  I am hoping the lil man will cooperate and not take an hour or so to fall asleep!

Tomorrow, we head to Santa Cruz for two nights.  I am hoping it is a good getaway.  Hoping for no sleepless nights and no huge meltdowns.  If these do occur, I know we will be very hesitant on going away again.

I would write more, but this sleepiness is taking its toll today!

Today turned out to be quite a busy day.

Our son had a hearing test in the neighboring town at 9:30 this morning, so we were out of the house by 8:50.  (And I was able to complete a load of laundry before leaving.)  The lil man did a great job, despite the fact that numerous types of ear plugs had to be inserted into his ears.  After the appointment, we had a rather impromptu play date.  It was a lot of fun for my son and I.  He doesn’t get much social interaction – neither do I!

I had thought the hearing test and play date would wipe him out.  He fell asleep almost immediately on the way home.  However, when I placed him in the crib/bed, he almost immediately woke up!  So, a 25 minute nap would have to suffice for the day.

Since he was up so early, we had time to spare before his session.  He has been irritated by his long bangs, so I finally decided to have his bangs trimmed.  ONLY HIS BANGS!  The lil man did better than I expected for his first “haircut”.  The whole cut took about 5 minutes, so that helped.  Afterwards, we ran a couple of errands at Petco and Rite Aid. When we got back, there were birds in our yard, so the lil man resisted going into the house.  We played outside for a bit before his session started.

Session is now complete and we are both totally wiped out.  Mind you, my son’s “wiped out” still entails running all around the house – however, there tends to be more trips and falls.

Now, all that is ahead of the day:  another load of laundry, picking the hubby up from work, eating, and bath time.  Couldn’t we just call it a night now?

Another big change I found out about at 6:30 this morning…

Our son’s Extended Early Intervention is having a complete overhaul.  He will have a new interventionist, a new program director, and, perhaps, a new training time.  Sure, the afternoons have not consistently worked well because of naps/non-naps/long days, etc.  However, this means having to search for another sitter – another change.  And we have such a great sitter now!

Besides the lil man having to become comfortable with a new interventionist, I, too, have to adapt to this change.  I really liked his interventionist and director.  I am hoping to like his new “team” just the same.  They say they are creating more of a niche program for children our son’s age.  This should work in our favor in the long haul, but I do not like change this drastic!

Hopefully this will be for the best and remain constant for the next year and a half!

I have accomplished two very big tasks today.

I finally arranged a meeting with the manager of Rowell Family Empowerment Center on organizing a Support Group for Parents of Children with Autism or At-Risk of Autism. I will be the facilitator of this group. The meeting on the 19th of March will be going over procedures, paperwork, and all that fun stuff…

Secondly, I moved my son’s crib into our room. Our queen-sized bed is just not big enough for the three of us. It was much more difficult than imagined. I had to disassemble the crib in his room and reassemble the crib in our room. It was about a 1/2 an inch too large to get through the doorway. Nonetheless, it is moved and our son is very angry because he likes things “just so”. He is not used to the crib being there and it took over an hour of crying and playing to get him to finally nap.

Now I am feeling exhausted, but accomplished!

I already missed blogging one day.  My new resolution was broken…Geesh!

However, maybe another 3 a.m. wake up call from our son Sunday morning did it.  We finally got out of bed at 4:45 a.m. and I proceeded to make it a “normal” morning:  his morning milk, my morning coffee, his morning oatmeal, etc.  I even vowed not to let it interrupt our day.

We (the hubby, the son, and I) went to the gym/gym daycare at 9 a.m.  We did our routine and left around 10:40.  The lil man immediately fell asleep on the car ride home.  When we got home, I put him in bed, made myself a bite to eat, and took a nap next to him.  He slept for 3 hours and was raring to go!  We got him fed and ready for some adventure:  Target, the park, and Trader Joe’s.  It was a fun afternoon, but the day got even better.

My husband and I had a date.  We went to see Wanderlust and had a nice dinner – Indian food.  We got to talk a lot – about non-sense like Nip/Tuck and some important issues regarding our son.  It was long overdue.  When we got home, we asked the sitter if she would be available every other week or every week (one night on the weekend) to babysit, so we could have our date night.

Despite the lil man crying for about an hour or so last night with a tummy ache, I feel so refreshed today!

With the weekend here, and our change in routine, it almost slipped my mind to write in my blog.  Silly me!  I wish I had a funny anecdote to relay, but not as of yet.  Alas, I shall talk about the weekend thus far.

Last night, the lil man slept amazingly well and long – due to the terrible night sleep on Thursday.  We woke up at the late time of 7 in the morning and started out our morning – milk for the man and coffee for us adults.  On the weekends, we plan on going to the gym 9-11.  Due to circumstance, this has not been regularly happening, but today, it did and it felt like a great way to start the weekend.

This afternoon, I had planned a play date with several other mothers (mainly working moms) in Chico.  By 10 am, there were 3 cancellations, 1 maybe, and 1 person I have not heard back from.  It would be great if there was a play date, but the weather is so beautiful, that the afternoon in the park sounds great too!  I will see if I hear back from the two mothers by 3 pm (the allotted time for the play date) because I would rather not be waiting around if no one decides to come!

Perhaps writing in the blog post-play date or post-park would’ve led to a more exciting entry.

If any funny anecdotes come up, I will surely include them in the next blog entry!

Well, the lil man’s trend of waking VERY early in the morning every five days or so continues.  Last night, our son was tossing and turning from 2 a.m. – 4 a.m.  At that time, he started bouncing on the bed, clapping his hands, talking, playing, etc.  I decided to take him out of the room and let my husband get some sleep before his work day.

Clearly, my son functions fine without sleep.  Being that he’s been awake nearly 7 hours and is still “on the go” no longer shocks me.  He has been doing this on the weekend, which I had thought may have been triggered by his daddy being home all day and the change in routine.  Well, his father worked yesterday, but  his routine was changed up a bit.  Instead of the sitter coming in the morning, we went to the gym/gym daycare and did some shopping.  His afternoon remained the same with therapy.  But the evening was also changed up by having to pick daddy up from work and eating dinner out.

If routine is the key, we are surely screwed every weekend and holiday!

Our sitter could not work today, so I went to the gym and had our son in the gym daycare from 8:40-9:55ish.  So, it was not much time to myself, but enough to make a difference.  I worked out a little bit and spent time putting on make-up and grooming myself.  It has been so long since I have had so much time and had nothing I had to do.  I got to listen to music and relax.

I have to figure out how I can do this more often, how to fit this in our schedule.  I will not fret about it too much today – don’t wanna get all stressed out again!

Afterwards, we went to a couple of stores and I bumped into someone we met from the Autism Lifespan Meet and Greet.  Him and his wife would like to hang out with my husband and I – go bowling, see a movie, etc.  It is nice to have someone in this town actually show an interest.  Granted, you would never think us two couples would be friends (from appearance alone).  However, it is nice to move beyond the outer appearance of things.  They have a 14 year old son with autism.   At the meet and greet, we told them about our son and his “red flags” and his quirks.  They had said it sounded an awful lot like their son.  They suggested we have our son’s hearing tested, as their son did at around 18 mos. and had an issue.  So, thanks to them, our son’s hearing test is scheduled for next Wednesday.

Time to myself, a little conversation, good music, and a happy boy = a good day so far!

Our son has made incredible strides in therapy:  signing “more”, “all done”, “open”, and “go”.  He has even acquired some new words, phrases, and sounds:  “bye”, “hi”,”oh man”, “achoo”, “go”, panting, fish noises, sirens.  Yesterday, he pointed to his nose when his behaviorist asked him where his nose was.  However, I am starting to have notions that she is putting a spell on our son.

I have tried again and again to have the lil man point to his nose, but it is of no use.  It’s as if I am asking him a complex mathematical equation.  I show him pictures of dogs and fish and make noises, the same noises the behaviorist does, and, again, it’s as if I am asking the impossible.

His behaviorist has asked me, “does he do this…?”  “does he do that…?”.  Constantly, our son makes  a liar of me.  He will do this for her, but not for my husband or me.

Hmmmm.  I guess he knows we’ll love him no matter what, so why should he show off!

What had started out as a smooth morning turned into a difficult afternoon.  The lil man took his nap and woke up a bit earlier than usual – napping as he did before being sick.  He drank his juice and ate a little bit of his lunch.  He seemed just fine.  Then therapy began.

The lil man was doing one or more of the following during the session  a.  being in his own world  b.  wiggling in and out of the chair  c.  turning his back on his interventionist  d.  hardly interacting / avoiding eye contact as much as possible  e. repeatedly signing “All done” seconds into a task.  His interventionist thought we should have more breaks to see if that would help, and even tried a walk around the block.  I had been so surprised the prior week that my son was so willing to hold hands while walking.  However, that would not be the case this time.  He fought holding hands, being directed, even walking (by squatting on the ground).  His session marred my mood and I remained depressed by the time my husband got home from work.

Luckily, I was able to have my nightly bath, which helps me recoup.  When I got out of the bath, the lil man was in hyper-active mode.  Jumping all around, flailing his arms — almost repeatedly hitting himself in the face while doing so.  This lasted through many book readings, playing with blocks, bath time.  It was exhausting and even more depressing than the therapy session.

I am nervous about today’s session.  Each moment is so unpredictable!

It is amazing how sleep can change things.  I feel so much more optimistic and happy and invincible now that I have had some sleep!  The same problems remain as I pro-actively try to solve the ones I can.

The foremost issue, today, is play dates and friendships (in town).  I have some great friends far away on the East Coast but am still struggling to find these friendships here. Our new busy schedule (work/sitter in the morning and therapy each afternoon) is making it even more difficult.  We live in a small town where people’s families all reside.  Ours does not.  So on weekends, when we would like to get together with people, they are all tied up with family.  I feel bad for all of us (my husband, son, and I).

Our son’s last play date made him so happy!  I am trying my best to make another one happen soon. Even people who have snubbed me in the past, I have opened my arms to for my son’s sake.  I can only do so much and hope someone can make time for us soon.

In addition, I have reached out to our son’s program director at PIP about starting a support group for parents of “at risk of autism” toddlers. And, I have been on the phone multiple times with another agency about starting a support group.  I am still waiting for the Manager to call me back.  Should I hold my breath?  Well, Thursday I shall call again and see if I get anywhere.

I do not mind being our advocate, but I would like a little response in return.  Hopefully, this week will be the week!

Maybe it’s lack of sleep…or a not-so-great weekend so far, but the idea of going on vacation sounds horrendous to me.  And, definitely, not a vacation.

First, the drive in the car.  Surely we can schedule this during our son’s naptime.  However, then we can only choose a destination about 2 hours away…Then, meals out in restaurants…Well, I guess we could order room service…Then sleepless nights in a hotel with a screaming toddler — I am sure we would get complaints.

Life is too overwhelming that scheduling that type of “fun getaway” does not seem like a fun getaway at all.  For now, our vacation will be naptime and the park and maybe Sacramento!

My goals have been quickly dwindling this year:  exercise, eating healthier, being healthier.  I shall set a smaller, easier goal:  writing in my blog daily.  This may be difficult if away on vacation — since I do not have a laptop.  So, that shall be the exception to the goal.

I am setting this goal at 5:14 a.m. on Sunday morning.  My son awakened me at 2:54 a.m. and is still awake.  This is becoming a trend:  on the 14th and last Saturday night/Sunday morning, he awakened at similar times.  He is getting two teeth, but the amount of time to get him back to bed has gotten longer and longer.  At least it is enabling me to write right now.

Today’s blog may be just a jotting of words, but this at least fulfills day one of my goal!

It has been some time since I have been able to actually think and type.  My recent posts have been rushed — having to type with my son on my lap.  Today, I have decided to dedicate some time to writing while my son is napping.

This whole experience is completely overwhelming to my thought process.  One minute I see all the strides he is making in therapy, but then I see those dang “red flags”.  I think it is getting hard to deny that he will be diagnosed as being on the spectrum.  However, I am trying to see it as a positive.  Who says that pushing a car back and forth on the floor is more fun than playing with the car wheels?  Who says you should silently enjoy life instead of showing how much fun you are having with flailing your whole body?  I love our little man just the way he is.  I do not want therapy to change “him”.  You know, the essence of him — what makes him such an amazingly happy lil man!

Last night, my husband and I went to our second “Meet and Greet”.  It was at a restaurant vs. a bowling alley (where the first one was).  There was much discussion of evaluations, behaviorists, psychiatrists, medicine, insurance coverage, etc.  Many of the people we sat near had children with “high-functioning” autism.  Clearly, it means something different than I had previously thought.  These children have aides in school, behaviorists daily, cannot drive, do not seem too independent.  I had thought a high-functioning autistic was able to live a “normal” life without aides, without daily therapy, with independence.

It saddened me because the future now holds a cloud for me.  However, I am glad we met these people who have gone through it all and will be able to help us if we have any questions.  My husband is more optimistic since we have our son in treatment so early.

Let’s hope my husband is right in this case….