Author: leahbisrael

Licensed Menopause Champion and MenoChef and getting certified as a Women’s Coach Specialist. No Coast Menopause Coach will be open for clients and presentations beginning October 1st, 2023 both in-person and remotely. My journey of surgical menopause created a desire to learn more and help others. I am also a proud autism mom diagnosed with autism herself. In addition, I am experienced Knowledge Management Specialist who is able to multi-task and meet deadlines. Self motivated, detail oriented with strong verbal communication skills. Highly organized and skilled in all aspects of Microsoft Word. I have excellent follow through ability which makes me an asset. Skilled in the use of a wide range of legal software programs such as Microsoft PowerPoint, Excel, PowerPoint, Outlook & Internet Explorer.

Focus off me

I’ve been focusing these posts so much on me that I have neglected to write about the person that led me to blog to begin with, my son.  It is nearing his sixth birthday and I feel like changes in him are occurring daily.

It’s amazing how far he has advanced in the past month.  He will have (somewhat) reciprocal conversations, tell you his feelings and ask about yours, answer questions directed to him or even not directed to him (ie, the TV), and he now sleeps in his bedroom alone!!!  We are still in the prize stage of sleeping alone (which can be equated to prize stage for potty training).  I did tell him that the prizes will start to occur less frequently.  However, it seems the biggest prize for him is 1) waking me up once his clock tells him it is OK to and 2) having just the 2 of us watch TV up in his room in the morning.

The speed at which the switch over to “independent” sleeping mimics his switch from pull-ups to potty training.  It took YEARS to occur but the final push was quick.  Geez, that mimics my labor too.

Now, our big issue is to find other things to work on in ABA.  Poor us! (sarcasm)

Optimism trickling in

Things are falling into place and optimism is trickling in.  Although by nighttime, my optimism tends to fly out the window.

Today, I had a therapy appointment with an amazing therapist and a fantastic individual.  I discussed my involvement on the SEPTSA board (Special Education PTSA), my plans to volunteer at Roger’s elementary school, my work projects, and my plans to delay, or not even seek, my graduate degree.  However, my therapist believes I can do all of the above.  I may have to lower my expectations (choose to get B’s in school so I can still focus on my family and interests).  Even though, wholeheartedly accepting a B seems quite a stretch for me, I do think I am going to exercise the thinking that I will try my best but do not want to neglect all other areas of life.

Though I had a troubled night sleep due to the above worries and the possibility that the decaf I ordered yesterday was actually caffeinated coffee, I am feeling refreshed, renewed, and optimistic.

I felt overwhelmed this morning but feel READY this afternoon!

Sleep part 2

I slept!  Granted, I am awake before Roger and trying to stay quiet so he doesn’t wake. The sound machine, ear plugs, cozy cover, and 1 Benadryl worked. Or else, I slept out of pure exhaustion which does happen on occasion. 

I know I should take advantage of this time and try to sleep some more.  Unfortunately, when I wake I am up for the day. The wheels start spinning and sleep is over. 

I have no expectations that last night’s sleep is now the norm. However, I will take what I can get! 

The sleep trials

Wednesday, late afternoon, we had our first appointment with an ABA team to, mainly, discuss our co-sleeping issues. A nighttime schedule was devised as well as a plan to start implementing independent sleep beginning this upcoming Sunday night. The people-pleaser that Roger is wholeheartedly agreed to begin sleeping on his own. Every time I would bring up the same issue prior, he would not even consider it. I remained pessimistic of his agreeableness. 

That evening when it was time to get ready for bed, Roger took the new schedule and told my husband and I what he would be doing and in what order. He also stated that he was sleeping by himself. I disagreed (mainly because Rob had to get up at 3 am for a flight and that didn’t seem like the ideal first night sleeping downstairs). Roger screamed, “No. I’m sleeping by myself”. I could not argue. This is what we were hoping for. 

As far as I know, Roger slept pretty well that first night. My sleep, however, was chaotic: worrying about Roger, sharing a bed with a husband who could not sleep, waking him at 3 am, trying to sleep again at 4, and awoken by Roger a bit past 6. He was so proud of himself!  And I was so proud of him too!  He told EVERYONE at his school. 

Yesterday, Roger had two requests: 1) that I move the extra bed back to the guest room and 2) that I sleep in the guest room instead of downstairs. Not a problem. Except, yet again, my sleep sucked. Tossing and turning and listening.  I woke to a crying boy at 4, “its taking a long time”. I’m assuming for morning to come or for me to get out of bed. Thankfully, today a clock arrived that shows him when to sleep and when he can wake mommy. 

So, here we are, going on night three, and I am more prepared. I got myself a cozy cover, some earplugs, and a white noise machine. Let sleep come, please. 

Looking ahead

Today, I emailed a letter to one of my colleagues.  I would refer to her as my supervisor but she prefers colleague.  Its contents have been plaguing me for quite some time:

My eternal dilemma…

Next week I will become the VP-Communications for the SEPTSA Board (Special Education PTSA).  It involves many volunteer hours to complete the necessary work.  In addition, when Roger begins Kindergarten, I plan on volunteering in the classroom a couple of hours per week.  Here lies my dilemma.  Besides my position at (my place of employment), these two positions are near and dear to my heart and I will not sacrifice the time needed for these 3 roles.  However, this makes me wonder what time and energy I will have left over for Grad School.  In my priority list, Grad School falls below the above listed, family time, and health.  Is my position secure if I do not attend Grad School?  I’m putting out feelers as to what my priority list has to look like next year and the years ahead until Roger is older and, hopefully, more independent.  Of course, I am still “on the fence” but wanted to let you know where I was currently……Being that I will be starting to volunteer prior to the start of the Spring semester, I should have a pretty good idea as to how much time I have left per week.  

She reassured me and I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.  So much stress has left my body.

Sleep, I hold you so dear

Luckily, last night Rob slept in Roger’s room and I got to sleep in our king bed.  I might not have gotten the best night’s sleep (lots of tossing and turning and waking at 2 am out of habit), but I was able to fall back asleep and stay in bed until 6:30ish.  I feel like a brand-new woman.  I am the polar opposite of yesterday’s zombie.  I feel refreshed, raring to go, happy, and not irritable (well, I am alone all day, so it may be too early to say that).  I am enjoying myself today and getting lots done.

This afternoon, our new ABA will arrive to talk about our sleeping issues.  It could not have come at a better time or on a better day, since I am functional.  I am HOPING things getter better.

Currently, in the background, I am listening to Belle  & Sebastian’s Live on YouTube.  As if to be reassured in my “bigger” size, I see the woman behind the beautiful voice and music.  She is not what one would envision.  She is normal, not made up, what one may say is a “plain Jane”.  But she is not plain, she is angelic as soon as the vocals leave her body.

I am so much more than my outer appearance.  I have to remember that.  Daily affirmation time?

 

 

 

Zombie

After yet another 2 o’clock hour awakening (2:14 to be exact), I am a zombie.  Seriously.  I am no longer inhabiting this body.  Something that is barely functioning in airplane mode is inhabiting my body.  With today’s workload, I was unable to nap and am afraid the drive to Grapevine and back may be my downfall.  I usually yawn my way there but hope I do not end up closer to sleep…

One may think my child will be utterly exhausted after a full-day of school after waking so early.  HA!  He will be raring to go and off we are to go to the CAC.  I hear heat, humidity, and sun really wake you up.  If I’m a zombie now, I can’t even imagine what I will turn into by 6:30 this evening.  Seriously, I am trying to conjure what I shall be:  a comatose zombie?!

 

The Saga continues…

Well, the happiness I had a couple of weeks ago ceased when I ceased sleeping “well” (I did not sleep well before but it has gotten worse).  I have been crabby, so irritable, and a pleasure to be around.  Luckily, today was my appointment with my psychiatrist.  Again, we are trying a new medication.  However, this medication takes about 4 weeks to build up in your system, so I have to remain on these non-altering, constipation-inducing pills until my next appointment on Monday, August 8th.

On another pleasant note, my son’s anxiety is through the roof.  I guess having two anxious parents does not help one bit.  However, my son is five and crying hysterically that he won’t be able to take his vitamins or brush his teeth before school because there is not enough time.  This was not always so, as he has asked in the past, to take vitamins when he gets home.  Each day his anxiety builds more and more about small issues.  It seems some of his sensory issues have been replaced with anxiety regarding non-sensory issues.  I wonder if that occurs….hmmm, will have to ask the specialists.

Needless-to-say, the household has been a joy….wanna come over one morning?!

 

Hell aka Co-Sleeping

As an infant, many people have their babies in a pack-n-play or bassinet next to their bed.  The child will then be moved to a crib…toddler bed…twin bed, etc. in their own bedroom.  Our situation started out much the same as we moved Roger to a crib…

All was good until about 12 months of age, I believe.  Exhaustion makes my memory hazy. Around that age, Roger would awake moments after falling asleep in his crib.  I was not one who could do the “cry it out” method.  Sooooooo, Roger ended up in our bed.  Eventually, we brought his toddler bed, put it against the wall and pushed our queen bed against it.  It was like we were back to the bassinet days.  However, at this age, he would suffer through all these soothing rituals to try to fall asleep.  Nothing worked for hours upon hours.  Fortunately, our pediatrician recommended a very small dose of melatonin.

Fast forward to almost age 6…
We have graduated from the “family bed” to one adult sleeping in the king bed in the “big bedroom” while the other adult sleeps with Roger in two beds pushed together….to two beds slightly separated….to two beds on different parts of the same bedroom.  I am usually the lucky adult who gets to sleep in my son’s room.  Recently, Roger has been waking in the middle of the night and climbing into the twin bed I get to sleep in.

Sleep…what is that?  I am averaging 1.5 – 5 hours of sleep per night.  This is getting absolutely ridiculous.  Next Wednesday, I am hoping for a godsend of an ABA therapist who will begin our journey to end this Hell I have created.  Wish ME luck!

Anxiety

Right now I am feeling incredibly anxious.  What is the source of my anxiety: lack of sleep from a son entering my twin bed (co-sleep in son’s room but in different beds) around midnight through seven this morning; worry about my father’s surgery tomorrow; signing up for a Mother’s Night Out when I get socially awkward around a group of people; volunteering for the Autism Education Summit when I am now worried it may be too biomedical for me; spending money on a new dining room set; the combination of all those listed above?

I know it is silly to worry about such menial things (barring the surgery), but that is part of my diagnosis and one aspect of my personality that I am working on being more even keel.

Now, I am feeling quite anxious because I have nothing to write about…perhaps tomorrow my thoughts will not be as scattered.  Stay tuned!

Killing it!…for 3 days

This past week has rocked and I am proud of myself.  With my constant physical, mental and emotional health issues, I have been barely existing and using my only energy for my son, Roger.  This week, however, I have concentrated and focused on work, some light housekeeping, and, most impressively, exercise!  I feel like I am getting back into the groove of life.

This morning, for exercise, I took my old walk path.  Although living in flat Texas, the walking trails in Highland Village are incredibly hilly with “Caution: Steep Hill” signage.  It kicked my butt, especially in this horrible heat (even at 9 am).  However, I did enjoy the two quick conversations with strangers along my route.  One had two adorable pugs (my absolute dream dog that I am highly allergic to….one can still dream).  The other was an overheated lady, like myself.  I thought to myself, “I love my neighborhood”…and “Although residing in the state of TX, I think I could live here a very long time”.  The return walk sucked ass but I made it…what else could I do?

Yesterday, I went to kickboxing with a good friend of mine.  It has been a many month hiatus and was glad to have the good company to chat with as I tried to keep my composure while working out.  I really did not try that hard to keep my composure – cursing, stopping, heart rate too high.  But, again, I made it!

Monday, I weighed myself and was my highest weight in my entire life – including full pregnancy.  I know one should not put value in the scale, but it was the motivation I needed (now that I can be motivated, thank you meds)!

 

A new diagnosis for me…or, rather, an old one.

Yesterday I saw my therapist.  She is such a busy therapist that I had to book appointments through the end of the year to ensure I would see her every few weeks.  Prior to this brilliant scheduling, I was seeing a therapist her office recommended that I could book a future weekly or bi-weekly appointment easily at each appointment.  However, I always felt a closer connection to my “other therapist”, so much so that I recommended her to everyone.

The psychologist that I saw for a few months diagnosed me with bipolar disorder due to my reaction to the drug Trazadone.  Supposedly, mania while on that medication is an indication of bipolar.  However, yesterday, my no longer “other therapist” but my sole therapist, stated that she thinks that is completely incorrect.  She has never seen any indication of Bipolar.  Instead, she believes I have pretty extreme OCD, depression, social anxiety, and Asperger’s.  I agree with her.  I never really felt the euphoria of mania.

This past appointment she did say that she has never seen me as energetic/awake as I was at yesterday’s appointment .  I told her I was worried it was a manic episode and would culminate in a month-long depression (which started the above conversation).  However, she said it appears to be other’s “normal” level of energy that I am finally experiencing since my hormones and medications seem to be stable.  Geez, this is how other’s feel daily?  I still get depleted by 5 pm but I am actually functional during the day.  I’m actually focused and happy/content.  I love it and hope it stays this way!  In the past, I switched off these hormones due to the pain of injection and the uninsured expense.  But, clearly, it is worth both!

Something is finally working…

I am relieved that this week has been so much better than the past few weeks.  Something is finally working:  the HRT, the Abilify, slowly adding exercise into the mix, fewer doctor’s appointments.  Whatever the hell it is, even if it is my positive mood swing that may culminate in another month-long depression, I am thrilled to be where I am.  The brain fog has lifted and I no longer feel like my mind cannot make simple comprehensions.  I am actually starting to feel intelligent, once more, and not-so-overwhelmed!

This change could not have happened at a better time, since we head to the beach for a 3-day weekend.  This is the last year-round schooling for Roger and it has been difficult to hide the fact that other kids have summers off.  Our solution was to have three 3-day weekends (one each summer month).  He is thrilled he gets to miss school on a Friday while his classmates have to go to school.  I feel badly that  he doesn’t get to truly enjoy summer vacation like the other kiddos.  However, Roger does require structure and back to back scheduled activities.  Even after his 8:30-4 pm school day, he wants us to go several places.  He hates just going home.  It is very trying for me when I get into my ruts.  This week, I have been obliging with roller skating after therapy on Monday and the splash park/pool for three hours after yesterday’s school day.

Being exhausted by fun family activities is much more rewarding than being exhausted by just existing!

The Non-Blogging Blogger

About a week and a half ago another Ausome mom referred to me as a blogger (as well as great source of autism knowledge, which I truly appreciate).   Unfortunately, the blogger part of me has been non-existent for the past 6 + months.  There have been many moments that I have thought, “I should really write a post right now.”  But just as thoughts of exercise or cleaning the house, the urge was not great enough to open WordPress.  There have been many false beginnings when I claim to write daily and I utterly fail within weeks (sometimes days).  This time I will not make that claim, or any claim for that matter.

I have discovered that my bipolar and mixed up hormones motivate me at intervals when I sign up for grad school, get started on healthy eating and exercise, and try to “conquer the world”.  However, that gets washed away and I have weeks and, at times months, of exhaustion, despair, depression, body aches and pains, lack of any sleep, etc.  Right now, I am back on the saddle of plan-making and told my hubby, “I definitely HAVE to start grad school” in the spring.  But, in actuality, I do not HAVE to.  I want to.   It’d be nice to have my MLS/MLIS but it’s not necessary to my existence or work.  I am aware how fleeting my feelings are and may feel completely different tomorrow (or in a few hours!).

My poor family has to struggle with my struggle.  I was doing really well emotionally on Trileptal but my sodium level plummeted and had to go on fluid restriction of 33 ounces a day.  I LOVE drinking water.  And during these 90+ degree days, that is insane!  My medication was switched and I am starting to feel more even keel.  In addition, my testosterone level did not even show up in bloodwork.  I had to change my hormone replacement therapy last week, also.  Let me tell you, having a hysterectomy was the utterly worse decision I have made in life.  I did have issues prior but they did not feel as extreme as the past 3 years!  My last issue was high cholesterol.

Geez, I am not even 43 (well, I will be in a couple days) and I have the issues of a senior.  I gotta REALLY start taking care of me or my weeks will be like last week when I had 4 different doctor’s appointments.  This week I only have 1!

Steroid shot

A topic I really wanted to discuss with my psychiatrist was if I should cancel my Cervical Epidural Steroid shot. I was done with steroids. But my psychologist felt this may be different than oral steroids. 

My psychiatrist reassured me that since the shot is localized and not systemic that I should not have the systemic reactions I had while orally taking steroids. However, if it does occur (very slim chance) to call her immediately.

Well, today was the day. I decided to have anesthesia due to my anxiety and vasovagal. It put me to sleep immediately until they rudely awakened me about 30 minutes later. I was hoping to remain sleepy all day in bed. Unfortunately, I seem to react as my son does to being sedated: a surge of energy and inability to sleep. This is not the first time for me. 

The night of my hysterectomy I was washing dishes and putting things away. Today after trying to relax in bed for about an hour, I decided to work for 3 hours. After more struggling, I finally fell asleep for barely an hour. Now, again, instead of sleeping I am typing blogs. 

Fingers crossed this is not the steroids and that I do not have Roid Rage for Thanksgiving!

Dental implants = steroid mania

A few weeks ago I went to a pain specialist due to my chronic back issues. When deciding on when to book the appointment, I told her the following week I was having dental implants and will be taking steroids and antibiotics. I later commented that I had bipolar when discussing current medications. She then forewarned me of the issues that taking steroids on bipolar can have: whirling into mania. 

It worried me, of course, but was glad to be fully aware of what may happen and warn those around me. However, being aware could not stop my rages. Unfortunately, my mania consists of becoming extremely irritable and angry. It lasted longer than the five days of the regimen. I didn’t feel like myself, detested myself, vowed to never take steroids again under any circumstances, and could not wait for the cycle to end. 

After about 1.5 weeks, the mania started to subside. I was glad to have both my appointments with my psychologist and psychiatrist when the weening began. The bright side was being able to reflect on other past episodes that I never understood as being mania. 

It was a week and a half of hell but also of self-awareness. 

Insurance appeal

I figured since I’ve been absent from posting the last 3 weeks, I’d post separate entries regarding what’s been up in our world. 

One of the most frustrating issues has been a denial of insurance for ABA services due to “not being medically necessary” for our 5 year old son with autism. We buy our son his own insurance policy just for ABA services since self-funded employer plans can opt out of providing it.

Anybody with an inkling of autism knowledge should be aware that the only proven therapy to help is applied behavioral analysis (ABA). Roger began Early Intervention in California at the age of 18 months, prior to his diagnosis, and they utilized the Denver Model that includes ABA. He was in that program until we moved to Texas in October of 2013. 

The following year we were not aware of child-only policies, so he only attended PPCD 3 hours a day, had OT 1-2 times a week and Speech once a week. He did progress a little bit but nothing like he has in 2015 while attending the Easter Seals’ preschool with a BCBA. 

Of course, I received the letter on a Friday night and began freaking out. Saturday we had plans so I could only mentally obsess. Sunday was the day I dedicated to compiling my appeal.  The package that I sent in a Priority Medium Flat Rate Box consisted of over 250 pages of evaluations/observations/ADOS/IEPs. After I finished that task, I wrote letters to Easter Seals’, our psychologist, and pediatrician to fax their letters separately. 

I am relieved that it is off in the mail before the holidays!  One less thing to think about until I follow up next week. 

Funky day

I don’t know what’s being pumped into our house today but we are all in crappy moods.  Roger is whining over EVERYTHING and I’m extremely irritable which is a great combination as his whining is pushing me over the edge.  I try to put on a smile and act cheery but then I get in a funk again.

I was hoping that writing may give me a revelation or turn my mood around.  However, I realize now that I no longer feel like writing.

Life with bipolar.

A remarkable little boy

My son is such a great kid. He’s not aggressive like most boys his age (he’s 5).  He is super affectionate and we could all learn from his determination.  

Tuesday Roger had to have an endoscopy and 24 hour esophageal nasal tube test. I tried prepping him the night before on what to expect and showed him pictures of the nasal tube. We also kept repeating the food and drink cut off times. He nodded. He was completely disinterested.

The next morning he (we) woke nice and early. He asked for his morning snacks and water. We told him no to food and that he had 30 minutes left to drink water. We set a timer. He does well with countdowns. 

The drive to the hospital was a bit lengthy due to traffic and the maps getting confused and rerouting. My husband dropped us off out front. Roger was hoping for a play area but there was none. Things moved very quickly and we were at the desk going over a ton of forms needing signatures. Roger looked at me and said, “I’m sad”. Up until that point, he was completely non-chalant.  I told him mommy and daddy were going back with him. 

Roger did well getting his cape on and getting his vitals taken. Usually his can never be read due to his non-stop movement. As things tend to go, our wait before getting his “silly” juice/sleepy medicine was nearly 2 hours. Roger was a trooper playing on his iPad and watching Home on their tv. The girl across from our “room” continually screamed “I’m scared!”  If I were in Roger’s shoes that would’ve made me a wreck. He seemed not at all bothered (thank you, autism). Finally, he received his “juice” and started quieting down and got sleepy. They wheeled him back to the OR about 30 minutes later and he did not get upset at all (inside I was a mess). 

The procedures did not take long, all went well, and we were allowed to go to the recovery room. Roger’s eyes were full of tears. He kept repeating that he wanted the tube removed. It was a circular cycle of him asking, him being denied, and him spiraling into a series of coughing that even worried the nurses. During this time, the tube also had to be moved down his esophagus further. It was all so heart-wrenching. He also needed arm casts to prevent him from touching the tube. We tried to have them off a few times but he immediately would grab at the tube. 

The tube, the arm restraints, and the awful food schedule of him only being able to eat/drink every 4 hours with nothing in between was what we left the hospital with. We had a few bad moments during the day but he was so unbelievably good. I would not have been that calm and easy-going. 

My son is one remarkable little boy. 

Healthcare. Bah humbug

To begin with let me acknowledge that I am grateful for the Affordable Care Act. I am able to get ABA services for my son because of it. Employers can opt out of that coverage and most due (unless the founder/CEO/other bigwig is personally affected by it). Also, Roger will not be denied medical and behavioral services based on the pre existing condition of autism.  

2015 was our first year using an ACA plan for Roger. We reached the out of pocket maximum in less than two months. He was able to attend the Easter Seals preschool. Without the insurance that would not have been possible since it costs $4900 a month ($58,800 a year). He is excelling and it has been a year of unimaginable growth.  There have been some pitfalls with reviews of medical necessity, but, overall, an easy year. 

Next year the medical doctor pool is dwindling for the ACA plans. Roger will still be able to have his ABA but speech, occupational therapy, and physical therapy options will be close to none as well as pediatrician and specialist options. It seems our only solution will be to place Roger both on his own ACA plan and on my employer plan. In addition to the increased costs of monthly premiums, we will still be reaching his ACA out of pocket maximum without it benefitting the cost of his other therapies and medical needs. Those will be on a plan with it’s separate deductible and out of pocket maximum. 

We will take on the extra burden of cost, but what happens to those who cannot?

Weight…wait…life

My initial post was going to be about weight gain on my new medication.  How I gained 4 pounds in the past month.  My increased appetite with the increase in dosage.  And how that shouldn’t matter because I am feeling in better mental/emotional health.

A phone call this morning made the weight issue seem not so important.  One of my cousins passed away last night in an accident.  I do not need to go into details related to the accident.  Unfortunately, her mother has lost her husband and, now, both of her children.  One of my first thoughts confirmed one of my beliefs that there is no god.  Some people do heinous things and live a full lifetime.  Some people destroy their bodies with drugs/alcohol/other substances and live long lives.  Others pass away too soon having done nothing but live.

I’m not going to start preaching appreciate the life you have and those in it…although I did tell my husband to do so before he left for the movies with my son.  I guess the point of this post (if there must be a point) is we focus on things so non-important such as weight while we need to change our focus to trying to be happy in our life.  If that requires therapy, like it does for me, do it.  Don’t feel stigmatized.  I have felt happier (or more even keel) in the past 3 days while still getting into some tiffs with my husband than I have in the past 3 years.  It takes awareness and work, but it is worth it.  Do it while you can!

Waiting

Today has been a day of waiting and wading through awful weather. I have gone to three back-to-back doctor appointments. Well, in actuality, I am still in the waiting room for the third. I am an inpatient person and have handled the waiting in stride. That last statement is conditional on the length of this wait. 

You may be thinking:  3 doctor’s appointments in one morning…how old are you?  Well, I’m 42. Although I sometimes feel ancient, I am not. My first appointment was my psychiatrist who is very cut and dry. Although this past week has been pretty even-keeled, I did have a few manic episodes in the past 3 weeks. Unlike the euphoria some bipolar have during mania, mine is filled with anxiety and irritability and obsessive thoughts. My meds were increased again and I am hopeful that will work better. 

My second appointment was for my weekly allergy shots. It’s not an official appointment, but puts a dent of 45 minutes in my day. I have had severe allergies since I was little. When I lived in NYC, I finally decided to have shots, since medication did not work. However, after 10 months, I had an anaphylactic reaction and stopped them til about a year ago. Again, my allergies were making my life unlivable and my therapist urged me to try them again. I had the test and found out I was allergic to EVERYTHING except horse dander, cockroaches, and some strands of mold. I get 3 shots a week and have been doing much better. 

My third appointment is the back doctor. I have had chronic back issues for the past 10 years, the worst being in my neck. I know a lot of that area has to do with stress, as well as degenerative and herniated discs and pinched nerves. I am still waiting for my 10:45 appointment. Only about 30 minutes late. However, this blog has kept me level. I’ll see if I go off the deep end now that I’m done!

How many days is today?

I don’t know about the rest of the world but, for me, one day can feel like several disjointed days.  Maybe it is because it begins so early and chaotically.  Maybe because I have to make shifts between my jobs.  Maybe because we are overscheduled.  Maybe because I am exhausted from a lack of sleep and too many things on my mind.

Whatever the reason, today feels like I’m on part 2 right now.  This morning was a lengthy parent-teacher meeting.  They are very helpful, listen attentively and have great input.  After the meeting, I decided to make a doctor’s appointment for Roger.  He has had a cough for about a week that is so terrible at night that we are all sleeping horribly.  I don’t think he was sick, but I wanted to double-check since he is scheduled for an endoscopy next week.  I called from the school parking lot and scheduled a 10:45 appt.  It was 9:15 in Grapevine which is roughly 30-40 minutes from our house in Highland Village.  Instead of pulling him that early, I got some coffee downtown and picked him up a little after 10.  The doctor reassured he is all good to go with the endoscopy and prescribed a nasal allergy medicine.  She believes his coughing may be so severe due to his reflux issues.  A quick run to Five Below for a transformer for being such a good boy (his words) and we headed home.  Thankfully, my parents were able to watch him this afternoon, so I could enter part two of my day.

We arrived home minutes before my folks arrived.  I was trying to bring all of our junk in from the car, get Snuffles outside to go potty, open Roger’s new toys, get a cup of coffee, take out the smelly trash, start laundry, etc.  My parents always get to see me under a mountain of stress.  A mountain of stress from just doing normal chores.  However, I try to do all these things in ten minutes or less.  I get frazzled, inpatient, snappy, pissed off, and super sensitive.  Getting into my work flow actually calms me and gets me back into my routine.  Clearly my Aspergers loves routines and gets upset when my routine is upset (as it was this morning).

Part three of my day will occur after my work shift.  It usually consists of picking up Roger, going to therapy, getting his dinner ready and the bedtime/bathtime routine, and a quick interaction with my husband. Tonight, my parents are taking him to therapy (so I can make up work hours) and will be making dinner at their house.

I know I am lucky to have my parents available….and, yes, I did apologize for my earlier demeanor with them!

New direction

Over the past few weeks, I have tried to be very cognizant of my feelings/emotions/ups and downs.  In doing so, I have been too anxious to blog out of fear of opening myself up to people and criticism.  That is one reason I have decided to remove my blog from FaceBook.  Those who choose to read about me have to actively do so.

Another reason I have not blogged is because I fear of sounding just depressed all the time.  Always doom and gloom…who wants to read that?!  However, if I only blog when I am happy that does not create the full picture of what I am experiencing.

Starting today I am (hoping) to blog daily.  I know sometimes life throws a curveball, but I am hoping journaling will actually aide me in this journey of mine into treating my bipolar depression.

I am supposed to keep tabs on how my medication is helping, if it is helping, what my mood cycles look like, etc.  This is the note I have been keeping on my iPhone since my last psychiatric appointment on October 2nd:
Highly irritable 10/2-10/5
Lost patience with son
Ice pick headache 10/2 through 10/6
Depressed 10/3; Happier 10/4; Stressed but neutral 10/5
Depressed week of 10/13 (what happened to the week in between — who knows?!)
Great day with my son 10/12.
So much stress.  Obsessing over ACA plans and next year’s schooling.
October 15th very happy and productive
Woke up 10/16 and 10/17 miserable.  In bad moods both days.  10/17 angry as f*ck at my husband (going to exclude the rest of that comment)
10/19 Obsessive all last week.  Today I am not at all.  Pretty ok today.

I shall continue my list with 10/20 being a pretty good and productive today.  Today, I woke up gloomy/tired/foggy like the weather but I have “snapped” out of that a bit and am starting to feel productive and neutral.

Well, there goes my last 3 weeks!  I see my psychiatrist on Friday and will fill her in as well.

Alone

I am so depressed today.  I have been all consumed in work, watching Transparent in the background, and feeling sad inside.  Nothing has happened.  It has been a pretty stress-free, routine day.  I am wondering if it is such a sad-mood day because it is my first full-day alone in my thoughts.

My Diagnosis

As noted in my previous post, I had both my second appointment with my psychologist and my first appointment with her recommended psychiatrist.  I was not as anxious at my second appointment; my speech was not as rushed; my thoughts, although still rapid, came out a little clearer.  However, I still had the tendency to move from topic to topic, time frame to time frame, issue to issue.  The therapist showed me the note she faxed to the psychiatrist and gave me a copy as well (if lost in faxing).  There were a couple of items I walked away from therapy realizing:  1.  I internalize everything/am VERY sensitive.  So, if I know a person would not purposely hurt me, I am most likely misinterpreting their words/motives.  2.  In 42 years (with about 25 years in and out of therapies), I never really knew what I wanted out of therapy; what my goals are; what I am doing.

A visit to the psychiatrist is a stark contrast to seeing a therapist.  I had been to psychiatrists in my eating disorder days.   They seemed cold and I never was able to tell if medicine affected me positively, negatively or acted as a placebo.  Therefore, I stopped going and stopped taking medicine.  After I gave birth to Roger, I sought out a psychologist and she stated I had postpartum (believe me, I did not need a therapist to tell me that).  My primary care doctor gave me a prescription to Prozac and I never since consulted with a psychiatrist.

My therapist told me to expect to take some tests to assess my diagnosis, as well as conversation.  On any day, I’d rather take tests than talk.  However, first came the talking.  It was an anxiety-riddled collection of thoughts.  I was all over the place.  It probably came off as drug-induced conversation.  I never know what to say.  I say too much.  Trip over my words.  Feel embarrassed and idiotic.  Act like I’m a prepubescent teen who has no knowledge of herself and life.  Then came the easy part:  the tests.  The answer to most of the questions was Frequently.  And I thought to myself, “Don’t most people feel like this most of the time?!”.

My diagnosis, according to the psychiatrist (and first pointed out by the psychologist), is undeniably Bipolar Disorder.  My previous therapist gave me a diagnosis of Aspergers and OCD.  It seems that bipolar is sometimes misdiagnosed as OCD and that the drugs prescribed (anti-depressants like Prozac — that was increased to 40 mg due to the OCD) actually make Bipolar worse.  Bipolar Disorder requires mood stabilizers instead and a lot of OCD tendencies may be a result of having bipolar, instead of a separate diagnosis.

Although depressed over having a mood disorder, there is much to learn about the diagnosis and myself.  I wrote many different verses to end this post but none can sum up how I feel.  Please do not feel bad for me; do not pity me; do not state this is a false diagnosis; do not state I am strong and can do this.  I love your support but am putting this out there “as is” and not for input.   I have so many thoughts and feelings to sort out that I do not wish to misconstrue your words…

My therapy

Today will be an interesting day.

Last week, I started therapy with a new psychologist.  I dearly love my previous therapist (who is also Roger’s therapist).  She diagnosed me with OCD and Asperger’s.  She, too, struggles with OCD, so we had a connection.  Unfortunately, she is in such high demand that having a consistent appointment would not be possible.  She recommended the therapist I met with last Friday.

I think I overloaded my new therapist with years of information in such a short period of time.  However, two issues that I have had recent problems with and are intertwined are: 1. lack of sleep (yes, still 3-5 hours per night) and 2. my reaction to trazadone.  My doctor and previous therapist decided to switch my Prozac to a medication that would also be a sleep aide.  The amazing part of trazadone was that I was sleeping a whopping 6 hours per night.  The downside was I was not myself.  I was on the medication for 2 weeks and feel like it remained in my system last week as well.  My husband thought I was out of it.  I was in a haze, but then had bursts of energy where I’d clean, shop excessively on-line, make a million plans, be obsessed with my phone even with my son around.  I decided to stop taking it when my husband kept noting how I was not present.  Once off the medication, I started remembering all the purchases I made, my consumption with the stupid phone rather than life, how I should not have been driving, how messed up on a prescription drug I had become.

Describing the above to my new therapist, she suggested that I see a psychiatrist because my lack of sleep and my reaction to trazadone is prevalent in Bipolar Disorder.  I have to say my husband and I have used that term in passing due to my moody behavior.  She thinks I may have approached medication the incorrect way thus far.  I have not been to a psychiatrist since my eating disorder days of yore (decades ago!).  I am quite nervous.  After that trazadone fiasco, I am scared of any and all medication (except for my prozac and allergy medication).  I have a back specialist appointment next week and am even fearful of medication he may recommend.

There are many things I look forward to changing through therapy but do realize that medication may help me reduce my anxiety, stress, obsessive thinking, crazy mood swings, depression, etc.  I approach today taking baby steps towards larger strides in the future.

My solo staycation

After being completely overwhelmed the past few weeks (months, years), I finally decided to take a week off of work and just relax.  It has been over five years since I have had 5 consecutive days off of work.  At the beginning, I had plans to try to: 1. exercise 2. read 3. blog daily 4. reconnect with me….and the list goes on.

After feeling overwhelmed by the to-do list for my staycation, I decided to not have any expectations or plans for my staycation.  That has worked out best, for I have not done much.  It is Thursday and this is the first blog post I have written.  Exercise, Schmexercise.  I did disconnect from social networks for the most part this week (or drastically reduced usage from a typical week).  That has made me enjoy the silence a bit more.

Tomorrow marks the last solo day of my staycation.  I have multiple doctor appointments, so not too much fun or relaxation ahead.  I thought I would be bored by the end of this week and longing for work.  However, I would love to take another week off!

September has been a really rough month for me.  I have not felt myself the majority of the month and realized I missed my boring, old self!  Here’s hoping October weighs a little less heavily on my mind and body…

Drama-free

One of the things I cherish most about being in my 40’s is being free from drama.  I live a stable life:  married to a man I have been with since late 2001, been working at the same place of employment since 2003, brought a beautiful child into this world in 2010,  and bought our first house in 2014.  Do I yearn for more?  Sometimes.  I wish I had more ME time, maybe go on vacation, read a book, lay in bed all day, etc.

Autism has created any drama I need in this lifetime.  How will he react today vs. yesterday?  What will his meltdown be about this morning, afternoon, and night?  It makes me usually question spending money on a vacations that may be filled with meltdown or illness.  Therefore, we don’t venture out too much.  We take trips to the zoo or the aquarium, but our child is really not interested in either outing.  He wants to look at the fans in the cafe or go to the giftshop.  He always waits to be finished with the outing.  When we went to ICE, he basically fell to the floor and screamed to be let out of the exhibit.  It’s frustrating to lose that money and not be able to enjoy a holiday event with my son.  Will he ever enjoy these things?  Going to see Christmas lights in Orland had a similar blood-curdling reaction.  Again, we were in a line of cars and could not just leave.  Another past time I would love to enjoy with him.

Well, the next holiday is Halloween.  He does love Halloween.  He has to be Batman (like the previous 2 years) because that is the routine.  And, although prompted to say “trick or treat” before every house, he will ring the doorbell and ask “Do you have fans?”.

This is the only drama I need in my life.

Reflecting

Next week, Roger has his second ADOS.  For this process, our therapist and I have been discussing his first warning signs of autism, the stages he went through, what were the strong indications of autism and how they presented themselves, etc.  Yesterday, I filled out the parent assessment regarding Roger’s skills, behaviors, and emotional development.

I always state how fantastic my son is (and he is) but filling out the assessment made me realize how stressful our lives really are on a daily basis.  One day on FB, I saw someone ask a question regarding their child having about 2 meltdowns a week and if they may have autism (roughly around the age of my son).  Two meltdowns a week would be awesome!  We deal with 2 meltdowns before school, meltdowns in the car on the way home from school, after therapies, around mealtimes, with the going to bed routine.  If we only had two meltdowns in a day, it would be manageable.  Many questions focused on the frequency of tantrums, mood swings, anger, sadness, bodily harm, hurting others, etc.  I cannot believe the amount of times I chose Very Frequently.

The last portion of the questions dealt with basic skills obtained: hygiene related, verbal, academic – counting/letters, fine motor.  He does very well with basic academic skills such as number/letter recognition, but completely is lacking fine motor for school.  He cannot write his name without tracing it or draw figures.  In addition, he has great difficulty dressing himself and does virtually none of his hygiene without being aided.

It was interesting to reflect on how much Roger has grown and advanced since his first ADOS (3.5 years ago).  It was also very sad to see all the skills and behaviors he still has.  He is a gentle, sweet boy.  However, his limitations must frustrate him.  I realize he needs to learn better coping skills (as do I).  I am very interested in seeing his teacher’s assessment as well as the finalized ADOS.  This time it is not as nerve-wracking as his first ADOS, but it surely is bringing a lot of emotions forward.

It is good to reflect.