OCD – Page 2 – Spinning Wheels

Weekend Anxiety

I am still under the weather with coughing, allergies, chills, some tummy issues, etc. Unfortunately, Roger, as an only child, wants to be entertained. This morning he was already talking about what fun things we could do later: karaoke, games. Thankfully, he is aware my back hurt too bad last night from roller skates that he took that off the table. Of course, resting and watching a movie are always off the table for Roger too!

This weekend happens to be a 3 day weekend as well, so that gives me an extra day of “fun” to schedule for Roger. I am trying to institute a family fun day on Saturdays to do something out of the ordinary (zoo, museum, Dallas in general, etc.). Tomorrow, I am pitching Ripley’s Believe It or Not since it will be quite chilly. We will see if everyone is on board with that decision. Sunday, I hope to feel up to Yin Yoga and Mediation followed by a short date with Rob. Monday morning is still unscheduled but I have a make-up swim lesson planned for 1 pm followed by a play date with Roger’s best friend followed by Occupational Therapy.

I just have to make it through today first!

Ohm

Today I feel pretty accomplished in the work, home and personal realm. That being said, I still have half the day to feel overwhelmed and crushed. However, I am going to try to keep a positive attitude on this gloomy, overcast day. Although I guess that previous statement does not sound too positive!

This morning, on my walk home from Roger’s school, I had those same contemplative, philosophical thoughts I had mentioned the other day. Then the major thought hit: am I having a mid-life crisis? That can’t be. I had my mid-life crisis when I bought white roller skates with pink wheels a couple of years ago! Hmmm, what could be going on where I am contemplating my life’s priorities?

The last series of Meditation I had just completed was themed Prioritization. Clearly, the meditation is sinking into my daily life. That is the point. Maybe I should listen to the Happiness pack next and wait for that to become part of my daily life.

The Seventh of January

The first week of January has been a moody week for me. In my head, I tried to keep positive with all the drama surrounding me. I tried to keep patient with the cries of a sensory kiddo. I tried to stay on task with my mind constantly distracted.

Last night, as we watched another uplifting show on Netflix, The End of the F***ing World, I was saddened and, clearly, philosophical. With the attainment of all our possessions, what is the point? What purpose do they serve? Why was I so excited to have our first real bedroom set? Why did I value my Roomba (that I almost broke and quietly lectured myself about) so much more than my peace of mind?

Well, today, with last night’s lack of sleep, I am again impatient, moody, and exhausted. We have an “all day” window for furniture delivery. I completed my weekend work for my “real” job and have a litany of chores around the house to occupy my time til the arrival. However, after finishing my work, I meditated via Headspace and am now blogging for a moment or two. Am I procrastinating cleaning the toilets or do I just need some rest? It is hard to decipher. I will sit here in quiet until the mood (or, perhaps, the guilt) drives me to do something else.

January 3rd, what a turd.

Quite a poetic title, eh? Yesterday’s family drama and my son’s sensory issues continued today.

Last night, I had a phone call while I was in bed for sleep. I decided not to answer it. The day exhausted me and I just wanted sleep. This morning I see complaints of this person on social media that no one helps and the blaming of others. I corrected them on both accounts. The person is an adult with a child and acting like a pre-teen with middle school hormones. In the past, I have been very gentle with them, always giving a listening ear. We had given money in the past and the same bad decisions were made repeatedly. This time it was too much. My parents had given so much and yet complaints of “no family” and “no help” lingered all over Facebook. I contacted this person via Messenger and was, for the first time, very direct and blunt. I guess it was not what was desired and I was blocked from conversing after I got a juvenile response. I texted my response and, again, was given the “no family” and “everyone can go to hell” line.

I felt at peace for finally voicing my true opinion. However, I heard from my parents of another horrendous decision made and I have been obsessing over it all day. I keep telling myself not to harp on about it, but then my thoughts go back.

In my conversation with my mother, I finally unloaded all the current issues we have been having with our son and his sensory processing disorder. The continual battles about shoes, about shirts that do not fit correctly, about one drop of water on his shirt causing a meltdown. I usually keep this all inside or, lately, have been blogging about it. She had no idea things were getting so tough with Roger again.

The one thing I was taught since Roger started early intervention at 18 months was that autism is cyclical. There are ups and downs, regressions and progress. What I remember from that time was that the downs outlasted the ups. I guess I have been spoiled by all the progress because this regression in behavior is becoming unbearable. It slowly began during the summer and has been advancing since first grade began. He is great at school but not so good at home and at his therapies.

I guess instead of obsessing over someone who is unhelpable, I need to concentrate my efforts and figure out what steps we need to take to break Roger out of his current cycle.

Being a responsible parent is hard.

2018, Take Two

The second day of the year was not nearly as peaceful as I hoped. I did have a lovely, full night’s sleep in our king bed downstairs. However, that tranquility was disturbed by a frantic phone call. It was a family issue (not immediate family affected). I tried not to harp on it and go about my day. Unfortunately, the internet, cable and home phone were all not working, so Rob called Spectrum to resolve the issues. They said we would need a technician to come out and the first availability would be Friday. This is one of the downsides of working from home at a job that does not want you to use Wi-Fi in public places.

Fortunately, while that phone call was still in progress, I had an appointment for a massage and facial. I still had hope for this day yet. Both were lovely but I had an especially talkative masseuse. I like the quiet massage time. Also, he mentioned religion 3 times during the massage while I am on my stomach with my Coop Devil Tattoo on my back. These are the times I regret that tattoo.

When I returned home, we decided to eat out and play video games at Round 1. Here is where the real fun begins….My son has either extreme sensory issues with his feet/shoes and/or OCD. We think it is sensory since it has been there the majority of his life. I tightened his left shoe 3 times and his right shoe 5 times and the right shoe was still not tight enough. My hands could no longer handle the laces. I told him I refused to tie it anymore and I plopped belly first on the bed. In anger, he crammed his head into the right side of my back incredibly hard. Tears filled my eyes and I let out a scream in anguish. It hurt so badly and he intended on hurting me. Not only the pain, but intention kept the tears coming. This was my first big cry of 2018.

It took about an hour or so til we were able to get out the door and salvage the day. Oh, 2018 you are already trying my patience!

Happy 2018!

Yesterday, I was very tired, stressed, and reactive. I was super moody and snapped at my husband and son the majority of the day. I was, definitely, not at my best. However, after many glitches during the day, a switch flipped for me around 5:30 pm. Roger and I spent the pre-NYE party listening to music and singing karaoke. At 7, the first of our guests arrived (of the 3 other families joining us). There was a rocky start with the children, particularly my child. He complained nobody wanted to play with him. It reminded me of those holiday parties we had prior to Roger’s autism diagnosis where he would only be happy if me and him went in a separate room from everyone. The night ended great with two new year’s cheers at 11 pm (for NYC) and midnight.

This morning, although exhausted from a terrible night’s sleep, I woke with a change in attitude for 2018. I have several intentions and goals for 2018. After coffee and some straightening up, I wrote in my new journal/yearly calendar. It is a calendar geared not only towards schedule but goals/aspirations/gratitudes. It helped me focus on self-growth and have “me” time.

After that, Roger and I did several experiments from the Magic School Bus kit he received for Christmas 2016. Rob and I watched “Bring It On” and I took an extremely hot and long shower (sorry conservationists but it was so needed for me). I spent time in the room doing meditation from Headspace and ended up taking a short nap. Roger woke me up showing me some art he created of The Beatles. We also read 2 books he checked out from his school library on Rosa Parks and Ronald Reagan. He only checks out biographies (just as I as an elementary school kid).

Now, post dinner, I am writing in my blog, Richie Rich on Netflix, and Roger exhausted. He’s been a bit cranky due to lack of sleep the last few days. He keeps saying how tired he is but refuses to get ready for bed. Time to deal with this, I guess.

When autism rears its ugly head

Yesterday was a day that was filled with many autism/anxiety/sensory issues. It is always lurking there (especially the sensory shoe and sock issue that is dealt with multiple times a day), but some days are worse than others. It began with an ungodly waking time of 4:52. There was an early morning cry about worries of going away to college and not knowing how to get to his classes. Yes, my son is 7.

The next meltdown was regarding not building a pool in our backyard for next summer. There is no reasoning to help a situation like that. So, unfortunately, more tears were shed.

Not being able to open the DEVO “action figure” was the third inconsolable moment.

The next issue was the not-tight-enough shoe dilemma. That lasted from roughly 10:30 am til 2 pm, off and on.

Finally, the multiple times he is unable to understand instructions or “see” something that is literally right in front of him. Repeating things like “the towel is right on top” when exiting the shower. It may have been that the towel he always uses looked a little different when laying on the towel rack. Whatever the reasoning, it all made for a tiring day.

Last night I could not sleep and awoke earlier than yesterday. I hope I can hold it all together for the New Year!

Lazy blogger

Yup, that’s me. I’m a lazy blogger. It takes virtually no time to write a short blog, but I have just contemplated it and gone on with my day. For the quadrillionth time, I am going to try to blog as part of my “be healthy” 2018 New Year’s Resolution. Blogging usually gives me some clarity or closure of feelings. At the very least, it gives me a sounding board for my complaining! So, if I do not see you before, see you again in 2018!

What a week!

There were many times I thought about blogging this past week, especially when things were going well and I was very organized, focused, and accomplished. However, I stayed on task and did not blog. Today I feel overwhelmed, anxious, unfocused, agitated, and depressed.

Saturday night we went to see Ministry but my ear was in so much pain from previous sinus infections that we had to leave early. Monday I started new medicines that included steroids. The good news is my ear is feeling much better. The bad news is that, although it gives me extra energy, it makes me incredibly angry, annoyed, and, overall, pissed off. Each day I have a shorter fuse. Tomorrow is my last day of the five day pack but I do not know how long it will linger in my system. I am very sensitive to steroids but this seems to be the only med that has helped me with this over month long ear issue.

There are so many things coming up and that I have been planning on doing: new rules/check system for Roger’s behaviors, selling our old dining room table, Thanksgiving next week, sorting through our bedroom “crap” so that we can get hardwood floors installed the Monday after Thanksgiving, trying to figure out what Roger wants for the holidays, hoping to sell toys and donate toys that Roger does not play with, getting bags of clothes ready for donation, etc. The thought of all is just too much. I want to just hide under the covers and wake up with everything done for me!

Let me get through this workweek and maybe then I can breathe and get in gear for the holidays!

Rainy Wednesday

Today started out as most weekdays –with the struggle over Roger’s shoes not being tight enough. I know the weather change enhances some sensory issues. This Wednesday it manifested itself over a shirt to wear. The first shirt I chose was sweatshirt material. Roger said it was too soft and to get it off him. He was very upset. The second shirt’s sleeves were a 1/4 inch too long for him, so he completely freaked out for a second time. The third shirt worked but his shoes had to be tied multiple times. The walk to school had light rain. That he did not complain about. The walk home the rain became heavier. C’est la vie!

So today is a cold, rainy day. The perfect day to be under covers in bed. I tried to convince myself that I could skip my exercise for the day, since I did it the previous 3 days. However, this seems to be my cycle. By mid week, I usually start excusing myself from exercise. Since I am volunteering the next two days and have an ENT appointment, I know I may not have time which made today’s workout more crucial for me.

Well, I did it and it’s over and I’m glad I did it and I’m glad it’s over.

November

I am hoping to have turned the corner on exercise and wellness. Yesterday, I went to a yoga class for the first time in YEARS! It was a restorative class and last night my cervical pain has been at its lowest. Today, I did a 30 minute streaming cardio class. The first fifteen minutes seemed pretty easy but the last fifteen was pretty difficult. It felt great to complete. I am hoping exercise along with my Headspace meditation will make dealing with my own and Roger’s anxiety easier.

Discouraging

Initially, I was going to make this blog a remainder of the week post. However, today I am feeling quite cruddy and that’s just discouraging. I have been eating healthy, exercising, and doing meditation. Instead of energized, I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. I still have this same sinus infection/ear infection. It has almost been a month. The antibiotics do not help and, unfortunately, today I started wheezing a bit. That means a third trip back to the doctor’s office next week is most likely. I did tell Rob that if I still feel this terrible on Sunday that I am taking the day to rest/sleep. Work and after school have been very busy and a tad stressful. I have had very little down time this week. I am sure that is not helping my recovery.

However, I will now list the positives of my week: being a classroom helper on Tuesday, Roger advancing to the next level in swimming, starting a liberal local book club, a very good teacher conference on Thursday, coffee with some great ladies this morning, dinner and conversation with my parents on Wednesday, and lots of love and sweetness from my son and my husband. Seeing that list makes my infection not seem so bad!

Always something.

Update on the remainder of my week:

Wednesday I had an appointment with a new therapist. I was told to arrive 15 minutes early to fill out paperwork. I arrived early and no one was there until about 10 minutes after my appointment time. That was a huge turn off. Second turn-off was the décor. Way too much cutesy/ranch type of décor with an overload of essential oils. My third issue was her disagreeing with my internist about ending hormones at the five year mark. And the final issue was that my appointment ended at 45 minutes (and that included the time they were late and the paperwork was filled out), so in actuality my session was 20-25 minutes and cost my co-pay of $40. I did make a second appointment for November, but am not sure if she is the right fit. Maybe I should try a second go. I’m sure I will obsessively think that through. That same day I made a flu shot appointment for Roger. That was traumatic. We got the numbing patch and he still cried and screamed when the shot was administered.

Yesterday I took my husband to his endoscopy/colonoscopy procedure. One polyp was found and will be biopsied. They took other cultures to make sure nothing else is going on in there. He was very nervous but the general anesthesia seemed to have no affect on him after he woke up. For me, I am usually tired and I nap and then I’m up all night. He was up the remainder of the day and went to Roger’s hip hop class with me.

The beginning of the week I made a doctor’s appointment for my remaining cough and my stuffed right ear/popping ear. Today was my appointment and I was correct: I have an ear infection now. It is always something! Another round of antibiotics and, hopefully, all will be clear.

Remainder of Week 6 and Week 7

Life has been completely overwhelming! That, actually, may be the biggest understatement I have made in a while. I do not do well with stress, so for others, these weeks may not seem like such a big deal, but for me they have been hellish!

Tuesday I was completely overwhelmed, but, as has been the case, blogging helped me snap out of it a bit. Also, my son graduated his level of swimming and went up to a level 4. Having a child with autism who has fears is a double whammy – we have tried lessons year after year, but putting his head under water ended each attempt. Now, he is constantly going under water. It is amazing to watch!

The remainder of my week was haunted by bad back and neck pain and headaches. I had several appointments: physical therapy, psychologist, and my orthopedic surgeon. As usual, my pain increased after having physical therapy and remained high through the weekend until Sunday. From this correlation, I decided to stop going to PT. It is no longer necessary, the doctor told me, unless it was helping. After 6 sessions, the pain was exacerbated. I had felt more at ease with my decision to have ACDF surgery as the doctor explained and answered my questions during my appointment. But I also made an appointment for a second opinion, since I do not want to rush into surgery.

I have an appointment next Monday for a neurologist. However, looking up my symptoms, my continuous headache sounds like a tension headache. I still need to find out if there is any other issue regarding the tinnitus and dizziness, as well. Tension is the key word of these past few months!

Yesterday, I had my EMG. The EMG was interesting, getting shocked by a mini car battery and then needles put in my arm, moving them, while pushing against the doctor’s hand on demand. I found out that I now have to go to a hand specialist due to a nerve that is very compressed/blocked in my elbow. Add those appointments to the roster! The upside: that was the only damaged nerve. Those results did not help me with the decision for ACDF surgery, as I had hoped, all it did was set me up for another potential surgery on my elbow. Great, more to obsess about!

Good Morning, 44

Yesterday I was in such a foul mood all day that I had mentally prepared to write this blog about my 43rd year. I will still write the intended post but I am not in quite the same sour mood I was when contemplating it.

I kept questioning why I was so depressed yesterday. Was 44th the hard birthday for me? People had said 40 would be hard but was not for me. I was looking forward to my 40’s. Why was turning 44 so depressing? Then the realization was that last year was a hard year for me.

Physically, I had (have) issues with my back and had some other instances that I had to go to the doctor and, in one instance, the ER. Hormonally, this year was utter chaos. My testosterone levels went from non-existent to way too much and the physical ramifications of that are still rearing it’s ugly head: body acne and body hair growth. These were two issues I have never had in the past 43 years. I had inquired at the OB/GYN how long I should remain on hormones (read 5 years). They pretty much told me I could remain on them forever. When I told my internist, she adamantly said 5 years maximum. Since we decided to stop the pellet for 6 months due to the side effects, that means I shall remain hormone-free due to my 5 year anniversary of my hysterectomy is 2018. Mentally/emotionally the testosterone made me more edgy and still is as I have to wait for all the excess testosterone to exit my system. Besides the Biote hormone pellet, my 43rd year was full of medications for depression/bipolar/anxiety and allergies, as well as supplements. I, with the help of my therapist, nutritionist and internist, have decided to wean off the majority of the medications. Currently, my roster is fluoxetine, Zyrtec, multivitamin, probiotic, and vitamin D3. I have cut out about 10 medications/supplements.

My 43rd year had been a year that I have dealt with being my most unhealthy self. I have made small steps to try rectifying it but not consistently so. In addition, 43 was a year of added stress: Roger entering public school, my mother’s surgery, a short stint of returning to grad school, the passing of Snuffles, other family issues, etc. Don’t get me wrong, there have been positives (mainly on the Roger front in regards to progress/growth). However, I do not think I have allowed myself time for grief and that is why a low mood has persisted. Is it too late to grieve? How can one force oneself to grieve appropriately? Does one just move past it and say hello to the new day/the new year and push through? So many thoughts as I enter year 44…

Building a routine

It may not be the ideal time to build a routine, being that schools lets out in a few weeks and that may throw a wrench in my routine. I went to Monday’s yoga class and it was a great class. It was mainly a stretching class which helped my back immensely. Wednesday’s class is more advanced, but I plan on doing as much as I can. There is always child’s pose when it gets too tough for me. That begins my routine: Monday and Wednesday will be yoga days. Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, I will use my FitDesk. Saturday will be my rest day and Sundays I may check out the Yin & Sit yoga class. This Sunday is Mother’s Day and I signed up for Yoga Nidra which, according to the website, is the practice of conscious yogic sleep, a meditative and restorative experience that allows you to transcend physical and mental barriers so that you may place intentions – or sankalpa – at the innermost level of your being. The yogic sleep part sounds good to me!

I’ve also been sticking to the one cup of coffee per day til the first day of my LEAP lifestyle change. This is going to be my hardest habit to break. I’ve realized how much coffee has suppressed my appetite in the morning. I’m hungry at 9 instead of 11 or 12, which I am not used to. Also, my depleted energy no longer gets a caffeine boost. Hopefully, a few weeks into the dietary changes, I will have energy once again. Although knowing it will be a bit overwhelming, I am very much looking forward to the change. I will need to write a food log, as well as note any bodily reaction to the foods I am allowed. I am used to logging on a notepad, but considering putting them on my blog. I was reading another blog that has been following a person on a LEAP diet and she said she does not have the ability to log daily, so I will be aware of that challenge.

In the meantime, I’ve typed up my next three work schedules which lead up to summer but will need to figure out past that. I should also start planning meals for the time leading up to summer. Hmmm…maybe tomorrow.

Busy, busy week

Besides my job, this week has been a busy and exhausting week. As a recap, I went to yoga for the first time in a bajillion years on Monday. It was so hard — I am so out of shape. I also had to deal with insurance (re: my son’s ABA therapy), gather garbage, do some wash, change the kitty litter, and wait for the roof to get replaced. It was just stressful trying to do a lot in a little time. Boy, was I in a pissy mood. Tuesday, I felt utterly crappy and I had my allergist appointment that led to 4 new medications that have not aided in making me feel better but just cruddier. Wednesday was my son’s ARD for 1st grade. Already nervous about what services could potentially be cut, I was still feeling utterly horrible physically. Thankfully, not much was cut. We were, overall, in agreement. The shortness of the ARD (the last one took 2 days) gave me time to rest, which I NEVER get to do. Thursday, a friend drove me to our sons’ first Field Trip in kindergarten. They went to the Fort Worth Museum of Science and Nature. Can I tell you how exhausting a field trip can be? My mother noted it may exhaust me more since I am older than a lot of the moms — thanks! Today, I got to have a nice “normal” workday at home. Unfortunately, the roof work started today, which means I got to hear hammering since 8:30 this morning.

I did make a few decisions today despite the noisiness. I decided to end my chiropractic care. I went through the suggested 15 session schedule and have seen no improvement. I am definitely going to have to take a different course of action when it comes to my back. The only time chiropractic care helped was in NYC when I went to an integrative practice. They would not even adjust me for the first few weeks — just do stem and hot/cold therapy. After adding adjustments, physical therapy was slowly started. Finally, 30 minute back massages were added. It worked like a charm and was a fantastic approach. I may try to find a similar practice here.

My other decision was to stop taking 3 of the 4 medications the allergist prescribed. I’ve decided to finish the course of antibiotics but stop the rest. Nothing has changed in my overall being and definitely not the areas they were targeting — cough, labored breathing. I emailed the office and they said to follow-up Monday if there was no change with being on the antibiotic.

Next week, I am hoping to conquer yoga 2 days. I know, crazy. I will definitely go Monday and let you know if I survive.

Blargh

My days have been blargh to horrible. This is due entirely to my damn allergies. I go to bed feeling meh, wake up in the middle of the night to an allergy attack, wake in the morning to my nose still running, and the day continues that way. Last night, I finally took a Benadryl thinking that would end the post-midnight allergy attack. NOPE. I felt the same as each previous night.

I was not going to let that interfere with my day, however. After I walked Roger to school with the doggies, I started work while riding the bike on my FitDesk. I could only do 15 minutes before feeling completely ill. My breathing has been compromised, my tummy feels totally terrible, my head hurts, and my back aches so badly. Poor me. I hate to complain so much because I know it could always be worse. (Case in point, yesterday, I looked up the boy in the bubble because I want to hermetically seal myself off from the world, but then felt terrible about making the comparison).

So today, as everyday, I am doing the most I can — working, doing a few household chores, and counting the hours til bedtime!

Not maintaining under maintenance

Today, I had two doctor’s appointments: the nutritionist followed by the chiropractor. I will start with the easier of the two — the chiropractor. When I began going to this practitioner, he set up a 15-visit schedule that would culminate with a maintenance schedule. Today would begin the talk of maintenance. However, Monday my back was in really bad shape. I hurt going through my normal daily routine. Today my back was still quite stiff. Clearly, I do not want to “maintain” this level!

The nutritionist appointment was very thorough and a lot to wrap my head around. We talked about my LEAP results, my current medication, and my feelings about the process. Due to weaning off of gabapentin, she thinks I should start once that is clear from my system. My last day of taking gabapentin will be next Wednesday night. I have a field trip to attend with my son on Thursday, so I will delve into it next Friday or the following Monday (at the latest). This also gives me time to wean off of coffee/caffeine. That shall be the most difficult part: reactive to caffeine, coffee and tea.

During the appointment, we discussed allergy shots. Her son has been on shots about a year longer than I. We are both on a maintenance schedule. I have been having almost nightly (very early morning) allergy attacks and I, overall, feel flu-like. I am considering discontinuing the shots. They have to add epinephrine to each shot so my reaction isn’t as extreme as it was in the past. I still swell and itch, though. I guess a visit to my allergy doctor to discuss should be in my near future.

Am I doomed not to maintain under maintenance?

The results are in.

My LEAP blood results as well as the battery of blood tests my PCP/Internist gave me are in. I will start with my regular bloodwork. Basically, there were two areas that I have high scores in (YAY!). One was EOS which I googled and found means the following: Eosinophilia (e-o-sin-o-FILL-e-uh) is a higher than normal level of eosinophils. Eosinophils are a type of disease-fighting white blood cell. This condition most often indicates a parasitic infection, an allergic reaction or cancer. I will gather that it has to do with my allergic reactions to life, in general. The nurse did not discuss, but I gather my marks weren’t high enough to investigate further. The second is my testosterone level from hormone replacement therapy. Normal range is 8-48 and my level is 217. Well, that explains a lot — the body acne, the hair, the wonderful, quick-to-anger mood, the constant hunger and weight gain, the overall GROSSNESS. Unfortunately, all I can do is wait for the testosterone to leave my body which can take 3-6 months. I will be doing follow-up bloodwork in 2 months.

The LEAP results are a little more complex and I formally get to discuss with my nutritionist tomorrow. I am reactive to almost all foods and, GASP, caffeine! It shall be a big lifestyle change, but I need it. My allergies will be the death of me, otherwise. I am least reactive to: peach, cranberry, mushroom, spinach, white potato, millet, cocoa, vanilla, mint, carob, pecan, peanut, pinto beans, and potassium nitrate. That should make for an interesting meal plan. I am most reactive to: barley, caffeine, cashew, celery, codfish, corn, cow’s milk, goat’s milk, grape, green pea, msg, paprika, parsley, rice, saccharine, sesame, sodium sulfite, sorbic acid, strawberry, tapioca, tea, tilapia, tomato, walnut, and yellow squash. We have to slowly add members of the above family of food to see if I am reactive to them as well. The test, obviously, does not cover every food in existence. I am most sad about caffeine and tea. I don’t think I can totally drop coffee all together, but definitely need to wean the amount I currently intake.

I am looking forward to tomorrow’s discussion and will keep you posted.

Baby Steps

Such big plans I had with my “45 for 45”. I do still plan to work on health improvement but taking a slightly different approach. The past month I have been reassessing my health and allergies. I am allergic to most everything environmental (barring some strains of mold, horse dander, and roaches). If I am allergic to trees, grass, etc., I must have food sensitivity. I have met twice with a nutritionist. The first time was to set simple goals for stress relief, adding vegetables/fiber to current diet, replacing afternoon coffee with tea, and taking Epsom salt baths. The second meeting was to discuss my horrific allergies. I take two types of allergy medicine and have been on 3 maintenance allergy shots for about 2 years now. They are not making a dent. I figure I must be adding to my misery by eating certain foods. Although reading pro and con articles on the subject, I decided to have LEAP bloodwork. My allergist’s office also gives the test, which is not covered by insurance, for double the cost and ONE follow-up appointment. The nutritionist says it takes much more than one follow-up since, in addition to the bloodwork, we will be testing other foods by adding them slowly back into my diet. I hope to have my results back by the beginning of May. I can just picture EVERYTHING in the red category (meaning highly reactive).

Yesterday, I made an appointment with my primary care physician/internist to discuss my medication list and the side effects I am having. In other words, I made the appointment because I feel gross. I am on hormones due to my oophorectomy/hysterectomy. The testosterone has given me terrible body acne and body hair growth. Neither of which I have ever had to deal with in my 43 years. I am also very inpatient and quick to anger. Well, those I have had to deal with in my 43 years. My other medications all tend to have the side effect of fatigue and insomnia. I get roughly 4-5 hours of sleep per night and am dragging all day. That does not give me much motivation, focus, or acuity. We have decided to reduce my supplements to only a handful (Multi-vitamin, Calcium, D3, B12 shots, and probiotic), replace Zyrtec with Xyzal, and taper off Gabapentin. I may also decide to taper off Singulair, Fluoxetine and Simvastatin.

Lastly, I bought a FitDesk for downstairs. With the new puppies, I can no longer ride the bike upstairs without doggies under my feet. In the living room, they will stay on the couch while I ride and work. I received the bike on Tuesday, built it with the help of my husband Tuesday night, and have ridden it Wednesday, Thursday and Friday for 45-50 minutes each day. I have hopes to, eventually, add other exercise to my routine, but baby steps!

Recap of Day 1 (of my 45 for 45)

In theory, I started the eating a bit healthier and exercise at the beginning of the year. I weighed myself today and am down a whopping 3.5 pounds in a little over 4 weeks. So, I am losing the weight at a snail’s pace. I know this has a lot to do with my meds, hysterectomy, being over 40, sleeping with my son which leads to roughly 3.5 -5.5 hours of sleep per night, etc. However, I am hoping I will be more likely to keep it off if it is coming off slower than in the past.

I did incorporate cleaning and reading into yesterday’s schedule. It was not straight cleaning but more organization. I moved our guest bed back into my son’s room in order to sleep in the same room but in different beds. Unfortunately, he cried hysterically at the thought of sleeping in his bed alone, so I went into his bed until he fell asleep. Then, sometime in the middle of the night, he woke up and I got back into bed with him. I feel my way to wellness will not be fulfilled until I can sleep normally again.

Well, today is Day 2, and you may get an update tomorrow of today. Or you may not. Not adding more commitment to my life! I’m too tired.

First day of kindergarten

Many sleepless nights and many years of therapy have led to today…

There are so many racing thoughts that it’s hard for me to put them into words. I am so proud of my kiddo for all of his hard work. Today, we walked to school and he was full of happiness. He did confess yesterday that he was a little bit scared. It is such a big change.

I felt overwhelmed and in sensory overload entering the packed elementary school. I cannot even imagine how he may have felt. I was relieved when his friend from pre-K arrived in the classroom. From the videos posted throughout the day, it seems like the two of them have been attached at the hip.

I hope sleep comes easier tonight and that all is good in public kinder.

Bumpy.

Thankfully, today I do not feel as FLAT as yesterday. There are some bumps today. This is odd because last night was my worst night’s sleep in weeks.

Do I function better with terrible sleep? Is that my normal? I was able to straighten up parts of the house and do some loads of laundry. I was even able to paint my nails. How much I’ve accomplished!

I am glad to have some of my glimmer back. It’s been long overdue.

Flat.

My mood is flat. My temperament is flat. I am not my usual bubbly self. Okay, so I may not normally be bubbly but compared to my current disposition…

My therapist said she has never seen me so “meh”. She thinks that although fluoxetine was enough in the past, that post-hysterectomy me may need an additional medication. She fears my blah may turn into full-out depression. She suggests adding Wellbutrin/Buproprin. I agree with her.

I left a voicemail with my physician.

End of post. Flat.

Today

Today life seems overwhelming.

I do not, necessarily, have a long to-do list for today, per se. It is my life’s to-do list which is overwhelming me.

Why do I start obsessing over tomorrow or next week or next month or next year?

Perhaps the steroids I am taking for my rash are not helping. My heart is racing a bit and I am sure they have something to do with that. Only three more days and, hopefully, they will start weaning from my body.

Short blog = too many thoughts (and not one to truly focus on).

Start and stop and start and…so on

Over the past few days, I have been trying to write a new blog post but unable to do so. The thoughts get a bit jumbled. It all sounds flat. Today I hope to get at least a coherent thought out “on paper”.

As has been a topic of several old posts, my medications have had to change once again. Sunday, I awoke with a full-body rash. To put it lightly, it was a little disarming. I called my psychiatrist (voicemail) and my physician (voicemail number 2). As I was panicking and feeling itchier by the minute, I missed my doctor’s return call. She told me to stop my lamotrigine and talk to my psychiatrist on Monday, take Benadryl, and go to urgent care for steroid shots if the rash was bad. Due to the vastness of the rash, I decided to head to urgent care.

Once seen by the doctor, I was immediately diagnosed with a drug rash. However, they could not be certain if the rash was caused by the lamotrigine (which has a severe warning for rashes) or the sulfa- antibiotic I was taking (also known for rashes). Since I started both at similar times, they told me to end both, gave me a new antibiotic to start and told me, once again, to talk to both of my doctors the following morning. I also got the parting gift of two steroid shots (one that would act immediately and one that was long acting).

In addition to stopping the lamotrigine, I decided to stop taking the Abilify I was weaning off of when increasing the lamotrigine. That leaves me taking 20 mg of fluoxetine daily. While living in California, I was only taking the fluoxetine, exercising, eating healthy, and was in great spirits.

The move to Texas, the full-hysterectomy, and the stressors of life affected me greatly. My therapist and I do not believe I require the strong prescriptions the psychiatrist has been suggesting and supports my decision to only take fluoxetine for the time being (while adding exercise and healthy habits). I have had severe weight gain from all these psychiatric meds as well, which does not help one who suffers from depression.

I am ready to shed most of the meds with the help of my therapist, doctor, and support system. I am also ready to shed some of this weight!

Focus back on me

It’s been about a week since my last post and it’s hard to blog after the hiatus.

To begin with, we went to Oklahoma City for the weekend. Due to the incredibly high temps, we mainly visited museums: The Toy/Action Figure Museum, the Banjo Museum, the Osteology Museum, and the Oklahoma City National Monument and Museum. I feel like a cloud of sadness has surrounded me since visiting. There are too many emotions to put into words, so I will let that be.

On a lighter note, I returned with a bad thumb infection. The infection and mega-antibiotics made me quite sick for a few days’ time. Nothing seemed to matter except rest and getting Roger taken care of. I even took time off of work, which is a rarity. Yesterday, the doctor had to take “thumb matters” into her own hands (punster). She got the infection out of my thumb and I am feeling much better today. Yesterday, nausea followed the infection extraction.

Today, I have been trying to clear the clutter of work and my neglected house. Clutter makes me unfocused and unhappy. Perhaps today’s organization will shrink that cloud of sadness.

Focus off me

I’ve been focusing these posts so much on me that I have neglected to write about the person that led me to blog to begin with, my son. It is nearing his sixth birthday and I feel like changes in him are occurring daily.

It’s amazing how far he has advanced in the past month. He will have (somewhat) reciprocal conversations, tell you his feelings and ask about yours, answer questions directed to him or even not directed to him (ie, the TV), and he now sleeps in his bedroom alone!!! We are still in the prize stage of sleeping alone (which can be equated to prize stage for potty training). I did tell him that the prizes will start to occur less frequently. However, it seems the biggest prize for him is 1) waking me up once his clock tells him it is OK to and 2) having just the 2 of us watch TV up in his room in the morning.

The speed at which the switch over to “independent” sleeping mimics his switch from pull-ups to potty training. It took YEARS to occur but the final push was quick. Geez, that mimics my labor too.

Now, our big issue is to find other things to work on in ABA. Poor us! (sarcasm)

Optimism trickling in

Things are falling into place and optimism is trickling in. Although by nighttime, my optimism tends to fly out the window.

Today, I had a therapy appointment with an amazing therapist and a fantastic individual. I discussed my involvement on the SEPTSA board (Special Education PTSA), my plans to volunteer at Roger’s elementary school, my work projects, and my plans to delay, or not even seek, my graduate degree. However, my therapist believes I can do all of the above. I may have to lower my expectations (choose to get B’s in school so I can still focus on my family and interests). Even though, wholeheartedly accepting a B seems quite a stretch for me, I do think I am going to exercise the thinking that I will try my best but do not want to neglect all other areas of life.

Though I had a troubled night sleep due to the above worries and the possibility that the decaf I ordered yesterday was actually caffeinated coffee, I am feeling refreshed, renewed, and optimistic.

I felt overwhelmed this morning but feel READY this afternoon!