asd – Page 2 – Spinning Wheels

Sleep-deprived Sunday

Let me catch you up: Thursday and Friday nights I had terrible allergy attacks at night and, therefore, slept terribly. Yesterday, we still ventured to the St. Paddy’s Day festival in Lewisville but I was in a foul mood. Some of Roger’s behaviors that I may have overlooked on more rested days, I got quite upset about yesterday. So, last night I decided to take Zyrtec-D since it is always a go-to when my sinuses get really bad. However, it’s been a few months and I forgot that horrible side effect it has on me.

I fell asleep around 11 and woke up wide awake at 12:25. I tried for over 3 hours to fall back asleep, even taking melatonin. My last attempt at sleep was counting backwards from 1,000 (which is in a sleep meditation I sometimes listen to). When I could easily count backwards and not get tired, actually be more awake, I realized it was time to get up.

I got up and started working at 3:45 am. I usually only have an hour – 90 minutes of work to do on Sundays. I was worried Roger would wake up and not fall back asleep, but I could not be a prisoner to the bed anymore. Of course, Roger woke a few minutes past 4 calling for me. I told him to either lay in bed and I’d put on the light or lay on the couch outside of the office. He chose the latter but never fell back asleep.

We came downstairs after I was done with work at 5 am. I cleaned up the kitchen some, got the animals’ water dishes refilled, filled up the dishwasher, and sat with Roger while I drank two cups of coffee. Then I started a wash and decided to start riding my bike and blog.

We still plan on going to the Fort Worth Zoo today. I actually think my exhaustion will hit later today or, most likely, in time for work on Monday morning!

Tuesday, Tuesday

Well, today started out very stressful. I had a half dozen phone calls with my boss prior to 9:30 am. I was in a constant stream of work until noon. I got up at 10 to the hour each hour when my Fitbit told me I took zero of my 250 steps each hour. After my lunch break, things settled down to a more manageable pace until the end of the work day. Today, Rob picked Roger up from camp and I got to take a long, extremely hot shower. I love showers that my skin is pink/red for a good 20 minutes afterwards.

Today we met a reading comprehension tutor at the Lewisville Library. It is hard to discuss the needs of tutoring when your son is at grade level. However, as many kids in his class started the year at lower levels than him, they have progressed to his level 6 months later. Roger is still at the same level he started the school year at. He is a great reader but I think his downfall may not be comprehension but attention. His long-term sub thinks it is lack of interest v. comprehension. How can you teach a kid to be interested, pay attention and focus on books that have zero interest to him? The only books he is interested in are biographies.

Of course, he aced the tutoring session and she said she would reach out to interventionists in elementary school for suggestions. She is a dyslexic interventionist in middle school. She gave me pointers but I told her that he will do these things for me. He is a people-pleaser for everyone except me and my husband. At home he fights about doing any homework. I could never homeschool. This child would be determined not to learn anything from me.

After his session, we went to the biography section of the children’s library and Roger chose books on Michael Jackson, Bruno Mars, Prince, Louis Armstrong, John Cena, The Rock, and Chuck Close. The Chuck Close book was one I showed him — truly an amazing artist and a fantastic children’s book. We also got Roger his own library card and he checked out his own books. He was thrilled.

Afterwards we had a nice dinner at Red Robin. That restaurant is never my choice but I know Roger really loves it and he’s been such an awesome boy lately. I had a nice libation there and two godiva chocolates at home. That made my mood better. However, I do not want alcohol or food to be my stress reliever…Although relaxed, I decided to jump on the stationary bike and blog while riding. Not as yummy, but enjoyable too!

Big Ball of Stress

Achieving balance is what most people are striving for – or at least I am. However, at this time in my life, I view everything as stressful. Work is stressful, cleaning is stressful, trying to find time to exercise is stressful, eating healthy is stressful, getting Roger ready for school/camp/bed/classes/therapy is stressful, playing with Roger is stressful, trying to fall asleep at night is stressful. BUT doing nothing is the most stressful of all for I think of everything I should be doing.

I think I have forgotten how to relax. What is the first step? How do you train yourself to relax? It really pisses me off when I see others relaxing while I am stressing out.

I also think I have forgotten how to have fun. It takes a lot to make me smile or genuinely enjoy myself. It wasn’t until The Dead Milkmen were actually onstage playing that I enjoyed that night.

I genuinely feel bad for my son and my husband. I want to have fun. I want to let go. Will a brain swap work?

Any tips or advice appreciated (just comment).

Sunday – Tax Day

I designated Sunday as the day I would sit down and do our taxes. What a wonderful way to spend a Sunday, eh? What could possibly go wrong or turn your mood sour?

This was the first year of doing taxes that I had to figure out how to account for Rob’s second career, self-employment. I had quite a learning curve. I must’ve done terrible miscalculations at the beginning of the day because the amount we owed was obscene. I decided to put it aside and clean.

EVERYTHING that was out of place pissed me off ten-fold. Clearly the tax situation tainted my mood. The cat peed on my son’s bed, again. I broke one of my favorite mugs. We had a flat tire. NOT A GOOD DAY!

By the time Rob came home with Roger, I was a bit more relaxed. We “played” a fact card game, did Roger’s exercises for OT, practiced his singing for School of Rock, did FastMath, dinner, and I attempted taxes again. This time I found some errors and our owed money was more palatable.

In contrast, I am really enjoying this quiet Monday at work!

Busy, busy day

So, as life would have it, I slept terribly last night. I knew today was jam-packed and I am sure that this is what affected my sleep. I kept telling myself I needed a good night’s rest to make it through today but I ended up restless.

Beside the daily grind of getting Roger ready for school and walking him to school, working at my job, and picking him up for school, the following is scheduled:

Pain doctor appointment – my lower back stinks today from not getting rest last night (BOO)
After work, a dental cleaning – I had to reschedule since I had bad allergy attacks the day of my last scheduled cleaning
Open house at Roger’s school (as well as In-N-Out Burger dinner there)
The Dead Milkmen concert in Dallas – now this should be so much fun. The last time I saw them I was in high school. I believe it was 29 years ago (GULP) but it will be a late, late night for me.

Barring the doctor’s appointments, it should be a fun day. Roger is excited for Open House and Rob is excited for the Dead Milkmen. I am excited for sleep tonight!

Unintentional Hiatus

I have a few minutes and due to today’s “dusting accident” I cannot lounge in my comfy chair. Stuck upright, I decided to blog. I cannot believe the last day I blogged was February 9th – 18 days ago.

There have been quite a few changes since that time. Let me pause and see what was happening on the 9th and I will see what I was doing then and comment on the changes.

Well, that wasn’t the most exciting of blog posts…not sure this will be either! Well, my husband gave notice at his job and has been working from home as an independent artist since February 19th. We are into the second week and things are going considerably better than I thought. Work has been considerably busier than usual due to a huge yearly project. It is nice having that workload, actually. It makes the day move faster and I think it made the transition easier having my husband home with me.

Mental health wise: I had my second appointment with the therapist and was not as thrilled as I was the first meeting. There is no stress management plan in the works. I think I need to “stress” that at our next appointment on March 6th. (ba-dum-ch)

Physical health wise: The past few weeks my elbow has been killing me (where I had ulnar nerve surgery). Last week I had an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon. She believes the pain is stemming from my cervical issues. She used a water hose in describing the “Double crush syndrome” with the ulnar nerve and my cervical issues. Two people are stepping on a water hose, when one person steps off, the water may flow, but it still needs to get around the second blockage. My neck and elbow were both crushing the nerve. One blockage has been taken care of but my discs may be pressing on my nerve as well. I have an appointment scheduled for Thursday to discuss, yet another, cervical epidural with the pain doctor. I guess while I am there I will discuss my dusting incident. I was enjoying dusting upstairs, twisted wrong (I guess) and sharp pain in my lower left back down my left leg. Tried meds, icing, hot bath, and it still hurts. Guess it was a good thing Rob works from home and could pick Roger up!

Roger wise: Roger was accepted into the STEM Academy at Donald Elementary for 2nd grade. We applied because it sounded awesome, but we knew the odds were low — about 450 families applied for 80/90 seats (20-25 students for each grade K-3). The decision to go would be made on the off-chance Roger got selected. I reached out to Roger’s past BCBA, his special education teacher, his long-term substitute teacher, and his principal asking their advice. Basically, they all agreed that Roger was a “hands-on” learner and would excel in an learning environment that was 50% hands-on. We always have the option to return to his neighborhood school. Roger will be going!

Here’s hoping I will be writing more and in less pain!

Happy Friday!

Today has been a good day. That is, mainly, thanks to a great first session with a new therapist in Denton. I knew checking her FB and seeing her being a fan of Dawkin’s “The God Delusion” was a good indicator.

One of the issues with therapy is usually when you find you have nothing to talk about. Today, we gabbed and I could’ve talked more. One of our topics of discussion was the prevalence of religion and high-maintenance individuals in the surrounding areas. She understood why, once going to the neighborhood school, my stress-level and anxiety went up. She said she was told to try a Brownie troop for her daughter and it had many girls in my neighborhood (this was about 5 years ago). She said the girls and the parents were very entitled and, downright, rude to her and her daughter, especially since they were not religious. This makes me want to rebel in the opposite direction and show my opposition to the hypocrisy of most religious zealots. However, that is not my main focus, but it could be a fun side-project.

I am looking forward to my next visit in 10 days. I woke up excited to try a new therapist and left looking forward to going back. One cannot ask for more!

Freezing

Today is not the coldest day we have had this winter. However, for some reason, I cannot get the chill out of my bones. I have to take Roger to a swimming lesson later and all I dream of is taking a hot bath and going under the covers! I am done accomplishing anything today, except for body heat generation.

I had a nice teacher meeting with the long-term substitute (who is a retired teacher). She told me how fantastic Roger is, how intelligent, and thoughtful he is. It was great to hear. She has no concerns about him. Who knew he would be so well-adjusted when we started this autism journey? Sure, we still have our daily shoe torture, but the pluses outweigh the minuses by far! I am so proud of him. At 7, he has worked harder than most adults I know. He has his school therapies, his private therapies, and his other lessons. He is definitely not a quitter and full of love. I think we have produced a far better person than either Rob or I am singularly — that is the goal of reproduction, eh?

Funny, spending those few minutes reflecting on Roger helped me deflect my fixating on how cold I am. I no longer feel so cold. I am sure I will have a different mindset once I return from my walk to pick Roger up from school and back!

Last week and new beginnings this week

Last week was a really tough week. My mood was incredibly low, as was my patience. There were many stressors in regards to deliveries, appointments, and feedback (or lack thereof) in regards to Roger’s academic progress. My week was filled with many thoughts all over the place and total lack of focus.

Today I have decided to try and get back into the swing of things. This is a theme of my life: out-of-whack week followed by an in-focus week (or attempt to that). So, today I have focused on work, exercise, my weekly schedule (and Roger’s), and some laundry and garbage chores.

Today, I had a podiatrist appointment (I need orthotics due to some feet issues). He politely stressed that I need to be healthier. I couldn’t agree more. I am hoping my motivation can remain. It comes and goes so quickly!

I have a new therapist appointment on Friday of this week. She is a “psychotherapist”. I am not sure how different that is from the counseling I have received in the past. I hope this time I “click” with the therapist. I always do some on-line research when I make appointments. On FB, I saw that she “liked” the God Delusion, so that is a positive to me!

Friday, YAY!

Today was another good day. I was able to pace myself at work and to do some clean-up around the house. I was even able to get an errand done, a nice cup of coffee, and get a little break while icing my back and writing my blog. I have about 30 more minutes of free time to enjoy prior to mommy mode.

Roger is really excited for this evening’s plan. We are going to see 3 School of Rock bands perform in Lewisville: the first is Abbey Road (obviously Beatles’ songs) starting at 5 pm, followed by One Hit Wonders, and, lastly, Punk. There is another band after but figured we would stay until 9. It should be really fun and get Roger excited for his vocal lessons that begin in February!

What a pain in the back!

This morning I had scheduled Yin and Sit Yoga and Meditation, some “me” time.

After waking up to Roger on the iPad continuously this morning, I decided to finish my weekend work while riding the stationary bike. I was done by 9. I then did homework with Roger and followed it with some fun karaoke. Then the time arrived: time for me, time for yoga.

I was in tears from the beginning movements to the final savasana. I was in total pain from my neck to my tailbone to my right leg. This is where Roger, my son with autism, rammed his head into my spine after not getting his way. This was on January 2nd and I don’t even remember what it was regarding. All I remember was it was post-massage as I plopped onto the bed on my belly and was peacefully lying there. I let out the loudest cry. It immediately hurt so terribly. I don’t think I ever produced a scream like that even when I broke my knee or ankle.

It has been three weeks and the pain has not gotten better. I have tried Tylenol and anti-inflammatories while using the heating pad but this has not helped in the least bit. I kept wondering where all my depression and lack of motivation came from at the beginning of this year. Today was my reminder. I am so glad that the majority of the class is done with your eyes closed, so others did not see the tears stream down my face.

When class was over, and that could not come quickly enough — that damn 75 minutes, I rushed to my car for a proper cry. Then the thoughts raced: have to make an appointment this week. With who? My primary doctor? My back doctor who I am not really fond of — seems too surgery happy? My pain doctor? Next thoughts: I really am going to have to cancel being teacher’s helper this week, my back cannot handle the copier. Followed by thoughts of that yoga retreat that accepted me on “scholarship” but is less than 2 weeks away. How can I possibly do a yoga retreat right now? I do not foresee my pain level being that lessened in that short period of a time – especially since specialized doctors usually do not have readily available appointments.

I told Rob to occupy Roger for a bit. I am in such a terrible mood right now. I have 2 loads of laundry and cannot even muster the strength to empty the dryer to put the other load in. And the state of the house is in total disarray due to Roger’s “box fort” building. I may hide myself away in the bedroom for the time being until I can cope better with it all.

Super Duper Down

It seems that for quite sometime now I have been waking up with my first thought being, “I cannot wait until bed tonight”. Each activity I do seems to lack any enjoyment. The focus of each is only completion: countdown til my work day is over and I pick up Roger, countdown between pick up and the class/therapy of the day, countdown to dinner and son’s bedtime routine, countdown til I go to bed. The next morning I begin the same countdown that ends roughly 14 hours later. How depressing is that? I can easily answer that: VERY.

Countdown to the end of this blog post: goodnight.

Retreat Possibility?

Yesterday’s new therapist/psychologist/BCBA appointment for Roger went better than expected. Well, at least, Roger’s reaction was positive to having to go to a new doctor that you talk to and play at and are talked about in front of. Now that he is getting older it is getting odder for me to answer questions about him in front of him. I am not sure if I am fond of the doctor yet. She took lots of notes and said she had an Independence curriculum that we could start working on with Roger, since he is SO DEPENDENT on us (mainly me) for EVERYTHING. I made 3 follow-up appointments and will, hopefully, get a sense of if it is a good fit by then.

That brings me to an exciting Facebook message I received today from a friend and fellow autism mom. She told me about these Women’s Retreats in east Texas. They have a Retreat Assistance Program to help pay for the weekend retreat. The idea of having a weekend alone in quiet sounds amazing to me. That has been my “dream vacation” for a long time! On the same hand, the idea of going away to an unknown place with completely unknown people and an unknown routine is completely terrifying to me. I like the known. I like routine. I like the safety of predictability.

That being said, I applied and, depending on the outcome, I may face all those fears of mine so I can relax, recharge, rejuvenate. In the meantime, I really do have to do more self-care at home. Yes, a nice clean house is awesome, but so is a restful break. I made a weekly cleaning schedule. Perhaps I need to add-in a stretching, moisturizing, “do for myself” schedule.

Mid-January

Who can believe that January is already half over? The weekend was better than I anticipated. I guess entering it with anxiety and pessimism led to better things!

Saturday, we ventured to Ripley’s that included a terrible wax museum, a lame laser race, a cute mirror maze and a pretty good “7D” movie. The wax museum was quite funny but a tad horrific as well. Some figures did not resemble the celebrities at all. There was a whole area dedicated to the “Pilgrimage of Christ”. It was quite scary!

Sunday was pretty laid back. While Roger and Rob went to see Paddington, I cleaned the house. That was followed by a play date for Roger and a dinner date for Rob and I. That was some much needed time alone!

Yesterday, I had the day with Roger. We completed his homework in the morning, made some Roblox videos on his phone, went to Barnes and Nobles and Target, took him to his swimming class, had a play date at our house, took him to occupational therapy, and ate at Chick-fil-A. It was a very full and pretty easy day.

Today is the beginning of my work week and I was able to ride my bike for the beginning of my day. This afternoon I take Roger to a new psychologist. Unfortunately, with our insurance change, there are not that many options. I have not told Roger, and am a bit nervous to do so, so I am not looking forward to picking him up. I do not have high hopes, so perhaps all will go well…

Ohm

Today I feel pretty accomplished in the work, home and personal realm. That being said, I still have half the day to feel overwhelmed and crushed. However, I am going to try to keep a positive attitude on this gloomy, overcast day. Although I guess that previous statement does not sound too positive!

This morning, on my walk home from Roger’s school, I had those same contemplative, philosophical thoughts I had mentioned the other day. Then the major thought hit: am I having a mid-life crisis? That can’t be. I had my mid-life crisis when I bought white roller skates with pink wheels a couple of years ago! Hmmm, what could be going on where I am contemplating my life’s priorities?

The last series of Meditation I had just completed was themed Prioritization. Clearly, the meditation is sinking into my daily life. That is the point. Maybe I should listen to the Happiness pack next and wait for that to become part of my daily life.

Where’s My Groove?

Yesterday was amazing! No, the day was not perfect, but it was our first day to be back to a normal work/school day routine. I slept pretty well Sunday night. I rode my stationary bike and worked for 30 plus minutes. I had peace and quiet for 7 hours. Lovely.

Today I was hoping to feel the same way and to accomplish more. I slept pretty terrible with Roger coming into the bed at an early hour. I had this “Himalayan salt” night light that I think kept me in a light sleep. I guess I do need total darkness. Needlesstosay, today I am feeling groggy. I also chose to have my allergy shots today (even with my cough). My airflow was registered much lower than usual, but I was still able to get the shots. That means I had to take an antihistamine this morning. That, coupled with the contents of the shot, is adding to my tiredness.

When do I get to feel great and get back into the swing of things for 2018? It feels like an unfunny gag. You had a day of feeling good, now you get 5 weeks of feeling crappy. I know lots of people have been perpetually sick, especially with the huge changes in temperature here in DFW ranging from 20’s to 70’s the past couple months.

Come on, health, I have too much I want to accomplish and enjoy to still feel under the weather!

The Seventh of January

The first week of January has been a moody week for me. In my head, I tried to keep positive with all the drama surrounding me. I tried to keep patient with the cries of a sensory kiddo. I tried to stay on task with my mind constantly distracted.

Last night, as we watched another uplifting show on Netflix, The End of the F***ing World, I was saddened and, clearly, philosophical. With the attainment of all our possessions, what is the point? What purpose do they serve? Why was I so excited to have our first real bedroom set? Why did I value my Roomba (that I almost broke and quietly lectured myself about) so much more than my peace of mind?

Well, today, with last night’s lack of sleep, I am again impatient, moody, and exhausted. We have an “all day” window for furniture delivery. I completed my weekend work for my “real” job and have a litany of chores around the house to occupy my time til the arrival. However, after finishing my work, I meditated via Headspace and am now blogging for a moment or two. Am I procrastinating cleaning the toilets or do I just need some rest? It is hard to decipher. I will sit here in quiet until the mood (or, perhaps, the guilt) drives me to do something else.

January 3rd, what a turd.

Quite a poetic title, eh? Yesterday’s family drama and my son’s sensory issues continued today.

Last night, I had a phone call while I was in bed for sleep. I decided not to answer it. The day exhausted me and I just wanted sleep. This morning I see complaints of this person on social media that no one helps and the blaming of others. I corrected them on both accounts. The person is an adult with a child and acting like a pre-teen with middle school hormones. In the past, I have been very gentle with them, always giving a listening ear. We had given money in the past and the same bad decisions were made repeatedly. This time it was too much. My parents had given so much and yet complaints of “no family” and “no help” lingered all over Facebook. I contacted this person via Messenger and was, for the first time, very direct and blunt. I guess it was not what was desired and I was blocked from conversing after I got a juvenile response. I texted my response and, again, was given the “no family” and “everyone can go to hell” line.

I felt at peace for finally voicing my true opinion. However, I heard from my parents of another horrendous decision made and I have been obsessing over it all day. I keep telling myself not to harp on about it, but then my thoughts go back.

In my conversation with my mother, I finally unloaded all the current issues we have been having with our son and his sensory processing disorder. The continual battles about shoes, about shirts that do not fit correctly, about one drop of water on his shirt causing a meltdown. I usually keep this all inside or, lately, have been blogging about it. She had no idea things were getting so tough with Roger again.

The one thing I was taught since Roger started early intervention at 18 months was that autism is cyclical. There are ups and downs, regressions and progress. What I remember from that time was that the downs outlasted the ups. I guess I have been spoiled by all the progress because this regression in behavior is becoming unbearable. It slowly began during the summer and has been advancing since first grade began. He is great at school but not so good at home and at his therapies.

I guess instead of obsessing over someone who is unhelpable, I need to concentrate my efforts and figure out what steps we need to take to break Roger out of his current cycle.

Being a responsible parent is hard.

2018, Take Two

The second day of the year was not nearly as peaceful as I hoped. I did have a lovely, full night’s sleep in our king bed downstairs. However, that tranquility was disturbed by a frantic phone call. It was a family issue (not immediate family affected). I tried not to harp on it and go about my day. Unfortunately, the internet, cable and home phone were all not working, so Rob called Spectrum to resolve the issues. They said we would need a technician to come out and the first availability would be Friday. This is one of the downsides of working from home at a job that does not want you to use Wi-Fi in public places.

Fortunately, while that phone call was still in progress, I had an appointment for a massage and facial. I still had hope for this day yet. Both were lovely but I had an especially talkative masseuse. I like the quiet massage time. Also, he mentioned religion 3 times during the massage while I am on my stomach with my Coop Devil Tattoo on my back. These are the times I regret that tattoo.

When I returned home, we decided to eat out and play video games at Round 1. Here is where the real fun begins….My son has either extreme sensory issues with his feet/shoes and/or OCD. We think it is sensory since it has been there the majority of his life. I tightened his left shoe 3 times and his right shoe 5 times and the right shoe was still not tight enough. My hands could no longer handle the laces. I told him I refused to tie it anymore and I plopped belly first on the bed. In anger, he crammed his head into the right side of my back incredibly hard. Tears filled my eyes and I let out a scream in anguish. It hurt so badly and he intended on hurting me. Not only the pain, but intention kept the tears coming. This was my first big cry of 2018.

It took about an hour or so til we were able to get out the door and salvage the day. Oh, 2018 you are already trying my patience!

Happy 2018!

Yesterday, I was very tired, stressed, and reactive. I was super moody and snapped at my husband and son the majority of the day. I was, definitely, not at my best. However, after many glitches during the day, a switch flipped for me around 5:30 pm. Roger and I spent the pre-NYE party listening to music and singing karaoke. At 7, the first of our guests arrived (of the 3 other families joining us). There was a rocky start with the children, particularly my child. He complained nobody wanted to play with him. It reminded me of those holiday parties we had prior to Roger’s autism diagnosis where he would only be happy if me and him went in a separate room from everyone. The night ended great with two new year’s cheers at 11 pm (for NYC) and midnight.

This morning, although exhausted from a terrible night’s sleep, I woke with a change in attitude for 2018. I have several intentions and goals for 2018. After coffee and some straightening up, I wrote in my new journal/yearly calendar. It is a calendar geared not only towards schedule but goals/aspirations/gratitudes. It helped me focus on self-growth and have “me” time.

After that, Roger and I did several experiments from the Magic School Bus kit he received for Christmas 2016. Rob and I watched “Bring It On” and I took an extremely hot and long shower (sorry conservationists but it was so needed for me). I spent time in the room doing meditation from Headspace and ended up taking a short nap. Roger woke me up showing me some art he created of The Beatles. We also read 2 books he checked out from his school library on Rosa Parks and Ronald Reagan. He only checks out biographies (just as I as an elementary school kid).

Now, post dinner, I am writing in my blog, Richie Rich on Netflix, and Roger exhausted. He’s been a bit cranky due to lack of sleep the last few days. He keeps saying how tired he is but refuses to get ready for bed. Time to deal with this, I guess.

Bring it on!

It seems like last week I was having increased anxiety and panic attacks due to the 6 day pack of steroids the ENT prescribed. My primary care physician told me on Thursday to stop taking them. I googled how long it would remain in my system and, of course, the answers varied. Well, I can tell you, I think yesterday was my final day of having them in my system. I had increased appetite all through yesterday and very poor sleeping. Last night, I had a really good sleep and woke up feeling more “normal”. I am at my normal hunger level. I am glad to start feeling like myself a couple of days before the holiday. I was afraid I’d be inhaling all food in my sight this week and be a grumpy mess.

Tomorrow, I get to have a full-day off alone with Roger. The morning should be very relaxed with some homework mixed in. The early afternoon I have tickets to see Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer at Bass Hall in Ft. Worth. I hope he finds it entertaining and enjoys the theatre. This will be the first real play he has gone to. I am excited to see his reaction and start the holiday season. Yesterday, we visited Santa and he became shy Roger. He was so happy though!

One of the greatest gifts is seeing your child exuberant!

What a week!

There were many times I thought about blogging this past week, especially when things were going well and I was very organized, focused, and accomplished. However, I stayed on task and did not blog. Today I feel overwhelmed, anxious, unfocused, agitated, and depressed.

Saturday night we went to see Ministry but my ear was in so much pain from previous sinus infections that we had to leave early. Monday I started new medicines that included steroids. The good news is my ear is feeling much better. The bad news is that, although it gives me extra energy, it makes me incredibly angry, annoyed, and, overall, pissed off. Each day I have a shorter fuse. Tomorrow is my last day of the five day pack but I do not know how long it will linger in my system. I am very sensitive to steroids but this seems to be the only med that has helped me with this over month long ear issue.

There are so many things coming up and that I have been planning on doing: new rules/check system for Roger’s behaviors, selling our old dining room table, Thanksgiving next week, sorting through our bedroom “crap” so that we can get hardwood floors installed the Monday after Thanksgiving, trying to figure out what Roger wants for the holidays, hoping to sell toys and donate toys that Roger does not play with, getting bags of clothes ready for donation, etc. The thought of all is just too much. I want to just hide under the covers and wake up with everything done for me!

Let me get through this workweek and maybe then I can breathe and get in gear for the holidays!

Rainy Wednesday

Today started out as most weekdays –with the struggle over Roger’s shoes not being tight enough. I know the weather change enhances some sensory issues. This Wednesday it manifested itself over a shirt to wear. The first shirt I chose was sweatshirt material. Roger said it was too soft and to get it off him. He was very upset. The second shirt’s sleeves were a 1/4 inch too long for him, so he completely freaked out for a second time. The third shirt worked but his shoes had to be tied multiple times. The walk to school had light rain. That he did not complain about. The walk home the rain became heavier. C’est la vie!

So today is a cold, rainy day. The perfect day to be under covers in bed. I tried to convince myself that I could skip my exercise for the day, since I did it the previous 3 days. However, this seems to be my cycle. By mid week, I usually start excusing myself from exercise. Since I am volunteering the next two days and have an ENT appointment, I know I may not have time which made today’s workout more crucial for me.

Well, I did it and it’s over and I’m glad I did it and I’m glad it’s over.

Anxiety

This week has been filled with lots of anxiety stemming from Roger. He is anxious about time and being late, which I am certain comes from me. He is also having meltdowns, again, about his shoes not being tight enough. I thought we turned a corner with that, but, alas, it has returned. He also stresses over the contents of his backpack and the messiness of his hair.

When I discussed with his therapist how he’s been talking back a lot and testing boundaries, etc., she said it was a sign of stress. The above symptoms clearly sound like he is under a great deal of stress. If I ask him or his teacher about school, all seems okay. Roger discloses very little about school, but has not wanted to stay home from school. That is my indicator that all is well. His teacher says he is great. There are some fine motor issues but his temperament is fantastic. I think since this is Red Ribbon Week and they have different dress up categories each day, he may deem that as stressful. Anything out of the ordinary. Next week is a “normal” week (barring Halloween, but they cannot wear costumes to school on Halloween), so we will see if his anxiety is lessened.

Roger’s anxiety puts us all on edge. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and do not want to cause an episode if there is a hiccup with the day’s plans. It is very stressful. This is how it was a couple of years back. It is often heralded that autism is cyclical and there will be periods of regression for some behaviors and that seems to be the case. Poor kiddo. A seven year old should not have so much anxiety and stress.

Tuesday

Today was another productive morning: loaded the dishwasher, did another load of laundry, took out the garbage and recycling, got the pups ready for their grooming (which my husband took them to on his way to work), cleaned up a kitty mess from being stuck in the laundry room overnight, got Roger ready for camp and did Headsprout with him before he left.

Again, I was able to ride the FitDesk for a little over an hour while I worked. This morning I was incredibly hot — probably hot flashes — and I decided to take a quick shower afterwards. That helped me immensely. I also switched to wearing a very light summer dress. I feel so much better now.

Routine excites me more than anything out of the ordinary!

Quick update: my back gave it’s notice for the rest of day. It is hurting so bad. Should be fun lugging stuff to the pool….

Week 3 of Summer

The week tends to begin on a great note. Monday goes as scheduled. However, life is unpredictable, so the rest of the week may not go as smoothly. Just as last week, this week I am hopeful. Perhaps, I am even more hopeful due to the fact that Roger LOVED camp last week. Tomorrow, he begins a different camp that he will be going to for two weeks (6 half days) in June and two weeks in July. This camp we can walk to which makes drop off and pick up so easy!

Friday, I turn 44. I had so many high hopes for my wellness by this time in the year. I have not been consistent in exercise or healthy eating. My back issues have also resurfaced, so I have an appointment the end of the month. I am really at a loss about how to make wellness part of my routine. I subscribe to emails for inspiration, use apps inconsistently, and just cannot put the drive back into me. Summer’s chaotic schedule does not help, since my sitter and my son’s therapy/camp time is used exclusively for my work schedule. In between therapies, work, and play dates/swimming, there is virtually no free time until roughly 8 pm at night and I am zonked by then. I don’t want to wait 2.5 months to have a routine. This has all dampened my mood, as well. My anxiety and depression have been surfacing a lot lately this summer. I read that blogging can help with anxiety, so I hope to write more this week.

If you are in the same boat (or have been in the past), let me know what worked for you to snap out of it and into a successful wellness routine.

Too much

The past few weeks have been extremely busy, exhausting, and stressful. The first item I must remember for years to come is the increase of school events in the month of May. It is like a month-long, non-stop field trip. There were so many activities I had to rearrange my work schedule and neglect the house and doggies.

The biggest hiccup for May was my mom’s surgery and lack of care, thereafter. The surgery was done on May 23rd and the care she received in the hospital was very good. However, they released her to a skilled nursing facility two days after surgery. We were hoping she would receive more physical therapy. All she received was neglect. Daily, I would arrive around 9 in the morning to have found the remnants of the neglect from the night before or from earlier that morning. You walk into the facility hearing the unanswered beeps from various rooms and the ignored patients screaming for help. I made so many phone calls to so many different people who work for that facility, as well as the hospital that released her and other care options. We received apologies but each morning I would encounter the same scenario. Sunday, May 28th, we took my mom from the facility to the ER to check up on her since she had fallen numerous times at the skilled nursing center with nobody following up on her well-being. After many, many hours at the ER, she was discharged to go home. The ER doctor described the neglect her own mother faced in a NY facility and how she decided to remove her as well. What a sad scenario for those patients who do not have family able to constantly look out for them!

My mom still has quite a way to go before she is, literally, back on her feet. However, having her back at home versus the center eases all of our minds. I had been trying to visit her daily while Roger had school. School ended on June 1st and, unfortunately, Roger got sick the second day of summer break and I have not been able to spend much time with my mother. He is still recuperating (not contagious) but do not want to have him around my weakened mother, since she could be more susceptible.

Yesterday, my husband took Roger to the movies and I had a few hours alone at home. The last day I had alone at home was May 22nd. For someone who works at home, that is an eternity. Although I mainly did chores around the house, it restored my mental health. I feel like I can now conquer this week – the first full week of summer break.

It’s been a week.

Well, I haven’t posted in a week. The weekend did not go smoothly and it was very tumultuous, unfortunately. However, I will not disclose information of such personal, family matters. I will just state that things are back on track, all is well, and I have an amazing husband and a caring father.

Monday, I remained in bit of a funk. I was completely wiped out emotionally and mentally, so I skipped exercise and just made it through the working day. I had issues with getting onto the Remote Desktop at work on Saturday, so I had an additional workload for Monday night. The problem ensued Monday night and I had to use my iPhone as a hotspot to finish my procedures. Prior to that, it was a couple of hours trying to connect and contacting Spectrum. It was very stressful, to say the least. Fortunately, by Tuesday morning, the internet and phone were working again and (knock on wood) have been continually working.

I was able to get in some exercise on my FitDesk on Tuesday and went to an intermediate yoga class yesterday. Oh boy, that kicked my butt (or my legs and back, to be exact). All of my strength was used on that workout. Yesterday, I tried the no caffeine again, as well as eating only non-reactive foods. I was completely depleted by 2 pm and asleep at 7:30. Unfortunately, I only got 7 hours of sleep, because my sleep is always restless since having Roger.

This morning I woke up sore and determined to change up what would be a very restrictive LEAP diet. I contacted the nutritionist with an outline of what I plan to modify. She said it was a great idea and that I will probably last longer on the “diet/lifestyle” due to the modifications. First summer life with a 6 year old boy who happens to have autism and working full-time will be hard enough without having insane food restrictions. The first modification: COFFEE. I had a cup and was actually able to vacuum. Yesterday, I was lump on the sofa.

On a different note, tonight I get to see one band that I have been aching to see for the past 28 years: The Damned. Both times I previously set out to see them, there was an issue. This is their 40th Anniversary tour and I thought, yet again, the plan was going to be foiled when Captain Sensible fell off the stage and broke his rib(s). And, then, once it was still a go-ahead, our sitter double-booked for tonight. Fortunately, I met with other sitters and we have that covered. Now, the weather calls for hail, so there’s always something!

One more tidbit of good news: in the past two months, I have lost 7.2 pounds. If I just lose 3 pounds a month, I will be at my goal weight by next March. No pressure – just taking it one step at a time.

So depressed.

Yesterday afternoon and this morning, my sore throat got even more sore. My allergies have been attacking me from every direction. Today, I feel like I’ve been run over by a bus a half dozen times. I am so depressed that I have not felt well in so long. However, today may be one of the worst days. My nutritionist advised me to stop coffee (I’ve been on one cup a day) in preparation for next week’s change to the LEAP diet. I told Rob, so he only made himself a cup. Needless to say, to make it through my working day feeling like crap, I had to make myself one cup of coffee.

Now to boast about some accomplishments this week: two yoga classes and one day on the FitDesk. I planned on riding today as well, but the walk to and from Roger’s school with the doggies was too much for me. I also created some tentative work/sitter schedules through the end of July. Things may come up (they always do), but I feel ready for the summer now. I must schedule some fun pool and CAC time with Roger. I want him to enjoy his first summer out of school.

Here’s hoping I feel better to have some fun with the family this Mother’s Day weekend and I get out of this emotional funk created by this physical setback!

Building a routine

It may not be the ideal time to build a routine, being that schools lets out in a few weeks and that may throw a wrench in my routine. I went to Monday’s yoga class and it was a great class. It was mainly a stretching class which helped my back immensely. Wednesday’s class is more advanced, but I plan on doing as much as I can. There is always child’s pose when it gets too tough for me. That begins my routine: Monday and Wednesday will be yoga days. Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, I will use my FitDesk. Saturday will be my rest day and Sundays I may check out the Yin & Sit yoga class. This Sunday is Mother’s Day and I signed up for Yoga Nidra which, according to the website, is the practice of conscious yogic sleep, a meditative and restorative experience that allows you to transcend physical and mental barriers so that you may place intentions – or sankalpa – at the innermost level of your being. The yogic sleep part sounds good to me!

I’ve also been sticking to the one cup of coffee per day til the first day of my LEAP lifestyle change. This is going to be my hardest habit to break. I’ve realized how much coffee has suppressed my appetite in the morning. I’m hungry at 9 instead of 11 or 12, which I am not used to. Also, my depleted energy no longer gets a caffeine boost. Hopefully, a few weeks into the dietary changes, I will have energy once again. Although knowing it will be a bit overwhelming, I am very much looking forward to the change. I will need to write a food log, as well as note any bodily reaction to the foods I am allowed. I am used to logging on a notepad, but considering putting them on my blog. I was reading another blog that has been following a person on a LEAP diet and she said she does not have the ability to log daily, so I will be aware of that challenge.

In the meantime, I’ve typed up my next three work schedules which lead up to summer but will need to figure out past that. I should also start planning meals for the time leading up to summer. Hmmm…maybe tomorrow.