Category: depression

Ending February

Wow, one-sixth of 2018 is complete.  Today, I have a slower work pace, as the project responses have slowed down and I can concentrate on different aspects of my work as well.  It has also given me a chance to get up and move around more, which is needed on the day after the “dusting incident”.  I was able to clean the kitchen, to the best of my ability.  This helps since this is where I am currently situated on a stiff chair.

In addition, I was able to break free and have an actual hour break at coffee with my lady friends.  It was a nice change of pace.  Unfortunately, we mainly talk about our kids, instead of ourselves.  I guess that happens when you become a parent — your identity as an individual diminishes into that of a parent.

Now I am experiencing the downside of a slow-paced work day:  exhaustion.  When everything is busy, you don’t notice.  Right now, I am fighting to keep my eyes open.

Gotta get up and move around.  See you in March!

Happy Friday!

Today has been a good day.  That is, mainly, thanks to a great first session with a new therapist in Denton.  I knew checking her FB and seeing her being a fan of Dawkin’s “The God Delusion” was a good indicator.

One of the issues with therapy is usually when you find you have nothing to talk about.  Today, we gabbed and I could’ve talked more.  One of our topics of discussion was the prevalence of religion and high-maintenance individuals in the surrounding areas.  She understood why, once going to the neighborhood school, my stress-level and anxiety went up.  She said she was told to try a Brownie troop for her daughter and it had many girls in my neighborhood (this was about 5 years ago).  She said the girls and the parents were very entitled and, downright, rude to her and her daughter, especially since they were not religious.  This makes me want to rebel in the opposite direction and show my opposition to the hypocrisy of most religious zealots.  However, that is not my main focus, but it could be a fun side-project.

I am looking forward to my next visit in 10 days.  I woke up excited to try a new therapist and left looking forward to going back.  One cannot ask for more!

Freezing

Today is not the coldest day we have had this winter.  However, for some reason, I cannot get the chill out of my bones.  I have to take Roger to a swimming lesson later and all I dream of is taking a hot bath and going under the covers!  I am done accomplishing anything today, except for body heat generation.

I had a nice teacher meeting with the long-term substitute (who is a retired teacher).  She told me how fantastic Roger is, how intelligent, and thoughtful he is.  It was great to hear.  She has no concerns about him.  Who knew he would be so well-adjusted when we started this autism journey?  Sure, we still have our daily shoe torture, but the pluses outweigh the minuses by far!  I am so proud of him.  At 7, he has worked harder than most adults I know.  He has his school therapies, his private therapies, and his other lessons.  He is definitely not a quitter and full of love.  I think we have produced a far better person than either Rob or I am singularly — that is the goal of reproduction, eh?

Funny, spending those few minutes reflecting on Roger helped me deflect my fixating on how cold I am.  I no longer feel so cold.  I am sure I will have a different mindset once I return from my walk to pick Roger up from school and back!

Last week and new beginnings this week

Last week was a really tough week.  My mood was incredibly low, as was my patience.  There were many stressors in regards to deliveries, appointments, and feedback (or lack thereof) in regards to Roger’s academic progress.  My week was filled with many thoughts all over the place and total lack of focus.

Today I have decided to try and get back into the swing of things.  This is a theme of my life:  out-of-whack week followed by an in-focus week (or attempt to that).  So, today I have focused on work, exercise, my weekly schedule (and Roger’s), and some laundry and garbage chores.

Today, I had a podiatrist appointment (I need orthotics due to some feet issues).  He politely stressed that I need to be healthier.  I couldn’t agree more.  I am hoping my motivation can remain.  It comes and goes so quickly!

I have a new therapist appointment on Friday of this week.  She is a “psychotherapist”.  I am not sure how different that is from the counseling I have received in the past.  I hope this time I “click” with the therapist.  I always do some on-line research when I make appointments.  On FB, I saw that she “liked” the God Delusion, so that is a positive to me!

Friday, YAY!

Today was another good day. I was able to pace myself at work and to do some clean-up around the house. I was even able to get an errand done, a nice cup of coffee, and get a little break while icing my back and writing my blog. I have about 30 more minutes of free time to enjoy prior to mommy mode.

Roger is really excited for this evening’s plan. We are going to see 3 School of Rock bands perform in Lewisville: the first is Abbey Road (obviously Beatles’ songs) starting at 5 pm, followed by One Hit Wonders, and, lastly, Punk. There is another band after but figured we would stay until 9. It should be really fun and get Roger excited for his vocal lessons that begin in February!

What a pain in the back!

This morning I had scheduled Yin and Sit Yoga and Meditation, some “me” time.

After waking up to Roger on the iPad continuously this morning, I decided to finish my weekend work while riding the stationary bike.  I was done by 9.  I then did homework with Roger and followed it with some fun karaoke.  Then the time arrived:  time for me, time for yoga.

I was in tears from the beginning movements to the final savasana.  I was in total pain from my neck to my tailbone to my right leg.  This is where Roger, my son with autism, rammed his head into my spine after not getting his way.  This was on January 2nd and I don’t even remember what it was regarding.  All I remember was it was post-massage as I plopped onto the bed on my belly and was peacefully lying there.  I let out the loudest cry.  It immediately hurt so terribly.  I don’t think I ever produced a scream like that even when I broke my knee or ankle.

It has been three weeks and the pain has not gotten better.  I have tried Tylenol and anti-inflammatories while using the heating pad but this has not helped in the least bit.  I kept wondering where all my depression and lack of motivation came from at the beginning of this year.  Today was my reminder.  I am so glad that the majority of the class is done with your eyes closed, so others did not see the tears stream down my face.

When class was over, and that could not come quickly enough — that damn 75 minutes, I rushed to my car for a proper cry.  Then the thoughts raced:  have to make an appointment this week.  With who?  My primary doctor?  My back doctor who I am not really fond of — seems too surgery happy?  My pain doctor?  Next thoughts:  I really am going to have to cancel being teacher’s helper this week, my back cannot handle the copier.  Followed by thoughts of that yoga retreat that accepted me on “scholarship” but is less than 2 weeks away.  How can I possibly do a yoga retreat right now?  I do not foresee my pain level being that lessened in that short period of a time – especially since specialized doctors usually do not have readily available appointments.

I told Rob to occupy Roger for a bit.  I am in such a terrible mood right now.  I have 2 loads of laundry and cannot even muster the strength to empty the dryer to put the other load in.  And the state of the house is in total disarray due to Roger’s “box fort” building.  I may hide myself away in the bedroom for the time being until I can cope better with it all.

Super Duper Down

It seems that for quite sometime now I have been waking up with my first thought being, “I cannot wait until bed tonight”. Each activity I do seems to lack any enjoyment. The focus of each is only completion: countdown til my work day is over and I pick up Roger, countdown between pick up and the class/therapy of the day, countdown to dinner and son’s bedtime routine, countdown til I go to bed. The next morning I begin the same countdown that ends roughly 14 hours later. How depressing is that? I can easily answer that: VERY.

Countdown to the end of this blog post: goodnight.

Retreat Possibility?

Yesterday’s new therapist/psychologist/BCBA appointment for Roger went better than expected.  Well, at least, Roger’s reaction was positive to having to go to a new doctor that you talk to and play at and are talked about in front of.  Now that he is getting older it is getting odder for me to answer questions about him in front of him.  I am not sure if I am fond of the doctor yet.  She took lots of notes and said she had an Independence curriculum that we could start working on with Roger, since he is SO DEPENDENT on us (mainly me) for EVERYTHING.  I made 3 follow-up appointments and will, hopefully, get a sense of if it is a good fit by then.

That brings me to an exciting Facebook message I received today from a friend and fellow autism mom.  She told me about these Women’s Retreats in east Texas.  They have a Retreat Assistance Program to help pay for the weekend retreat.  The idea of having a weekend alone in quiet sounds amazing to me.  That has been my “dream vacation” for a long time!  On the same hand, the idea of going away to an unknown place with completely unknown people and an unknown routine is completely terrifying to me.  I like the known.  I like routine. I like the safety of predictability.

That being said, I applied and, depending on the outcome, I may face all those fears of mine so I can relax, recharge, rejuvenate.  In the meantime, I really do have to do more self-care at home.  Yes, a nice clean house is awesome, but so is a restful break.  I made a weekly cleaning schedule.  Perhaps I need to add-in a stretching, moisturizing, “do for myself” schedule.

Mid-January

Who can believe that January is already half over?  The weekend was better than I anticipated.  I guess entering it with anxiety and pessimism led to better things!

Saturday, we ventured to Ripley’s that included a terrible wax museum, a lame laser race, a cute mirror maze and a pretty good “7D” movie.  The wax museum was quite funny but a tad horrific as well.  Some figures did not resemble the celebrities at all.  There was a whole area dedicated to the “Pilgrimage of Christ”.  It was quite scary!

Sunday was pretty laid back.  While Roger and Rob went to see Paddington, I cleaned the house.  That was followed by a play date for Roger and a dinner date for Rob and I.  That was some much needed time alone!

Yesterday, I had the day with Roger.  We completed his homework in the morning, made some Roblox videos on his phone, went to Barnes and Nobles and Target, took him to his swimming class, had a play date at our house, took him to occupational therapy, and ate at Chick-fil-A.  It was a very full and pretty easy day.

Today is the beginning of my work week and I was able to ride my bike for the beginning of my day.  This afternoon I take Roger to a new psychologist.  Unfortunately, with our insurance change, there are not that many options.  I have not told Roger, and am a bit nervous to do so, so I am not looking forward to picking him up.  I do not have high hopes, so perhaps all will go well…

Weekend Anxiety

I am still under the weather with coughing, allergies, chills, some tummy issues, etc.  Unfortunately, Roger, as an only child, wants to be entertained.  This morning he was already talking about what fun things we could do later:  karaoke, games.  Thankfully, he is aware my back hurt too bad last night from roller skates that he took that off the table.  Of course, resting and watching a movie are always off the table for Roger too!

This weekend happens to be a 3 day weekend as well, so that gives me an extra day of “fun” to schedule for Roger.  I am trying to institute a family fun day on Saturdays to do something out of the ordinary (zoo, museum, Dallas in general, etc.).  Tomorrow, I am pitching Ripley’s Believe It or Not since it will be quite chilly.  We will see if everyone is on board with that decision.  Sunday, I hope to feel up to Yin Yoga and Mediation followed by a short date with Rob.  Monday morning is still unscheduled but I have a make-up swim lesson planned for 1 pm followed by a play date with Roger’s best friend followed by Occupational Therapy.

I just have to make it through today first!

Ohm

Today I feel pretty accomplished in the work, home and personal realm.  That being said, I still have half the day to feel overwhelmed and crushed.  However, I am going to try to keep a positive attitude on this gloomy, overcast day.  Although I guess that previous statement does not sound too positive!

This morning, on my walk home from Roger’s school, I had those same contemplative, philosophical thoughts I had mentioned the other day.  Then the major thought hit:  am I having a mid-life crisis?  That can’t be.  I had my mid-life crisis when I bought white roller skates with pink wheels a couple of years ago!  Hmmm, what could be going on where I am contemplating my life’s priorities?

The last series of Meditation I had just completed was themed Prioritization.  Clearly, the meditation is sinking into my daily life.  That is the point.  Maybe I should listen to the Happiness pack next and wait for that to become part of my daily life.

Where’s My Groove?

Yesterday was amazing!  No, the day was not perfect, but it was our first day to be back to a normal work/school day routine.  I slept pretty well Sunday night.  I rode my stationary bike and worked for 30 plus minutes.  I had peace and quiet for 7 hours.  Lovely.

Today I was hoping to feel the same way and to accomplish more.  I slept pretty terrible with Roger coming into the bed at an early hour.  I had this “Himalayan salt” night light that I think kept me in a light sleep.  I guess I do need total darkness.  Needlesstosay, today I am feeling groggy.  I also chose to have my allergy shots today (even with my cough).  My airflow was registered much lower than usual, but I was still able to get the shots.  That means I had to take an antihistamine this morning.  That, coupled with the contents of the shot, is adding to my tiredness.

When do I get to feel great and get back into the swing of things for 2018?  It feels like an unfunny gag.  You had a day of feeling good, now you get 5 weeks of feeling crappy.  I know lots of people have been perpetually sick, especially with the huge changes in temperature here in DFW ranging from 20’s to 70’s the past couple months.

Come on, health, I have too much I want to accomplish and enjoy to still feel under the weather!

The Seventh of January

The first week of January has been a moody week for me.  In my head, I tried to keep positive with all the drama surrounding me.  I tried to keep patient with the cries of a sensory kiddo.  I tried to stay on task with my mind constantly distracted.

Last night, as we watched another uplifting show on Netflix, The End of the F***ing World, I was saddened and, clearly, philosophical.  With the attainment of all our possessions, what is the point?  What purpose do they serve?  Why was I so excited to have our first real bedroom set?  Why did I value my Roomba (that I almost broke and quietly lectured myself about) so much more than my peace of mind?

Well, today, with last night’s lack of sleep, I am again impatient, moody, and exhausted.  We have an “all day” window for furniture delivery.  I completed my weekend work for my “real” job and have a litany of chores around the house to occupy my time til the arrival.  However, after finishing my work, I meditated via Headspace and am now blogging for a moment or two.  Am I procrastinating cleaning the toilets or do I just need some rest?  It is hard to decipher.  I will sit here in quiet until the mood (or, perhaps, the guilt) drives me to do something else.

January 3rd, what a turd.

Quite a poetic title, eh?  Yesterday’s family drama and my son’s sensory issues continued today.

Last night, I had a phone call while I was in bed for sleep.  I decided not to answer it.  The day exhausted me and I just wanted sleep.  This morning I see complaints of this person on social media that no one helps and the blaming of others.  I corrected them on both accounts.  The person is an adult with a child and acting like a pre-teen with middle school hormones.  In the past, I have been very gentle with them, always giving a listening ear.  We had given money in the past and the same bad decisions were made repeatedly.  This time it was too much.  My parents had given so much and yet complaints of “no family” and “no help” lingered all over Facebook.  I contacted this person via Messenger and was, for the first time, very direct and blunt.    I guess it was not what was desired and I was blocked from conversing after I got a juvenile response.  I texted my response and, again, was given the “no family” and “everyone can go to hell” line.

I felt at peace for finally voicing my true opinion.  However, I heard from my parents of another horrendous decision made and I have been obsessing over it all day.  I keep telling myself not to harp on about it, but then my thoughts go back.

In my conversation with my mother, I finally unloaded all the current issues we have been having with our son and his sensory processing disorder.  The continual battles about shoes, about shirts that do not fit correctly, about one drop of water on his shirt causing a meltdown.  I usually keep this all inside or, lately, have been blogging about it.  She had no idea things were getting so tough with Roger again.

The one thing I was taught since Roger started early intervention at 18 months was that autism is cyclical.  There are ups and downs, regressions and progress.  What I remember from that time was that the downs outlasted the ups.  I guess I have been spoiled by all the progress because this regression in behavior is becoming unbearable.  It slowly began during the summer and has been advancing since first grade began.  He is great at school but not so good at home and at his therapies.

I guess instead of obsessing over someone who is unhelpable, I need to concentrate my efforts and figure out what steps we need to take to break Roger out of his current cycle.

Being a responsible parent is hard.

 

2018, Take Two

The second day of the year was not nearly as peaceful as I hoped.  I did have a lovely, full night’s sleep in our king bed downstairs.  However, that tranquility was disturbed by a frantic phone call.  It was a family issue (not immediate family affected).  I tried not to harp on it and go about my day.  Unfortunately, the internet, cable and home phone were all not working,  so Rob called Spectrum to resolve the issues.  They said we would need a technician to come out and the first availability would be Friday.  This is one of the downsides of working from home at a job that does not want you to use Wi-Fi in public places.

Fortunately, while that phone call was still in progress, I had an appointment for a massage and facial.  I still had hope for this day yet.  Both were lovely but I had an especially talkative masseuse.  I like the quiet massage time.  Also, he mentioned religion 3 times during the massage while I am on my stomach with my Coop Devil Tattoo on my back.  These are the times I regret that tattoo.

When I returned home, we decided to eat out and play video games at Round 1.  Here is where the real fun begins….My son has either extreme sensory issues with his feet/shoes and/or OCD.  We think it is sensory since it has been there the majority of his life.  I tightened his left shoe 3 times and his right shoe 5 times and the right shoe was still not tight enough.  My hands could no longer handle the laces.  I told him I refused to tie it anymore and I plopped belly first on the bed.  In anger, he crammed his head into the right side of my back incredibly hard.  Tears filled my eyes and I let out a scream in anguish.  It hurt so badly and he intended on hurting me.  Not only the pain, but intention kept the tears coming.  This was my first big cry of 2018.

It took about an hour or so til we were able to get out the door and salvage the day.  Oh, 2018 you are already trying my patience!

Happy 2018!

Yesterday, I was very tired, stressed, and reactive.  I was super moody and snapped at my husband and son the majority of the day.  I was, definitely, not at my best.  However, after many glitches during the day, a switch flipped for me around 5:30 pm.  Roger and I spent the pre-NYE party listening to music and singing karaoke.  At 7, the first of our guests arrived (of the 3 other families joining us).  There was a rocky start with the children, particularly my child.  He complained nobody wanted to play with him.  It reminded me of those holiday parties we had prior to Roger’s autism diagnosis where he would only be happy if me and him went in a separate room from everyone.  The night ended great with two new year’s cheers at 11 pm (for NYC) and midnight.

This morning, although exhausted from a terrible night’s sleep, I woke with a change in attitude for 2018.  I have several intentions and goals for 2018.  After coffee and some straightening up, I wrote in my new journal/yearly calendar.  It is a calendar geared not only towards schedule but goals/aspirations/gratitudes.  It helped me focus on self-growth and have “me” time.

After that, Roger and I did several experiments from the Magic School Bus kit he received for Christmas 2016.  Rob and I watched “Bring It On” and I took an extremely hot and long shower (sorry conservationists but it was so needed for me).  I spent time in the room doing meditation from Headspace and ended up taking a short nap.  Roger woke me up showing me some art he created of The Beatles.  We also read 2 books he checked out from his school library on Rosa Parks and Ronald Reagan.  He only checks out biographies (just as I as an elementary school kid).

Now, post dinner, I am writing in my blog, Richie Rich on Netflix, and Roger exhausted.  He’s been a bit cranky due to lack of sleep the last few days.  He keeps saying how tired he is but refuses to get ready for bed.  Time to deal with this, I guess.

When autism rears its ugly head

Yesterday was a day that was filled with many autism/anxiety/sensory issues.  It is always lurking there (especially the sensory shoe and sock issue that is dealt with multiple times a day), but some days are worse than others.  It began with an ungodly waking time of 4:52.  There was an early morning cry about worries of going away to college and not knowing how to get to his classes.  Yes, my son is 7.

The next meltdown was regarding not building a pool in our backyard for next summer.  There is no reasoning to help a situation like that.  So, unfortunately, more tears were shed.

Not being able to open the DEVO “action figure” was the third inconsolable moment.

The next issue was the not-tight-enough shoe dilemma.  That lasted from roughly 10:30 am til 2 pm, off and on.

Finally, the multiple times he is unable to understand instructions or “see” something that is literally right in front of him.  Repeating things like “the towel is right on top” when exiting the shower.  It may have been that the towel he always uses looked a little different when laying on the towel rack.  Whatever the reasoning, it all made for a tiring day.

Last night I could not sleep and awoke earlier than yesterday.  I hope I can hold it all together for the New Year!

Lazy blogger

Yup, that’s me.  I’m a lazy blogger.  It takes virtually no time to write a short blog, but I have just contemplated it and gone on with my day.  For the quadrillionth time, I am going to try to blog as part of my “be healthy” 2018 New Year’s Resolution.  Blogging usually gives me some clarity or closure of feelings.  At the very least, it gives me a sounding board for my complaining!  So, if I do not see you before, see you again in 2018!

What a week!

There were many times I thought about blogging this past week, especially when things were going well and I was very organized, focused, and accomplished.  However, I stayed on task and did not blog.  Today I feel overwhelmed, anxious, unfocused, agitated, and depressed.

Saturday night we went to see Ministry but my ear was in so much pain from previous sinus infections that we had to leave early.  Monday I started new medicines that included steroids.  The good news is my ear is feeling much better.  The bad news is that, although it gives me extra energy, it makes me incredibly angry, annoyed, and, overall, pissed off.  Each day I have a shorter fuse.  Tomorrow is my last day of the five day pack but I do not know how long it will linger in my system.  I am very sensitive to steroids but this seems to be the only med that has helped me with this over month long ear issue.

There are so many things coming up and that I have been planning on doing:  new rules/check system for Roger’s behaviors, selling our old dining room table, Thanksgiving next week, sorting through our bedroom “crap” so that we can get hardwood floors installed the Monday after Thanksgiving, trying to figure out what Roger wants for the holidays, hoping to sell toys and donate toys that Roger does not play with, getting bags of clothes ready for donation, etc.  The thought of all is just too much.  I want to just hide under the covers and wake up with everything done for me!

Let me get through this workweek and maybe then I can breathe and get in gear for the holidays!

 

Rainy Wednesday

Today started out as most weekdays –with the struggle over Roger’s shoes not being tight enough.  I know the weather change enhances some sensory issues.  This Wednesday it manifested itself over a shirt to wear.  The first shirt I chose was sweatshirt material.  Roger said it was too soft and to get it off him.  He was very upset.  The second shirt’s sleeves were a 1/4 inch too long for him, so he completely freaked out for a second time.  The third shirt worked but his shoes had to be tied multiple times.   The walk to school had light rain.  That he did not complain about.  The walk home the rain became heavier.  C’est la vie!

So today is a cold, rainy day.  The perfect day to be under covers in bed.  I tried to convince myself that I could skip my exercise for the day, since I did it the previous 3 days.  However, this seems to be my cycle.  By mid week, I usually start excusing myself from exercise.  Since I am volunteering the next two days and have an ENT appointment, I know I may not have time which made today’s workout more crucial for me.

Well, I did it and it’s over and I’m glad I did it and I’m glad it’s over.

November

I am hoping to have turned the corner on exercise and wellness.  Yesterday, I went to a yoga class for the first time in YEARS!  It was a restorative class and last night my cervical pain has been at its lowest.  Today, I did a 30 minute streaming cardio class.  The first fifteen minutes seemed pretty easy but the last fifteen was pretty difficult.  It felt great to complete.  I am hoping exercise along with my Headspace meditation will make dealing with my own and Roger’s anxiety easier.

 

Discouraging

Initially, I was going to make this blog a remainder of the week post.  However, today I am feeling quite cruddy and that’s just discouraging.  I have been eating healthy, exercising, and doing meditation.  Instead of energized, I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus.  I still have this same sinus infection/ear infection.  It has almost been a month.  The antibiotics do not help and, unfortunately, today I started wheezing a bit.  That means a third trip back to the doctor’s office next week is most likely.  I did tell Rob that if I still feel this terrible on Sunday that I am taking the day to rest/sleep.  Work and after school have been very busy and a tad stressful.  I have had very little down time this week.  I am sure that is not helping my recovery.

However, I will now list the positives of my week:  being a classroom helper on Tuesday, Roger advancing to the next level in swimming, starting a liberal local book club, a very good teacher conference on Thursday, coffee with some great ladies this morning, dinner and conversation with my parents on Wednesday, and lots of love and sweetness from my son and my husband.  Seeing that list makes my infection not seem so bad!

Happy Monday

I absolutely love Mondays and will always try to choose not to make any Monday appointments.  I get back into my groove on Mondays.  I get back into the swing of work, get back to my days alone, get back to my food and exercise regime.  Mondays are great for me.

Last week ended with me completely worn out from my first week back at work.  I hope this week I am not so wiped by the time the weekend comes.  I was an absolute nightmare to be around yesterday morning!   Depression, anxiety and stress were the key words.  Today, I am a cheery lady.  Hmm, maybe we should not discount that bipolar diagnosis!

 

Back in the Saddle Again

Yesterday was my first day back at work.  It was an 8 hour day.  I took hourly breaks to walk and move my arms.  During my lunch break, I did my 10 minute headspace meditation program and rested in bed an additional 10 minutes or so.  After school, Roger had homework and then Occupational Therapy.  After OT, we had our normal Chick-fil-A dinner and play date with his friend at our house.  It was a long day, especially since part of my workload occurred between the 7 to 9 o’clock hours.  I was very sore by the time I went to bed and woke up pretty sore too.

Today, I, again, took breaks and had my meditation/rest time during lunch.  This afternoon will be pretty packed with Roger having a trial singing lesson at School of Rock, followed by his swimming lesson, followed by dinner at my parents house, followed by spelling homework, followed by showers/bed.  I’m exhausted thinking about it!  However, the routine and new 5 minutes-per-hour (in the morning) exercise schedule has put me in a better mood than I have been.

I am hoping my health, wellness, and recovery will flourish.

Today I am very hopeful.

Health update

Yesterday morning I had a lumbar epidural.  I had a choice between local or general anesthesia.  I chose general anesthesia and am glad I did.  The back doctor had wanted a caudal epidural but I had extra bony growth, so the needle could not go the whole way in.   They had to do a higher injection.  The downside is that while I was under I coughed/sneezed the entire time.  I came out of anesthesia with a bad sore throat, almost no voice, and a raw nose.  Thankfully, they said I kept apologizing, so at least I was nice while under!  However, I had Rob make me an appointment at our internist to see if I had more than just bad allergies.  Today was my appointment and I have ANOTHER sinus infection.

My second appointment of the day was my follow-up with my orthopedic surgeon re: my ulnar nerve surgery.  I am doing very well and she released me back to work on Monday.  I told her how my other fingers are going numb and she fit me for a carpal tunnel splint.  However, she thinks the problem is stemming from my cervical issue.  I guess time will tell.  I have another follow-up in 3.5 weeks.

I would be in a better mood if I got more than 2 hours 19 minutes sleep last night.  The antibiotic shot must be somewhat working because my headache has subsided.  Here’s hoping I am more myself before I head back to the workforce Monday!

A bit down

Today I woke up feeling down, just an overall feeling of sadness.  I looked around the messy living room and felt unease.  I really wanted to clean it all up but was lacking the energy.  Also, I had plans for coffee with some friends.   I reluctantly went to coffee, for when I am down I am not feeling social.  It was a nice hour but I still felt down and tired when I left (despite the additional 16 ounces of coffee).

I keep wondering why I feel so down and today’s Headspace meditation had me realize one factor.  Today, it was focusing on if you are feeling pain and I realized my intention through the meditation and during this sick leave was to recover and rejuvenate.  I am still in pain through my arms, my entire back, and now my feet.  With virtually weeks of rest, my body has not rejuvenated itself.  It has actually worsened in some areas.  I was hoping when I was to return to work I would feel better than when I had my last working day.

Sunday, Glum Day

Well, I tried the hydrocodone with Benadryl to see if I could avoid the itchiness. It did not work, so I am taking 4 Advil every 8 hours or so.  I slept much better last night due to the lack of itching and lack of repeated daytime naps. The day of surgery was like one long nap most of the day. Yesterday and today, I took only one afternoon nap. 

The surgeon told Rob that my pain level would not increase from how I felt post-surgery. That’s not really been the case. Today my inner arm and elbow both feel like they’ve been cut open (which they have). Plus, my right shoulder feels wonky. It must be because of relying on my right arm these past few days. And, of course, when moving some Garbage Pail Kids, my left lumbar back went out/popped. I took muscle relaxers and put the heating pad on it, but it still hurts.

I attempted my first shower with a garbage bag arm and Rob waiting right outside. Who knew that a simple shower that is usually refreshing could wipe someone out so much!  

Tomorrow is the first day of 1st grade and Rob’s last day home with me. Here’s hoping it is an easier day!

End of Week 9, Beginning of Week 10

The end of last week started Roger’s 7th birthday celebration.  Thursday night he could not sleep because he was so excited for Friday night’s Queen concert.  He was tossing and turning all night, sounding like he may be sick, and awoke at 4 am.  That day his sitter was sick and he had to occupy himself while I worked.  In the afternoon, we met his first grade teacher, looked around the classroom and around the school at some new things going on.  He was even given a kit kat for that night and some M & Ms from his principal.  He was thrilled, especially as she announced his birthday on the loudspeaker as we left the building.  I had an afternoon dentist appointment, which the candy made Roger hyper for but he did well waiting for me.  Luckily, I got him to take an hour nap before we left for the concert.  He enjoyed the show and was very excited during “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” but starting crashing at 10:30 pm.  However, when we got in the car, he perked up and fell asleep around 12:30.  Unfortunately, he woke up at 6 am on Saturday for his birthday.  Saturday was a pretty full day that started with gift opening.  We also had our dogs’ obedience class, followed by lunch, a classmate’s birthday party, School of Rock, pizza and cake with my parents and his best friend, Amanda, and her family.  Finally, he fell asleep around 9:30 pm and woke up at 7:30 am.  He NEVER sleeps that late.  It was amazing!  Sunday was his formal 7th birthday party at Bach to Rock.  It was the latest party we have had for him — ending at 4:30.  We were exhausted afterwards.  The birthday weekend ended with some lego play and Mooyah for dinner.

Last night an allergy attack woke me up around 4 am.  To say that I am a little tired is an understatement.  So, the start of my day was trying to fall back asleep followed by some Buzzfeed, mail, facebook, etc.  For some reason starting a new week put my mood in a bit of a damper.  In the past (even recent past), weekends seemed more stressful than weekdays.  Possibly, that is due to the fact that I like structure.  However, the past few weekends have relaxed me quite a bit.  I was blaming some of my back/arm pain on lack of sleep.  My pain levels have been pretty low Friday and Saturday which does not correlate with the lack of sleep.  It doesn’t even correlate with stress levels.  Setting up the house and the party are both stress factors for me, but neither aggravated my upper back/neck/head aches.  This week I have my 3 important surgeon appointments while experiencing virtually no pain.  My left arm was in a ton of pain last Thursday but that feels like a lifetime ago.  My headaches have been very mild the past 1.5 weeks.  I feel like my body is correcting itself before I make a commitment to surgery!  Due to no known nerve damage, I am pretty sure I will not opt for neck surgery .  The severe damage to my left arm nerve (assuming ulnar nerve entrapment) may force me to have surgery, pain being present or not.  If the time allots, I will give a brief synopsis of my appointments Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

 

Medications

Yesterday, I felt some of the side effects of the migraine medication.  First off, the neurologist told me I would be groggy in the morning.  I usually am groggy, so I did not think it would be a big deal.  However, that grogginess was present the whole day.  I even had afternoon coffee and was exhausted.  Another side effect I had was intense abdominal pain/cramps.  That is seen as a severe side effect and may be caused due to an interaction with fluoxetine.  That made the decision for me:  I’d rather have these headaches than suffer the side effects.  Usually my headaches are just annoying, like the constant ringing.  I’d take that issue over the intense fatigue or increased fogginess (the side effect of the other medication he was going to prescribe).  I also looked up the drug interactions between the muscle relaxer, anti-inflammatory, fluoxetine, and simvastatin.  The muscle relaxer and fluoxetine have a severe interaction — can cause serotonin syndrome.  Therefore, I have decided to forgo the muscle relaxer as well.

This morning Roger woke us up late — 7:30!  I am virtually pain-free today in my neck area and right arm.  My left arm has discomfort from the ulnar nerve issue.  However, this may be a big indication for me to forgo ACDF surgery.  I have the second opinion next week and, after our weekend away to Galveston, I will stop the anti-inflammatory to see how my body is feeling.  I cannot be on an anti-inflammatory long-term, so if the pain is manageable sans medications, the surgery decision is made.

 

Week 9 of Summer

It seems like I miscounted the weeks in my previous blogs.   We have entered week nine of summer.  This has been a week of some resolutions:   as per the neurologist, my chronic headaches are migraines and I started medication last night and, second, as per my pain management doctor, my EMG shows severe ulnar neuropathy with the recommendation of surgery on my left arm.

Upside of neurology appointment:  he thinks the my migraines may be causing some of my back pain and, perhaps, the medication will lessen the pain (as well as stop the headaches).  Also, he was not convinced ACDF surgery is necessary.  He is the first professional who has given me that opinion.  I have a thorough appointment regarding a formal second opinion of surgery with a neurosurgeon next Tuesday.  After facing surgery for my elbow, I am hesitant about having a second surgery this year.

Next Wednesday, I have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon who specializes in the elbow, hand and wrist.   His nurse told me that he is scheduled out about two weeks for surgeries.  Hopefully, I can schedule a surgery sooner than later because the pain is worsening during the day, as well as the tingling during the night.  It seems like those days off I was hoping for when Roger would be back to school are coming…although I did not want surgery to be the reason why!