Author: leahbisrael

Licensed Menopause Champion and MenoChef and getting certified as a Women’s Coach Specialist. No Coast Menopause Coach will be open for clients and presentations beginning October 1st, 2023 both in-person and remotely. My journey of surgical menopause created a desire to learn more and help others. I am also a proud autism mom diagnosed with autism herself. In addition, I am experienced Knowledge Management Specialist who is able to multi-task and meet deadlines. Self motivated, detail oriented with strong verbal communication skills. Highly organized and skilled in all aspects of Microsoft Word. I have excellent follow through ability which makes me an asset. Skilled in the use of a wide range of legal software programs such as Microsoft PowerPoint, Excel, PowerPoint, Outlook & Internet Explorer.

Big Ball of Stress

Achieving balance is what most people are striving for – or at least I am. However, at this time in my life, I view everything as stressful. Work is stressful, cleaning is stressful, trying to find time to exercise is stressful, eating healthy is stressful, getting Roger ready for school/camp/bed/classes/therapy is stressful, playing with Roger is stressful, trying to fall asleep at night is stressful. BUT doing nothing is the most stressful of all for I think of everything I should be doing.

I think I have forgotten how to relax. What is the first step? How do you train yourself to relax? It really pisses me off when I see others relaxing while I am stressing out.

I also think I have forgotten how to have fun. It takes a lot to make me smile or genuinely enjoy myself. It wasn’t until The Dead Milkmen were actually onstage playing that I enjoyed that night.

I genuinely feel bad for my son and my husband. I want to have fun. I want to let go. Will a brain swap work?

Any tips or advice appreciated (just comment).

Post-anesthesia Blues

This week has been mentally, physically, and, mainly, emotionally hard.

Prior to my epidural, I had a change in my workspace. Instead of working on my personal laptop, that I could move from an exercise work station to different areas of the house, I am now confined to an upstairs workstation. The set up is quite impressive with large dual-monitors provided from my job. I am thankful but this has been a learning curve for me. I had to learn some new programs, spent the majority of Tuesday on the phone with the help desk, and am still not equipped with everything needed.

Wednesday was my “oh-not-so-fun” epidural experience that you can read about in an earlier blog. They days following have been tough work days. I was physically exhausted but thought I did not need to take off extra time. Boy, was I wrong. I lumbered through them physically but was hit mostly emotionally.

Since Wednesday’s epidural reprimand, I have been in and out of streams of tears. I have not cried this much in so long. I have read theories over why anesthesia could make someone cry. I am wondering if the stress of the past year is finally releasing itself with the help of the anesthesia. If so, when will the tears finally end?

Yesterday’s Epidural

Yesterday I had my third cervical epidural. My two previous ones were done a couple of years ago. I had some nerve issues after my second one but did not have any issues with the actual procedure. That was not the case yesterday.

First off, we had to be at the hospital at 6 a.m. So, we woke up about 1.5 hours earlier than normal. That wouldn’t have been a big deal, but I could not sleep at all due to the fact I was worried my alarm would not wake me. I was up every few minutes looking at the clock. Therefore, when it was time to wake up, I was already awake and exhausted. My husband had to get my son ready for school so he had to leave me at the hospital. I was glad they were gone before I got my IV. Normally, I get my IV in my hand. However, this time the nurse put it on the side of my hand/wrist. The only other time I had it there was when I had surgery on my ankle (almost 20 years ago) and it hurt so bad that I clearly remember that. Yesterday, it hurt as much as I recall it hurting then. She even commented that something was up with the nerve and she had to reposition it. Fun times!

The fun continued in the endoscopy room. We had to wait for the anesthesiologist. I chatted a tad with the doctor and staff while waiting. I was being chipper. They positioned me face down and, eventually, started the anesthesia. My next memory was the anesthesiologist commenting that I had to stop moving. I felt like he was reprimanding me. I started crying and was thankful I was face down and no one could see. Then I swore I could feel the procedure taking place. It hurt like hell and I cried from then until I was brought in the recovery, where the nurse commented a few times on when my husband would be back — he had to drop our son off at school. I was still crying when he arrived and on the drive home. It took me some time before I could tell him about it.

I have been under anesthesia many times and never woke crying. It makes me very nervous about having my next epidural in three weeks. I sent a note to my doctor telling her the above in a more vague manner. She tried calling but I was at my son’s school’s Chili Cook-Off. She responded via email and asked me to call her tomorrow. I have a lot to consider in the next few weeks.

Sunday – Tax Day

I designated Sunday as the day I would sit down and do our taxes. What a wonderful way to spend a Sunday, eh? What could possibly go wrong or turn your mood sour?

This was the first year of doing taxes that I had to figure out how to account for Rob’s second career, self-employment. I had quite a learning curve. I must’ve done terrible miscalculations at the beginning of the day because the amount we owed was obscene. I decided to put it aside and clean.

EVERYTHING that was out of place pissed me off ten-fold. Clearly the tax situation tainted my mood. The cat peed on my son’s bed, again. I broke one of my favorite mugs. We had a flat tire. NOT A GOOD DAY!

By the time Rob came home with Roger, I was a bit more relaxed. We “played” a fact card game, did Roger’s exercises for OT, practiced his singing for School of Rock, did FastMath, dinner, and I attempted taxes again. This time I found some errors and our owed money was more palatable.

In contrast, I am really enjoying this quiet Monday at work!

Follow up on yesterday’s 1-4

For those interested:

Pain doctor – she is sending a referral to a neurosurgeon. We both discussed the Orthopedic Surgeon who I previously went to and I said he was too “surgery happy” and I would prefer to see someone she recommended, since her recommendation for a surgeon for my elbow was fantastic. She said the doctor she is sending me to was head at UC Davis and is conservative in his approach. Also, we scheduled two cervical epidurals on March 7th and March 28th with a follow up with her in April.
Dental cleaning – they said all is good and that I have been doing well with my upkeep
Open House was really great. Roger was super excited and he got to show us all around. It makes me waffle a bit about our decision to switch to the STEM Academy at Donald next year.
The Dead Milkmen were phenomenal. So much fun! It’s always nice going to a concert with most of the attendees your general age. There were some younger kiddos as well (middle school aged). However, about 3-4 songs near the end I was aching to go. My back was feeling it!

Last night we got home too late and this morning came too early. My back is in dire straights today which is calling for a lot of icing and, soon, a hot bath which will, hopefully, be followed by a nap.

Busy, busy day

So, as life would have it, I slept terribly last night. I knew today was jam-packed and I am sure that this is what affected my sleep. I kept telling myself I needed a good night’s rest to make it through today but I ended up restless.

Beside the daily grind of getting Roger ready for school and walking him to school, working at my job, and picking him up for school, the following is scheduled:

Pain doctor appointment – my lower back stinks today from not getting rest last night (BOO)
After work, a dental cleaning – I had to reschedule since I had bad allergy attacks the day of my last scheduled cleaning
Open house at Roger’s school (as well as In-N-Out Burger dinner there)
The Dead Milkmen concert in Dallas – now this should be so much fun. The last time I saw them I was in high school. I believe it was 29 years ago (GULP) but it will be a late, late night for me.

Barring the doctor’s appointments, it should be a fun day. Roger is excited for Open House and Rob is excited for the Dead Milkmen. I am excited for sleep tonight!

Ending February

Wow, one-sixth of 2018 is complete. Today, I have a slower work pace, as the project responses have slowed down and I can concentrate on different aspects of my work as well. It has also given me a chance to get up and move around more, which is needed on the day after the “dusting incident”. I was able to clean the kitchen, to the best of my ability. This helps since this is where I am currently situated on a stiff chair.

In addition, I was able to break free and have an actual hour break at coffee with my lady friends. It was a nice change of pace. Unfortunately, we mainly talk about our kids, instead of ourselves. I guess that happens when you become a parent — your identity as an individual diminishes into that of a parent.

Now I am experiencing the downside of a slow-paced work day: exhaustion. When everything is busy, you don’t notice. Right now, I am fighting to keep my eyes open.

Gotta get up and move around. See you in March!

Unintentional Hiatus

I have a few minutes and due to today’s “dusting accident” I cannot lounge in my comfy chair. Stuck upright, I decided to blog. I cannot believe the last day I blogged was February 9th – 18 days ago.

There have been quite a few changes since that time. Let me pause and see what was happening on the 9th and I will see what I was doing then and comment on the changes.

Well, that wasn’t the most exciting of blog posts…not sure this will be either! Well, my husband gave notice at his job and has been working from home as an independent artist since February 19th. We are into the second week and things are going considerably better than I thought. Work has been considerably busier than usual due to a huge yearly project. It is nice having that workload, actually. It makes the day move faster and I think it made the transition easier having my husband home with me.

Mental health wise: I had my second appointment with the therapist and was not as thrilled as I was the first meeting. There is no stress management plan in the works. I think I need to “stress” that at our next appointment on March 6th. (ba-dum-ch)

Physical health wise: The past few weeks my elbow has been killing me (where I had ulnar nerve surgery). Last week I had an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon. She believes the pain is stemming from my cervical issues. She used a water hose in describing the “Double crush syndrome” with the ulnar nerve and my cervical issues. Two people are stepping on a water hose, when one person steps off, the water may flow, but it still needs to get around the second blockage. My neck and elbow were both crushing the nerve. One blockage has been taken care of but my discs may be pressing on my nerve as well. I have an appointment scheduled for Thursday to discuss, yet another, cervical epidural with the pain doctor. I guess while I am there I will discuss my dusting incident. I was enjoying dusting upstairs, twisted wrong (I guess) and sharp pain in my lower left back down my left leg. Tried meds, icing, hot bath, and it still hurts. Guess it was a good thing Rob works from home and could pick Roger up!

Roger wise: Roger was accepted into the STEM Academy at Donald Elementary for 2nd grade. We applied because it sounded awesome, but we knew the odds were low — about 450 families applied for 80/90 seats (20-25 students for each grade K-3). The decision to go would be made on the off-chance Roger got selected. I reached out to Roger’s past BCBA, his special education teacher, his long-term substitute teacher, and his principal asking their advice. Basically, they all agreed that Roger was a “hands-on” learner and would excel in an learning environment that was 50% hands-on. We always have the option to return to his neighborhood school. Roger will be going!

Here’s hoping I will be writing more and in less pain!

Happy Friday!

Today has been a good day. That is, mainly, thanks to a great first session with a new therapist in Denton. I knew checking her FB and seeing her being a fan of Dawkin’s “The God Delusion” was a good indicator.

One of the issues with therapy is usually when you find you have nothing to talk about. Today, we gabbed and I could’ve talked more. One of our topics of discussion was the prevalence of religion and high-maintenance individuals in the surrounding areas. She understood why, once going to the neighborhood school, my stress-level and anxiety went up. She said she was told to try a Brownie troop for her daughter and it had many girls in my neighborhood (this was about 5 years ago). She said the girls and the parents were very entitled and, downright, rude to her and her daughter, especially since they were not religious. This makes me want to rebel in the opposite direction and show my opposition to the hypocrisy of most religious zealots. However, that is not my main focus, but it could be a fun side-project.

I am looking forward to my next visit in 10 days. I woke up excited to try a new therapist and left looking forward to going back. One cannot ask for more!

Freezing

Today is not the coldest day we have had this winter. However, for some reason, I cannot get the chill out of my bones. I have to take Roger to a swimming lesson later and all I dream of is taking a hot bath and going under the covers! I am done accomplishing anything today, except for body heat generation.

I had a nice teacher meeting with the long-term substitute (who is a retired teacher). She told me how fantastic Roger is, how intelligent, and thoughtful he is. It was great to hear. She has no concerns about him. Who knew he would be so well-adjusted when we started this autism journey? Sure, we still have our daily shoe torture, but the pluses outweigh the minuses by far! I am so proud of him. At 7, he has worked harder than most adults I know. He has his school therapies, his private therapies, and his other lessons. He is definitely not a quitter and full of love. I think we have produced a far better person than either Rob or I am singularly — that is the goal of reproduction, eh?

Funny, spending those few minutes reflecting on Roger helped me deflect my fixating on how cold I am. I no longer feel so cold. I am sure I will have a different mindset once I return from my walk to pick Roger up from school and back!

Last week and new beginnings this week

Last week was a really tough week. My mood was incredibly low, as was my patience. There were many stressors in regards to deliveries, appointments, and feedback (or lack thereof) in regards to Roger’s academic progress. My week was filled with many thoughts all over the place and total lack of focus.

Today I have decided to try and get back into the swing of things. This is a theme of my life: out-of-whack week followed by an in-focus week (or attempt to that). So, today I have focused on work, exercise, my weekly schedule (and Roger’s), and some laundry and garbage chores.

Today, I had a podiatrist appointment (I need orthotics due to some feet issues). He politely stressed that I need to be healthier. I couldn’t agree more. I am hoping my motivation can remain. It comes and goes so quickly!

I have a new therapist appointment on Friday of this week. She is a “psychotherapist”. I am not sure how different that is from the counseling I have received in the past. I hope this time I “click” with the therapist. I always do some on-line research when I make appointments. On FB, I saw that she “liked” the God Delusion, so that is a positive to me!

Friday, YAY!

Today was another good day. I was able to pace myself at work and to do some clean-up around the house. I was even able to get an errand done, a nice cup of coffee, and get a little break while icing my back and writing my blog. I have about 30 more minutes of free time to enjoy prior to mommy mode.

Roger is really excited for this evening’s plan. We are going to see 3 School of Rock bands perform in Lewisville: the first is Abbey Road (obviously Beatles’ songs) starting at 5 pm, followed by One Hit Wonders, and, lastly, Punk. There is another band after but figured we would stay until 9. It should be really fun and get Roger excited for his vocal lessons that begin in February!

Back this week

Well, Sunday’s post was a total bummer. I felt so down in the dumps. My husband entertained my son out and about most of the day. When they got home and were so very sweet, my mood changed. I had my patience back and sat with Roger to do homework and get him ready for bed.

The next day I decided my number one priority was to make a doctor’s appointment. I decided whoever had the first opening I would go to: either my PCP, my orthopedic, or my pain doctor. Thankfully, as I was on the phone with the front desk of the pain doctor, they had a cancellation that afternoon. I had to take Roger but he was well-behaved but nervous, since I told him I would have to let the doctor know what had happened to my back.

Prognosis: a deep bruise in my core muscle. It is a large muscle that is mainly used in yoga, which is why Sunday aggravated it so much. Basically this muscle gets irritated when bending, stretching, and turning. Just all those every day things. It takes about 6 weeks to heal. It had been 3 already. However, since OTC and non-steroidal anti inflammatories were not working, I got prescriptions for prednisone and muscle relaxers. If not better in a few weeks, we will explore further.

Unfortunately, I had insomnia Monday night. I awoke at 2 but could not fall back asleep. I woke up at 3:45 and started work. When done with work in the 10 o’clock hour, I shut down my computer to nap. I listened to headspace and could not fall asleep. After a bit, I got up and cleaned the kitchen and showered. I decided to put in an extra hour or so at work til I pick up my son. My computer would not turn on. I followed instructions of draining the battery, removing the battery, all the tricks but nothing helped. I brought it to Best Buy. The Geek Squad said that it seems like I would need to buy a new computer. Fortunately, I bought the extended warranty. So, they sent my computer to be fixed or, if unable to be fixed, to be replaced. The ETA is 2 weeks. Good thing I work from home and that’s my computer, I said sarcastically.

Good news: I was able to set up my husband’s computer yesterday to be ready for work today AND I got a full night’s sleep. Today has been very pleasant with some back pain, but in a good mood which makes it more bearable.

What a pain in the back!

This morning I had scheduled Yin and Sit Yoga and Meditation, some “me” time.

After waking up to Roger on the iPad continuously this morning, I decided to finish my weekend work while riding the stationary bike. I was done by 9. I then did homework with Roger and followed it with some fun karaoke. Then the time arrived: time for me, time for yoga.

I was in tears from the beginning movements to the final savasana. I was in total pain from my neck to my tailbone to my right leg. This is where Roger, my son with autism, rammed his head into my spine after not getting his way. This was on January 2nd and I don’t even remember what it was regarding. All I remember was it was post-massage as I plopped onto the bed on my belly and was peacefully lying there. I let out the loudest cry. It immediately hurt so terribly. I don’t think I ever produced a scream like that even when I broke my knee or ankle.

It has been three weeks and the pain has not gotten better. I have tried Tylenol and anti-inflammatories while using the heating pad but this has not helped in the least bit. I kept wondering where all my depression and lack of motivation came from at the beginning of this year. Today was my reminder. I am so glad that the majority of the class is done with your eyes closed, so others did not see the tears stream down my face.

When class was over, and that could not come quickly enough — that damn 75 minutes, I rushed to my car for a proper cry. Then the thoughts raced: have to make an appointment this week. With who? My primary doctor? My back doctor who I am not really fond of — seems too surgery happy? My pain doctor? Next thoughts: I really am going to have to cancel being teacher’s helper this week, my back cannot handle the copier. Followed by thoughts of that yoga retreat that accepted me on “scholarship” but is less than 2 weeks away. How can I possibly do a yoga retreat right now? I do not foresee my pain level being that lessened in that short period of a time – especially since specialized doctors usually do not have readily available appointments.

I told Rob to occupy Roger for a bit. I am in such a terrible mood right now. I have 2 loads of laundry and cannot even muster the strength to empty the dryer to put the other load in. And the state of the house is in total disarray due to Roger’s “box fort” building. I may hide myself away in the bedroom for the time being until I can cope better with it all.

Super Duper Down

It seems that for quite sometime now I have been waking up with my first thought being, “I cannot wait until bed tonight”. Each activity I do seems to lack any enjoyment. The focus of each is only completion: countdown til my work day is over and I pick up Roger, countdown between pick up and the class/therapy of the day, countdown to dinner and son’s bedtime routine, countdown til I go to bed. The next morning I begin the same countdown that ends roughly 14 hours later. How depressing is that? I can easily answer that: VERY.

Countdown to the end of this blog post: goodnight.

Retreat Possibility?

Yesterday’s new therapist/psychologist/BCBA appointment for Roger went better than expected. Well, at least, Roger’s reaction was positive to having to go to a new doctor that you talk to and play at and are talked about in front of. Now that he is getting older it is getting odder for me to answer questions about him in front of him. I am not sure if I am fond of the doctor yet. She took lots of notes and said she had an Independence curriculum that we could start working on with Roger, since he is SO DEPENDENT on us (mainly me) for EVERYTHING. I made 3 follow-up appointments and will, hopefully, get a sense of if it is a good fit by then.

That brings me to an exciting Facebook message I received today from a friend and fellow autism mom. She told me about these Women’s Retreats in east Texas. They have a Retreat Assistance Program to help pay for the weekend retreat. The idea of having a weekend alone in quiet sounds amazing to me. That has been my “dream vacation” for a long time! On the same hand, the idea of going away to an unknown place with completely unknown people and an unknown routine is completely terrifying to me. I like the known. I like routine. I like the safety of predictability.

That being said, I applied and, depending on the outcome, I may face all those fears of mine so I can relax, recharge, rejuvenate. In the meantime, I really do have to do more self-care at home. Yes, a nice clean house is awesome, but so is a restful break. I made a weekly cleaning schedule. Perhaps I need to add-in a stretching, moisturizing, “do for myself” schedule.

Mid-January

Who can believe that January is already half over? The weekend was better than I anticipated. I guess entering it with anxiety and pessimism led to better things!

Saturday, we ventured to Ripley’s that included a terrible wax museum, a lame laser race, a cute mirror maze and a pretty good “7D” movie. The wax museum was quite funny but a tad horrific as well. Some figures did not resemble the celebrities at all. There was a whole area dedicated to the “Pilgrimage of Christ”. It was quite scary!

Sunday was pretty laid back. While Roger and Rob went to see Paddington, I cleaned the house. That was followed by a play date for Roger and a dinner date for Rob and I. That was some much needed time alone!

Yesterday, I had the day with Roger. We completed his homework in the morning, made some Roblox videos on his phone, went to Barnes and Nobles and Target, took him to his swimming class, had a play date at our house, took him to occupational therapy, and ate at Chick-fil-A. It was a very full and pretty easy day.

Today is the beginning of my work week and I was able to ride my bike for the beginning of my day. This afternoon I take Roger to a new psychologist. Unfortunately, with our insurance change, there are not that many options. I have not told Roger, and am a bit nervous to do so, so I am not looking forward to picking him up. I do not have high hopes, so perhaps all will go well…

Weekend Anxiety

I am still under the weather with coughing, allergies, chills, some tummy issues, etc. Unfortunately, Roger, as an only child, wants to be entertained. This morning he was already talking about what fun things we could do later: karaoke, games. Thankfully, he is aware my back hurt too bad last night from roller skates that he took that off the table. Of course, resting and watching a movie are always off the table for Roger too!

This weekend happens to be a 3 day weekend as well, so that gives me an extra day of “fun” to schedule for Roger. I am trying to institute a family fun day on Saturdays to do something out of the ordinary (zoo, museum, Dallas in general, etc.). Tomorrow, I am pitching Ripley’s Believe It or Not since it will be quite chilly. We will see if everyone is on board with that decision. Sunday, I hope to feel up to Yin Yoga and Mediation followed by a short date with Rob. Monday morning is still unscheduled but I have a make-up swim lesson planned for 1 pm followed by a play date with Roger’s best friend followed by Occupational Therapy.

I just have to make it through today first!

Ohm

Today I feel pretty accomplished in the work, home and personal realm. That being said, I still have half the day to feel overwhelmed and crushed. However, I am going to try to keep a positive attitude on this gloomy, overcast day. Although I guess that previous statement does not sound too positive!

This morning, on my walk home from Roger’s school, I had those same contemplative, philosophical thoughts I had mentioned the other day. Then the major thought hit: am I having a mid-life crisis? That can’t be. I had my mid-life crisis when I bought white roller skates with pink wheels a couple of years ago! Hmmm, what could be going on where I am contemplating my life’s priorities?

The last series of Meditation I had just completed was themed Prioritization. Clearly, the meditation is sinking into my daily life. That is the point. Maybe I should listen to the Happiness pack next and wait for that to become part of my daily life.

Where’s My Groove?

Yesterday was amazing! No, the day was not perfect, but it was our first day to be back to a normal work/school day routine. I slept pretty well Sunday night. I rode my stationary bike and worked for 30 plus minutes. I had peace and quiet for 7 hours. Lovely.

Today I was hoping to feel the same way and to accomplish more. I slept pretty terrible with Roger coming into the bed at an early hour. I had this “Himalayan salt” night light that I think kept me in a light sleep. I guess I do need total darkness. Needlesstosay, today I am feeling groggy. I also chose to have my allergy shots today (even with my cough). My airflow was registered much lower than usual, but I was still able to get the shots. That means I had to take an antihistamine this morning. That, coupled with the contents of the shot, is adding to my tiredness.

When do I get to feel great and get back into the swing of things for 2018? It feels like an unfunny gag. You had a day of feeling good, now you get 5 weeks of feeling crappy. I know lots of people have been perpetually sick, especially with the huge changes in temperature here in DFW ranging from 20’s to 70’s the past couple months.

Come on, health, I have too much I want to accomplish and enjoy to still feel under the weather!

The Seventh of January

The first week of January has been a moody week for me. In my head, I tried to keep positive with all the drama surrounding me. I tried to keep patient with the cries of a sensory kiddo. I tried to stay on task with my mind constantly distracted.

Last night, as we watched another uplifting show on Netflix, The End of the F***ing World, I was saddened and, clearly, philosophical. With the attainment of all our possessions, what is the point? What purpose do they serve? Why was I so excited to have our first real bedroom set? Why did I value my Roomba (that I almost broke and quietly lectured myself about) so much more than my peace of mind?

Well, today, with last night’s lack of sleep, I am again impatient, moody, and exhausted. We have an “all day” window for furniture delivery. I completed my weekend work for my “real” job and have a litany of chores around the house to occupy my time til the arrival. However, after finishing my work, I meditated via Headspace and am now blogging for a moment or two. Am I procrastinating cleaning the toilets or do I just need some rest? It is hard to decipher. I will sit here in quiet until the mood (or, perhaps, the guilt) drives me to do something else.

January 3rd, what a turd.

Quite a poetic title, eh? Yesterday’s family drama and my son’s sensory issues continued today.

Last night, I had a phone call while I was in bed for sleep. I decided not to answer it. The day exhausted me and I just wanted sleep. This morning I see complaints of this person on social media that no one helps and the blaming of others. I corrected them on both accounts. The person is an adult with a child and acting like a pre-teen with middle school hormones. In the past, I have been very gentle with them, always giving a listening ear. We had given money in the past and the same bad decisions were made repeatedly. This time it was too much. My parents had given so much and yet complaints of “no family” and “no help” lingered all over Facebook. I contacted this person via Messenger and was, for the first time, very direct and blunt. I guess it was not what was desired and I was blocked from conversing after I got a juvenile response. I texted my response and, again, was given the “no family” and “everyone can go to hell” line.

I felt at peace for finally voicing my true opinion. However, I heard from my parents of another horrendous decision made and I have been obsessing over it all day. I keep telling myself not to harp on about it, but then my thoughts go back.

In my conversation with my mother, I finally unloaded all the current issues we have been having with our son and his sensory processing disorder. The continual battles about shoes, about shirts that do not fit correctly, about one drop of water on his shirt causing a meltdown. I usually keep this all inside or, lately, have been blogging about it. She had no idea things were getting so tough with Roger again.

The one thing I was taught since Roger started early intervention at 18 months was that autism is cyclical. There are ups and downs, regressions and progress. What I remember from that time was that the downs outlasted the ups. I guess I have been spoiled by all the progress because this regression in behavior is becoming unbearable. It slowly began during the summer and has been advancing since first grade began. He is great at school but not so good at home and at his therapies.

I guess instead of obsessing over someone who is unhelpable, I need to concentrate my efforts and figure out what steps we need to take to break Roger out of his current cycle.

Being a responsible parent is hard.

2018, Take Two

The second day of the year was not nearly as peaceful as I hoped. I did have a lovely, full night’s sleep in our king bed downstairs. However, that tranquility was disturbed by a frantic phone call. It was a family issue (not immediate family affected). I tried not to harp on it and go about my day. Unfortunately, the internet, cable and home phone were all not working, so Rob called Spectrum to resolve the issues. They said we would need a technician to come out and the first availability would be Friday. This is one of the downsides of working from home at a job that does not want you to use Wi-Fi in public places.

Fortunately, while that phone call was still in progress, I had an appointment for a massage and facial. I still had hope for this day yet. Both were lovely but I had an especially talkative masseuse. I like the quiet massage time. Also, he mentioned religion 3 times during the massage while I am on my stomach with my Coop Devil Tattoo on my back. These are the times I regret that tattoo.

When I returned home, we decided to eat out and play video games at Round 1. Here is where the real fun begins….My son has either extreme sensory issues with his feet/shoes and/or OCD. We think it is sensory since it has been there the majority of his life. I tightened his left shoe 3 times and his right shoe 5 times and the right shoe was still not tight enough. My hands could no longer handle the laces. I told him I refused to tie it anymore and I plopped belly first on the bed. In anger, he crammed his head into the right side of my back incredibly hard. Tears filled my eyes and I let out a scream in anguish. It hurt so badly and he intended on hurting me. Not only the pain, but intention kept the tears coming. This was my first big cry of 2018.

It took about an hour or so til we were able to get out the door and salvage the day. Oh, 2018 you are already trying my patience!

Happy 2018!

Yesterday, I was very tired, stressed, and reactive. I was super moody and snapped at my husband and son the majority of the day. I was, definitely, not at my best. However, after many glitches during the day, a switch flipped for me around 5:30 pm. Roger and I spent the pre-NYE party listening to music and singing karaoke. At 7, the first of our guests arrived (of the 3 other families joining us). There was a rocky start with the children, particularly my child. He complained nobody wanted to play with him. It reminded me of those holiday parties we had prior to Roger’s autism diagnosis where he would only be happy if me and him went in a separate room from everyone. The night ended great with two new year’s cheers at 11 pm (for NYC) and midnight.

This morning, although exhausted from a terrible night’s sleep, I woke with a change in attitude for 2018. I have several intentions and goals for 2018. After coffee and some straightening up, I wrote in my new journal/yearly calendar. It is a calendar geared not only towards schedule but goals/aspirations/gratitudes. It helped me focus on self-growth and have “me” time.

After that, Roger and I did several experiments from the Magic School Bus kit he received for Christmas 2016. Rob and I watched “Bring It On” and I took an extremely hot and long shower (sorry conservationists but it was so needed for me). I spent time in the room doing meditation from Headspace and ended up taking a short nap. Roger woke me up showing me some art he created of The Beatles. We also read 2 books he checked out from his school library on Rosa Parks and Ronald Reagan. He only checks out biographies (just as I as an elementary school kid).

Now, post dinner, I am writing in my blog, Richie Rich on Netflix, and Roger exhausted. He’s been a bit cranky due to lack of sleep the last few days. He keeps saying how tired he is but refuses to get ready for bed. Time to deal with this, I guess.

When autism rears its ugly head

Yesterday was a day that was filled with many autism/anxiety/sensory issues. It is always lurking there (especially the sensory shoe and sock issue that is dealt with multiple times a day), but some days are worse than others. It began with an ungodly waking time of 4:52. There was an early morning cry about worries of going away to college and not knowing how to get to his classes. Yes, my son is 7.

The next meltdown was regarding not building a pool in our backyard for next summer. There is no reasoning to help a situation like that. So, unfortunately, more tears were shed.

Not being able to open the DEVO “action figure” was the third inconsolable moment.

The next issue was the not-tight-enough shoe dilemma. That lasted from roughly 10:30 am til 2 pm, off and on.

Finally, the multiple times he is unable to understand instructions or “see” something that is literally right in front of him. Repeating things like “the towel is right on top” when exiting the shower. It may have been that the towel he always uses looked a little different when laying on the towel rack. Whatever the reasoning, it all made for a tiring day.

Last night I could not sleep and awoke earlier than yesterday. I hope I can hold it all together for the New Year!

Lazy blogger

Yup, that’s me. I’m a lazy blogger. It takes virtually no time to write a short blog, but I have just contemplated it and gone on with my day. For the quadrillionth time, I am going to try to blog as part of my “be healthy” 2018 New Year’s Resolution. Blogging usually gives me some clarity or closure of feelings. At the very least, it gives me a sounding board for my complaining! So, if I do not see you before, see you again in 2018!

Bring it on!

It seems like last week I was having increased anxiety and panic attacks due to the 6 day pack of steroids the ENT prescribed. My primary care physician told me on Thursday to stop taking them. I googled how long it would remain in my system and, of course, the answers varied. Well, I can tell you, I think yesterday was my final day of having them in my system. I had increased appetite all through yesterday and very poor sleeping. Last night, I had a really good sleep and woke up feeling more “normal”. I am at my normal hunger level. I am glad to start feeling like myself a couple of days before the holiday. I was afraid I’d be inhaling all food in my sight this week and be a grumpy mess.

Tomorrow, I get to have a full-day off alone with Roger. The morning should be very relaxed with some homework mixed in. The early afternoon I have tickets to see Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer at Bass Hall in Ft. Worth. I hope he finds it entertaining and enjoys the theatre. This will be the first real play he has gone to. I am excited to see his reaction and start the holiday season. Yesterday, we visited Santa and he became shy Roger. He was so happy though!

One of the greatest gifts is seeing your child exuberant!

What a week!

There were many times I thought about blogging this past week, especially when things were going well and I was very organized, focused, and accomplished. However, I stayed on task and did not blog. Today I feel overwhelmed, anxious, unfocused, agitated, and depressed.

Saturday night we went to see Ministry but my ear was in so much pain from previous sinus infections that we had to leave early. Monday I started new medicines that included steroids. The good news is my ear is feeling much better. The bad news is that, although it gives me extra energy, it makes me incredibly angry, annoyed, and, overall, pissed off. Each day I have a shorter fuse. Tomorrow is my last day of the five day pack but I do not know how long it will linger in my system. I am very sensitive to steroids but this seems to be the only med that has helped me with this over month long ear issue.

There are so many things coming up and that I have been planning on doing: new rules/check system for Roger’s behaviors, selling our old dining room table, Thanksgiving next week, sorting through our bedroom “crap” so that we can get hardwood floors installed the Monday after Thanksgiving, trying to figure out what Roger wants for the holidays, hoping to sell toys and donate toys that Roger does not play with, getting bags of clothes ready for donation, etc. The thought of all is just too much. I want to just hide under the covers and wake up with everything done for me!

Let me get through this workweek and maybe then I can breathe and get in gear for the holidays!

Rainy Wednesday

Today started out as most weekdays –with the struggle over Roger’s shoes not being tight enough. I know the weather change enhances some sensory issues. This Wednesday it manifested itself over a shirt to wear. The first shirt I chose was sweatshirt material. Roger said it was too soft and to get it off him. He was very upset. The second shirt’s sleeves were a 1/4 inch too long for him, so he completely freaked out for a second time. The third shirt worked but his shoes had to be tied multiple times. The walk to school had light rain. That he did not complain about. The walk home the rain became heavier. C’est la vie!

So today is a cold, rainy day. The perfect day to be under covers in bed. I tried to convince myself that I could skip my exercise for the day, since I did it the previous 3 days. However, this seems to be my cycle. By mid week, I usually start excusing myself from exercise. Since I am volunteering the next two days and have an ENT appointment, I know I may not have time which made today’s workout more crucial for me.

Well, I did it and it’s over and I’m glad I did it and I’m glad it’s over.

November

I am hoping to have turned the corner on exercise and wellness. Yesterday, I went to a yoga class for the first time in YEARS! It was a restorative class and last night my cervical pain has been at its lowest. Today, I did a 30 minute streaming cardio class. The first fifteen minutes seemed pretty easy but the last fifteen was pretty difficult. It felt great to complete. I am hoping exercise along with my Headspace meditation will make dealing with my own and Roger’s anxiety easier.