anxiety

The Seventh of January

The first week of January has been a moody week for me. In my head, I tried to keep positive with all the drama surrounding me. I tried to keep patient with the cries of a sensory kiddo. I tried to stay on task with my mind constantly distracted.

Last night, as we watched another uplifting show on Netflix, The End of the F***ing World, I was saddened and, clearly, philosophical. With the attainment of all our possessions, what is the point? What purpose do they serve? Why was I so excited to have our first real bedroom set? Why did I value my Roomba (that I almost broke and quietly lectured myself about) so much more than my peace of mind?

Well, today, with last night’s lack of sleep, I am again impatient, moody, and exhausted. We have an “all day” window for furniture delivery. I completed my weekend work for my “real” job and have a litany of chores around the house to occupy my time til the arrival. However, after finishing my work, I meditated via Headspace and am now blogging for a moment or two. Am I procrastinating cleaning the toilets or do I just need some rest? It is hard to decipher. I will sit here in quiet until the mood (or, perhaps, the guilt) drives me to do something else.

January 3rd, what a turd.

Quite a poetic title, eh? Yesterday’s family drama and my son’s sensory issues continued today.

Last night, I had a phone call while I was in bed for sleep. I decided not to answer it. The day exhausted me and I just wanted sleep. This morning I see complaints of this person on social media that no one helps and the blaming of others. I corrected them on both accounts. The person is an adult with a child and acting like a pre-teen with middle school hormones. In the past, I have been very gentle with them, always giving a listening ear. We had given money in the past and the same bad decisions were made repeatedly. This time it was too much. My parents had given so much and yet complaints of “no family” and “no help” lingered all over Facebook. I contacted this person via Messenger and was, for the first time, very direct and blunt. I guess it was not what was desired and I was blocked from conversing after I got a juvenile response. I texted my response and, again, was given the “no family” and “everyone can go to hell” line.

I felt at peace for finally voicing my true opinion. However, I heard from my parents of another horrendous decision made and I have been obsessing over it all day. I keep telling myself not to harp on about it, but then my thoughts go back.

In my conversation with my mother, I finally unloaded all the current issues we have been having with our son and his sensory processing disorder. The continual battles about shoes, about shirts that do not fit correctly, about one drop of water on his shirt causing a meltdown. I usually keep this all inside or, lately, have been blogging about it. She had no idea things were getting so tough with Roger again.

The one thing I was taught since Roger started early intervention at 18 months was that autism is cyclical. There are ups and downs, regressions and progress. What I remember from that time was that the downs outlasted the ups. I guess I have been spoiled by all the progress because this regression in behavior is becoming unbearable. It slowly began during the summer and has been advancing since first grade began. He is great at school but not so good at home and at his therapies.

I guess instead of obsessing over someone who is unhelpable, I need to concentrate my efforts and figure out what steps we need to take to break Roger out of his current cycle.

Being a responsible parent is hard.

2018, Take Two

The second day of the year was not nearly as peaceful as I hoped. I did have a lovely, full night’s sleep in our king bed downstairs. However, that tranquility was disturbed by a frantic phone call. It was a family issue (not immediate family affected). I tried not to harp on it and go about my day. Unfortunately, the internet, cable and home phone were all not working, so Rob called Spectrum to resolve the issues. They said we would need a technician to come out and the first availability would be Friday. This is one of the downsides of working from home at a job that does not want you to use Wi-Fi in public places.

Fortunately, while that phone call was still in progress, I had an appointment for a massage and facial. I still had hope for this day yet. Both were lovely but I had an especially talkative masseuse. I like the quiet massage time. Also, he mentioned religion 3 times during the massage while I am on my stomach with my Coop Devil Tattoo on my back. These are the times I regret that tattoo.

When I returned home, we decided to eat out and play video games at Round 1. Here is where the real fun begins….My son has either extreme sensory issues with his feet/shoes and/or OCD. We think it is sensory since it has been there the majority of his life. I tightened his left shoe 3 times and his right shoe 5 times and the right shoe was still not tight enough. My hands could no longer handle the laces. I told him I refused to tie it anymore and I plopped belly first on the bed. In anger, he crammed his head into the right side of my back incredibly hard. Tears filled my eyes and I let out a scream in anguish. It hurt so badly and he intended on hurting me. Not only the pain, but intention kept the tears coming. This was my first big cry of 2018.

It took about an hour or so til we were able to get out the door and salvage the day. Oh, 2018 you are already trying my patience!

Happy 2018!

Yesterday, I was very tired, stressed, and reactive. I was super moody and snapped at my husband and son the majority of the day. I was, definitely, not at my best. However, after many glitches during the day, a switch flipped for me around 5:30 pm. Roger and I spent the pre-NYE party listening to music and singing karaoke. At 7, the first of our guests arrived (of the 3 other families joining us). There was a rocky start with the children, particularly my child. He complained nobody wanted to play with him. It reminded me of those holiday parties we had prior to Roger’s autism diagnosis where he would only be happy if me and him went in a separate room from everyone. The night ended great with two new year’s cheers at 11 pm (for NYC) and midnight.

This morning, although exhausted from a terrible night’s sleep, I woke with a change in attitude for 2018. I have several intentions and goals for 2018. After coffee and some straightening up, I wrote in my new journal/yearly calendar. It is a calendar geared not only towards schedule but goals/aspirations/gratitudes. It helped me focus on self-growth and have “me” time.

After that, Roger and I did several experiments from the Magic School Bus kit he received for Christmas 2016. Rob and I watched “Bring It On” and I took an extremely hot and long shower (sorry conservationists but it was so needed for me). I spent time in the room doing meditation from Headspace and ended up taking a short nap. Roger woke me up showing me some art he created of The Beatles. We also read 2 books he checked out from his school library on Rosa Parks and Ronald Reagan. He only checks out biographies (just as I as an elementary school kid).

Now, post dinner, I am writing in my blog, Richie Rich on Netflix, and Roger exhausted. He’s been a bit cranky due to lack of sleep the last few days. He keeps saying how tired he is but refuses to get ready for bed. Time to deal with this, I guess.

When autism rears its ugly head

Yesterday was a day that was filled with many autism/anxiety/sensory issues. It is always lurking there (especially the sensory shoe and sock issue that is dealt with multiple times a day), but some days are worse than others. It began with an ungodly waking time of 4:52. There was an early morning cry about worries of going away to college and not knowing how to get to his classes. Yes, my son is 7.

The next meltdown was regarding not building a pool in our backyard for next summer. There is no reasoning to help a situation like that. So, unfortunately, more tears were shed.

Not being able to open the DEVO “action figure” was the third inconsolable moment.

The next issue was the not-tight-enough shoe dilemma. That lasted from roughly 10:30 am til 2 pm, off and on.

Finally, the multiple times he is unable to understand instructions or “see” something that is literally right in front of him. Repeating things like “the towel is right on top” when exiting the shower. It may have been that the towel he always uses looked a little different when laying on the towel rack. Whatever the reasoning, it all made for a tiring day.

Last night I could not sleep and awoke earlier than yesterday. I hope I can hold it all together for the New Year!

Lazy blogger

Yup, that’s me. I’m a lazy blogger. It takes virtually no time to write a short blog, but I have just contemplated it and gone on with my day. For the quadrillionth time, I am going to try to blog as part of my “be healthy” 2018 New Year’s Resolution. Blogging usually gives me some clarity or closure of feelings. At the very least, it gives me a sounding board for my complaining! So, if I do not see you before, see you again in 2018!

Bring it on!

It seems like last week I was having increased anxiety and panic attacks due to the 6 day pack of steroids the ENT prescribed. My primary care physician told me on Thursday to stop taking them. I googled how long it would remain in my system and, of course, the answers varied. Well, I can tell you, I think yesterday was my final day of having them in my system. I had increased appetite all through yesterday and very poor sleeping. Last night, I had a really good sleep and woke up feeling more “normal”. I am at my normal hunger level. I am glad to start feeling like myself a couple of days before the holiday. I was afraid I’d be inhaling all food in my sight this week and be a grumpy mess.

Tomorrow, I get to have a full-day off alone with Roger. The morning should be very relaxed with some homework mixed in. The early afternoon I have tickets to see Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer at Bass Hall in Ft. Worth. I hope he finds it entertaining and enjoys the theatre. This will be the first real play he has gone to. I am excited to see his reaction and start the holiday season. Yesterday, we visited Santa and he became shy Roger. He was so happy though!

One of the greatest gifts is seeing your child exuberant!

What a week!

There were many times I thought about blogging this past week, especially when things were going well and I was very organized, focused, and accomplished. However, I stayed on task and did not blog. Today I feel overwhelmed, anxious, unfocused, agitated, and depressed.

Saturday night we went to see Ministry but my ear was in so much pain from previous sinus infections that we had to leave early. Monday I started new medicines that included steroids. The good news is my ear is feeling much better. The bad news is that, although it gives me extra energy, it makes me incredibly angry, annoyed, and, overall, pissed off. Each day I have a shorter fuse. Tomorrow is my last day of the five day pack but I do not know how long it will linger in my system. I am very sensitive to steroids but this seems to be the only med that has helped me with this over month long ear issue.

There are so many things coming up and that I have been planning on doing: new rules/check system for Roger’s behaviors, selling our old dining room table, Thanksgiving next week, sorting through our bedroom “crap” so that we can get hardwood floors installed the Monday after Thanksgiving, trying to figure out what Roger wants for the holidays, hoping to sell toys and donate toys that Roger does not play with, getting bags of clothes ready for donation, etc. The thought of all is just too much. I want to just hide under the covers and wake up with everything done for me!

Let me get through this workweek and maybe then I can breathe and get in gear for the holidays!

Rainy Wednesday

Today started out as most weekdays –with the struggle over Roger’s shoes not being tight enough. I know the weather change enhances some sensory issues. This Wednesday it manifested itself over a shirt to wear. The first shirt I chose was sweatshirt material. Roger said it was too soft and to get it off him. He was very upset. The second shirt’s sleeves were a 1/4 inch too long for him, so he completely freaked out for a second time. The third shirt worked but his shoes had to be tied multiple times. The walk to school had light rain. That he did not complain about. The walk home the rain became heavier. C’est la vie!

So today is a cold, rainy day. The perfect day to be under covers in bed. I tried to convince myself that I could skip my exercise for the day, since I did it the previous 3 days. However, this seems to be my cycle. By mid week, I usually start excusing myself from exercise. Since I am volunteering the next two days and have an ENT appointment, I know I may not have time which made today’s workout more crucial for me.

Well, I did it and it’s over and I’m glad I did it and I’m glad it’s over.

November

I am hoping to have turned the corner on exercise and wellness. Yesterday, I went to a yoga class for the first time in YEARS! It was a restorative class and last night my cervical pain has been at its lowest. Today, I did a 30 minute streaming cardio class. The first fifteen minutes seemed pretty easy but the last fifteen was pretty difficult. It felt great to complete. I am hoping exercise along with my Headspace meditation will make dealing with my own and Roger’s anxiety easier.

Halloween

It’s Tuesday and it’s Halloween. The day started pretty okay. Roger had a mini freak-out over his shoes not being tied tight enough. However, besides that, the day has been good thus far. I spent my “lunch break” volunteering at the school’s book fair. It was actually quite fun being a cashier and interacting with the kiddos. I decided to volunteer again tomorrow during the time Roger’s class will be going to the book fair.

I have not been sticking to my calorie counting as strictly as I would like. I even had a few pieced of Halloween candy this weekend. However, I have been walking quite a bit more (roughly 12000-13000 steps a day). I have decided to focus on me and try to be better with the food and the activity level. I really need to start an exercise routine and that is the one aspect I am really having difficulty with. I know I will feel better but just getting in gear is hard. I’m not going to beat myself up too much for it. I will keep walking more and eating better. I will try to start additional exercise by the new year!

This week has been filled with lots of anxiety stemming from Roger. He is anxious about time and being late, which I am certain comes from me. He is also having meltdowns, again, about his shoes not being tight enough. I thought we turned a corner with that, but, alas, it has returned. He also stresses over the contents of his backpack and the messiness of his hair.

When I discussed with his therapist how he’s been talking back a lot and testing boundaries, etc., she said it was a sign of stress. The above symptoms clearly sound like he is under a great deal of stress. If I ask him or his teacher about school, all seems okay. Roger discloses very little about school, but has not wanted to stay home from school. That is my indicator that all is well. His teacher says he is great. There are some fine motor issues but his temperament is fantastic. I think since this is Red Ribbon Week and they have different dress up categories each day, he may deem that as stressful. Anything out of the ordinary. Next week is a “normal” week (barring Halloween, but they cannot wear costumes to school on Halloween), so we will see if his anxiety is lessened.

Roger’s anxiety puts us all on edge. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and do not want to cause an episode if there is a hiccup with the day’s plans. It is very stressful. This is how it was a couple of years back. It is often heralded that autism is cyclical and there will be periods of regression for some behaviors and that seems to be the case. Poor kiddo. A seven year old should not have so much anxiety and stress.

Discouraging

Initially, I was going to make this blog a remainder of the week post. However, today I am feeling quite cruddy and that’s just discouraging. I have been eating healthy, exercising, and doing meditation. Instead of energized, I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. I still have this same sinus infection/ear infection. It has almost been a month. The antibiotics do not help and, unfortunately, today I started wheezing a bit. That means a third trip back to the doctor’s office next week is most likely. I did tell Rob that if I still feel this terrible on Sunday that I am taking the day to rest/sleep. Work and after school have been very busy and a tad stressful. I have had very little down time this week. I am sure that is not helping my recovery.

However, I will now list the positives of my week: being a classroom helper on Tuesday, Roger advancing to the next level in swimming, starting a liberal local book club, a very good teacher conference on Thursday, coffee with some great ladies this morning, dinner and conversation with my parents on Wednesday, and lots of love and sweetness from my son and my husband. Seeing that list makes my infection not seem so bad!

Always something.

Update on the remainder of my week:

Wednesday I had an appointment with a new therapist. I was told to arrive 15 minutes early to fill out paperwork. I arrived early and no one was there until about 10 minutes after my appointment time. That was a huge turn off. Second turn-off was the décor. Way too much cutesy/ranch type of décor with an overload of essential oils. My third issue was her disagreeing with my internist about ending hormones at the five year mark. And the final issue was that my appointment ended at 45 minutes (and that included the time they were late and the paperwork was filled out), so in actuality my session was 20-25 minutes and cost my co-pay of $40. I did make a second appointment for November, but am not sure if she is the right fit. Maybe I should try a second go. I’m sure I will obsessively think that through. That same day I made a flu shot appointment for Roger. That was traumatic. We got the numbing patch and he still cried and screamed when the shot was administered.

Yesterday I took my husband to his endoscopy/colonoscopy procedure. One polyp was found and will be biopsied. They took other cultures to make sure nothing else is going on in there. He was very nervous but the general anesthesia seemed to have no affect on him after he woke up. For me, I am usually tired and I nap and then I’m up all night. He was up the remainder of the day and went to Roger’s hip hop class with me.

The beginning of the week I made a doctor’s appointment for my remaining cough and my stuffed right ear/popping ear. Today was my appointment and I was correct: I have an ear infection now. It is always something! Another round of antibiotics and, hopefully, all will be clear.

Back in the Saddle Again

Yesterday was my first day back at work. It was an 8 hour day. I took hourly breaks to walk and move my arms. During my lunch break, I did my 10 minute headspace meditation program and rested in bed an additional 10 minutes or so. After school, Roger had homework and then Occupational Therapy. After OT, we had our normal Chick-fil-A dinner and play date with his friend at our house. It was a long day, especially since part of my workload occurred between the 7 to 9 o’clock hours. I was very sore by the time I went to bed and woke up pretty sore too.

Today, I, again, took breaks and had my meditation/rest time during lunch. This afternoon will be pretty packed with Roger having a trial singing lesson at School of Rock, followed by his swimming lesson, followed by dinner at my parents house, followed by spelling homework, followed by showers/bed. I’m exhausted thinking about it! However, the routine and new 5 minutes-per-hour (in the morning) exercise schedule has put me in a better mood than I have been.

I am hoping my health, wellness, and recovery will flourish.

Today I am very hopeful.

A bit down

Today I woke up feeling down, just an overall feeling of sadness. I looked around the messy living room and felt unease. I really wanted to clean it all up but was lacking the energy. Also, I had plans for coffee with some friends. I reluctantly went to coffee, for when I am down I am not feeling social. It was a nice hour but I still felt down and tired when I left (despite the additional 16 ounces of coffee).

I keep wondering why I feel so down and today’s Headspace meditation had me realize one factor. Today, it was focusing on if you are feeling pain and I realized my intention through the meditation and during this sick leave was to recover and rejuvenate. I am still in pain through my arms, my entire back, and now my feet. With virtually weeks of rest, my body has not rejuvenated itself. It has actually worsened in some areas. I was hoping when I was to return to work I would feel better than when I had my last working day.

Still on Medical Leave

Everyday I have thought about updating my blog and everyday I am too exhausted to open the computer. The high allergens are not helping my activity level. Add to that the limited activity of the day and I am an achy zombie most of the day! I have not been consistently taking any pain medication (even OTC, especially due to the fact I am having a lumbar epidural next Wednesday). My sleep and energy levels are the same post-op as pre-op, which I am not very happy about. I have been sleeping alone downstairs and I still cannot get a consistent five hours of sleep per night. I have begun taking melatonin which makes me fall asleep quicker, but does not aide in any other way.

I don’t want this post to be all bah humbug, so I will note some positive changes I have been trying to make in the past couple weeks. I have been attempting daily meditation via the app Headspace. Secondly, I have started using MyFitnessPal app again, consistently. I have shed a couple of pounds but find it hard to lose weight if I try to eat more than 1200 calories, which is too restrictive for me. Hopefully when I can add some exercise in, that will help my endeavor of losing these 35 pounds I have gained in TX the past 4 years!

Next Thursday, I have my next appointment with my surgeon and am hoping I can go back to work part-time, at least. I am very bored but do not think I have the energy level for full-time work, yet.

Sunday, Glum Day

Well, I tried the hydrocodone with Benadryl to see if I could avoid the itchiness. It did not work, so I am taking 4 Advil every 8 hours or so. I slept much better last night due to the lack of itching and lack of repeated daytime naps. The day of surgery was like one long nap most of the day. Yesterday and today, I took only one afternoon nap.

The surgeon told Rob that my pain level would not increase from how I felt post-surgery. That’s not really been the case. Today my inner arm and elbow both feel like they’ve been cut open (which they have). Plus, my right shoulder feels wonky. It must be because of relying on my right arm these past few days. And, of course, when moving some Garbage Pail Kids, my left lumbar back went out/popped. I took muscle relaxers and put the heating pad on it, but it still hurts.

I attempted my first shower with a garbage bag arm and Rob waiting right outside. Who knew that a simple shower that is usually refreshing could wipe someone out so much!

Tomorrow is the first day of 1st grade and Rob’s last day home with me. Here’s hoping it is an easier day!

Twas the Night Before Surgery

Yes, tomorrow is the big day: ulnar nerve decompression and transposition. I haven’t written lately due to trying to get done as much as I can before surgery and before Roger’s first day of school on Monday. I have been so wrapped up in planning that I have not had much time to think about the surgery. That was until last night.

Last night, Roger woke me up around 1 am to move into his bed. After he woke me, I started calculating the amount of hours I had before my surgery. I was up the next two hours, consumed with thoughts of surgery. Thankfully, I fell asleep for a couple more hours before starting the day.

Anxious is the feeling of the day. Hopefully, that will soon pass, and the new feeling will be rested.

Ulnar nerve entrapment, 1st Opinion

Today, I had the first appointment with a surgeon to discuss my ulnar nerve entrapment. After a large packet of paperwork was completed, I was brought into the back by the nurse and/or surgeon’s assistant. He led me through a series of tests and questions (a lot that I had just answered in the pile of paperwork). After about 10 minutes, he said the doctor would be in. The doctor repeated a couple of the tests I had just done and really did not ask too much about symptoms. Maybe he read the paperwork! He said there were two options: 1) sleep in a brace to improve the symptoms, which would take roughly 3 months or 2) cubital tunnel release surgery. He said since the muscle in my hand is not atrophied, surgery is not the only option. I forgot how he worded it, but my retort was, “Well, I do not want to wait for atrophy to have the surgery”. He said since my nerve entrapment is severe, he recommends surgery but wanted to give me another option since some patients want to avoid surgery at any cost. He did not go into the details of the surgery at all. I had a few questions for him regarding the surgery and recovery. If I had not asked any questions, the appointment would have lasted maybe 3 minutes with him. I said I would like to schedule the surgery and he said, “My staff will come in to schedule, I’ll next see you at surgery”. Lack of bedside manner is an understatement.

From the get-go, I was a little hesitant of this appointment. When I left the pain doctor, she said I needed surgery and had 2 recommendations but knew my primary care physician would want to give her own referral. When my PCP’s office called to discuss the EMG and referral, the nurse said my doctor wanted to use this practice and the nurse saw there was a specialist in hand, wrist, elbow at the Flower Mound office. It was a recommendation for a practice, not a doctor. I still kept the appointment due to good online reviews of the surgeon (and would still use him, if need be). However, I reached out to my pain doctor for her recommendations and have a second opinion appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning. I am hoping to get a better vibe from this doctor. I know this surgery is inevitable, I would just like a surgeon who discussed it further with me, rather than me having to pry information out of them.

End of Week 9, Beginning of Week 10

The end of last week started Roger’s 7th birthday celebration. Thursday night he could not sleep because he was so excited for Friday night’s Queen concert. He was tossing and turning all night, sounding like he may be sick, and awoke at 4 am. That day his sitter was sick and he had to occupy himself while I worked. In the afternoon, we met his first grade teacher, looked around the classroom and around the school at some new things going on. He was even given a kit kat for that night and some M & Ms from his principal. He was thrilled, especially as she announced his birthday on the loudspeaker as we left the building. I had an afternoon dentist appointment, which the candy made Roger hyper for but he did well waiting for me. Luckily, I got him to take an hour nap before we left for the concert. He enjoyed the show and was very excited during “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” but starting crashing at 10:30 pm. However, when we got in the car, he perked up and fell asleep around 12:30. Unfortunately, he woke up at 6 am on Saturday for his birthday. Saturday was a pretty full day that started with gift opening. We also had our dogs’ obedience class, followed by lunch, a classmate’s birthday party, School of Rock, pizza and cake with my parents and his best friend, Amanda, and her family. Finally, he fell asleep around 9:30 pm and woke up at 7:30 am. He NEVER sleeps that late. It was amazing! Sunday was his formal 7th birthday party at Bach to Rock. It was the latest party we have had for him — ending at 4:30. We were exhausted afterwards. The birthday weekend ended with some lego play and Mooyah for dinner.

Last night an allergy attack woke me up around 4 am. To say that I am a little tired is an understatement. So, the start of my day was trying to fall back asleep followed by some Buzzfeed, mail, facebook, etc. For some reason starting a new week put my mood in a bit of a damper. In the past (even recent past), weekends seemed more stressful than weekdays. Possibly, that is due to the fact that I like structure. However, the past few weekends have relaxed me quite a bit. I was blaming some of my back/arm pain on lack of sleep. My pain levels have been pretty low Friday and Saturday which does not correlate with the lack of sleep. It doesn’t even correlate with stress levels. Setting up the house and the party are both stress factors for me, but neither aggravated my upper back/neck/head aches. This week I have my 3 important surgeon appointments while experiencing virtually no pain. My left arm was in a ton of pain last Thursday but that feels like a lifetime ago. My headaches have been very mild the past 1.5 weeks. I feel like my body is correcting itself before I make a commitment to surgery! Due to no known nerve damage, I am pretty sure I will not opt for neck surgery . The severe damage to my left arm nerve (assuming ulnar nerve entrapment) may force me to have surgery, pain being present or not. If the time allots, I will give a brief synopsis of my appointments Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

Medications

Yesterday, I felt some of the side effects of the migraine medication. First off, the neurologist told me I would be groggy in the morning. I usually am groggy, so I did not think it would be a big deal. However, that grogginess was present the whole day. I even had afternoon coffee and was exhausted. Another side effect I had was intense abdominal pain/cramps. That is seen as a severe side effect and may be caused due to an interaction with fluoxetine. That made the decision for me: I’d rather have these headaches than suffer the side effects. Usually my headaches are just annoying, like the constant ringing. I’d take that issue over the intense fatigue or increased fogginess (the side effect of the other medication he was going to prescribe). I also looked up the drug interactions between the muscle relaxer, anti-inflammatory, fluoxetine, and simvastatin. The muscle relaxer and fluoxetine have a severe interaction — can cause serotonin syndrome. Therefore, I have decided to forgo the muscle relaxer as well.

This morning Roger woke us up late — 7:30! I am virtually pain-free today in my neck area and right arm. My left arm has discomfort from the ulnar nerve issue. However, this may be a big indication for me to forgo ACDF surgery. I have the second opinion next week and, after our weekend away to Galveston, I will stop the anti-inflammatory to see how my body is feeling. I cannot be on an anti-inflammatory long-term, so if the pain is manageable sans medications, the surgery decision is made.

Week 9 of Summer

It seems like I miscounted the weeks in my previous blogs. We have entered week nine of summer. This has been a week of some resolutions: as per the neurologist, my chronic headaches are migraines and I started medication last night and, second, as per my pain management doctor, my EMG shows severe ulnar neuropathy with the recommendation of surgery on my left arm.

Upside of neurology appointment: he thinks the my migraines may be causing some of my back pain and, perhaps, the medication will lessen the pain (as well as stop the headaches). Also, he was not convinced ACDF surgery is necessary. He is the first professional who has given me that opinion. I have a thorough appointment regarding a formal second opinion of surgery with a neurosurgeon next Tuesday. After facing surgery for my elbow, I am hesitant about having a second surgery this year.

Next Wednesday, I have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon who specializes in the elbow, hand and wrist. His nurse told me that he is scheduled out about two weeks for surgeries. Hopefully, I can schedule a surgery sooner than later because the pain is worsening during the day, as well as the tingling during the night. It seems like those days off I was hoping for when Roger would be back to school are coming…although I did not want surgery to be the reason why!

Remainder of Week 6 and Week 7

Life has been completely overwhelming! That, actually, may be the biggest understatement I have made in a while. I do not do well with stress, so for others, these weeks may not seem like such a big deal, but for me they have been hellish!

Tuesday I was completely overwhelmed, but, as has been the case, blogging helped me snap out of it a bit. Also, my son graduated his level of swimming and went up to a level 4. Having a child with autism who has fears is a double whammy – we have tried lessons year after year, but putting his head under water ended each attempt. Now, he is constantly going under water. It is amazing to watch!

The remainder of my week was haunted by bad back and neck pain and headaches. I had several appointments: physical therapy, psychologist, and my orthopedic surgeon. As usual, my pain increased after having physical therapy and remained high through the weekend until Sunday. From this correlation, I decided to stop going to PT. It is no longer necessary, the doctor told me, unless it was helping. After 6 sessions, the pain was exacerbated. I had felt more at ease with my decision to have ACDF surgery as the doctor explained and answered my questions during my appointment. But I also made an appointment for a second opinion, since I do not want to rush into surgery.

I have an appointment next Monday for a neurologist. However, looking up my symptoms, my continuous headache sounds like a tension headache. I still need to find out if there is any other issue regarding the tinnitus and dizziness, as well. Tension is the key word of these past few months!

Yesterday, I had my EMG. The EMG was interesting, getting shocked by a mini car battery and then needles put in my arm, moving them, while pushing against the doctor’s hand on demand. I found out that I now have to go to a hand specialist due to a nerve that is very compressed/blocked in my elbow. Add those appointments to the roster! The upside: that was the only damaged nerve. Those results did not help me with the decision for ACDF surgery, as I had hoped, all it did was set me up for another potential surgery on my elbow. Great, more to obsess about!

Week 6 of Summer

Thus far, for me, summer is a bummer! I just can’t find my happy. I know I am being vague. I really don’t feel like writing but hoping it may get me a tad out of this bad mood. I felt pretty okay the end of last week. Saturday was very stressful for various reasons regarding our dogs and pain and workload and energy. However, Sunday I felt much better. Unfortunately, that feeling was fleeting.

This week began in a shambles. Monday I had a sitter for Roger, since there was no camp and no therapy that day. I felt like a prisoner in one room to get my work done. Yesterday, I also had physical therapy. It lasted longer than intended and I started stressing about all the time I am missing from work for all these therapies. This morning I woke up feeling much the same, stressed, tired, terrible headache and tinnitus that I just cannot ignore anymore. Again, I had another physical therapy appointment and, again, stressed over missing work time. The headaches and tinnitus are just so constant as of late. This headache must be at least a month old. The tinnitus is about a decade old but the volume of the past week has increased greatly. I feel like it is making me completely crazy. I am in such a bad mood all day long. I feel terrible for my son and husband, but especially for my son because he does not understand why I am in a bad mood so often. He asked my husband what was wrong with me on Saturday.

Today, I called my therapist and made an appointment for tomorrow (even more time to make up for work) and had a friend recommend a psychiatrist. I am getting so depressed as of late that I don’t want to keep sinking deeper. This calendar is filling up pretty quickly with more and more appointments. Now, I just have to figure out when I can have a full day of rest. I do not know if I can wait until the end of August!

Downer Update

I reposted yesterday’s blogs in some of the FB groups I belong to for cervical issues/ACDF surgery. I received a lot of acknowledgement of what I have been feeling and dealing with. I think venting helped my mood a bit. In the evening, I took my son to him swim lesson and went to the pool afterwards for 2 hours. My back was in lots of pain, but I did my new exercises from physical therapy that day after dinner.

This morning I woke up, again in pain, but feeling a bit more stable mentally/emotionally. I made a few decisions that I think were partly to blame for yesterday’s mood:

Do not try to start work before taking my son to camp. I was already feeling overwhelmed/stressed from the work emails before the day really began.
EAT before going to an 11 am physical therapy appointment. I only had 3 cups of coffee and water in the morning. As I was waiting to begin therapy, the hunger crept in.
Do my exercises first thing in the morning and after dinner (on days I have physical therapy). On days I do not have PT, add another set before picking Roger up from camp.

The exercises are hurting me and the pain is probably worse than before my first day back at physical therapy. The headache is a bit more intense as well. I will bring it up with her today.

This week and next are filled with appointments: Tuesday – PT, Wednesday – PT, Thursday – Internist, Friday – PT, Monday – Pain Management, Friday – Orthopedic Surgeon. PT wants me to come 3 times a week, so I am guessing that will fill my Tuesday – Thursday. I can only do one appointment a day due to work.

Another interesting thing occurred yesterday. I am not sure if it changed my mood for the better or had much of an effect at all. I was called to schedule my ACDF surgery. I am still unsure if I will have it and will see how therapy goes, as well as getting a second opinion. I scheduled it for October 19th, with my pre-op on October 4th and post-op on November 1st. Sounds like it’s so far away, but in actuality it is only 14 weeks. It is enough time to see what is working/what is not/and make an informed decision.

Downer Alert!

It’s hard to explain how I am feeling, as of late. I am moving through a heavy haze at all times. Due to my cervical issues, I have constant headaches so I have a constant pressure on my head. I have tinnitus that is constant. My eyelids feel so heavy at all times. My focus is completely gone. Each task feels so difficult and causes me so much stress. I am constantly reactive when doing these tasks. I have a sour expression on my face all the time. I feel completely antisocial. And I hate myself when I suffer through the small talk I must do on a daily basis. I need a break from everything but how does one do that? This summer is killing me. I cannot even figure out how to work all my hours in a week when I look at my schedule that now includes doctor and therapy appointments daily. After I let the dogs out earlier, I leaned my head against the wall and felt like I could stay like that all day and not move. Sometimes when I am working, I close my eyes for a few seconds and imagine falling asleep the rest of the day. However, it would not even be the rest of the day since these summer days are broken into chunks. I am utterly depressed. It is even hard to express how depressed I feel. I think when I had post-partum depression it was about at the severity it is now. I have a job, husband and child. I cannot just stop doing the daily routine, no matter how much I wish I could. This daily summer grind is killing me. Seven more weeks of summer break. I tell myself that I will take off a full-day of work when he is back at school, so I can rest/sleep all day. What do I do in the meantime? I am just so wiped out…

Monday, Not So Funday

Usually I love Monday’s. I get to get back into my work groove and my routine, which I love to be in. However, this morning, I had to have a work call with my boss first thing in the morning. The call was not stressful, but a small project was given to me for the day. As the call continued, work emails kept pouring in. On top of that, the dogs were barking on and off. Also, our dryer was being installed. I just felt so much stress. When I feel so much stress, I speed up my work and try to do hours and hours of work in a couple of hours. I become a tad crazy about the workload and try to complete it as quickly as possible.

I do not feel accomplished today. Instead I wonder why do I do this to myself. There was no time frame to finish the project but I put all this weight on myself to do a good job in an efficient manner. That is the worker they hired. I still work at that fast speed but now my head spins in the process.

This cycle of back pain – headache – depression – lack of sleep – utter exhaustion – lack of focus/concentration is burying me in a big hole that I don’t know how to dig out of. Also, my allergies have been making a comeback although it is not high allergy season. I wonder if my immune system is crushed under all this. I feel so hopelessly BLAH.

I start physical therapy tomorrow and hope that will start some good cycle. Secondly, next Monday I have an appointment with the pain doctor and am hoping that will help as well. I contemplate seeing a new therapist who may not be so much of a cheerleader but give me a kick in the butt, but right now I do not know if I could deal with that. I may have to physically feel better before I start feeling better mentally. Or should I work on both at the same time? With it being summer, I do not have many extra hours to work with to go to doctor’s/therapist’s appointments every day.

My poor husband has to deal with the brunt of my anger/grumpiness. I unleash it all on him. After I do or when I am alone, I realize what a terror I have become and feel so guilty. Yet, the next flare up, I do the same. I hope he realizes how much I love him and appreciate his support!

Week 5 of Summer

Due to July 4th and a week with no camps, I did not write about the 5th week of Summer. It was a difficult week pain-wise — probably one of my most grueling in quite some time. Monday, I had my MRI and decided to track down all my past MRIs for copies. I am still trying to see if I am able to get my ones from NYC, but that may not happen. It was interesting reading over the results and seeing the number of MRIs I have gotten since 20414!

If not for Roger’s enthusiasm of July 4th, I would have stayed home that day in bed! However, he had so much fun swimming at a friend’s house, playing with sparklers and watching fireworks. Although enjoying the company of friends, I was thinking about my bed all during the fireworks…

Thursday of last week, Roger had a lot of dental procedures done — 2 crowns, 3 fillings and 4 sealants. In the past we have tried (very unsuccessfully) laughing gas and the cocktail for pediatric procedures. This time I opted for full-on anesthesia. He did well through the procedures which ended up including pulling his two front teeth. I was nervous to see how he would react to that. When he roused, he was very sad (as predicted) and very out of it. My heart went out to him. Such a little boy! Luckily, the nurse carried him to the car. Unfortunately, I realized that I would have to carry this 70 pound boy from the garage up three stairs and into the bedroom. I did not think he would be incapable of grabbing onto me to help with the carry. Getting him out of the booster seat was an ordeal. I asked him to hold onto me, but he could not comprehend nor seem to have any strength to do so. I don’t know how, but I ended up lifting him off the floor of the garage and managed to get him onto the bed without dragging him.

He was sad for a long time and tired too. However, he could not fall back asleep. He just laid in bed staring at the ceiling. Eventually, we started watching Diary of a Wimpy Kid and he started waking up more. His sitter came by and I asked her to run a couple of errands, since he did not want to see her. My foresight was not great, so we needed some soft foods like jello. Also, I could not leave Roger’s side, so I asked her to walk the dogs. After that, Roger wanted to be with the sitter, was sitting up and happy, had some jello, and was excited about the tooth fairy. He handled the whole situation so well. I am so proud of him.

My back, on the other hand, did not handle that carry very well. I was in excruciating pain on Friday. I hoped to do something easy with Roger, like go to the movies, but my back wanted me to remain home. Seeing him almost fall asleep during a couple of errands made me realize he, too, still needed the rest.

Yesterday and today, my back still aches and I have realized that I cannot wait the two weeks to see the back doctor before getting some muscle relaxers or a good anti-inflammatory. Tomorrow, I will call pain management physician and see if she has an earlier appointment. Tuesday I start physical therapy and hope that will help but, from what I recall, that takes time too.

Here’s hoping week 6 ends up less painful!

Pain in the Back

This morning I went to my back doctor. The picture of the human body where you are supposed to show the areas that are hurting all had little marks all over it from me. However, the nurse told me that the way it works, despite having various degrees of pain from neck to tailbone, is starting with the area with the most severe pain. That would be my neck/cervical area.

I have such little movement looking down or side to side. I have to turn my back to look over my shoulder when driving. I have had pain radiating down my arms going on months now. I have had 2 epidural shots at the end of 2015 and mid 2016. The first did nothing to help the pain. The second caused excruciating pain down my arms that I had to take extra medication for. I have tried physical therapy and chiropractic sessions for months. So, I had to go full circle back to the orthopedic doctor.

Today, I had new xrays of my neck taken. I have cervical spondylosis in C5 through C7, pretty severely. Normally, he says, he would recommend epidural shots and PT to start. Since neither helped and it has been an issue for so many years, he said surgery is my best bet. According to the surgeon, it is a pretty simple surgery: For this procedure, he will make an incision in the throat and movs the windpipe and esophagus aside to get to the cervical spine. He then removes the discs, replacing them with bone grafts or artificial implants. It is a one night hospital stay and 6 week recovery. It sounds gruesome to me!

The pain down my arms is getting more severe, more painful, and more frequent. Also, my fingers fall asleep each night numerous times all do to pinching nerves. This seems the best solution. Since the recovery time is so long, I have opted to wait until the end of the summer to get the surgery, so we can still go swimming a lot. In the meantime (once insurance okays it), I will be getting an MRI, Physical Therapy, and a lumber epidural injection.