bipolar – Spinning Wheels

Tuesday, Tuesday

Well, today started out very stressful. I had a half dozen phone calls with my boss prior to 9:30 am. I was in a constant stream of work until noon. I got up at 10 to the hour each hour when my Fitbit told me I took zero of my 250 steps each hour. After my lunch break, things settled down to a more manageable pace until the end of the work day. Today, Rob picked Roger up from camp and I got to take a long, extremely hot shower. I love showers that my skin is pink/red for a good 20 minutes afterwards.

Today we met a reading comprehension tutor at the Lewisville Library. It is hard to discuss the needs of tutoring when your son is at grade level. However, as many kids in his class started the year at lower levels than him, they have progressed to his level 6 months later. Roger is still at the same level he started the school year at. He is a great reader but I think his downfall may not be comprehension but attention. His long-term sub thinks it is lack of interest v. comprehension. How can you teach a kid to be interested, pay attention and focus on books that have zero interest to him? The only books he is interested in are biographies.

Of course, he aced the tutoring session and she said she would reach out to interventionists in elementary school for suggestions. She is a dyslexic interventionist in middle school. She gave me pointers but I told her that he will do these things for me. He is a people-pleaser for everyone except me and my husband. At home he fights about doing any homework. I could never homeschool. This child would be determined not to learn anything from me.

After his session, we went to the biography section of the children’s library and Roger chose books on Michael Jackson, Bruno Mars, Prince, Louis Armstrong, John Cena, The Rock, and Chuck Close. The Chuck Close book was one I showed him — truly an amazing artist and a fantastic children’s book. We also got Roger his own library card and he checked out his own books. He was thrilled.

Afterwards we had a nice dinner at Red Robin. That restaurant is never my choice but I know Roger really loves it and he’s been such an awesome boy lately. I had a nice libation there and two godiva chocolates at home. That made my mood better. However, I do not want alcohol or food to be my stress reliever…Although relaxed, I decided to jump on the stationary bike and blog while riding. Not as yummy, but enjoyable too!

Big Ball of Stress

Achieving balance is what most people are striving for – or at least I am. However, at this time in my life, I view everything as stressful. Work is stressful, cleaning is stressful, trying to find time to exercise is stressful, eating healthy is stressful, getting Roger ready for school/camp/bed/classes/therapy is stressful, playing with Roger is stressful, trying to fall asleep at night is stressful. BUT doing nothing is the most stressful of all for I think of everything I should be doing.

I think I have forgotten how to relax. What is the first step? How do you train yourself to relax? It really pisses me off when I see others relaxing while I am stressing out.

I also think I have forgotten how to have fun. It takes a lot to make me smile or genuinely enjoy myself. It wasn’t until The Dead Milkmen were actually onstage playing that I enjoyed that night.

I genuinely feel bad for my son and my husband. I want to have fun. I want to let go. Will a brain swap work?

Any tips or advice appreciated (just comment).

Last week and new beginnings this week

Last week was a really tough week. My mood was incredibly low, as was my patience. There were many stressors in regards to deliveries, appointments, and feedback (or lack thereof) in regards to Roger’s academic progress. My week was filled with many thoughts all over the place and total lack of focus.

Today I have decided to try and get back into the swing of things. This is a theme of my life: out-of-whack week followed by an in-focus week (or attempt to that). So, today I have focused on work, exercise, my weekly schedule (and Roger’s), and some laundry and garbage chores.

Today, I had a podiatrist appointment (I need orthotics due to some feet issues). He politely stressed that I need to be healthier. I couldn’t agree more. I am hoping my motivation can remain. It comes and goes so quickly!

I have a new therapist appointment on Friday of this week. She is a “psychotherapist”. I am not sure how different that is from the counseling I have received in the past. I hope this time I “click” with the therapist. I always do some on-line research when I make appointments. On FB, I saw that she “liked” the God Delusion, so that is a positive to me!

Happy Monday

I absolutely love Mondays and will always try to choose not to make any Monday appointments. I get back into my groove on Mondays. I get back into the swing of work, get back to my days alone, get back to my food and exercise regime. Mondays are great for me.

Last week ended with me completely worn out from my first week back at work. I hope this week I am not so wiped by the time the weekend comes. I was an absolute nightmare to be around yesterday morning! Depression, anxiety and stress were the key words. Today, I am a cheery lady. Hmm, maybe we should not discount that bipolar diagnosis!

Week 6 of Summer

Thus far, for me, summer is a bummer! I just can’t find my happy. I know I am being vague. I really don’t feel like writing but hoping it may get me a tad out of this bad mood. I felt pretty okay the end of last week. Saturday was very stressful for various reasons regarding our dogs and pain and workload and energy. However, Sunday I felt much better. Unfortunately, that feeling was fleeting.

This week began in a shambles. Monday I had a sitter for Roger, since there was no camp and no therapy that day. I felt like a prisoner in one room to get my work done. Yesterday, I also had physical therapy. It lasted longer than intended and I started stressing about all the time I am missing from work for all these therapies. This morning I woke up feeling much the same, stressed, tired, terrible headache and tinnitus that I just cannot ignore anymore. Again, I had another physical therapy appointment and, again, stressed over missing work time. The headaches and tinnitus are just so constant as of late. This headache must be at least a month old. The tinnitus is about a decade old but the volume of the past week has increased greatly. I feel like it is making me completely crazy. I am in such a bad mood all day long. I feel terrible for my son and husband, but especially for my son because he does not understand why I am in a bad mood so often. He asked my husband what was wrong with me on Saturday.

Today, I called my therapist and made an appointment for tomorrow (even more time to make up for work) and had a friend recommend a psychiatrist. I am getting so depressed as of late that I don’t want to keep sinking deeper. This calendar is filling up pretty quickly with more and more appointments. Now, I just have to figure out when I can have a full day of rest. I do not know if I can wait until the end of August!

Good Morning, 44

Yesterday I was in such a foul mood all day that I had mentally prepared to write this blog about my 43rd year. I will still write the intended post but I am not in quite the same sour mood I was when contemplating it.

I kept questioning why I was so depressed yesterday. Was 44th the hard birthday for me? People had said 40 would be hard but was not for me. I was looking forward to my 40’s. Why was turning 44 so depressing? Then the realization was that last year was a hard year for me.

Physically, I had (have) issues with my back and had some other instances that I had to go to the doctor and, in one instance, the ER. Hormonally, this year was utter chaos. My testosterone levels went from non-existent to way too much and the physical ramifications of that are still rearing it’s ugly head: body acne and body hair growth. These were two issues I have never had in the past 43 years. I had inquired at the OB/GYN how long I should remain on hormones (read 5 years). They pretty much told me I could remain on them forever. When I told my internist, she adamantly said 5 years maximum. Since we decided to stop the pellet for 6 months due to the side effects, that means I shall remain hormone-free due to my 5 year anniversary of my hysterectomy is 2018. Mentally/emotionally the testosterone made me more edgy and still is as I have to wait for all the excess testosterone to exit my system. Besides the Biote hormone pellet, my 43rd year was full of medications for depression/bipolar/anxiety and allergies, as well as supplements. I, with the help of my therapist, nutritionist and internist, have decided to wean off the majority of the medications. Currently, my roster is fluoxetine, Zyrtec, multivitamin, probiotic, and vitamin D3. I have cut out about 10 medications/supplements.

My 43rd year had been a year that I have dealt with being my most unhealthy self. I have made small steps to try rectifying it but not consistently so. In addition, 43 was a year of added stress: Roger entering public school, my mother’s surgery, a short stint of returning to grad school, the passing of Snuffles, other family issues, etc. Don’t get me wrong, there have been positives (mainly on the Roger front in regards to progress/growth). However, I do not think I have allowed myself time for grief and that is why a low mood has persisted. Is it too late to grieve? How can one force oneself to grieve appropriately? Does one just move past it and say hello to the new day/the new year and push through? So many thoughts as I enter year 44…

Not maintaining under maintenance

Today, I had two doctor’s appointments: the nutritionist followed by the chiropractor. I will start with the easier of the two — the chiropractor. When I began going to this practitioner, he set up a 15-visit schedule that would culminate with a maintenance schedule. Today would begin the talk of maintenance. However, Monday my back was in really bad shape. I hurt going through my normal daily routine. Today my back was still quite stiff. Clearly, I do not want to “maintain” this level!

The nutritionist appointment was very thorough and a lot to wrap my head around. We talked about my LEAP results, my current medication, and my feelings about the process. Due to weaning off of gabapentin, she thinks I should start once that is clear from my system. My last day of taking gabapentin will be next Wednesday night. I have a field trip to attend with my son on Thursday, so I will delve into it next Friday or the following Monday (at the latest). This also gives me time to wean off of coffee/caffeine. That shall be the most difficult part: reactive to caffeine, coffee and tea.

During the appointment, we discussed allergy shots. Her son has been on shots about a year longer than I. We are both on a maintenance schedule. I have been having almost nightly (very early morning) allergy attacks and I, overall, feel flu-like. I am considering discontinuing the shots. They have to add epinephrine to each shot so my reaction isn’t as extreme as it was in the past. I still swell and itch, though. I guess a visit to my allergy doctor to discuss should be in my near future.

Am I doomed not to maintain under maintenance?

The results are in.

My LEAP blood results as well as the battery of blood tests my PCP/Internist gave me are in. I will start with my regular bloodwork. Basically, there were two areas that I have high scores in (YAY!). One was EOS which I googled and found means the following: Eosinophilia (e-o-sin-o-FILL-e-uh) is a higher than normal level of eosinophils. Eosinophils are a type of disease-fighting white blood cell. This condition most often indicates a parasitic infection, an allergic reaction or cancer. I will gather that it has to do with my allergic reactions to life, in general. The nurse did not discuss, but I gather my marks weren’t high enough to investigate further. The second is my testosterone level from hormone replacement therapy. Normal range is 8-48 and my level is 217. Well, that explains a lot — the body acne, the hair, the wonderful, quick-to-anger mood, the constant hunger and weight gain, the overall GROSSNESS. Unfortunately, all I can do is wait for the testosterone to leave my body which can take 3-6 months. I will be doing follow-up bloodwork in 2 months.

The LEAP results are a little more complex and I formally get to discuss with my nutritionist tomorrow. I am reactive to almost all foods and, GASP, caffeine! It shall be a big lifestyle change, but I need it. My allergies will be the death of me, otherwise. I am least reactive to: peach, cranberry, mushroom, spinach, white potato, millet, cocoa, vanilla, mint, carob, pecan, peanut, pinto beans, and potassium nitrate. That should make for an interesting meal plan. I am most reactive to: barley, caffeine, cashew, celery, codfish, corn, cow’s milk, goat’s milk, grape, green pea, msg, paprika, parsley, rice, saccharine, sesame, sodium sulfite, sorbic acid, strawberry, tapioca, tea, tilapia, tomato, walnut, and yellow squash. We have to slowly add members of the above family of food to see if I am reactive to them as well. The test, obviously, does not cover every food in existence. I am most sad about caffeine and tea. I don’t think I can totally drop coffee all together, but definitely need to wean the amount I currently intake.

I am looking forward to tomorrow’s discussion and will keep you posted.

Baby Steps

Such big plans I had with my “45 for 45”. I do still plan to work on health improvement but taking a slightly different approach. The past month I have been reassessing my health and allergies. I am allergic to most everything environmental (barring some strains of mold, horse dander, and roaches). If I am allergic to trees, grass, etc., I must have food sensitivity. I have met twice with a nutritionist. The first time was to set simple goals for stress relief, adding vegetables/fiber to current diet, replacing afternoon coffee with tea, and taking Epsom salt baths. The second meeting was to discuss my horrific allergies. I take two types of allergy medicine and have been on 3 maintenance allergy shots for about 2 years now. They are not making a dent. I figure I must be adding to my misery by eating certain foods. Although reading pro and con articles on the subject, I decided to have LEAP bloodwork. My allergist’s office also gives the test, which is not covered by insurance, for double the cost and ONE follow-up appointment. The nutritionist says it takes much more than one follow-up since, in addition to the bloodwork, we will be testing other foods by adding them slowly back into my diet. I hope to have my results back by the beginning of May. I can just picture EVERYTHING in the red category (meaning highly reactive).

Yesterday, I made an appointment with my primary care physician/internist to discuss my medication list and the side effects I am having. In other words, I made the appointment because I feel gross. I am on hormones due to my oophorectomy/hysterectomy. The testosterone has given me terrible body acne and body hair growth. Neither of which I have ever had to deal with in my 43 years. I am also very inpatient and quick to anger. Well, those I have had to deal with in my 43 years. My other medications all tend to have the side effect of fatigue and insomnia. I get roughly 4-5 hours of sleep per night and am dragging all day. That does not give me much motivation, focus, or acuity. We have decided to reduce my supplements to only a handful (Multi-vitamin, Calcium, D3, B12 shots, and probiotic), replace Zyrtec with Xyzal, and taper off Gabapentin. I may also decide to taper off Singulair, Fluoxetine and Simvastatin.

Lastly, I bought a FitDesk for downstairs. With the new puppies, I can no longer ride the bike upstairs without doggies under my feet. In the living room, they will stay on the couch while I ride and work. I received the bike on Tuesday, built it with the help of my husband Tuesday night, and have ridden it Wednesday, Thursday and Friday for 45-50 minutes each day. I have hopes to, eventually, add other exercise to my routine, but baby steps!

First day of kindergarten

Many sleepless nights and many years of therapy have led to today…

There are so many racing thoughts that it’s hard for me to put them into words. I am so proud of my kiddo for all of his hard work. Today, we walked to school and he was full of happiness. He did confess yesterday that he was a little bit scared. It is such a big change.

I felt overwhelmed and in sensory overload entering the packed elementary school. I cannot even imagine how he may have felt. I was relieved when his friend from pre-K arrived in the classroom. From the videos posted throughout the day, it seems like the two of them have been attached at the hip.

I hope sleep comes easier tonight and that all is good in public kinder.

Bumpy.

Thankfully, today I do not feel as FLAT as yesterday. There are some bumps today. This is odd because last night was my worst night’s sleep in weeks.

Do I function better with terrible sleep? Is that my normal? I was able to straighten up parts of the house and do some loads of laundry. I was even able to paint my nails. How much I’ve accomplished!

I am glad to have some of my glimmer back. It’s been long overdue.

Flat.

My mood is flat. My temperament is flat. I am not my usual bubbly self. Okay, so I may not normally be bubbly but compared to my current disposition…

My therapist said she has never seen me so “meh”. She thinks that although fluoxetine was enough in the past, that post-hysterectomy me may need an additional medication. She fears my blah may turn into full-out depression. She suggests adding Wellbutrin/Buproprin. I agree with her.

I left a voicemail with my physician.

End of post. Flat.

Today

Today life seems overwhelming.

I do not, necessarily, have a long to-do list for today, per se. It is my life’s to-do list which is overwhelming me.

Why do I start obsessing over tomorrow or next week or next month or next year?

Perhaps the steroids I am taking for my rash are not helping. My heart is racing a bit and I am sure they have something to do with that. Only three more days and, hopefully, they will start weaning from my body.

Short blog = too many thoughts (and not one to truly focus on).

Start and stop and start and…so on

Over the past few days, I have been trying to write a new blog post but unable to do so. The thoughts get a bit jumbled. It all sounds flat. Today I hope to get at least a coherent thought out “on paper”.

As has been a topic of several old posts, my medications have had to change once again. Sunday, I awoke with a full-body rash. To put it lightly, it was a little disarming. I called my psychiatrist (voicemail) and my physician (voicemail number 2). As I was panicking and feeling itchier by the minute, I missed my doctor’s return call. She told me to stop my lamotrigine and talk to my psychiatrist on Monday, take Benadryl, and go to urgent care for steroid shots if the rash was bad. Due to the vastness of the rash, I decided to head to urgent care.

Once seen by the doctor, I was immediately diagnosed with a drug rash. However, they could not be certain if the rash was caused by the lamotrigine (which has a severe warning for rashes) or the sulfa- antibiotic I was taking (also known for rashes). Since I started both at similar times, they told me to end both, gave me a new antibiotic to start and told me, once again, to talk to both of my doctors the following morning. I also got the parting gift of two steroid shots (one that would act immediately and one that was long acting).

In addition to stopping the lamotrigine, I decided to stop taking the Abilify I was weaning off of when increasing the lamotrigine. That leaves me taking 20 mg of fluoxetine daily. While living in California, I was only taking the fluoxetine, exercising, eating healthy, and was in great spirits.

The move to Texas, the full-hysterectomy, and the stressors of life affected me greatly. My therapist and I do not believe I require the strong prescriptions the psychiatrist has been suggesting and supports my decision to only take fluoxetine for the time being (while adding exercise and healthy habits). I have had severe weight gain from all these psychiatric meds as well, which does not help one who suffers from depression.

I am ready to shed most of the meds with the help of my therapist, doctor, and support system. I am also ready to shed some of this weight!

Focus back on me

It’s been about a week since my last post and it’s hard to blog after the hiatus.

To begin with, we went to Oklahoma City for the weekend. Due to the incredibly high temps, we mainly visited museums: The Toy/Action Figure Museum, the Banjo Museum, the Osteology Museum, and the Oklahoma City National Monument and Museum. I feel like a cloud of sadness has surrounded me since visiting. There are too many emotions to put into words, so I will let that be.

On a lighter note, I returned with a bad thumb infection. The infection and mega-antibiotics made me quite sick for a few days’ time. Nothing seemed to matter except rest and getting Roger taken care of. I even took time off of work, which is a rarity. Yesterday, the doctor had to take “thumb matters” into her own hands (punster). She got the infection out of my thumb and I am feeling much better today. Yesterday, nausea followed the infection extraction.

Today, I have been trying to clear the clutter of work and my neglected house. Clutter makes me unfocused and unhappy. Perhaps today’s organization will shrink that cloud of sadness.

Focus off me

I’ve been focusing these posts so much on me that I have neglected to write about the person that led me to blog to begin with, my son. It is nearing his sixth birthday and I feel like changes in him are occurring daily.

It’s amazing how far he has advanced in the past month. He will have (somewhat) reciprocal conversations, tell you his feelings and ask about yours, answer questions directed to him or even not directed to him (ie, the TV), and he now sleeps in his bedroom alone!!! We are still in the prize stage of sleeping alone (which can be equated to prize stage for potty training). I did tell him that the prizes will start to occur less frequently. However, it seems the biggest prize for him is 1) waking me up once his clock tells him it is OK to and 2) having just the 2 of us watch TV up in his room in the morning.

The speed at which the switch over to “independent” sleeping mimics his switch from pull-ups to potty training. It took YEARS to occur but the final push was quick. Geez, that mimics my labor too.

Now, our big issue is to find other things to work on in ABA. Poor us! (sarcasm)

Optimism trickling in

Things are falling into place and optimism is trickling in. Although by nighttime, my optimism tends to fly out the window.

Today, I had a therapy appointment with an amazing therapist and a fantastic individual. I discussed my involvement on the SEPTSA board (Special Education PTSA), my plans to volunteer at Roger’s elementary school, my work projects, and my plans to delay, or not even seek, my graduate degree. However, my therapist believes I can do all of the above. I may have to lower my expectations (choose to get B’s in school so I can still focus on my family and interests). Even though, wholeheartedly accepting a B seems quite a stretch for me, I do think I am going to exercise the thinking that I will try my best but do not want to neglect all other areas of life.

Though I had a troubled night sleep due to the above worries and the possibility that the decaf I ordered yesterday was actually caffeinated coffee, I am feeling refreshed, renewed, and optimistic.

I felt overwhelmed this morning but feel READY this afternoon!

Anxiety

Right now I am feeling incredibly anxious. What is the source of my anxiety: lack of sleep from a son entering my twin bed (co-sleep in son’s room but in different beds) around midnight through seven this morning; worry about my father’s surgery tomorrow; signing up for a Mother’s Night Out when I get socially awkward around a group of people; volunteering for the Autism Education Summit when I am now worried it may be too biomedical for me; spending money on a new dining room set; the combination of all those listed above?

I know it is silly to worry about such menial things (barring the surgery), but that is part of my diagnosis and one aspect of my personality that I am working on being more even keel.

Now, I am feeling quite anxious because I have nothing to write about…perhaps tomorrow my thoughts will not be as scattered. Stay tuned!

Steroid shot

A topic I really wanted to discuss with my psychiatrist was if I should cancel my Cervical Epidural Steroid shot. I was done with steroids. But my psychologist felt this may be different than oral steroids.

My psychiatrist reassured me that since the shot is localized and not systemic that I should not have the systemic reactions I had while orally taking steroids. However, if it does occur (very slim chance) to call her immediately.

Well, today was the day. I decided to have anesthesia due to my anxiety and vasovagal. It put me to sleep immediately until they rudely awakened me about 30 minutes later. I was hoping to remain sleepy all day in bed. Unfortunately, I seem to react as my son does to being sedated: a surge of energy and inability to sleep. This is not the first time for me.

The night of my hysterectomy I was washing dishes and putting things away. Today after trying to relax in bed for about an hour, I decided to work for 3 hours. After more struggling, I finally fell asleep for barely an hour. Now, again, instead of sleeping I am typing blogs.

Fingers crossed this is not the steroids and that I do not have Roid Rage for Thanksgiving!

Dental implants = steroid mania

A few weeks ago I went to a pain specialist due to my chronic back issues. When deciding on when to book the appointment, I told her the following week I was having dental implants and will be taking steroids and antibiotics. I later commented that I had bipolar when discussing current medications. She then forewarned me of the issues that taking steroids on bipolar can have: whirling into mania.

It worried me, of course, but was glad to be fully aware of what may happen and warn those around me. However, being aware could not stop my rages. Unfortunately, my mania consists of becoming extremely irritable and angry. It lasted longer than the five days of the regimen. I didn’t feel like myself, detested myself, vowed to never take steroids again under any circumstances, and could not wait for the cycle to end.

After about 1.5 weeks, the mania started to subside. I was glad to have both my appointments with my psychologist and psychiatrist when the weening began. The bright side was being able to reflect on other past episodes that I never understood as being mania.

It was a week and a half of hell but also of self-awareness.

Funky day

I don’t know what’s being pumped into our house today but we are all in crappy moods. Roger is whining over EVERYTHING and I’m extremely irritable which is a great combination as his whining is pushing me over the edge. I try to put on a smile and act cheery but then I get in a funk again.

I was hoping that writing may give me a revelation or turn my mood around. However, I realize now that I no longer feel like writing.

Life with bipolar.

Weight…wait…life

My initial post was going to be about weight gain on my new medication. How I gained 4 pounds in the past month. My increased appetite with the increase in dosage. And how that shouldn’t matter because I am feeling in better mental/emotional health.

A phone call this morning made the weight issue seem not so important. One of my cousins passed away last night in an accident. I do not need to go into details related to the accident. Unfortunately, her mother has lost her husband and, now, both of her children. One of my first thoughts confirmed one of my beliefs that there is no god. Some people do heinous things and live a full lifetime. Some people destroy their bodies with drugs/alcohol/other substances and live long lives. Others pass away too soon having done nothing but live.

I’m not going to start preaching appreciate the life you have and those in it…although I did tell my husband to do so before he left for the movies with my son. I guess the point of this post (if there must be a point) is we focus on things so non-important such as weight while we need to change our focus to trying to be happy in our life. If that requires therapy, like it does for me, do it. Don’t feel stigmatized. I have felt happier (or more even keel) in the past 3 days while still getting into some tiffs with my husband than I have in the past 3 years. It takes awareness and work, but it is worth it. Do it while you can!

Waiting

Today has been a day of waiting and wading through awful weather. I have gone to three back-to-back doctor appointments. Well, in actuality, I am still in the waiting room for the third. I am an inpatient person and have handled the waiting in stride. That last statement is conditional on the length of this wait.

You may be thinking: 3 doctor’s appointments in one morning…how old are you? Well, I’m 42. Although I sometimes feel ancient, I am not. My first appointment was my psychiatrist who is very cut and dry. Although this past week has been pretty even-keeled, I did have a few manic episodes in the past 3 weeks. Unlike the euphoria some bipolar have during mania, mine is filled with anxiety and irritability and obsessive thoughts. My meds were increased again and I am hopeful that will work better.

My second appointment was for my weekly allergy shots. It’s not an official appointment, but puts a dent of 45 minutes in my day. I have had severe allergies since I was little. When I lived in NYC, I finally decided to have shots, since medication did not work. However, after 10 months, I had an anaphylactic reaction and stopped them til about a year ago. Again, my allergies were making my life unlivable and my therapist urged me to try them again. I had the test and found out I was allergic to EVERYTHING except horse dander, cockroaches, and some strands of mold. I get 3 shots a week and have been doing much better.

My third appointment is the back doctor. I have had chronic back issues for the past 10 years, the worst being in my neck. I know a lot of that area has to do with stress, as well as degenerative and herniated discs and pinched nerves. I am still waiting for my 10:45 appointment. Only about 30 minutes late. However, this blog has kept me level. I’ll see if I go off the deep end now that I’m done!

How many days is today?

I don’t know about the rest of the world but, for me, one day can feel like several disjointed days. Maybe it is because it begins so early and chaotically. Maybe because I have to make shifts between my jobs. Maybe because we are overscheduled. Maybe because I am exhausted from a lack of sleep and too many things on my mind.

Whatever the reason, today feels like I’m on part 2 right now. This morning was a lengthy parent-teacher meeting. They are very helpful, listen attentively and have great input. After the meeting, I decided to make a doctor’s appointment for Roger. He has had a cough for about a week that is so terrible at night that we are all sleeping horribly. I don’t think he was sick, but I wanted to double-check since he is scheduled for an endoscopy next week. I called from the school parking lot and scheduled a 10:45 appt. It was 9:15 in Grapevine which is roughly 30-40 minutes from our house in Highland Village. Instead of pulling him that early, I got some coffee downtown and picked him up a little after 10. The doctor reassured he is all good to go with the endoscopy and prescribed a nasal allergy medicine. She believes his coughing may be so severe due to his reflux issues. A quick run to Five Below for a transformer for being such a good boy (his words) and we headed home. Thankfully, my parents were able to watch him this afternoon, so I could enter part two of my day.

We arrived home minutes before my folks arrived. I was trying to bring all of our junk in from the car, get Snuffles outside to go potty, open Roger’s new toys, get a cup of coffee, take out the smelly trash, start laundry, etc. My parents always get to see me under a mountain of stress. A mountain of stress from just doing normal chores. However, I try to do all these things in ten minutes or less. I get frazzled, inpatient, snappy, pissed off, and super sensitive. Getting into my work flow actually calms me and gets me back into my routine. Clearly my Aspergers loves routines and gets upset when my routine is upset (as it was this morning).

Part three of my day will occur after my work shift. It usually consists of picking up Roger, going to therapy, getting his dinner ready and the bedtime/bathtime routine, and a quick interaction with my husband. Tonight, my parents are taking him to therapy (so I can make up work hours) and will be making dinner at their house.

I know I am lucky to have my parents available….and, yes, I did apologize for my earlier demeanor with them!

New direction

Over the past few weeks, I have tried to be very cognizant of my feelings/emotions/ups and downs. In doing so, I have been too anxious to blog out of fear of opening myself up to people and criticism. That is one reason I have decided to remove my blog from FaceBook. Those who choose to read about me have to actively do so.

Another reason I have not blogged is because I fear of sounding just depressed all the time. Always doom and gloom…who wants to read that?! However, if I only blog when I am happy that does not create the full picture of what I am experiencing.

Starting today I am (hoping) to blog daily. I know sometimes life throws a curveball, but I am hoping journaling will actually aide me in this journey of mine into treating my bipolar depression.

I am supposed to keep tabs on how my medication is helping, if it is helping, what my mood cycles look like, etc. This is the note I have been keeping on my iPhone since my last psychiatric appointment on October 2nd:
Highly irritable 10/2-10/5
Lost patience with son
Ice pick headache 10/2 through 10/6
Depressed 10/3; Happier 10/4; Stressed but neutral 10/5
Depressed week of 10/13 (what happened to the week in between — who knows?!)
Great day with my son 10/12.
So much stress. Obsessing over ACA plans and next year’s schooling.
October 15th very happy and productive
Woke up 10/16 and 10/17 miserable. In bad moods both days. 10/17 angry as f*ck at my husband (going to exclude the rest of that comment)
10/19 Obsessive all last week. Today I am not at all. Pretty ok today.

I shall continue my list with 10/20 being a pretty good and productive today. Today, I woke up gloomy/tired/foggy like the weather but I have “snapped” out of that a bit and am starting to feel productive and neutral.

Well, there goes my last 3 weeks! I see my psychiatrist on Friday and will fill her in as well.