depression – Page 3 – Spinning Wheels

Remainder of Week 6 and Week 7

Life has been completely overwhelming! That, actually, may be the biggest understatement I have made in a while. I do not do well with stress, so for others, these weeks may not seem like such a big deal, but for me they have been hellish!

Tuesday I was completely overwhelmed, but, as has been the case, blogging helped me snap out of it a bit. Also, my son graduated his level of swimming and went up to a level 4. Having a child with autism who has fears is a double whammy – we have tried lessons year after year, but putting his head under water ended each attempt. Now, he is constantly going under water. It is amazing to watch!

The remainder of my week was haunted by bad back and neck pain and headaches. I had several appointments: physical therapy, psychologist, and my orthopedic surgeon. As usual, my pain increased after having physical therapy and remained high through the weekend until Sunday. From this correlation, I decided to stop going to PT. It is no longer necessary, the doctor told me, unless it was helping. After 6 sessions, the pain was exacerbated. I had felt more at ease with my decision to have ACDF surgery as the doctor explained and answered my questions during my appointment. But I also made an appointment for a second opinion, since I do not want to rush into surgery.

I have an appointment next Monday for a neurologist. However, looking up my symptoms, my continuous headache sounds like a tension headache. I still need to find out if there is any other issue regarding the tinnitus and dizziness, as well. Tension is the key word of these past few months!

Yesterday, I had my EMG. The EMG was interesting, getting shocked by a mini car battery and then needles put in my arm, moving them, while pushing against the doctor’s hand on demand. I found out that I now have to go to a hand specialist due to a nerve that is very compressed/blocked in my elbow. Add those appointments to the roster! The upside: that was the only damaged nerve. Those results did not help me with the decision for ACDF surgery, as I had hoped, all it did was set me up for another potential surgery on my elbow. Great, more to obsess about!

Week 6 of Summer

Thus far, for me, summer is a bummer! I just can’t find my happy. I know I am being vague. I really don’t feel like writing but hoping it may get me a tad out of this bad mood. I felt pretty okay the end of last week. Saturday was very stressful for various reasons regarding our dogs and pain and workload and energy. However, Sunday I felt much better. Unfortunately, that feeling was fleeting.

This week began in a shambles. Monday I had a sitter for Roger, since there was no camp and no therapy that day. I felt like a prisoner in one room to get my work done. Yesterday, I also had physical therapy. It lasted longer than intended and I started stressing about all the time I am missing from work for all these therapies. This morning I woke up feeling much the same, stressed, tired, terrible headache and tinnitus that I just cannot ignore anymore. Again, I had another physical therapy appointment and, again, stressed over missing work time. The headaches and tinnitus are just so constant as of late. This headache must be at least a month old. The tinnitus is about a decade old but the volume of the past week has increased greatly. I feel like it is making me completely crazy. I am in such a bad mood all day long. I feel terrible for my son and husband, but especially for my son because he does not understand why I am in a bad mood so often. He asked my husband what was wrong with me on Saturday.

Today, I called my therapist and made an appointment for tomorrow (even more time to make up for work) and had a friend recommend a psychiatrist. I am getting so depressed as of late that I don’t want to keep sinking deeper. This calendar is filling up pretty quickly with more and more appointments. Now, I just have to figure out when I can have a full day of rest. I do not know if I can wait until the end of August!

Downer Update

I reposted yesterday’s blogs in some of the FB groups I belong to for cervical issues/ACDF surgery. I received a lot of acknowledgement of what I have been feeling and dealing with. I think venting helped my mood a bit. In the evening, I took my son to him swim lesson and went to the pool afterwards for 2 hours. My back was in lots of pain, but I did my new exercises from physical therapy that day after dinner.

This morning I woke up, again in pain, but feeling a bit more stable mentally/emotionally. I made a few decisions that I think were partly to blame for yesterday’s mood:

Do not try to start work before taking my son to camp. I was already feeling overwhelmed/stressed from the work emails before the day really began.
EAT before going to an 11 am physical therapy appointment. I only had 3 cups of coffee and water in the morning. As I was waiting to begin therapy, the hunger crept in.
Do my exercises first thing in the morning and after dinner (on days I have physical therapy). On days I do not have PT, add another set before picking Roger up from camp.

The exercises are hurting me and the pain is probably worse than before my first day back at physical therapy. The headache is a bit more intense as well. I will bring it up with her today.

This week and next are filled with appointments: Tuesday – PT, Wednesday – PT, Thursday – Internist, Friday – PT, Monday – Pain Management, Friday – Orthopedic Surgeon. PT wants me to come 3 times a week, so I am guessing that will fill my Tuesday – Thursday. I can only do one appointment a day due to work.

Another interesting thing occurred yesterday. I am not sure if it changed my mood for the better or had much of an effect at all. I was called to schedule my ACDF surgery. I am still unsure if I will have it and will see how therapy goes, as well as getting a second opinion. I scheduled it for October 19th, with my pre-op on October 4th and post-op on November 1st. Sounds like it’s so far away, but in actuality it is only 14 weeks. It is enough time to see what is working/what is not/and make an informed decision.

Downer Alert!

It’s hard to explain how I am feeling, as of late. I am moving through a heavy haze at all times. Due to my cervical issues, I have constant headaches so I have a constant pressure on my head. I have tinnitus that is constant. My eyelids feel so heavy at all times. My focus is completely gone. Each task feels so difficult and causes me so much stress. I am constantly reactive when doing these tasks. I have a sour expression on my face all the time. I feel completely antisocial. And I hate myself when I suffer through the small talk I must do on a daily basis. I need a break from everything but how does one do that? This summer is killing me. I cannot even figure out how to work all my hours in a week when I look at my schedule that now includes doctor and therapy appointments daily. After I let the dogs out earlier, I leaned my head against the wall and felt like I could stay like that all day and not move. Sometimes when I am working, I close my eyes for a few seconds and imagine falling asleep the rest of the day. However, it would not even be the rest of the day since these summer days are broken into chunks. I am utterly depressed. It is even hard to express how depressed I feel. I think when I had post-partum depression it was about at the severity it is now. I have a job, husband and child. I cannot just stop doing the daily routine, no matter how much I wish I could. This daily summer grind is killing me. Seven more weeks of summer break. I tell myself that I will take off a full-day of work when he is back at school, so I can rest/sleep all day. What do I do in the meantime? I am just so wiped out…

Monday, Not So Funday

Usually I love Monday’s. I get to get back into my work groove and my routine, which I love to be in. However, this morning, I had to have a work call with my boss first thing in the morning. The call was not stressful, but a small project was given to me for the day. As the call continued, work emails kept pouring in. On top of that, the dogs were barking on and off. Also, our dryer was being installed. I just felt so much stress. When I feel so much stress, I speed up my work and try to do hours and hours of work in a couple of hours. I become a tad crazy about the workload and try to complete it as quickly as possible.

I do not feel accomplished today. Instead I wonder why do I do this to myself. There was no time frame to finish the project but I put all this weight on myself to do a good job in an efficient manner. That is the worker they hired. I still work at that fast speed but now my head spins in the process.

This cycle of back pain – headache – depression – lack of sleep – utter exhaustion – lack of focus/concentration is burying me in a big hole that I don’t know how to dig out of. Also, my allergies have been making a comeback although it is not high allergy season. I wonder if my immune system is crushed under all this. I feel so hopelessly BLAH.

I start physical therapy tomorrow and hope that will start some good cycle. Secondly, next Monday I have an appointment with the pain doctor and am hoping that will help as well. I contemplate seeing a new therapist who may not be so much of a cheerleader but give me a kick in the butt, but right now I do not know if I could deal with that. I may have to physically feel better before I start feeling better mentally. Or should I work on both at the same time? With it being summer, I do not have many extra hours to work with to go to doctor’s/therapist’s appointments every day.

My poor husband has to deal with the brunt of my anger/grumpiness. I unleash it all on him. After I do or when I am alone, I realize what a terror I have become and feel so guilty. Yet, the next flare up, I do the same. I hope he realizes how much I love him and appreciate his support!

Week 5 of Summer

Due to July 4th and a week with no camps, I did not write about the 5th week of Summer. It was a difficult week pain-wise — probably one of my most grueling in quite some time. Monday, I had my MRI and decided to track down all my past MRIs for copies. I am still trying to see if I am able to get my ones from NYC, but that may not happen. It was interesting reading over the results and seeing the number of MRIs I have gotten since 20414!

If not for Roger’s enthusiasm of July 4th, I would have stayed home that day in bed! However, he had so much fun swimming at a friend’s house, playing with sparklers and watching fireworks. Although enjoying the company of friends, I was thinking about my bed all during the fireworks…

Thursday of last week, Roger had a lot of dental procedures done — 2 crowns, 3 fillings and 4 sealants. In the past we have tried (very unsuccessfully) laughing gas and the cocktail for pediatric procedures. This time I opted for full-on anesthesia. He did well through the procedures which ended up including pulling his two front teeth. I was nervous to see how he would react to that. When he roused, he was very sad (as predicted) and very out of it. My heart went out to him. Such a little boy! Luckily, the nurse carried him to the car. Unfortunately, I realized that I would have to carry this 70 pound boy from the garage up three stairs and into the bedroom. I did not think he would be incapable of grabbing onto me to help with the carry. Getting him out of the booster seat was an ordeal. I asked him to hold onto me, but he could not comprehend nor seem to have any strength to do so. I don’t know how, but I ended up lifting him off the floor of the garage and managed to get him onto the bed without dragging him.

He was sad for a long time and tired too. However, he could not fall back asleep. He just laid in bed staring at the ceiling. Eventually, we started watching Diary of a Wimpy Kid and he started waking up more. His sitter came by and I asked her to run a couple of errands, since he did not want to see her. My foresight was not great, so we needed some soft foods like jello. Also, I could not leave Roger’s side, so I asked her to walk the dogs. After that, Roger wanted to be with the sitter, was sitting up and happy, had some jello, and was excited about the tooth fairy. He handled the whole situation so well. I am so proud of him.

My back, on the other hand, did not handle that carry very well. I was in excruciating pain on Friday. I hoped to do something easy with Roger, like go to the movies, but my back wanted me to remain home. Seeing him almost fall asleep during a couple of errands made me realize he, too, still needed the rest.

Yesterday and today, my back still aches and I have realized that I cannot wait the two weeks to see the back doctor before getting some muscle relaxers or a good anti-inflammatory. Tomorrow, I will call pain management physician and see if she has an earlier appointment. Tuesday I start physical therapy and hope that will help but, from what I recall, that takes time too.

Here’s hoping week 6 ends up less painful!

Pain in the Back

This morning I went to my back doctor. The picture of the human body where you are supposed to show the areas that are hurting all had little marks all over it from me. However, the nurse told me that the way it works, despite having various degrees of pain from neck to tailbone, is starting with the area with the most severe pain. That would be my neck/cervical area.

I have such little movement looking down or side to side. I have to turn my back to look over my shoulder when driving. I have had pain radiating down my arms going on months now. I have had 2 epidural shots at the end of 2015 and mid 2016. The first did nothing to help the pain. The second caused excruciating pain down my arms that I had to take extra medication for. I have tried physical therapy and chiropractic sessions for months. So, I had to go full circle back to the orthopedic doctor.

Today, I had new xrays of my neck taken. I have cervical spondylosis in C5 through C7, pretty severely. Normally, he says, he would recommend epidural shots and PT to start. Since neither helped and it has been an issue for so many years, he said surgery is my best bet. According to the surgeon, it is a pretty simple surgery: For this procedure, he will make an incision in the throat and movs the windpipe and esophagus aside to get to the cervical spine. He then removes the discs, replacing them with bone grafts or artificial implants. It is a one night hospital stay and 6 week recovery. It sounds gruesome to me!

The pain down my arms is getting more severe, more painful, and more frequent. Also, my fingers fall asleep each night numerous times all do to pinching nerves. This seems the best solution. Since the recovery time is so long, I have opted to wait until the end of the summer to get the surgery, so we can still go swimming a lot. In the meantime (once insurance okays it), I will be getting an MRI, Physical Therapy, and a lumber epidural injection.

Hungry

I am so hungry all the time lately. I wonder what the culprit could be. I am exercising to help reduce stress and be healthier. I am blogging to help with the same issues. The one aspect of my life that is really troubling is my lack of sleep. I keep wondering if that is why I am so hungry.

I do not want to take sleep medication but wonder what I could do differently to sleep more. First off, I sleep in Roger’s bed and that is not going to change anytime soon. I try to go to sleep without too much on my mind but sometimes, like last night, I kept replaying some items from the day. I read all the tips on what to avoid and what to do to sleep better. I am not sure if having the fitbit tell me how little sleep I am getting is causing me to sleep less and/or to feel more tired.

Today I meet with my nutritionist and will discuss hunger/sleep/mood cycle and all that good stuff. I really am thinking the root of most of my mood issues, food issues, back issues stem from lack of sleep and the inability for my body to restore itself due to that.

Anyhow I just finished breakfast/lunch and would love another cup of coffee. I shall resist the urge and trudge along.

Tuesday

Today was another productive morning: loaded the dishwasher, did another load of laundry, took out the garbage and recycling, got the pups ready for their grooming (which my husband took them to on his way to work), cleaned up a kitty mess from being stuck in the laundry room overnight, got Roger ready for camp and did Headsprout with him before he left.

Again, I was able to ride the FitDesk for a little over an hour while I worked. This morning I was incredibly hot — probably hot flashes — and I decided to take a quick shower afterwards. That helped me immensely. I also switched to wearing a very light summer dress. I feel so much better now.

Routine excites me more than anything out of the ordinary!

Quick update: my back gave it’s notice for the rest of day. It is hurting so bad. Should be fun lugging stuff to the pool….

Week 4 of Summer

Oh how I love Mondays! That is not sarcasm. I really do love the feel of Mondays. I get to start a new week and get everything organized!

Before work, I was able to put away the dishes, refill the dishwasher, do some laundry and do Roger’s “homework” with him. Also, thanks to my Roomba, I was able to get the downstairs vacuumed while I worked.

On a healthy note, I rode my FitDesk for 63 minutes. Hooray! And today’s food intake has been healthy (so far). Unfortunately, my arms are (have been) hurting. I am certain it is caused by pinched nerves due to my herniated discs. I am looking forward to my orthopedic doctor’s appointment on Friday. I am sure x-rays/MRI will be ordered. I read this weekend that Yoga is as effective as physical therapy in regard to back issues. I will bring that up with my doctor. (Article) My fear is ending up with a back like my mother, so I have to nip it in the bud…for the umpteenth time. However, this time I am dedicated to continuing the plan even when I am feeling fine. And, to try to reverse my eating habits after some stressful weeks and an indulgent weekend, I am seeing my nutritionist on Thursday.

Let’s make 44 a healthy, happy year!

Good Morning, 44

Yesterday I was in such a foul mood all day that I had mentally prepared to write this blog about my 43rd year. I will still write the intended post but I am not in quite the same sour mood I was when contemplating it.

I kept questioning why I was so depressed yesterday. Was 44th the hard birthday for me? People had said 40 would be hard but was not for me. I was looking forward to my 40’s. Why was turning 44 so depressing? Then the realization was that last year was a hard year for me.

Physically, I had (have) issues with my back and had some other instances that I had to go to the doctor and, in one instance, the ER. Hormonally, this year was utter chaos. My testosterone levels went from non-existent to way too much and the physical ramifications of that are still rearing it’s ugly head: body acne and body hair growth. These were two issues I have never had in the past 43 years. I had inquired at the OB/GYN how long I should remain on hormones (read 5 years). They pretty much told me I could remain on them forever. When I told my internist, she adamantly said 5 years maximum. Since we decided to stop the pellet for 6 months due to the side effects, that means I shall remain hormone-free due to my 5 year anniversary of my hysterectomy is 2018. Mentally/emotionally the testosterone made me more edgy and still is as I have to wait for all the excess testosterone to exit my system. Besides the Biote hormone pellet, my 43rd year was full of medications for depression/bipolar/anxiety and allergies, as well as supplements. I, with the help of my therapist, nutritionist and internist, have decided to wean off the majority of the medications. Currently, my roster is fluoxetine, Zyrtec, multivitamin, probiotic, and vitamin D3. I have cut out about 10 medications/supplements.

My 43rd year had been a year that I have dealt with being my most unhealthy self. I have made small steps to try rectifying it but not consistently so. In addition, 43 was a year of added stress: Roger entering public school, my mother’s surgery, a short stint of returning to grad school, the passing of Snuffles, other family issues, etc. Don’t get me wrong, there have been positives (mainly on the Roger front in regards to progress/growth). However, I do not think I have allowed myself time for grief and that is why a low mood has persisted. Is it too late to grieve? How can one force oneself to grieve appropriately? Does one just move past it and say hello to the new day/the new year and push through? So many thoughts as I enter year 44…

Cranky in the a.m.

I truly woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I am not sure if it was last night’s sleep (or lack thereof), the eve of my 44th birthday, overall impatience with summer and lack of alone time. Whatever the cause, I was not a very happy camper this morning and was not very nice to my husband and son. Of course, having my time alone and my morning “bike ride”, I feel much more settled and calm.

I wish I was better at coping and not so outwardly cranky. Roger gets ABA (Applied Behavioral Analysis) to teach him how to deal with situations better and act appropriately. Clearly, I could use some ABA too!

Mid-week, week 3

It’s officially mid-week of Week 3 of Summer. I am feeling pretty at ease this late morning. This week I have finished Season 3 of Kimmy Schmidt and am finishing up on the amazing Season 2 of Catastrophe. I love this show so much that I enjoyed watching this season for a second time. Watching a show like Catastrophe makes me feel like myself. I don’t get to explore life like I did pre-Roger in the city, but this gives me a dose of happiness. It’s definitely not a show for everyone, but a perfect fit for me.

With Roger at a camp so nearby, I get to walk him and the dogs to and from camp. I enjoy that little bit of outdoors, even though it’s already hot and humid at 9 in the morning. That is making my mood a bit cheerier, as well as riding the exercise bike the past 3 days.

If I think about it, what is really making my mood stable is routine. I LOVE routine and consistency. The lack of spontaneity may make me seem a bit boring and I always wished I could be more spontaneous but this is my happy place.

Week 3 of Summer

The week tends to begin on a great note. Monday goes as scheduled. However, life is unpredictable, so the rest of the week may not go as smoothly. Just as last week, this week I am hopeful. Perhaps, I am even more hopeful due to the fact that Roger LOVED camp last week. Tomorrow, he begins a different camp that he will be going to for two weeks (6 half days) in June and two weeks in July. This camp we can walk to which makes drop off and pick up so easy!

Friday, I turn 44. I had so many high hopes for my wellness by this time in the year. I have not been consistent in exercise or healthy eating. My back issues have also resurfaced, so I have an appointment the end of the month. I am really at a loss about how to make wellness part of my routine. I subscribe to emails for inspiration, use apps inconsistently, and just cannot put the drive back into me. Summer’s chaotic schedule does not help, since my sitter and my son’s therapy/camp time is used exclusively for my work schedule. In between therapies, work, and play dates/swimming, there is virtually no free time until roughly 8 pm at night and I am zonked by then. I don’t want to wait 2.5 months to have a routine. This has all dampened my mood, as well. My anxiety and depression have been surfacing a lot lately this summer. I read that blogging can help with anxiety, so I hope to write more this week.

If you are in the same boat (or have been in the past), let me know what worked for you to snap out of it and into a successful wellness routine.

Week 2 of Summer

I would like to start this post by thanking those family members and friends that have reached out in concern of my mother and myself. It is so very sweet that we are in your thoughts and that you have reached out. Again, thank you all very much!

Week 2 of Summer begins a little easier than last week. Perhaps, it is due to my mindset. Last night, although up late, I was able to finally spend some alone time with my husband and watch the first few episodes of this season’s Orange is the New Black. If it hadn’t been midnight, I would have stayed up longer. This season is just so good! That, and last week’s Comey testimony, let me escape myself and focus on life outside of our bubble.

With my mind a little de-stressed, I am happy to announce that, although still in excruciating pain, my mother is finally reaping the benefits of in-home physical therapy and able to move about the apartment with either the use of a wheelchair or walker. That, of course, also puts my mind a tad at ease and am happy her follow-up appointment is Wednesday where her pain medications should be sorted out and aide in her recovery.

On the home front, today’s maintenance was having our dryer vent cleaned. The roof inspector said it was a hazard and needed to be done soon. The tech who came out said there was a lot of lint but has seen much, much worse. I asked him a timeline of when we should have it done again (websites all claim yearly). He said with a family of 3 and pets, he recommends every 8-10 years! This type of honesty makes me smile ear to ear.

Finally, tomorrow Roger begins the first of his part-time summer camps. This one is Wacky Olympics at Yogi Kids. The past couple of days he has told me how much he is going to miss me and how he is nervous about going to camp. Believe me Roger, I am too!

Too much

The past few weeks have been extremely busy, exhausting, and stressful. The first item I must remember for years to come is the increase of school events in the month of May. It is like a month-long, non-stop field trip. There were so many activities I had to rearrange my work schedule and neglect the house and doggies.

The biggest hiccup for May was my mom’s surgery and lack of care, thereafter. The surgery was done on May 23rd and the care she received in the hospital was very good. However, they released her to a skilled nursing facility two days after surgery. We were hoping she would receive more physical therapy. All she received was neglect. Daily, I would arrive around 9 in the morning to have found the remnants of the neglect from the night before or from earlier that morning. You walk into the facility hearing the unanswered beeps from various rooms and the ignored patients screaming for help. I made so many phone calls to so many different people who work for that facility, as well as the hospital that released her and other care options. We received apologies but each morning I would encounter the same scenario. Sunday, May 28th, we took my mom from the facility to the ER to check up on her since she had fallen numerous times at the skilled nursing center with nobody following up on her well-being. After many, many hours at the ER, she was discharged to go home. The ER doctor described the neglect her own mother faced in a NY facility and how she decided to remove her as well. What a sad scenario for those patients who do not have family able to constantly look out for them!

My mom still has quite a way to go before she is, literally, back on her feet. However, having her back at home versus the center eases all of our minds. I had been trying to visit her daily while Roger had school. School ended on June 1st and, unfortunately, Roger got sick the second day of summer break and I have not been able to spend much time with my mother. He is still recuperating (not contagious) but do not want to have him around my weakened mother, since she could be more susceptible.

Yesterday, my husband took Roger to the movies and I had a few hours alone at home. The last day I had alone at home was May 22nd. For someone who works at home, that is an eternity. Although I mainly did chores around the house, it restored my mental health. I feel like I can now conquer this week – the first full week of summer break.

It’s been a week.

Well, I haven’t posted in a week. The weekend did not go smoothly and it was very tumultuous, unfortunately. However, I will not disclose information of such personal, family matters. I will just state that things are back on track, all is well, and I have an amazing husband and a caring father.

Monday, I remained in bit of a funk. I was completely wiped out emotionally and mentally, so I skipped exercise and just made it through the working day. I had issues with getting onto the Remote Desktop at work on Saturday, so I had an additional workload for Monday night. The problem ensued Monday night and I had to use my iPhone as a hotspot to finish my procedures. Prior to that, it was a couple of hours trying to connect and contacting Spectrum. It was very stressful, to say the least. Fortunately, by Tuesday morning, the internet and phone were working again and (knock on wood) have been continually working.

I was able to get in some exercise on my FitDesk on Tuesday and went to an intermediate yoga class yesterday. Oh boy, that kicked my butt (or my legs and back, to be exact). All of my strength was used on that workout. Yesterday, I tried the no caffeine again, as well as eating only non-reactive foods. I was completely depleted by 2 pm and asleep at 7:30. Unfortunately, I only got 7 hours of sleep, because my sleep is always restless since having Roger.

This morning I woke up sore and determined to change up what would be a very restrictive LEAP diet. I contacted the nutritionist with an outline of what I plan to modify. She said it was a great idea and that I will probably last longer on the “diet/lifestyle” due to the modifications. First summer life with a 6 year old boy who happens to have autism and working full-time will be hard enough without having insane food restrictions. The first modification: COFFEE. I had a cup and was actually able to vacuum. Yesterday, I was lump on the sofa.

On a different note, tonight I get to see one band that I have been aching to see for the past 28 years: The Damned. Both times I previously set out to see them, there was an issue. This is their 40th Anniversary tour and I thought, yet again, the plan was going to be foiled when Captain Sensible fell off the stage and broke his rib(s). And, then, once it was still a go-ahead, our sitter double-booked for tonight. Fortunately, I met with other sitters and we have that covered. Now, the weather calls for hail, so there’s always something!

One more tidbit of good news: in the past two months, I have lost 7.2 pounds. If I just lose 3 pounds a month, I will be at my goal weight by next March. No pressure – just taking it one step at a time.

So depressed.

Yesterday afternoon and this morning, my sore throat got even more sore. My allergies have been attacking me from every direction. Today, I feel like I’ve been run over by a bus a half dozen times. I am so depressed that I have not felt well in so long. However, today may be one of the worst days. My nutritionist advised me to stop coffee (I’ve been on one cup a day) in preparation for next week’s change to the LEAP diet. I told Rob, so he only made himself a cup. Needless to say, to make it through my working day feeling like crap, I had to make myself one cup of coffee.

Now to boast about some accomplishments this week: two yoga classes and one day on the FitDesk. I planned on riding today as well, but the walk to and from Roger’s school with the doggies was too much for me. I also created some tentative work/sitter schedules through the end of July. Things may come up (they always do), but I feel ready for the summer now. I must schedule some fun pool and CAC time with Roger. I want him to enjoy his first summer out of school.

Here’s hoping I feel better to have some fun with the family this Mother’s Day weekend and I get out of this emotional funk created by this physical setback!

Building a routine

It may not be the ideal time to build a routine, being that schools lets out in a few weeks and that may throw a wrench in my routine. I went to Monday’s yoga class and it was a great class. It was mainly a stretching class which helped my back immensely. Wednesday’s class is more advanced, but I plan on doing as much as I can. There is always child’s pose when it gets too tough for me. That begins my routine: Monday and Wednesday will be yoga days. Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, I will use my FitDesk. Saturday will be my rest day and Sundays I may check out the Yin & Sit yoga class. This Sunday is Mother’s Day and I signed up for Yoga Nidra which, according to the website, is the practice of conscious yogic sleep, a meditative and restorative experience that allows you to transcend physical and mental barriers so that you may place intentions – or sankalpa – at the innermost level of your being. The yogic sleep part sounds good to me!

I’ve also been sticking to the one cup of coffee per day til the first day of my LEAP lifestyle change. This is going to be my hardest habit to break. I’ve realized how much coffee has suppressed my appetite in the morning. I’m hungry at 9 instead of 11 or 12, which I am not used to. Also, my depleted energy no longer gets a caffeine boost. Hopefully, a few weeks into the dietary changes, I will have energy once again. Although knowing it will be a bit overwhelming, I am very much looking forward to the change. I will need to write a food log, as well as note any bodily reaction to the foods I am allowed. I am used to logging on a notepad, but considering putting them on my blog. I was reading another blog that has been following a person on a LEAP diet and she said she does not have the ability to log daily, so I will be aware of that challenge.

In the meantime, I’ve typed up my next three work schedules which lead up to summer but will need to figure out past that. I should also start planning meals for the time leading up to summer. Hmmm…maybe tomorrow.

Busy, busy week

Besides my job, this week has been a busy and exhausting week. As a recap, I went to yoga for the first time in a bajillion years on Monday. It was so hard — I am so out of shape. I also had to deal with insurance (re: my son’s ABA therapy), gather garbage, do some wash, change the kitty litter, and wait for the roof to get replaced. It was just stressful trying to do a lot in a little time. Boy, was I in a pissy mood. Tuesday, I felt utterly crappy and I had my allergist appointment that led to 4 new medications that have not aided in making me feel better but just cruddier. Wednesday was my son’s ARD for 1st grade. Already nervous about what services could potentially be cut, I was still feeling utterly horrible physically. Thankfully, not much was cut. We were, overall, in agreement. The shortness of the ARD (the last one took 2 days) gave me time to rest, which I NEVER get to do. Thursday, a friend drove me to our sons’ first Field Trip in kindergarten. They went to the Fort Worth Museum of Science and Nature. Can I tell you how exhausting a field trip can be? My mother noted it may exhaust me more since I am older than a lot of the moms — thanks! Today, I got to have a nice “normal” workday at home. Unfortunately, the roof work started today, which means I got to hear hammering since 8:30 this morning.

I did make a few decisions today despite the noisiness. I decided to end my chiropractic care. I went through the suggested 15 session schedule and have seen no improvement. I am definitely going to have to take a different course of action when it comes to my back. The only time chiropractic care helped was in NYC when I went to an integrative practice. They would not even adjust me for the first few weeks — just do stem and hot/cold therapy. After adding adjustments, physical therapy was slowly started. Finally, 30 minute back massages were added. It worked like a charm and was a fantastic approach. I may try to find a similar practice here.

My other decision was to stop taking 3 of the 4 medications the allergist prescribed. I’ve decided to finish the course of antibiotics but stop the rest. Nothing has changed in my overall being and definitely not the areas they were targeting — cough, labored breathing. I emailed the office and they said to follow-up Monday if there was no change with being on the antibiotic.

Next week, I am hoping to conquer yoga 2 days. I know, crazy. I will definitely go Monday and let you know if I survive.

Queen of Allergies

I went to the allergist to talk about how my allergies have gotten worse and the shots do not seem to be helping anymore. Unfortunately, I get the highest dosage possible and I get an epi-rinse since I get a bad reaction from them. When the doctor came in, she referred to me as “the Queen of Allergies”. Below is a list of my allergy test results. Anything with a fraction, I am allergic to (they did not test food). She is gung-ho, YAY, allergy shots, so she does not want me to discontinue. Instead, she wants me to take a bunch of meds to try and feel meh, instead of hellish. She thinks it’s a combo of untreated sinus infection, allergies, asthma, and acid reflux. I go back in two weeks. Above my allergy list is my treatment list.

“Mommy, you’re sick a lot”

I woke up this morning with terrible allergies (surprise, surprise). I told my husband that I probably will not accomplish much around the house and only have energy for my work. My son retorted, “mommy, you’re sick a lot”. I told him that I have really bad allergies that have been making me very sick. In actuality, I have a compromised immune system due to my allergies, stress, lack of sleep, etc. Hearing that from my son took me a bit aback. He usually does not pay too much attention to how others are feeling. He is only 6 and usually life revolves around yourself at that age. Double that with his autism, he usually will just keep asking for me to do things and take him places once I say I am sick. He probably still will afterschool. However, he does know he has to accompany me to the allergy doctor. Maybe he will listen a bit to what she tells me, but I bet he will just be focused on the iPad!

I was hoping to feel better today. I did yoga for the first time in a long time yesterday. What was a simple, beginner’s class really tested me (and my allergies). I also rode the bike for an hour yesterday. Today, I planned to ride the bike but woke up with terrible wheezing from the allergies. I did conquer work and was able to do a few laundry chores during my lunch. My lunch has consisted of leftover matzo. My stomach feels terrible, as well. I figured crackers would be the best bet. Tomorrow is my son’s ARD. I am sure the stress of that is not helping today.

Blargh

My days have been blargh to horrible. This is due entirely to my damn allergies. I go to bed feeling meh, wake up in the middle of the night to an allergy attack, wake in the morning to my nose still running, and the day continues that way. Last night, I finally took a Benadryl thinking that would end the post-midnight allergy attack. NOPE. I felt the same as each previous night.

I was not going to let that interfere with my day, however. After I walked Roger to school with the doggies, I started work while riding the bike on my FitDesk. I could only do 15 minutes before feeling completely ill. My breathing has been compromised, my tummy feels totally terrible, my head hurts, and my back aches so badly. Poor me. I hate to complain so much because I know it could always be worse. (Case in point, yesterday, I looked up the boy in the bubble because I want to hermetically seal myself off from the world, but then felt terrible about making the comparison).

So today, as everyday, I am doing the most I can — working, doing a few household chores, and counting the hours til bedtime!

Not maintaining under maintenance

Today, I had two doctor’s appointments: the nutritionist followed by the chiropractor. I will start with the easier of the two — the chiropractor. When I began going to this practitioner, he set up a 15-visit schedule that would culminate with a maintenance schedule. Today would begin the talk of maintenance. However, Monday my back was in really bad shape. I hurt going through my normal daily routine. Today my back was still quite stiff. Clearly, I do not want to “maintain” this level!

The nutritionist appointment was very thorough and a lot to wrap my head around. We talked about my LEAP results, my current medication, and my feelings about the process. Due to weaning off of gabapentin, she thinks I should start once that is clear from my system. My last day of taking gabapentin will be next Wednesday night. I have a field trip to attend with my son on Thursday, so I will delve into it next Friday or the following Monday (at the latest). This also gives me time to wean off of coffee/caffeine. That shall be the most difficult part: reactive to caffeine, coffee and tea.

During the appointment, we discussed allergy shots. Her son has been on shots about a year longer than I. We are both on a maintenance schedule. I have been having almost nightly (very early morning) allergy attacks and I, overall, feel flu-like. I am considering discontinuing the shots. They have to add epinephrine to each shot so my reaction isn’t as extreme as it was in the past. I still swell and itch, though. I guess a visit to my allergy doctor to discuss should be in my near future.

Am I doomed not to maintain under maintenance?

The results are in.

My LEAP blood results as well as the battery of blood tests my PCP/Internist gave me are in. I will start with my regular bloodwork. Basically, there were two areas that I have high scores in (YAY!). One was EOS which I googled and found means the following: Eosinophilia (e-o-sin-o-FILL-e-uh) is a higher than normal level of eosinophils. Eosinophils are a type of disease-fighting white blood cell. This condition most often indicates a parasitic infection, an allergic reaction or cancer. I will gather that it has to do with my allergic reactions to life, in general. The nurse did not discuss, but I gather my marks weren’t high enough to investigate further. The second is my testosterone level from hormone replacement therapy. Normal range is 8-48 and my level is 217. Well, that explains a lot — the body acne, the hair, the wonderful, quick-to-anger mood, the constant hunger and weight gain, the overall GROSSNESS. Unfortunately, all I can do is wait for the testosterone to leave my body which can take 3-6 months. I will be doing follow-up bloodwork in 2 months.

The LEAP results are a little more complex and I formally get to discuss with my nutritionist tomorrow. I am reactive to almost all foods and, GASP, caffeine! It shall be a big lifestyle change, but I need it. My allergies will be the death of me, otherwise. I am least reactive to: peach, cranberry, mushroom, spinach, white potato, millet, cocoa, vanilla, mint, carob, pecan, peanut, pinto beans, and potassium nitrate. That should make for an interesting meal plan. I am most reactive to: barley, caffeine, cashew, celery, codfish, corn, cow’s milk, goat’s milk, grape, green pea, msg, paprika, parsley, rice, saccharine, sesame, sodium sulfite, sorbic acid, strawberry, tapioca, tea, tilapia, tomato, walnut, and yellow squash. We have to slowly add members of the above family of food to see if I am reactive to them as well. The test, obviously, does not cover every food in existence. I am most sad about caffeine and tea. I don’t think I can totally drop coffee all together, but definitely need to wean the amount I currently intake.

I am looking forward to tomorrow’s discussion and will keep you posted.

Baby Steps

Such big plans I had with my “45 for 45”. I do still plan to work on health improvement but taking a slightly different approach. The past month I have been reassessing my health and allergies. I am allergic to most everything environmental (barring some strains of mold, horse dander, and roaches). If I am allergic to trees, grass, etc., I must have food sensitivity. I have met twice with a nutritionist. The first time was to set simple goals for stress relief, adding vegetables/fiber to current diet, replacing afternoon coffee with tea, and taking Epsom salt baths. The second meeting was to discuss my horrific allergies. I take two types of allergy medicine and have been on 3 maintenance allergy shots for about 2 years now. They are not making a dent. I figure I must be adding to my misery by eating certain foods. Although reading pro and con articles on the subject, I decided to have LEAP bloodwork. My allergist’s office also gives the test, which is not covered by insurance, for double the cost and ONE follow-up appointment. The nutritionist says it takes much more than one follow-up since, in addition to the bloodwork, we will be testing other foods by adding them slowly back into my diet. I hope to have my results back by the beginning of May. I can just picture EVERYTHING in the red category (meaning highly reactive).

Yesterday, I made an appointment with my primary care physician/internist to discuss my medication list and the side effects I am having. In other words, I made the appointment because I feel gross. I am on hormones due to my oophorectomy/hysterectomy. The testosterone has given me terrible body acne and body hair growth. Neither of which I have ever had to deal with in my 43 years. I am also very inpatient and quick to anger. Well, those I have had to deal with in my 43 years. My other medications all tend to have the side effect of fatigue and insomnia. I get roughly 4-5 hours of sleep per night and am dragging all day. That does not give me much motivation, focus, or acuity. We have decided to reduce my supplements to only a handful (Multi-vitamin, Calcium, D3, B12 shots, and probiotic), replace Zyrtec with Xyzal, and taper off Gabapentin. I may also decide to taper off Singulair, Fluoxetine and Simvastatin.

Lastly, I bought a FitDesk for downstairs. With the new puppies, I can no longer ride the bike upstairs without doggies under my feet. In the living room, they will stay on the couch while I ride and work. I received the bike on Tuesday, built it with the help of my husband Tuesday night, and have ridden it Wednesday, Thursday and Friday for 45-50 minutes each day. I have hopes to, eventually, add other exercise to my routine, but baby steps!

Recap of Day 2

Yesterday, I thought my lack of motivation was going to be certain doom to my 45 of 45. I just did not want to get up from work and reading to move onto cleaning/organizing. I felt tired and overwhelmed. I decided to, finally, get my butt up and headed outside to clean leaves. That is when the motivation kicked in. I decided to clean up the back patio and make a plan for the weekend — family yard clean-up. My son has already decided to forgo actual work but instead make mud piles to play in. That is fine with me – just as long as my six year old is entertained enough to allow my husband and I to clean up.

I actually also made a lot of headway during my late afternoon/early evening work hours. I was feeling pretty good but my energy finally zapped out around 6:30. Work ended at 7 and it was time for the bath time/nighttime routine. I angrily made my way through it but could not muster up the energy to actually make myself some dinner or even decide on what I wanted for my husband to pick up. I had a crappy “dinner”. The day ended in a sour mood.

The hours I need to really try to adjust myself are the after 5 pm hours. For some reason, my energy, mood, patience, etc. are all drained and I turn into a not-so-nice person. Unfortunately, I had another night of less than 5 hours sleep but am hoping my self-actualization of the post 5 pm hours may help me make some positive changes in my demeanor.

Recap of Day 1 (of my 45 for 45)

In theory, I started the eating a bit healthier and exercise at the beginning of the year. I weighed myself today and am down a whopping 3.5 pounds in a little over 4 weeks. So, I am losing the weight at a snail’s pace. I know this has a lot to do with my meds, hysterectomy, being over 40, sleeping with my son which leads to roughly 3.5 -5.5 hours of sleep per night, etc. However, I am hoping I will be more likely to keep it off if it is coming off slower than in the past.

I did incorporate cleaning and reading into yesterday’s schedule. It was not straight cleaning but more organization. I moved our guest bed back into my son’s room in order to sleep in the same room but in different beds. Unfortunately, he cried hysterically at the thought of sleeping in his bed alone, so I went into his bed until he fell asleep. Then, sometime in the middle of the night, he woke up and I got back into bed with him. I feel my way to wellness will not be fulfilled until I can sleep normally again.

Well, today is Day 2, and you may get an update tomorrow of today. Or you may not. Not adding more commitment to my life! I’m too tired.

45 for 45…in 73 weeks

color-4007 I would do 44 for 44 but it feels too rushed! I am not sure I really need to lose 45 lbs but there are many components to 45 for 45. I am going to try to be healthier by my 45th birthday. I want to be my healthiest thus far. So, it is not just weight loss but overall wellness.

45 lbs. (maybe – at least a solid 25)

45 minutes of reading a day (not browsing the internet)

45 minutes of exercise a day

45 minutes of house cleaning a day

That is my 45 for 45.

(Tomorrow is the weekend, so that is a deal-breaker for starting such a plan. Like all life changes, it will begin on Monday. I hope to post daily for accountability.)

First day of kindergarten

Many sleepless nights and many years of therapy have led to today…

There are so many racing thoughts that it’s hard for me to put them into words. I am so proud of my kiddo for all of his hard work. Today, we walked to school and he was full of happiness. He did confess yesterday that he was a little bit scared. It is such a big change.

I felt overwhelmed and in sensory overload entering the packed elementary school. I cannot even imagine how he may have felt. I was relieved when his friend from pre-K arrived in the classroom. From the videos posted throughout the day, it seems like the two of them have been attached at the hip.

I hope sleep comes easier tonight and that all is good in public kinder.