wellness – Page 4 – Spinning Wheels

Sunday, Glum Day

Well, I tried the hydrocodone with Benadryl to see if I could avoid the itchiness. It did not work, so I am taking 4 Advil every 8 hours or so. I slept much better last night due to the lack of itching and lack of repeated daytime naps. The day of surgery was like one long nap most of the day. Yesterday and today, I took only one afternoon nap.

The surgeon told Rob that my pain level would not increase from how I felt post-surgery. That’s not really been the case. Today my inner arm and elbow both feel like they’ve been cut open (which they have). Plus, my right shoulder feels wonky. It must be because of relying on my right arm these past few days. And, of course, when moving some Garbage Pail Kids, my left lumbar back went out/popped. I took muscle relaxers and put the heating pad on it, but it still hurts.

I attempted my first shower with a garbage bag arm and Rob waiting right outside. Who knew that a simple shower that is usually refreshing could wipe someone out so much!

Tomorrow is the first day of 1st grade and Rob’s last day home with me. Here’s hoping it is an easier day!

Twas the Night Before Surgery

Yes, tomorrow is the big day: ulnar nerve decompression and transposition. I haven’t written lately due to trying to get done as much as I can before surgery and before Roger’s first day of school on Monday. I have been so wrapped up in planning that I have not had much time to think about the surgery. That was until last night.

Last night, Roger woke me up around 1 am to move into his bed. After he woke me, I started calculating the amount of hours I had before my surgery. I was up the next two hours, consumed with thoughts of surgery. Thankfully, I fell asleep for a couple more hours before starting the day.

Anxious is the feeling of the day. Hopefully, that will soon pass, and the new feeling will be rested.

2nd opinion – ulnar nerve

Today’s appointment was the polar opposite of yesterday’s appointment. The nurse brought me back about 10 minutes early to thoroughly go through my paperwork. A few minutes after that the doctor came in. She wanted to see my cervical reports and wanted to make a clear determination of pain stemming from my elbow v. pain stemming from my neck. She said that what I have is called “double crush syndrome”. This led to doing many different tests. A few showed “Wartenberg’s sign” where I am unable to keep my pinky finger squeezing my ring finger. The tests were timed and by the time they were done both fingers were far apart from each other. Another test showed my incredible weakness in my left arm. I was not even aware it was so weak. It seemed like one of those illusions. She scratched along the nerve and did strength tests and she easily pushed my arm towards me. Unlike yesterday’s opinion, she said the EMG had shown severe compression and my nerve is working less than 50%. Due to all of the above, the only solution would be surgery on my left arm. She said it was beyond the realm of physical therapy or just wearing a brace at night. Also, the other surgeon suggested decompression surgery. This surgeon disagrees. She states decompression usually ends with another surgery down the line to move the nerve. Therefore, the surgery would combine both decompression and transposition of the ulnar nerve. From what I have read, a lot of patients agree with this approach and do not understand why their surgeons only opted for decompression. She also thoroughly went through the surgery process and will have a pre-op with me to review the surgery and all my instructions. She said to bring a list of questions. Wow! The other surgeon was not going to have a pre-op.

Surgery is scheduled for Friday, August 25th and the pre-op that Monday, August 21st. She was so thorough that I currently cannot think of any questions! Three days after surgery is Roger’s 1st day of 1st grade. I am hoping to be on my feet to see him into the doors of the school with Rob. These next few weeks will be crazy and the following six will be in recovery. Full recovery takes 3-6 months. Roger was happy to announce that in 6 weeks after surgery, I can tie his shoes again! Silly boy!

Ulnar nerve entrapment, 1st Opinion

Today, I had the first appointment with a surgeon to discuss my ulnar nerve entrapment. After a large packet of paperwork was completed, I was brought into the back by the nurse and/or surgeon’s assistant. He led me through a series of tests and questions (a lot that I had just answered in the pile of paperwork). After about 10 minutes, he said the doctor would be in. The doctor repeated a couple of the tests I had just done and really did not ask too much about symptoms. Maybe he read the paperwork! He said there were two options: 1) sleep in a brace to improve the symptoms, which would take roughly 3 months or 2) cubital tunnel release surgery. He said since the muscle in my hand is not atrophied, surgery is not the only option. I forgot how he worded it, but my retort was, “Well, I do not want to wait for atrophy to have the surgery”. He said since my nerve entrapment is severe, he recommends surgery but wanted to give me another option since some patients want to avoid surgery at any cost. He did not go into the details of the surgery at all. I had a few questions for him regarding the surgery and recovery. If I had not asked any questions, the appointment would have lasted maybe 3 minutes with him. I said I would like to schedule the surgery and he said, “My staff will come in to schedule, I’ll next see you at surgery”. Lack of bedside manner is an understatement.

From the get-go, I was a little hesitant of this appointment. When I left the pain doctor, she said I needed surgery and had 2 recommendations but knew my primary care physician would want to give her own referral. When my PCP’s office called to discuss the EMG and referral, the nurse said my doctor wanted to use this practice and the nurse saw there was a specialist in hand, wrist, elbow at the Flower Mound office. It was a recommendation for a practice, not a doctor. I still kept the appointment due to good online reviews of the surgeon (and would still use him, if need be). However, I reached out to my pain doctor for her recommendations and have a second opinion appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning. I am hoping to get a better vibe from this doctor. I know this surgery is inevitable, I would just like a surgeon who discussed it further with me, rather than me having to pry information out of them.

ACDF 2nd Opinion

Today I had my second opinion for ACDF surgery with a neurosurgeon. I already scheduled ACDF surgery with an orthopedic surgeon for October 19th. I spent a long time with the nurse going over my back pain history, therapies, treatments, and doing some reflex and strength tests. Once that was completed, the nurse said the surgeon would come in to discuss the results of my MRI. He plainly stated that he only urges surgery if 1) the spinal cord is compressed or 2) weakness. Since I don’t have either at the current time, he does not recommend surgery now. He did say, though, that I will need surgery in the future due to the disc degeneration/spondylosis. He recommended traction kit to use at home for 30 minutes a day/daily for 3 months. He put off having ACDF surgery on himself for 10 years by doing traction for 3 months, every two years. He said he knew it was time once traction no longer worked.

At first I was relieved. I am looking at a possible surgery on my arm/elbow and cannot imagine two surgeries in such close proximity of each other. However, then I was wondering how long do you put off surgery? I have read of individuals who waited too long and had the surgery but the nerves could not recover. I will reach out to my PCP and let her know and ask her thoughts, since my thoughts are overwhelming!

End of Week 9, Beginning of Week 10

The end of last week started Roger’s 7th birthday celebration. Thursday night he could not sleep because he was so excited for Friday night’s Queen concert. He was tossing and turning all night, sounding like he may be sick, and awoke at 4 am. That day his sitter was sick and he had to occupy himself while I worked. In the afternoon, we met his first grade teacher, looked around the classroom and around the school at some new things going on. He was even given a kit kat for that night and some M & Ms from his principal. He was thrilled, especially as she announced his birthday on the loudspeaker as we left the building. I had an afternoon dentist appointment, which the candy made Roger hyper for but he did well waiting for me. Luckily, I got him to take an hour nap before we left for the concert. He enjoyed the show and was very excited during “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” but starting crashing at 10:30 pm. However, when we got in the car, he perked up and fell asleep around 12:30. Unfortunately, he woke up at 6 am on Saturday for his birthday. Saturday was a pretty full day that started with gift opening. We also had our dogs’ obedience class, followed by lunch, a classmate’s birthday party, School of Rock, pizza and cake with my parents and his best friend, Amanda, and her family. Finally, he fell asleep around 9:30 pm and woke up at 7:30 am. He NEVER sleeps that late. It was amazing! Sunday was his formal 7th birthday party at Bach to Rock. It was the latest party we have had for him — ending at 4:30. We were exhausted afterwards. The birthday weekend ended with some lego play and Mooyah for dinner.

Last night an allergy attack woke me up around 4 am. To say that I am a little tired is an understatement. So, the start of my day was trying to fall back asleep followed by some Buzzfeed, mail, facebook, etc. For some reason starting a new week put my mood in a bit of a damper. In the past (even recent past), weekends seemed more stressful than weekdays. Possibly, that is due to the fact that I like structure. However, the past few weekends have relaxed me quite a bit. I was blaming some of my back/arm pain on lack of sleep. My pain levels have been pretty low Friday and Saturday which does not correlate with the lack of sleep. It doesn’t even correlate with stress levels. Setting up the house and the party are both stress factors for me, but neither aggravated my upper back/neck/head aches. This week I have my 3 important surgeon appointments while experiencing virtually no pain. My left arm was in a ton of pain last Thursday but that feels like a lifetime ago. My headaches have been very mild the past 1.5 weeks. I feel like my body is correcting itself before I make a commitment to surgery! Due to no known nerve damage, I am pretty sure I will not opt for neck surgery . The severe damage to my left arm nerve (assuming ulnar nerve entrapment) may force me to have surgery, pain being present or not. If the time allots, I will give a brief synopsis of my appointments Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

Medications

Yesterday, I felt some of the side effects of the migraine medication. First off, the neurologist told me I would be groggy in the morning. I usually am groggy, so I did not think it would be a big deal. However, that grogginess was present the whole day. I even had afternoon coffee and was exhausted. Another side effect I had was intense abdominal pain/cramps. That is seen as a severe side effect and may be caused due to an interaction with fluoxetine. That made the decision for me: I’d rather have these headaches than suffer the side effects. Usually my headaches are just annoying, like the constant ringing. I’d take that issue over the intense fatigue or increased fogginess (the side effect of the other medication he was going to prescribe). I also looked up the drug interactions between the muscle relaxer, anti-inflammatory, fluoxetine, and simvastatin. The muscle relaxer and fluoxetine have a severe interaction — can cause serotonin syndrome. Therefore, I have decided to forgo the muscle relaxer as well.

This morning Roger woke us up late — 7:30! I am virtually pain-free today in my neck area and right arm. My left arm has discomfort from the ulnar nerve issue. However, this may be a big indication for me to forgo ACDF surgery. I have the second opinion next week and, after our weekend away to Galveston, I will stop the anti-inflammatory to see how my body is feeling. I cannot be on an anti-inflammatory long-term, so if the pain is manageable sans medications, the surgery decision is made.

Week 9 of Summer

It seems like I miscounted the weeks in my previous blogs. We have entered week nine of summer. This has been a week of some resolutions: as per the neurologist, my chronic headaches are migraines and I started medication last night and, second, as per my pain management doctor, my EMG shows severe ulnar neuropathy with the recommendation of surgery on my left arm.

Upside of neurology appointment: he thinks the my migraines may be causing some of my back pain and, perhaps, the medication will lessen the pain (as well as stop the headaches). Also, he was not convinced ACDF surgery is necessary. He is the first professional who has given me that opinion. I have a thorough appointment regarding a formal second opinion of surgery with a neurosurgeon next Tuesday. After facing surgery for my elbow, I am hesitant about having a second surgery this year.

Next Wednesday, I have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon who specializes in the elbow, hand and wrist. His nurse told me that he is scheduled out about two weeks for surgeries. Hopefully, I can schedule a surgery sooner than later because the pain is worsening during the day, as well as the tingling during the night. It seems like those days off I was hoping for when Roger would be back to school are coming…although I did not want surgery to be the reason why!

Remainder of Week 6 and Week 7

Life has been completely overwhelming! That, actually, may be the biggest understatement I have made in a while. I do not do well with stress, so for others, these weeks may not seem like such a big deal, but for me they have been hellish!

Tuesday I was completely overwhelmed, but, as has been the case, blogging helped me snap out of it a bit. Also, my son graduated his level of swimming and went up to a level 4. Having a child with autism who has fears is a double whammy – we have tried lessons year after year, but putting his head under water ended each attempt. Now, he is constantly going under water. It is amazing to watch!

The remainder of my week was haunted by bad back and neck pain and headaches. I had several appointments: physical therapy, psychologist, and my orthopedic surgeon. As usual, my pain increased after having physical therapy and remained high through the weekend until Sunday. From this correlation, I decided to stop going to PT. It is no longer necessary, the doctor told me, unless it was helping. After 6 sessions, the pain was exacerbated. I had felt more at ease with my decision to have ACDF surgery as the doctor explained and answered my questions during my appointment. But I also made an appointment for a second opinion, since I do not want to rush into surgery.

I have an appointment next Monday for a neurologist. However, looking up my symptoms, my continuous headache sounds like a tension headache. I still need to find out if there is any other issue regarding the tinnitus and dizziness, as well. Tension is the key word of these past few months!

Yesterday, I had my EMG. The EMG was interesting, getting shocked by a mini car battery and then needles put in my arm, moving them, while pushing against the doctor’s hand on demand. I found out that I now have to go to a hand specialist due to a nerve that is very compressed/blocked in my elbow. Add those appointments to the roster! The upside: that was the only damaged nerve. Those results did not help me with the decision for ACDF surgery, as I had hoped, all it did was set me up for another potential surgery on my elbow. Great, more to obsess about!

Week 6 of Summer

Thus far, for me, summer is a bummer! I just can’t find my happy. I know I am being vague. I really don’t feel like writing but hoping it may get me a tad out of this bad mood. I felt pretty okay the end of last week. Saturday was very stressful for various reasons regarding our dogs and pain and workload and energy. However, Sunday I felt much better. Unfortunately, that feeling was fleeting.

This week began in a shambles. Monday I had a sitter for Roger, since there was no camp and no therapy that day. I felt like a prisoner in one room to get my work done. Yesterday, I also had physical therapy. It lasted longer than intended and I started stressing about all the time I am missing from work for all these therapies. This morning I woke up feeling much the same, stressed, tired, terrible headache and tinnitus that I just cannot ignore anymore. Again, I had another physical therapy appointment and, again, stressed over missing work time. The headaches and tinnitus are just so constant as of late. This headache must be at least a month old. The tinnitus is about a decade old but the volume of the past week has increased greatly. I feel like it is making me completely crazy. I am in such a bad mood all day long. I feel terrible for my son and husband, but especially for my son because he does not understand why I am in a bad mood so often. He asked my husband what was wrong with me on Saturday.

Today, I called my therapist and made an appointment for tomorrow (even more time to make up for work) and had a friend recommend a psychiatrist. I am getting so depressed as of late that I don’t want to keep sinking deeper. This calendar is filling up pretty quickly with more and more appointments. Now, I just have to figure out when I can have a full day of rest. I do not know if I can wait until the end of August!

Downer Update

I reposted yesterday’s blogs in some of the FB groups I belong to for cervical issues/ACDF surgery. I received a lot of acknowledgement of what I have been feeling and dealing with. I think venting helped my mood a bit. In the evening, I took my son to him swim lesson and went to the pool afterwards for 2 hours. My back was in lots of pain, but I did my new exercises from physical therapy that day after dinner.

This morning I woke up, again in pain, but feeling a bit more stable mentally/emotionally. I made a few decisions that I think were partly to blame for yesterday’s mood:

Do not try to start work before taking my son to camp. I was already feeling overwhelmed/stressed from the work emails before the day really began.
EAT before going to an 11 am physical therapy appointment. I only had 3 cups of coffee and water in the morning. As I was waiting to begin therapy, the hunger crept in.
Do my exercises first thing in the morning and after dinner (on days I have physical therapy). On days I do not have PT, add another set before picking Roger up from camp.

The exercises are hurting me and the pain is probably worse than before my first day back at physical therapy. The headache is a bit more intense as well. I will bring it up with her today.

This week and next are filled with appointments: Tuesday – PT, Wednesday – PT, Thursday – Internist, Friday – PT, Monday – Pain Management, Friday – Orthopedic Surgeon. PT wants me to come 3 times a week, so I am guessing that will fill my Tuesday – Thursday. I can only do one appointment a day due to work.

Another interesting thing occurred yesterday. I am not sure if it changed my mood for the better or had much of an effect at all. I was called to schedule my ACDF surgery. I am still unsure if I will have it and will see how therapy goes, as well as getting a second opinion. I scheduled it for October 19th, with my pre-op on October 4th and post-op on November 1st. Sounds like it’s so far away, but in actuality it is only 14 weeks. It is enough time to see what is working/what is not/and make an informed decision.

Downer Alert!

It’s hard to explain how I am feeling, as of late. I am moving through a heavy haze at all times. Due to my cervical issues, I have constant headaches so I have a constant pressure on my head. I have tinnitus that is constant. My eyelids feel so heavy at all times. My focus is completely gone. Each task feels so difficult and causes me so much stress. I am constantly reactive when doing these tasks. I have a sour expression on my face all the time. I feel completely antisocial. And I hate myself when I suffer through the small talk I must do on a daily basis. I need a break from everything but how does one do that? This summer is killing me. I cannot even figure out how to work all my hours in a week when I look at my schedule that now includes doctor and therapy appointments daily. After I let the dogs out earlier, I leaned my head against the wall and felt like I could stay like that all day and not move. Sometimes when I am working, I close my eyes for a few seconds and imagine falling asleep the rest of the day. However, it would not even be the rest of the day since these summer days are broken into chunks. I am utterly depressed. It is even hard to express how depressed I feel. I think when I had post-partum depression it was about at the severity it is now. I have a job, husband and child. I cannot just stop doing the daily routine, no matter how much I wish I could. This daily summer grind is killing me. Seven more weeks of summer break. I tell myself that I will take off a full-day of work when he is back at school, so I can rest/sleep all day. What do I do in the meantime? I am just so wiped out…

Monday, Not So Funday

Usually I love Monday’s. I get to get back into my work groove and my routine, which I love to be in. However, this morning, I had to have a work call with my boss first thing in the morning. The call was not stressful, but a small project was given to me for the day. As the call continued, work emails kept pouring in. On top of that, the dogs were barking on and off. Also, our dryer was being installed. I just felt so much stress. When I feel so much stress, I speed up my work and try to do hours and hours of work in a couple of hours. I become a tad crazy about the workload and try to complete it as quickly as possible.

I do not feel accomplished today. Instead I wonder why do I do this to myself. There was no time frame to finish the project but I put all this weight on myself to do a good job in an efficient manner. That is the worker they hired. I still work at that fast speed but now my head spins in the process.

This cycle of back pain – headache – depression – lack of sleep – utter exhaustion – lack of focus/concentration is burying me in a big hole that I don’t know how to dig out of. Also, my allergies have been making a comeback although it is not high allergy season. I wonder if my immune system is crushed under all this. I feel so hopelessly BLAH.

I start physical therapy tomorrow and hope that will start some good cycle. Secondly, next Monday I have an appointment with the pain doctor and am hoping that will help as well. I contemplate seeing a new therapist who may not be so much of a cheerleader but give me a kick in the butt, but right now I do not know if I could deal with that. I may have to physically feel better before I start feeling better mentally. Or should I work on both at the same time? With it being summer, I do not have many extra hours to work with to go to doctor’s/therapist’s appointments every day.

My poor husband has to deal with the brunt of my anger/grumpiness. I unleash it all on him. After I do or when I am alone, I realize what a terror I have become and feel so guilty. Yet, the next flare up, I do the same. I hope he realizes how much I love him and appreciate his support!

Week 5 of Summer

Due to July 4th and a week with no camps, I did not write about the 5th week of Summer. It was a difficult week pain-wise — probably one of my most grueling in quite some time. Monday, I had my MRI and decided to track down all my past MRIs for copies. I am still trying to see if I am able to get my ones from NYC, but that may not happen. It was interesting reading over the results and seeing the number of MRIs I have gotten since 20414!

If not for Roger’s enthusiasm of July 4th, I would have stayed home that day in bed! However, he had so much fun swimming at a friend’s house, playing with sparklers and watching fireworks. Although enjoying the company of friends, I was thinking about my bed all during the fireworks…

Thursday of last week, Roger had a lot of dental procedures done — 2 crowns, 3 fillings and 4 sealants. In the past we have tried (very unsuccessfully) laughing gas and the cocktail for pediatric procedures. This time I opted for full-on anesthesia. He did well through the procedures which ended up including pulling his two front teeth. I was nervous to see how he would react to that. When he roused, he was very sad (as predicted) and very out of it. My heart went out to him. Such a little boy! Luckily, the nurse carried him to the car. Unfortunately, I realized that I would have to carry this 70 pound boy from the garage up three stairs and into the bedroom. I did not think he would be incapable of grabbing onto me to help with the carry. Getting him out of the booster seat was an ordeal. I asked him to hold onto me, but he could not comprehend nor seem to have any strength to do so. I don’t know how, but I ended up lifting him off the floor of the garage and managed to get him onto the bed without dragging him.

He was sad for a long time and tired too. However, he could not fall back asleep. He just laid in bed staring at the ceiling. Eventually, we started watching Diary of a Wimpy Kid and he started waking up more. His sitter came by and I asked her to run a couple of errands, since he did not want to see her. My foresight was not great, so we needed some soft foods like jello. Also, I could not leave Roger’s side, so I asked her to walk the dogs. After that, Roger wanted to be with the sitter, was sitting up and happy, had some jello, and was excited about the tooth fairy. He handled the whole situation so well. I am so proud of him.

My back, on the other hand, did not handle that carry very well. I was in excruciating pain on Friday. I hoped to do something easy with Roger, like go to the movies, but my back wanted me to remain home. Seeing him almost fall asleep during a couple of errands made me realize he, too, still needed the rest.

Yesterday and today, my back still aches and I have realized that I cannot wait the two weeks to see the back doctor before getting some muscle relaxers or a good anti-inflammatory. Tomorrow, I will call pain management physician and see if she has an earlier appointment. Tuesday I start physical therapy and hope that will help but, from what I recall, that takes time too.

Here’s hoping week 6 ends up less painful!

Pain in the Back

This morning I went to my back doctor. The picture of the human body where you are supposed to show the areas that are hurting all had little marks all over it from me. However, the nurse told me that the way it works, despite having various degrees of pain from neck to tailbone, is starting with the area with the most severe pain. That would be my neck/cervical area.

I have such little movement looking down or side to side. I have to turn my back to look over my shoulder when driving. I have had pain radiating down my arms going on months now. I have had 2 epidural shots at the end of 2015 and mid 2016. The first did nothing to help the pain. The second caused excruciating pain down my arms that I had to take extra medication for. I have tried physical therapy and chiropractic sessions for months. So, I had to go full circle back to the orthopedic doctor.

Today, I had new xrays of my neck taken. I have cervical spondylosis in C5 through C7, pretty severely. Normally, he says, he would recommend epidural shots and PT to start. Since neither helped and it has been an issue for so many years, he said surgery is my best bet. According to the surgeon, it is a pretty simple surgery: For this procedure, he will make an incision in the throat and movs the windpipe and esophagus aside to get to the cervical spine. He then removes the discs, replacing them with bone grafts or artificial implants. It is a one night hospital stay and 6 week recovery. It sounds gruesome to me!

The pain down my arms is getting more severe, more painful, and more frequent. Also, my fingers fall asleep each night numerous times all do to pinching nerves. This seems the best solution. Since the recovery time is so long, I have opted to wait until the end of the summer to get the surgery, so we can still go swimming a lot. In the meantime (once insurance okays it), I will be getting an MRI, Physical Therapy, and a lumber epidural injection.

Hungry

I am so hungry all the time lately. I wonder what the culprit could be. I am exercising to help reduce stress and be healthier. I am blogging to help with the same issues. The one aspect of my life that is really troubling is my lack of sleep. I keep wondering if that is why I am so hungry.

I do not want to take sleep medication but wonder what I could do differently to sleep more. First off, I sleep in Roger’s bed and that is not going to change anytime soon. I try to go to sleep without too much on my mind but sometimes, like last night, I kept replaying some items from the day. I read all the tips on what to avoid and what to do to sleep better. I am not sure if having the fitbit tell me how little sleep I am getting is causing me to sleep less and/or to feel more tired.

Today I meet with my nutritionist and will discuss hunger/sleep/mood cycle and all that good stuff. I really am thinking the root of most of my mood issues, food issues, back issues stem from lack of sleep and the inability for my body to restore itself due to that.

Anyhow I just finished breakfast/lunch and would love another cup of coffee. I shall resist the urge and trudge along.

Tuesday

Today was another productive morning: loaded the dishwasher, did another load of laundry, took out the garbage and recycling, got the pups ready for their grooming (which my husband took them to on his way to work), cleaned up a kitty mess from being stuck in the laundry room overnight, got Roger ready for camp and did Headsprout with him before he left.

Again, I was able to ride the FitDesk for a little over an hour while I worked. This morning I was incredibly hot — probably hot flashes — and I decided to take a quick shower afterwards. That helped me immensely. I also switched to wearing a very light summer dress. I feel so much better now.

Routine excites me more than anything out of the ordinary!

Quick update: my back gave it’s notice for the rest of day. It is hurting so bad. Should be fun lugging stuff to the pool….

Week 4 of Summer

Oh how I love Mondays! That is not sarcasm. I really do love the feel of Mondays. I get to start a new week and get everything organized!

Before work, I was able to put away the dishes, refill the dishwasher, do some laundry and do Roger’s “homework” with him. Also, thanks to my Roomba, I was able to get the downstairs vacuumed while I worked.

On a healthy note, I rode my FitDesk for 63 minutes. Hooray! And today’s food intake has been healthy (so far). Unfortunately, my arms are (have been) hurting. I am certain it is caused by pinched nerves due to my herniated discs. I am looking forward to my orthopedic doctor’s appointment on Friday. I am sure x-rays/MRI will be ordered. I read this weekend that Yoga is as effective as physical therapy in regard to back issues. I will bring that up with my doctor. (Article) My fear is ending up with a back like my mother, so I have to nip it in the bud…for the umpteenth time. However, this time I am dedicated to continuing the plan even when I am feeling fine. And, to try to reverse my eating habits after some stressful weeks and an indulgent weekend, I am seeing my nutritionist on Thursday.

Let’s make 44 a healthy, happy year!

Good Morning, 44

Yesterday I was in such a foul mood all day that I had mentally prepared to write this blog about my 43rd year. I will still write the intended post but I am not in quite the same sour mood I was when contemplating it.

I kept questioning why I was so depressed yesterday. Was 44th the hard birthday for me? People had said 40 would be hard but was not for me. I was looking forward to my 40’s. Why was turning 44 so depressing? Then the realization was that last year was a hard year for me.

Physically, I had (have) issues with my back and had some other instances that I had to go to the doctor and, in one instance, the ER. Hormonally, this year was utter chaos. My testosterone levels went from non-existent to way too much and the physical ramifications of that are still rearing it’s ugly head: body acne and body hair growth. These were two issues I have never had in the past 43 years. I had inquired at the OB/GYN how long I should remain on hormones (read 5 years). They pretty much told me I could remain on them forever. When I told my internist, she adamantly said 5 years maximum. Since we decided to stop the pellet for 6 months due to the side effects, that means I shall remain hormone-free due to my 5 year anniversary of my hysterectomy is 2018. Mentally/emotionally the testosterone made me more edgy and still is as I have to wait for all the excess testosterone to exit my system. Besides the Biote hormone pellet, my 43rd year was full of medications for depression/bipolar/anxiety and allergies, as well as supplements. I, with the help of my therapist, nutritionist and internist, have decided to wean off the majority of the medications. Currently, my roster is fluoxetine, Zyrtec, multivitamin, probiotic, and vitamin D3. I have cut out about 10 medications/supplements.

My 43rd year had been a year that I have dealt with being my most unhealthy self. I have made small steps to try rectifying it but not consistently so. In addition, 43 was a year of added stress: Roger entering public school, my mother’s surgery, a short stint of returning to grad school, the passing of Snuffles, other family issues, etc. Don’t get me wrong, there have been positives (mainly on the Roger front in regards to progress/growth). However, I do not think I have allowed myself time for grief and that is why a low mood has persisted. Is it too late to grieve? How can one force oneself to grieve appropriately? Does one just move past it and say hello to the new day/the new year and push through? So many thoughts as I enter year 44…

Cranky in the a.m.

I truly woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I am not sure if it was last night’s sleep (or lack thereof), the eve of my 44th birthday, overall impatience with summer and lack of alone time. Whatever the cause, I was not a very happy camper this morning and was not very nice to my husband and son. Of course, having my time alone and my morning “bike ride”, I feel much more settled and calm.

I wish I was better at coping and not so outwardly cranky. Roger gets ABA (Applied Behavioral Analysis) to teach him how to deal with situations better and act appropriately. Clearly, I could use some ABA too!

Mid-week, week 3

It’s officially mid-week of Week 3 of Summer. I am feeling pretty at ease this late morning. This week I have finished Season 3 of Kimmy Schmidt and am finishing up on the amazing Season 2 of Catastrophe. I love this show so much that I enjoyed watching this season for a second time. Watching a show like Catastrophe makes me feel like myself. I don’t get to explore life like I did pre-Roger in the city, but this gives me a dose of happiness. It’s definitely not a show for everyone, but a perfect fit for me.

With Roger at a camp so nearby, I get to walk him and the dogs to and from camp. I enjoy that little bit of outdoors, even though it’s already hot and humid at 9 in the morning. That is making my mood a bit cheerier, as well as riding the exercise bike the past 3 days.

If I think about it, what is really making my mood stable is routine. I LOVE routine and consistency. The lack of spontaneity may make me seem a bit boring and I always wished I could be more spontaneous but this is my happy place.

Week 3 of Summer

The week tends to begin on a great note. Monday goes as scheduled. However, life is unpredictable, so the rest of the week may not go as smoothly. Just as last week, this week I am hopeful. Perhaps, I am even more hopeful due to the fact that Roger LOVED camp last week. Tomorrow, he begins a different camp that he will be going to for two weeks (6 half days) in June and two weeks in July. This camp we can walk to which makes drop off and pick up so easy!

Friday, I turn 44. I had so many high hopes for my wellness by this time in the year. I have not been consistent in exercise or healthy eating. My back issues have also resurfaced, so I have an appointment the end of the month. I am really at a loss about how to make wellness part of my routine. I subscribe to emails for inspiration, use apps inconsistently, and just cannot put the drive back into me. Summer’s chaotic schedule does not help, since my sitter and my son’s therapy/camp time is used exclusively for my work schedule. In between therapies, work, and play dates/swimming, there is virtually no free time until roughly 8 pm at night and I am zonked by then. I don’t want to wait 2.5 months to have a routine. This has all dampened my mood, as well. My anxiety and depression have been surfacing a lot lately this summer. I read that blogging can help with anxiety, so I hope to write more this week.

If you are in the same boat (or have been in the past), let me know what worked for you to snap out of it and into a successful wellness routine.

Week 2 of Summer

I would like to start this post by thanking those family members and friends that have reached out in concern of my mother and myself. It is so very sweet that we are in your thoughts and that you have reached out. Again, thank you all very much!

Week 2 of Summer begins a little easier than last week. Perhaps, it is due to my mindset. Last night, although up late, I was able to finally spend some alone time with my husband and watch the first few episodes of this season’s Orange is the New Black. If it hadn’t been midnight, I would have stayed up longer. This season is just so good! That, and last week’s Comey testimony, let me escape myself and focus on life outside of our bubble.

With my mind a little de-stressed, I am happy to announce that, although still in excruciating pain, my mother is finally reaping the benefits of in-home physical therapy and able to move about the apartment with either the use of a wheelchair or walker. That, of course, also puts my mind a tad at ease and am happy her follow-up appointment is Wednesday where her pain medications should be sorted out and aide in her recovery.

On the home front, today’s maintenance was having our dryer vent cleaned. The roof inspector said it was a hazard and needed to be done soon. The tech who came out said there was a lot of lint but has seen much, much worse. I asked him a timeline of when we should have it done again (websites all claim yearly). He said with a family of 3 and pets, he recommends every 8-10 years! This type of honesty makes me smile ear to ear.

Finally, tomorrow Roger begins the first of his part-time summer camps. This one is Wacky Olympics at Yogi Kids. The past couple of days he has told me how much he is going to miss me and how he is nervous about going to camp. Believe me Roger, I am too!

Too much

The past few weeks have been extremely busy, exhausting, and stressful. The first item I must remember for years to come is the increase of school events in the month of May. It is like a month-long, non-stop field trip. There were so many activities I had to rearrange my work schedule and neglect the house and doggies.

The biggest hiccup for May was my mom’s surgery and lack of care, thereafter. The surgery was done on May 23rd and the care she received in the hospital was very good. However, they released her to a skilled nursing facility two days after surgery. We were hoping she would receive more physical therapy. All she received was neglect. Daily, I would arrive around 9 in the morning to have found the remnants of the neglect from the night before or from earlier that morning. You walk into the facility hearing the unanswered beeps from various rooms and the ignored patients screaming for help. I made so many phone calls to so many different people who work for that facility, as well as the hospital that released her and other care options. We received apologies but each morning I would encounter the same scenario. Sunday, May 28th, we took my mom from the facility to the ER to check up on her since she had fallen numerous times at the skilled nursing center with nobody following up on her well-being. After many, many hours at the ER, she was discharged to go home. The ER doctor described the neglect her own mother faced in a NY facility and how she decided to remove her as well. What a sad scenario for those patients who do not have family able to constantly look out for them!

My mom still has quite a way to go before she is, literally, back on her feet. However, having her back at home versus the center eases all of our minds. I had been trying to visit her daily while Roger had school. School ended on June 1st and, unfortunately, Roger got sick the second day of summer break and I have not been able to spend much time with my mother. He is still recuperating (not contagious) but do not want to have him around my weakened mother, since she could be more susceptible.

Yesterday, my husband took Roger to the movies and I had a few hours alone at home. The last day I had alone at home was May 22nd. For someone who works at home, that is an eternity. Although I mainly did chores around the house, it restored my mental health. I feel like I can now conquer this week – the first full week of summer break.

It’s been a week.

Well, I haven’t posted in a week. The weekend did not go smoothly and it was very tumultuous, unfortunately. However, I will not disclose information of such personal, family matters. I will just state that things are back on track, all is well, and I have an amazing husband and a caring father.

Monday, I remained in bit of a funk. I was completely wiped out emotionally and mentally, so I skipped exercise and just made it through the working day. I had issues with getting onto the Remote Desktop at work on Saturday, so I had an additional workload for Monday night. The problem ensued Monday night and I had to use my iPhone as a hotspot to finish my procedures. Prior to that, it was a couple of hours trying to connect and contacting Spectrum. It was very stressful, to say the least. Fortunately, by Tuesday morning, the internet and phone were working again and (knock on wood) have been continually working.

I was able to get in some exercise on my FitDesk on Tuesday and went to an intermediate yoga class yesterday. Oh boy, that kicked my butt (or my legs and back, to be exact). All of my strength was used on that workout. Yesterday, I tried the no caffeine again, as well as eating only non-reactive foods. I was completely depleted by 2 pm and asleep at 7:30. Unfortunately, I only got 7 hours of sleep, because my sleep is always restless since having Roger.

This morning I woke up sore and determined to change up what would be a very restrictive LEAP diet. I contacted the nutritionist with an outline of what I plan to modify. She said it was a great idea and that I will probably last longer on the “diet/lifestyle” due to the modifications. First summer life with a 6 year old boy who happens to have autism and working full-time will be hard enough without having insane food restrictions. The first modification: COFFEE. I had a cup and was actually able to vacuum. Yesterday, I was lump on the sofa.

On a different note, tonight I get to see one band that I have been aching to see for the past 28 years: The Damned. Both times I previously set out to see them, there was an issue. This is their 40th Anniversary tour and I thought, yet again, the plan was going to be foiled when Captain Sensible fell off the stage and broke his rib(s). And, then, once it was still a go-ahead, our sitter double-booked for tonight. Fortunately, I met with other sitters and we have that covered. Now, the weather calls for hail, so there’s always something!

One more tidbit of good news: in the past two months, I have lost 7.2 pounds. If I just lose 3 pounds a month, I will be at my goal weight by next March. No pressure – just taking it one step at a time.

So depressed.

Yesterday afternoon and this morning, my sore throat got even more sore. My allergies have been attacking me from every direction. Today, I feel like I’ve been run over by a bus a half dozen times. I am so depressed that I have not felt well in so long. However, today may be one of the worst days. My nutritionist advised me to stop coffee (I’ve been on one cup a day) in preparation for next week’s change to the LEAP diet. I told Rob, so he only made himself a cup. Needless to say, to make it through my working day feeling like crap, I had to make myself one cup of coffee.

Now to boast about some accomplishments this week: two yoga classes and one day on the FitDesk. I planned on riding today as well, but the walk to and from Roger’s school with the doggies was too much for me. I also created some tentative work/sitter schedules through the end of July. Things may come up (they always do), but I feel ready for the summer now. I must schedule some fun pool and CAC time with Roger. I want him to enjoy his first summer out of school.

Here’s hoping I feel better to have some fun with the family this Mother’s Day weekend and I get out of this emotional funk created by this physical setback!

Building a routine

It may not be the ideal time to build a routine, being that schools lets out in a few weeks and that may throw a wrench in my routine. I went to Monday’s yoga class and it was a great class. It was mainly a stretching class which helped my back immensely. Wednesday’s class is more advanced, but I plan on doing as much as I can. There is always child’s pose when it gets too tough for me. That begins my routine: Monday and Wednesday will be yoga days. Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, I will use my FitDesk. Saturday will be my rest day and Sundays I may check out the Yin & Sit yoga class. This Sunday is Mother’s Day and I signed up for Yoga Nidra which, according to the website, is the practice of conscious yogic sleep, a meditative and restorative experience that allows you to transcend physical and mental barriers so that you may place intentions – or sankalpa – at the innermost level of your being. The yogic sleep part sounds good to me!

I’ve also been sticking to the one cup of coffee per day til the first day of my LEAP lifestyle change. This is going to be my hardest habit to break. I’ve realized how much coffee has suppressed my appetite in the morning. I’m hungry at 9 instead of 11 or 12, which I am not used to. Also, my depleted energy no longer gets a caffeine boost. Hopefully, a few weeks into the dietary changes, I will have energy once again. Although knowing it will be a bit overwhelming, I am very much looking forward to the change. I will need to write a food log, as well as note any bodily reaction to the foods I am allowed. I am used to logging on a notepad, but considering putting them on my blog. I was reading another blog that has been following a person on a LEAP diet and she said she does not have the ability to log daily, so I will be aware of that challenge.

In the meantime, I’ve typed up my next three work schedules which lead up to summer but will need to figure out past that. I should also start planning meals for the time leading up to summer. Hmmm…maybe tomorrow.

Busy, busy week

Besides my job, this week has been a busy and exhausting week. As a recap, I went to yoga for the first time in a bajillion years on Monday. It was so hard — I am so out of shape. I also had to deal with insurance (re: my son’s ABA therapy), gather garbage, do some wash, change the kitty litter, and wait for the roof to get replaced. It was just stressful trying to do a lot in a little time. Boy, was I in a pissy mood. Tuesday, I felt utterly crappy and I had my allergist appointment that led to 4 new medications that have not aided in making me feel better but just cruddier. Wednesday was my son’s ARD for 1st grade. Already nervous about what services could potentially be cut, I was still feeling utterly horrible physically. Thankfully, not much was cut. We were, overall, in agreement. The shortness of the ARD (the last one took 2 days) gave me time to rest, which I NEVER get to do. Thursday, a friend drove me to our sons’ first Field Trip in kindergarten. They went to the Fort Worth Museum of Science and Nature. Can I tell you how exhausting a field trip can be? My mother noted it may exhaust me more since I am older than a lot of the moms — thanks! Today, I got to have a nice “normal” workday at home. Unfortunately, the roof work started today, which means I got to hear hammering since 8:30 this morning.

I did make a few decisions today despite the noisiness. I decided to end my chiropractic care. I went through the suggested 15 session schedule and have seen no improvement. I am definitely going to have to take a different course of action when it comes to my back. The only time chiropractic care helped was in NYC when I went to an integrative practice. They would not even adjust me for the first few weeks — just do stem and hot/cold therapy. After adding adjustments, physical therapy was slowly started. Finally, 30 minute back massages were added. It worked like a charm and was a fantastic approach. I may try to find a similar practice here.

My other decision was to stop taking 3 of the 4 medications the allergist prescribed. I’ve decided to finish the course of antibiotics but stop the rest. Nothing has changed in my overall being and definitely not the areas they were targeting — cough, labored breathing. I emailed the office and they said to follow-up Monday if there was no change with being on the antibiotic.

Next week, I am hoping to conquer yoga 2 days. I know, crazy. I will definitely go Monday and let you know if I survive.

Queen of Allergies

I went to the allergist to talk about how my allergies have gotten worse and the shots do not seem to be helping anymore. Unfortunately, I get the highest dosage possible and I get an epi-rinse since I get a bad reaction from them. When the doctor came in, she referred to me as “the Queen of Allergies”. Below is a list of my allergy test results. Anything with a fraction, I am allergic to (they did not test food). She is gung-ho, YAY, allergy shots, so she does not want me to discontinue. Instead, she wants me to take a bunch of meds to try and feel meh, instead of hellish. She thinks it’s a combo of untreated sinus infection, allergies, asthma, and acid reflux. I go back in two weeks. Above my allergy list is my treatment list.

“Mommy, you’re sick a lot”

I woke up this morning with terrible allergies (surprise, surprise). I told my husband that I probably will not accomplish much around the house and only have energy for my work. My son retorted, “mommy, you’re sick a lot”. I told him that I have really bad allergies that have been making me very sick. In actuality, I have a compromised immune system due to my allergies, stress, lack of sleep, etc. Hearing that from my son took me a bit aback. He usually does not pay too much attention to how others are feeling. He is only 6 and usually life revolves around yourself at that age. Double that with his autism, he usually will just keep asking for me to do things and take him places once I say I am sick. He probably still will afterschool. However, he does know he has to accompany me to the allergy doctor. Maybe he will listen a bit to what she tells me, but I bet he will just be focused on the iPad!

I was hoping to feel better today. I did yoga for the first time in a long time yesterday. What was a simple, beginner’s class really tested me (and my allergies). I also rode the bike for an hour yesterday. Today, I planned to ride the bike but woke up with terrible wheezing from the allergies. I did conquer work and was able to do a few laundry chores during my lunch. My lunch has consisted of leftover matzo. My stomach feels terrible, as well. I figured crackers would be the best bet. Tomorrow is my son’s ARD. I am sure the stress of that is not helping today.