Author: leahbisrael

I have decided to write a new post today.  I am not sure what this will be about or if it will go anywhere.  I logged in and realized it’s been over a month since my last posting!  It’s amazing that when I should blog most often — when things are feeling completely out of control and I should get things off my chest — is when I cannot muster up the energy to type.

This week has been very kind to me (despite the broken toe).  Roger has been an adorable toddler, Rob’s been a sweet hubby, my parents have been here when I need them, and my niece is watching my son as I work paying so much attention to him!

This week, I wholeheartedly believe in the statement:  “Life is Good”.  I know most of my posts end up sounding negative, but today I cannot refrain from pointing out all the positives in my life:  a loving husband, a fantastic, whimsical son, supportive parents and niece who live nearby, a beautiful house, the opportunity to work from home, beginning to establish friendships, a successful support group.

Therefore, I will state it one more time:  LIFE IS GOOD!

It is not unusual for me to feel overwhelmed.  However, last week, I anticipated a more restful week this week since I have been pacing my work and should be able to relax more during Roger’s naps (if he naps).  For some reason, I feel more overwhelmed than usual today.  Almost panicky.  And, did I mention, completely exhausted?!

I did hope Roger would nap today, but no such luck. Actually, he did fall asleep for about 10-15 minutes on our walk, but woke up about 3 minutes after I put him in bed.  I really could have used the rest today.  I am feeling run down and completely starving.  I am not limiting my intake today.  It’s just one of those hungry days.  Completely insatiable.

I wish my post was more than a bitch and moan, bitch and moan.  BUT this is what it is.  As I typed that sentence, I heard a thud against the house.  As I look out of the window, I see 3 high school kids walking by.  Perfect timing, you stinkers!

Last night while cuddling next to my sleeping toddler, I questioned my whole thought on transitioning him to his own bed.  I love these nights and waking up to him in the mornings.

However, that thought quickly vanished when, not even hours later,  the little man was rolling all about my head.  He wants to share my pillow — meaning I have about 4 inches of space for my head and the rest is for his head.  I guess dangling my head from the bed seems like a good solution to him!

Through his morning wake-up ritual of rolling all over the bed, singing his “nay nay” and “da da da’s”, putting his finger up my nose and labeling “nose”, I tried to explain to him that we were going to get him his own big boy bed that he will be sleeping in on the floor of his own bedroom.  I am quite certain he did not listen to a word I said.

Me being perpetually grumpy and him being perpetually whiny is a cycle that needs to end soon.

Let’s hope we survive til then!

Yes, sirree I am writing in my blog two days in a row!

My new obsession is redesigning Roger’s bedroom into a somewhat Montessori toddler room.  This weekend we will shop for a twin mattress, some Roger-picked sheets, maybe a small bookcase…What started this frenzy?  Two things, primarily:  Number 1 is complete lack of sleep — Roger is sleeping so terribly and causing me to sleep terribly as well.  This is not making for pleasant days; just very moody, long ones!  Secondly, the occupational therapist suggested we start the process of weaning him from the family bed.

I have tried mentioning this to Roger, but I am not sure he knows yet what I am speaking of.  I think he will love the idea of a twin bed on his bedroom floor.  I do not think he will love the idea that he is supposed to sleep in it by himself.

However, I do realize that preschool starts in less than a year and I have been trying to keep my toddler a baby.  I think we’ve been subconsciously doing so because of his delays.  I have seen great strides in therapy and I think it is time for us to put more control in Roger’s itty bitty hands!  Choosing some clothes, brushing his teeth, possible potty training down the line, and sleeping in his own bed.

All of this may be more difficult for me than him…

Well, it has been two months since I have written in my blog.  However, I would not refer to it as a respite.  With Roger’s current therapy schedule and my current sitter/work schedule, we have little spurts of free time:  Tuesdays after 10:30 til Roger’s possible naptime, Monday afternoons and Wednesday afternoons after 3:15.  Of course, our weekends remain pretty open with the exception of errands.

It seems that after 3 plus years here in Chico, we may be starting to find our niche.  Roger has his “girlfriend” and his best friend.  That is a good start!  Roger is a high commodity here in town. It seems wherever we go, people tend to remember Roger from our days at the library.  I will attribute this to his very big personality and non-stop running/dancing/touching/escaping.

What else can I say about the past two months?  Well, Roger turned two.  Both sets of grandparents were at his birthday party!  Our ASD support group is growing.  My parents help Rob and I get time alone and help me on a daily basis — either with helping with Roger or just listening to me.

With all these good things happening, it is hard to imagine that I can still be a bit blue.  However, I am and I think that may have been one of the factors of my writing halt.  I felt entry after entry was just depressing.  Secondly, time was and still is an issue.

We will see how often I keep this up.  Not a very exciting post, but a post nonetheless.  Cheers to me!

As is usual, I have been very reflective.  I am a very polarizing individual, I do believe.  I am opinionated, can be loud, can be obnoxious, am usually sarcastic, have a realistic (i.e., pessimistic) outlook on life, etc.  I think some people cannot deal with such a person.  I have decided, “To thine own self be true…”.  I am not going to be one person for you and a different person for others.  The only instance I do this is in professional relations.  However, if we are “friends” or “acquaintances” and you do not like my blunt viewpoint, you may “defriend” me both on Facebook and in life.  That may seem harsh, but what I truly have as a pet peeve is someone who complains, is negative and bleak in one instance and portrays themselves like an optimistic, cheery, blessed being for others.  Listen, I am a complainer and usually have a dismal outlook.  Yes, I do love my family and my life and am “blessed”, but I am not a sugary sweet individual.

In some aspects of my life I have decided to take some initiative to alter my personality a bit.  I have a tendency to rib the individuals I am closest to (especially my husband).  We bicker back and forth and constantly make fun of each other.  We are both laughing as we do so, but I no longer find this healthy.  People looking at us may think we do not like each other much.  I don’t want Roger to think we do not respect each other and that it is okay to “make fun” of people.   I respect my husband and he respects me, but I think we get carried away.  Maybe we are both struggling comedians (We are both jewish…hmmm).

Life is complicated.  People are complicated.  I confuse even myself.  I may need to change in some areas, but overall I like my Opinionated Pinko-Commie self!

I have been in a bit of a slump…have not been blogging, have not been exercising as much as I should, have not been sleeping well, have not been eating well, have not been managing stress well.  To sum it up, I have been down in the dumps and you would not want to be near me most of the time.

I have always been a morning person, so every morning I awake in pretty good spirits.  However, that feeling quickly gets dissolved by exhaustion.  Then, I usually try to talk myself into a new, healthy start:  I will exercise on such and such days, I will start eating this and that and not eating that and this, etc.  Then, when gym time starts creeping up on me, I start thinking, but I am too tired to work-out, I have too many other things to do, or could I just go to bed instead?  The cycle continues into all areas of my life and it just adds to the depression.

How does one get out of this place?  I feel like I have been here for years!

Saturday was my thirty-ninth birthday. I woke to a happy little boy sticking fingers in my face. I love waking up next to the lil man. Rob continued the happy momentum by showering me with gifts! It was a fantastic, mellow morning.

We started the brunch hour with a walk to the farmer’s market, followed by mimosas and pizza at Grana. Roger was such a good boy at brunch. Afterwards, we went to the park, got coffee, and took a walk until Roger fell asleep for his nap.

Fortunately, my parents were able to watch Roger while Rob and I had a nice dinner out. I failed to mention that we were able to fit in a movie during Roger’s nap, Amoldovar’s “The Skin I Live In”. It has been quite a long time since I was able to enjoy a good movie at home.

I couldn’t have asked for a better way to start my thirty-ninth year!

Now that Roger’s therapy has begun again (this time with an interventionist who is supposed to remain Roger’s interventionist until his program ends at the age of 3), I am feeling that things are falling back into place.  Add to that the fact that Roger is starting to bond with his grandparents, I can feel myself almost able to heave a sigh of relief!

I think Roger and I function better with a consistent and full schedule.  In the next few weeks, his interventionist schedule will become a consistent M-F 8:30 start time.  When that happens, I feel our schedule will be complete and that we will know what to expect next (as much as one can).

That being said, he will be having his speech therapy evaluation in July and start speech therapy in August.  I hope that will not cause a big upheaval.

At least, July should be a very good month!

Looking forward to a time of peaceful existence…whenever that may be!

I have been in a “poor Roger” and “poor me” mood as of late.  Yes, things are difficult.  Yes, I want to run away some days.  Yes, I wish the circumstances were different.  However, I do not want to pity myself…or have you pity me…or have you say what a fantastic parent I am doing all this for my son.  Who would not do this for their child?  Am I a good mom because my son has autism?

I have not blogged the past few days and was not planning to blog today.  But, I wanted to state the above and not have anyone concerned about my absence from the “blogosphere”. I think I need to take a vacation from autism.  I know that is impossible, but I do not feel like dwelling on it at the present time.  I dwell enough in my head that I do not want to blog about it and burden you too!

Therefore, my hiatus shall continue til I change my mind (which could be next month or the next hour!)…

This week, Roger had 1 1/4 therapy sessions.  His last session was Tuesday morning.  I received notice on Wednesday that his interventionist will be changed.  His program manager set an appointment to discuss this with me Thursday morning.  Thursday morning the second bomb was dropped — my program manager will be changed as well.  There was no additional information:  when the new manager and interventionist would begin, what his schedule would be, perhaps there’d be a sub in the meantime…Roger was very upset when she left.  I think he expected her to play with him (as she sometimes does his therapy).  I feel terrible that he is having a gap in services.  I love to keep him scheduled.  We both need it dearly.

This morning we got the answers:  Roger will be on vacation from PIP therapy next week and his new interventionist will begin June 18th.  I will meet the new program manager next Wednesday with Carley.  Finally, his schedule will be inconsistent:  M/W/Th:  8:30 sessions and T/F 10:45 sessions.  The Tuesday/Friday sessions will be painful for him, since he awakes at 5:30.  This means juggling around the babysitter’s schedule too.  Tuesday and Fridays she will be working 7:45 am – 10:45 am.  I am sure she is thrilled by the early morning hours!

I hope it is all for the best…Time will tell.

I feel people disregard that fact that I work because I am a WAHM  (work-at-home-mom).  Also, I feel, as a mother, I also get disregarded.  Roger’s interventionist arrives late for therapy sessions, I receive texts asking if I can make last-minute rearrangements for the sitter’s schedule, my lack of sleep is not as important as someone who works outside of the home.  I do not get to sleep during Roger’s nap time, I have to work.

There are times that I “put my foot down”, but usually feel guilty about it afterwards.  Yesterday, I sent an e-mail to Roger’s program manager complaining about his interventionist’s constant tardiness.  Normally, I would feel badly about such an e-mail.  However, I just feel more enraged.  I have to admit I do not feel connected to his interventionist the way I was with his first interventionist.  I could take or leave her.  She is nice, but a tad flaky and very high energy which seems to rile up Roger.  His first interventionist was very calm and that seemed to rub off on Roger, at least during session time.

Currently, I am really wanting a break.  No, I don’t want to grab coffee outside of the house or go to a movie. I would love just to pull the sheets over my head and do nothing for an entire day.  How can I accomplish this goal of mine?  If I do, maybe I won’t be quite as pissed at the world!  In the meantime, watch out for me…

I cannot catch up on sleep.  I wake up so tired and just get more tired as the day continues.

Roger is on the same path.  He wakes up at 5:30 and cannot be talked into falling back to sleep.  Then, he just yawns and yawns and gets very cranky and irritable for his therapy session and crashes with the babysitter.  How can we break this cycle and get the sleep we so desperately need?  *Any advice would be appreciated!*

Besides going through the day like the walking dead, I do try to keep our day scheduled and filled with a similar routine.  I am not getting used to feeling sleep deprived.  Is Roger?  It would be one thing if he was still happy-go-lucky then we could accept that he only needs that much sleep.  However, this is not the case.  It makes both of our days more emotional, stressful, and long!

I wish the next cup of coffee will successfully wake me up.  I am truly doubtful.

Klutziness is a family trait.

This Thursday, prior to my dentist appointment, I decided to stop at Safeway to pick up a few things.  However, I barely made it into the store.  I tripped over the curb leading to the store and nearly crashed into a family!  The oddest thing about tripping is while the act was occurring I was trying to figure out how to stop this catastrophic event.  Unable to do so, I did not think about how to lessen the fall — put hands out to protect face.  Instead, my forehead, chin, left hip, and inner right knee hit the pavement.  I rolled over and kept my face covered until I was courageous enough to unmask myself — both out of embarrassment and fear of a bloody face.  I was helped up by the woman I almost ran over and noticed quite a few people looking on.  I kept apologizing…for what, I do not know.  I kept stating how embarrassed I was also.  It is strange what comes out of your mouth when you do not put a filter on yourself.  I think the apologies and stated embarrassment continued for five minutes or so.

I grabbed a shopping cart while holding back tears and tried to go shopping.  However, the tears did come and my body started shaking.   I could not stop either from happening.  In addition, the pain started creeping in.  I decided to leave the cart in the store and get to the car as quickly as I could without tripping again.

Once in the car, I knew I could not drive.  I looked in the mirror and was amazed you could not see anything — a little bump on the forehead and chin.  I was aching…my head and chin throbbing…and the shakes continued.  I called my mom and Rob before I tried to head home.  I got home quickly and remained in the car for a few minutes — for fear of Roger accidentally hurting me.  But, the heat drove me out of the car.  I got in the house and bee-lined to the bedroom.

Two days have passed and the pain remains.  It actually feels a bit worse.  The majority of my pain is in my neck and upper back, my left arm – which must have hit the ground or twisted or something, my left hip, and my abs — as if I did crunches or something.  I am hoping it feels better by Monday.  If not, I guess I may have to go to the doctor (although our day is pretty packed already).

C’mon body, fix yourself!

The past few days have been extremely stressful.

Rob and I are excited to have my parents here in Chico.  However, Roger is not so keen on the idea.  He has been crying off and on since they arrived early Tuesday afternoon.  I thought it would cease by now.  It is starting to make my parents feel badly, especially my mother whom he seems to have a more adverse reaction to.  The perpetual meltdowns are exhausting all of us!

Besides the exhaustion, I am unable to do anything that requires me to leave the room that Roger is in.  It is making every day little tasks turn into monumental events:  laundry, dishes, going to the bathroom, etc. This is causing more stress and exhaustion.  My body feels incredibly tense head-to-toe.  Plus, my energy is gone and the yawning begins at 6 am and ends at 10 pm (or whenever I can actually fall asleep).

The past week has been incredibly overwhelming for Roger (and the rest of us).  Thursday night was the Support Group, Friday was the Fair, and Saturday we went away to Ashland.  Tuesday, we tried to get Roger back on routine, but my parents arrived that afternoon — upsetting his routine and his environment.  I feel so badly for him, for my parents, his sitter, and for my husband and I.

I have to admit I feel the most sorrow for Roger and myself — the two of us who have to deal with his meltdowns the most frequently!

After weeks of looking in the mailbox in anticipation, I finally received Roger’s ADOS Report today.  I grabbed it before putting Roger in the car for his M/W Autism Playgroup at the Parent Infant Program.

Once settled into PIP, I opened what appeared to be quite a lengthy report by the feel of the envelope.  I quickly realized more than half of the items were his previous reports and questionnaires we had filled out prior to the ADOS.  Then, I scanned the report — namely for the infamous score.  Roger’s score in the communication section was 4 (autism cutoff = 4; autism spectrum cutoff = 2).   His score for the reciprocal social interaction was 13 (autism cutoff = 7; autism spectrum cutoff = 4).  His total score of 17 falls in the classic autism range (autism cutoff = 12; autism spectrum cutoff = 7).  I guess I could change the subtitle of this blog from “Our journey into the autism spectrum” to plain old “Our journey into autism”.  It was a good thing to open at the playgroup because there were other parents there going through the same thing.  We joked about how well Roger did on his test!  And a friend told us about her experience at her son’s ADOS and how he displayed classic autistic behaviors that she had never seen him do in any other setting.  We joked about how amazingly well he did and how good his “grade” will be.

Joking aside, it still saddens me to get these reports.  I knew what it was going to say (not specifically, but in the ballpark) and it still affects me so!  Why is that?  I tried reading the report more thoroughly, but ended up scanning it for awful remarks, but did not see any.  His first evaluation at PIP remains the most cynical….well, besides his OT evaluation.

Later this evening, I shall try to read the report again front to back, not missing any words.  Perhaps a glass of wine will accompany me…or a seven-layer fudge cake?

Well, our Memorial Day / 5th anniversary weekend was memorable.

It began Friday evening when we decided to take Roger to the Silver Dollar Fair.  I was excited to see his reaction to the animals and lights and the whole hub-bub.  When we entered the fair, we immediately bumped into Roger’s sitter.  You would think he had never seen her or, even more precise, that he did not see her at all.  She excitedly said “Hi” and tried to get Roger’s attention, but he looked through her.  This demeanor pretty much remained at the fair.  When we entered the bunny room, where Roger even had the opportunity to pet a rabbit, he kept his eyes on the fan and we had to pressure him to quickly glance at the bunnies.  I have never seen a child ignore animals so much.  We can even have people bring their pets up to us and let us pet them.  I end up being the only one who pets the animal while Roger looks past it or through it.

Saturday, we left for Ashland, Oregon.  The drive was beautiful.  Roger napped for a little over an hour on the drive and was pretty well behaved the remainder of the drive.  Our visit was very low-key:  walks downtown and to the park, a drive to the winery, eating out…However, the change in routine and scenery really must have upset Roger’s system.  He had meltdowns almost the entire weekend.  It was absolutely exhausting.  The best day was Monday when he slept the majority of the ride home and was thrilled to be back at home.

I think we have decided to put a respite on weekends away with Roger.  It is too difficult for him to handle, which makes it really miserable for us.  Poor baby (and poor hubby and poor me)!

Well, last night was the second support group meeting and attendance was up!  Instead of two (Rob and I), it shot up to four (another couple).  That might not sound earth-shattering to you.  However, if the numbers keeps doubling each meeting…you do the math!

Actually, it was really nice being able to talk about parenthood with another couple in a similar situation.  Our sons’ first six months mirrored each other.  We discussed the difficulty, the depression, the questioning, the endless cries that could not be soothed, the difficulty getting our children to sleep, and the hatred of the baby swing!  The continuing issues with eating, the sensory integration issues, the autism diagnosis.  Although that may not sound like “happy” conversational topics, it was always nice to see each other looking at our kids with smiles on our faces at what they are doing and not dwelling on what they are not doing.

The only downside of the meeting was Roger’s reaction to the scenario. He did not have a meltdown or cry or make any sort of fuss.  Instead, overwhelmed by all the new stimulation, Roger completely shut down and went into his own world.  My husband showed up after we did and Roger did not acknowledge him at all.  I would physically bring Roger up to his father and he would not glance at him, acknowledge him, or react in any way.  After several attempts, I noticed he did not even seem to “see” me or anyone else in the room.  He did, at the beginning, stroll around looking at different toys and objects (especially the lights and fans).  Eventually, he just sat by a tricycle and played with the wheels.  Nothing could tear him away.

If not for the conversation, I would have been quite depressed.  Rob actually said, after the meeting, how hurt he was that Roger did not even care he was there.  Today, he has been going in and out of his own world.  He does not want to do what is asked of him, but does not seem to know what he wants to do either.  We have been told there will be ups and downs, progression and regression.

The past few weeks have been fantastic, so we may be having a few “not-so-fantastic” days.

Tonight marks the second ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) Parent Support Group that I began last month with the help of Rowell Family Empowerment Center and the ARC of Butte County.

The first group was very “intimate” with me, Rob and Roger.  I am hoping tonight’s outcome will be slightly better.  I am going to try to take it in stride and keep my sense of humor.  Otherwise, I will feel my effort has been wasted.  However, I have had the notion of, perhaps, attempting a more laid-back setting for June.  I would like to have a small meeting in my home or in the yard.  Although the ARC is very helpful providing food and a space, the room is a formal meeting room and does not seem like such a friendly place to chat.  In the past, I have attended support groups for my own recovery (eating disorders) and I have never been in such a formal setting.  I think a couch/floor/music provides more relaxation which would lead to more openness (as opposed to a round table with upright chairs).

Tomorrow, I will update you on the outcome and if I will attempt try number 3.

Today, my parents packed up the last of their items and are driving to Chico.  They are making what they are calling “their final move”.  I have heard this before, so you never know what the future holds.  However, I am so excited to be living in the same city as my parents!  It has been a decade.

Growing up, I was so close to them.  I never though I could leave their house.  I hesitated going away to college and opted for a commuter college instead.  Eventually, I had to get out of the hell that is South Florida.  Since that first move to Denver, we have lived together for short periods of time. And when they were living “nearby”, it was never very close.  Now, they will be living a 10 minute drive away.  It seems surreal.

I am so thrilled Roger will get to know his grandparents again.  They were out here for 2 months last Spring and it was so difficult saying good-bye.  Now, we won’t have to….they will be here for his birthday, they will be here for holidays, they will be here for his sessions.  They will be HERE!

I am also expecting some tension as my husband will have to adjust to having his in-laws living in town.  (I don’t know what I’d do if his parents moved to town.)  Plus, we all know that our personalities change a bit around our parents and we have to a tendency to regress to childhood.  I will do my best not to let that happen.  Although when I am sick, I will be so happy to have my mommy help me!

As I am typing and eagerly awaiting their arrival sometime the end of next week, I am grinning ear to ear.  I love my mommy and daddy!

Frustration is a key word in most of our days.  I easily frustrate and get pissed off.  My husband easily frustrates and yells over the smallest upsets.  SO, it is not a huge shock that Roger inherited our frustration gene.

Today’s therapy session was an “anger management”/”frustration management” session.  At one point, Roger’s interventionist said, “He is going to have to stop this crying”.  He would cry/whine anytime he had to do something he did not want to do.  I guess the kicker was that he did not feel like doing anything during his session.  That equals almost two hours of whining.  There were moments of quiet and joy, but they were few and far between.

Even before his session began, Roger tried to get his “spice bottle” from his play kitchen into a cup.  He got one to fit but a second one would not.  The crying/throwing/whining fit began.  And, after the session, the whininess continued.  He likes two tv shows but he calls them the same thing.  When I put the wrong one on, the crying/headbanging meltdown began.

I feel a lot of his frustration would be non-existent if he had more words to communicate with.  He mistakenly signs “more” instead of “all done”.  He says “babba babba” for Pocoyo now and not just Yo Gabba Gabba!  He has a vision of how he wants things to be but his motor skills will not enable him to do it. On top of that, he usually dislikes asking for help.  All of that creates one huge ball of frustration.

Despite all that, I love the whiny men in my life!

So thankful that tomorrow is the weekend!  It has felt like such a long week with mine and Roger’s terrible allergies, lack of sleep and endless teething of two-year molars!  I was at my rope’s end yesterday when Roger took a 20  minute nap and decided that was that.  I was hoping to nap with him, but he would not let me.  Instead, we went for a walk, watched some tv, and, eventually, went to his occupational therapy session.

His session went well.  The other boy who shares his session time with another OT and has a hard time transitioning spent the entire 45 minutes, yelling, crying, and kicking.  While Roger’s Occupational Therapist and I were at points distracted by his ear-piercing yells, Roger was only distracted by the toys being used to try to engage the other boy.  My lil man went far enough to crawl over to try and play with all the toys (numerous times) without looking, acknowledging, or seemingly hearing the other boy.  His therapist said, “That is really interesting to watch” and we discussed how poor Roger did on the social section of his ADOS and, obviously, how reflective this was of his diagnosis.

Fortunately, this is the last joint-session.  Roger did well at his session, but I think he will do much better when it is just him alone.  Unfortunately, his session is being switched to Wednesday afternoons.  That means his Wednesday schedule will look like this:

8:30 am – 10:30 am Early Intervention Session
11:00 am – 12:00 pm  Autism Playgroup
Nap (hopefully)
3:00 pm – 3:45 pm Occupational Therapy

That’s quite a busy day for a 21 month old (and his mother)!

Tomorrow, Rob and I have a much-needed date night.  TGIF!

It is amazing what a little Sudafed and a little relaxation (via Nurse Jackie) can do to a body, mind, and emotional state.  I feel great this afternoon.  And, let me put it this way, having terrible allergies since a child (and non-seasonal/full-year allergies, at that) makes you appreciate when you actually do feel pretty good!

Today was a rather laid back day, overall.  We took my husband to work in the morning, bought a few things at Target, danced around the living room to the 3rd volume of Yo Gabba Gabba (yes, we have all three!).  Then, we had playgroup.  As per usual, Roger had a fantastic time in playgroup, without actually interacting with the other two kids.  His favorite part of playgroup was the parachute toy.  He loved to spin underneath it and to lay and kick on top of it.  He was all smiles!

Fortunately, he fell asleep on the way home from playgroup — the past month Roger has only taken naps that have begun either in the car or in the stroller.  It is easier than putting up a fight and ending in an awful headbanging session.  After his nap, I made him a grilled cheese and fruit salad (watermelon, grapes and strawberries).  Again, we listened to the CD and danced around the living room until his afternoon sitter arrived and work began again for me.

What a fantastic day with my lil man!

First off, my son’s autism diagnosis is a formal diagnosis.  It is not one person’s uneducated opinion.  My son first had three evaluations before being placed in the Extended Early Intervention Program for children at-risk for autism.  He receives therapy five days a week.  His occupational therapist also suggested an ADOS in her initial evaluation.  Plus, the ADOS team consisted of three professionals who had not met Roger and his “team” at the Parent Infant Program.  That means there were five people educated in autism that all agreed on my son’s diagnosis.

Secondly, my husband and I have noticed something different about our son since bringing him home from the hospital — even in the hospital.  He could never be soothed.  For nearly the first six months of his life, he could not be soothed or distracted besides being fed and his, occasional, sleep.  We had thoughts that we were not “natural” parents because we could not make our lil boy happy.

Thirdly, there are many, many things we see on a daily basis and have to deal with on a daily basis that confirms the diagnosis.  I do not need to make a huge list (which it would be) to convince you.

Finally, especially since the majority of our friends and family have not seen Roger in over a year, how do they know how he is?  They do not know our son.  They cannot make blanket judgements.  I am sorry if it is too hard for you to deal with, but I have come to terms that my son has autism.

Yes, my son has autism and I love him dearly.  I love him no different than if he did not have autism.  He is a smart, talented little man.  He just processes the world a little differently than you and I and may need some extra help.  And, if you cannot comprehend this, perhaps you need some extra help too!

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you as I drink my “stress-relief” tea from my brand-new, oversized yellow kewpie doll mug!  Despite horrible allergies, today has been a fantastic day!

Our son woke at 5:40 and, as requested, Rob let me stay in bed while he took Roger out of the room.  However, as a half-hour passed I could hear Roger screaming because I was not out there, as I normally am.  He is fond of routine.

My husband made a delicious breakfast of french bread french toast, blueberries, strawberries, turkey bacon, and veggie sausage.  I had taken a Benadryl and warned him that I may fall asleep shortly.  However, he still insisted on having mimosas (since we made sure to have the ingredients for them).  Well, that did the trick.  Around 9 am I went to the bedroom.

At noon, I emerged feeling much, much better!  Shhh…I actually did some chores — laundry, put away dishes, wiped down the stove top and kitchen table, put away Roger’s toys from the morning, and made myself this cup of tea.

Due to the high pollen level outdoors, I am not sure if I will get out of the house today.  If I do, we may go to Barnes & Nobles and look around…and, possibly, have dinner out?!

Dinner truly will depend on our son. He does not do well in places too crowded and, obviously, too slow moving.  He usually says “All done” within minutes of being seated!

I hope your day is as laid back as mine!

Well, despite another sleepless night (due to Roger’s recent bout of fighting sleep), I woke up in a better state of mind.  I think my way of coping is, again, to evolve into a super advocate.

Today, I have advertised the ASD Parent Support in various sections of Craigslist, in the CNR, and on the Rowell Family Empowerment Center’s website.  I am hoping this will get the word out and create a better turnout for our May Support Group Meeting:  an attendance of 1 would be better than April’s attendance!

I am glad we had the ADOS because it once again helped me to get a new perspective on our home situation.  Today I have noticed how much of my interaction with my son is forced by me.  I intrude in all of his activities:  sometimes he leaves the room and the toy/book he was playing with, sometimes he lets me be in his space but still does not interact, and sometimes he enjoys my intrusion and we play together!  The first two always make me feel badly about my mothering.  However, I do have to remember to not take it personally.

Roger is the same amazing boy today as he was on Wednesday, prior to the diagnosis.  He is still doing the same behaviors and activities as he was doing on Wednesday.  Now, we only have the confirmation of a diagnosis.

It cannot be said enough how much I value the people in my life — all those who are supportive and have reached out in the past few days.  Thanks to all of you for everything you have done!

Today is the day I will always remember:  the day Roger officially got diagnosed with autism.  I gasped when they told us his diagnosis and the “team” was a bit shaken – worried about my reaction.  I immediately felt a lump in my throat and had the feeling like I was going to throw up (which I did first thing when I got home).

I thought knowing the diagnosis would give me peace of mind.  However, it killed my “hope” that he was not autistic.  Secondly, I think we downplayed the whole thing thinking the worst he may be diagnosed with was PPD-NOS.  However, he was firmly diagnosed as having AUTISM.  According to the DSM-IV, you need to meet the following:  2 criteria in social interaction, 1 criteria in communication, and 1 criteria in behavior.  He met 3 of 4 in social interaction (with the 4th being “some” not none), 2 of 4 in communication (with 1 being N/A due to his age and 1 being “some” not none), and 2 of 4 in behavior (with 1 being “some” and 1 being “none”).  That makes it a concrete diagnosis, not a “borderline” diagnosis.

It is funny because when I went over the modules with his Program Manager, I felt he would score worst in behaviors and was more optimistic about the social module.  I guess that is what you get when looking at this subjectively.

This is a lot to digest.  I cannot really express how I feel.  I do not really know how I feel.  All I know is how much I love my husband, my parents, and, most of all, my beautiful son!

So, the countdown continues with 17 hours and 42 minutes remaining until the ADOS begins.  This morning my son’s Program Manager went over what to expect at the ADOS (especially at Chico State University – how the room is set up).  There will be no table to “prompt” him to attend, as there is during his session.  Instead, it will be more laid out as an unstructured playroom.  This concerns me.  The lil man has a tendency to quickly move from one toy to the next when not made to sit and attend.

The ADOS is broken down into three sections:  social, communication, and behaviors.  We went over what types of questions to expect in each session.  The first two sections (social and communication) are much more difficult to pinpoint how he will score.  We know he has language delays, but do not know how extreme his score will be.  The social section I am very confused over — he may have eye contact, he may interact, or he may be in his own world.  The third section is much more clear-cut.  He shows all the “red flags” in this section.  As has happened in the past, I now feel more dismal than I have in the weeks leading up to the ADOS.

Was I wearing rose-colored glasses?  Should I continue wearing them until I hear the diagnosis?  Maybe I will need to have a drink or two later tonight?  I do not know how I shall spend the next 3/4 of a  day!

Yes, I am full of anxiety…I am counting down the hours (and minutes and seconds, thanks to the time and date website) to our son’s ADOS.  Currently, as I began this blog, there are 49 hours until the ADOS begins.  I have been sleeping not very soundly the past few days and I can only imagine the next two nights of sleep will even be worse.  I am hoping to have a big sigh of relief once the ADOS actually begins.   However, I can only imagine what that hour deliberation will be like when they compile his scores and decide my son’s diagnosis.  That would be a fun-filled hour, eh?  Maybe I will have to get a quick drink!

In the meantime, I will distract myself with work, bills, laundry, and planning for the lil man’s second birthday.

I wish I was one to meditate….

As the date of his ADOS nears, my husband and I keep reflecting on how our son was a few months ago prior to therapy and how he is now.  The change is really amazing in 3 short months!  I think if you look at things daily, you would miss the change.  However, when you make the comparison, it truly is more than I could have hoped for!

Our son can attend at a table for a period of time.  He can give eye contact to continue playing.  He knows and uses several signs.  He has actually started noticing and looking at other children at the park.  He sometimes plays with his 3-piece puzzle without being prompted to do so.  He imitates words now.  He helps put away his things.  He, literally, says “bye” to everyone.  He is excited to see Daddy and Mommy.

Again, an average person would think:  of course a 21 month old could do all of those things….he should even be doing more.  But to us, this is so much progress in so little time.

Of course, as mentioned before, I do not think our son is autistic – socially he has advanced leaps and bounds.  However, we are curious what boy they will see that day:  the boy who can attend and interact or the boy who will just hop, hop, hop for two hours straight.  This morning at the gym’s daycare a daycare worker told me how last weekend all the lil man did for two hours was non-stop hop.  I have not seen him do this outside of our house.  This concerns me a little bit.  I am sure he will not score greatly if he only hops for the ADOS!

Time will tell…but I am guessing the wait until Thursday at 10 am will be a long one!