Category: Uncategorized

Here are some short writings I did at the workshop months ago.  The topics were just exercises, like what is your favorite color.

Currently my favorite color is red.  Why red?  Mainly because it is my son’s favorite color.  He eats the red popsicles first, chooses the red train, concentrates on the red instrument in music class.  He always point to objects and says “red” excitedly.  He is a sensory seeker and, to me, the color red is a reflection of that and a reflection of him.

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I feel like I am no longer able to be what I want to be when I grow up.  My focus is not myself, but my son.  Maybe my “grown up” role is advocate.  I am my son’s advocate and I would like to advocate for others.  I facilitate the ASD Parent Support Group and hope to get more involved when I have the rest of my life in control.

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Looking at multiple databases, my eyes squint comparing information.  My head is aching and my eyes are strained.  How many hours of this do I have left?  It is becoming increasingly difficult to concentrate.  My backside is literally aching.  “Can you have the remaining 88 records completed in the next hour?”  Although I say I will try, I look at the completed folder and see only 160 records completed in the last three hours.  It is an impossible task.  My mind is trying to move faster than the computer.  Down to 28 records…that will have to do…

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The life that was before…the life before Chico, the life before Roger, the life before Autism.  I miss being alone on a city street, lost among the buildings, cars, traffic, crowds, noise.  I miss being responsible for only me.  I miss being able to go anywhere at anytime without much of a care (however, I have always been a worry wart, so I always did have a care!).  What I do not miss is not having this great love that now flows from Roger.  I love and miss the city, but would not wish to hide in that background anymore.  I am now in this little city, making strides for my amazing son who is making strides daily.

Today, being the start of Autism Awareness Month, I decided it was time to write a new post.  Then, I logged in and couldn’t believe my last post was mid-December!  So much has been happening this year.  The support group is having new attendees and new recurring attendees.  I have been trying to get healthier physically which is helping me get healthier emotionally/psychologically.  However, it has remained a stressful year.

It seems Roger needs consistency to the point that an unusual visitor, an unexpected interruption, a change in the normal routine, sets him off on hour long meltdowns.  We are actually looking into behavioral therapy to aid.  He gets his normal early intervention which has aspects of ABA.  His interventionist has a tendency to allow him to choose his activities and has been trying to make the sessions less structured.  This has impacted his other therapies, where he does not get the control, intolerable.  He screams, kicks, hits, tries scratching me, hurts himself, etc.  I take the brunt of the attack, along with himself.  It is sometimes horrific.  It is sad that I am sometimes scared of my son.  I can overtake him at 2 1/2 , but I am worried what may happen in the years ahead.  That is why a behaviorist is needed ASAP!  However, with insurance and all that crap, ASAP gets translated into months of waiting for approval.

On the flipside, Roger is absolutely loving and adorable.  He hugs me, kisses me, holds onto my leg, tries to attach himself to me.  He has a cute way of saying things:  pajamas comes out as dumb ass; “I am cute” first sounds cute then he repeats it in a death metal voice, he leads our expeditions by the back seat telling me:  this way, not that way…which is how he navigates our days.

I shall end my first post of Autism Awareness Month with my favorite autism quote (which perfectly describes my little man):  If you meet one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.”

Reality is setting in for me…reality that my son has autism and that it will not “magically” be gone one day.  I have kept this little part of me that holds friend’s reactions that “I would never have known he had autism if you didn’t tell us” as a token that, perhaps, we are looking too hard at Roger.  Despite the fact that Roger has had many evaluations that have come to the same conclusions, I still believed that perhaps he was not “that extreme” and that perhaps he could go mainstream without an aide.

The past few weeks have slapped me in the face.  I always glance around to see stranger’s reactions to my son.  Sometimes I even cringe at what he is doing.  However, I love him for what he is.  The “odd” behaviors are his personality.  When we go into situation with “typical” children, he is the odd man out.  BUT, at the same time, he is the one who appears to be enjoying himself the most, enjoying music more than anyone, enjoying dancing more than anyone, enjoying swinging more than anyone.

My husband and I were told by a mother of an autistic son that if, given the chance, his autism could disappear, she would not opt for that.  My husband thinks that’s a load of bull—-.  However, when I see him so full of life, I agree with that mother.  Don’t get me wrong, there is at least one time a day when I wish he could just sit still to finish a book (even a six-page book with 3 words on each page) or that he would not immediately flip out if a need/want takes more than 2 seconds to fulfill or that he could stop running in circles or shaking his head back and forth (even when he is no longer enjoying it but his body cannot stop).

I have been having massive mood swings.  I am constantly depressed and my husband gets the brunt of my rage.  I feel out of control a lot of the time, but don’t know what to do.  I am hoping I get a hold on things as time goes on and when reality sinks in more.

I love my son…I just hope it was easier (for him, for me, for my husband, for everyone).

Monday morning Roger started a “preschool” – Our Time Together that the parent also attends.  This is probably the first time in a long time that I have seen Roger in a structured space with “typically” developing children with an age range of roughly 1-2 years old.  I had told the teacher that Roger is in intervention through PIP (where the teacher previously worked) for autism, but did not share his diagnosis with the other mothers.  However, they must have concluded something because his interventionist attended (and will be attending with us).  I have to say I am thrilled Mariko will be there because there is no way in hell I could expend all that energy trying to keep Roger semi-focused and less than semi-attending.

I think that day set my mood for the week — which was a depressive, reflective mood.  Children much younger than Roger speak so much better than he does, attend so much better than he does, listen far better than he does.  It saddens me.  Having him normally around other autistic children and seeing his progress in therapy, I sometimes forget that he has these issues and that he is delayed and that is he is visibly “different”.

Yesterday, we went to the gym and when I picked him up, he was doing some peculiar behaviors — firstly, walking towards other kids lifting his shirt up to show off his belly (which is adorable and really not that terrible).  However, I then saw him kneel in front of a textured wall.  It had a picture made from stones which created bumps.  He was rubbing his face against the wall, back and forth.  I had to distract him to stop him.  That truly saddened me.  It was such an odd, sensory-seeking behavior.

This week Roger has been quite the sensory seeker and attending much less, especially during his intervention.  He has to stop and jump.  He has to stop and bang his head against our laps.  He has to stop and shake his head back and forth across my torso.  He has to put everything in his mouth (except for teethers and food).  My 28 month old is still chewing on books and any toy that can kind of fit in his mouth.

On the bright side, my son loves to laugh.  He loves to hop around the house.  He loves to repeat the last word of every line of a song or dialogue on tv.  He loves the abc’s and counting.  He loves his mommy, daddy, grandma, grandpa, Ashley and various intervention specialists who spend time with him each week.  He loves to wash his hands.  He loves watching videos, listening to songs, dancing around the room, screaming lyrics.  He has such a HUGE personality.  Everyone remembers Roger wherever we go!  I love my atypical son!!!

Yes, the year is almost over.

December just started and it feels like it is already whizzing by.  I look at my dry erase calendar for December and feel completely overwhelmed!  Besides our “normal” schedule, we have a couple of shifts — this week,  Roger’s speech therapy permanently moves to 7:45-8:30 in the morning Wednesdays and Fridays.  That may seem early to you guys.  However, Roger would be wide awake for a couple of hours by that time.  Plus, he seems more focused in the morning.  So, I am hopeful that this will be better for us all. We are still waiting to hear when his food therapy will begin and how it will fit into our packed schedule (it has been approved to start anytime in December).

In addition, being a holiday month and all, we have some extracurricular activities:  Rob’s work’s holiday party, visiting Santa, shopping, the Bizarre Bazaar, and spending our first night away from Roger to see El Vez in San Francisco.  I am anticipating a panic attack that night!

I am also planning to “fit in” a new cleaning schedule, so that I can get this place into shape!  This month also includes an IEP training and our Support Group, in addition to Hanukkah, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve (and a modified schedule for Roger’s sessions due to the holidays).  Add to this my father’s illness and my mother’s sciatica and I may exhaustingly make it to 2013!  I know I’ll blink and it will all be a blur!

Here’s hoping we all get to truly enjoy the Holiday Season!

What an odd word — glum.  When one writes out a word, it sometimes seem stranger than one had previously thought.  I actually googled glum because once typed out I was unsure if it was actually spelled correctly.  Then I saw the definitions pop-up:  moody, melancholy, and gloomy.  What a perfect word to describe my mood nearly fifty percent of the time (or maybe the entire time, since moody would infer that my mood would sometimes be gleeful).

I keep going over how I plan to make all these big changes in 2013 — healthwise,  which could affect my behavior and my glumness.  I have diagnosed myself with PMDD (yes, after watching an episode of Law and Order:  SVU).  If that is the case, they do recommend less caffeine and more exercise — 2012 has been a practice of the opposite.  I have been trying to eat healthier this week.  However, I am an emotional eater.

Yesterday, we received news that my father’s cancer has returned.  Naturally, my glumness came back in full affect with an emotional outburst of eating crap!  I am very thankful I will be able to be with my father through his treatment.  Previously, I was pregnant and he was in Florida.

2013 will be a healthier year for us all.  The end of this year and the beginning of next may have it’s trials, but we will come out stronger and more knowledgeable and, hopefully, with less glum!

Last night was the second time I did not put my son to bed.  The first time was at my husband’s Holiday Party last December; the second time (last night) was another work party.

Despite being saddened by not seeing my son go to bed, I really wanted to have a great time.  The party was great, although, at times, claustrophobic.  The fashion show and acrobatics were a lot of fun to watch.  However, as the time got closer to 9 and then 10 pm, I was completely done with the entire event.  I was glad to be able to be a part of it.  But the anti-social old lady emerged and was tired and withdrawn.  I don’t think I could have feigned a conversation if my life depended on it.

Since Roger received his diagnosis, I see aspects of myself that he has acquired.  And I learn more about myself and my own quirks that could be classified as sensory processing issues.  They do not affect me as much as they do my son and I am able to reasonably function with my issues.  Unlike my son, who sometimes gets so withdrawn or so distracted that it can be nearly impossible to get his attention.

Knowledge is power.  Learning why Roger does this or that but not this nor that has opened my eyes.  I still have so much to learn — about him, about myself, about the world.

Here’s to more knowledge!

Time is so strange.  I cannot believe that Thanksgiving is almost upon us, then a couple weeks after that  is Hanukkah, and a couple of weeks after that is Christmas, and a week after that is 2013.

Some days can feel SO LONG — like today, like this entire week.  Then, I turn around and cannot believe Halloween was almost two weeks ago and it felt like yesterday!

What makes time move so slowly and so quickly at the same time.

The time dynamic makes me want to take in everything with Roger that much more.  Some days I may be at the end of my rope, but then I think that in no time he will be in school and not want anything to do with me!  I should appreciate being his personal jungle gym!

About a month ago, I spoke with Roger’s case manager regarding preschool options.  She said we’d be meeting with an education rep during his next IEP when Roger is 2 1/2, in February 2013.  She said she could try to move the discussion closer.  Then, I realized with all the holidays, February would seem like next week.  No need to move that date up.

Tick tock, tick tock…

Here’s hoping 2013 is a healthier year than 2012 when I let stress overrun a lot of my life.

But, why should I wait, I need to start making changes sooner than later.

Tick tock, tick tock…

It seems so bizarre that it is finally election day.  So much has been going on the past few weeks:  family and friends in the tri-state area, Roger’s chronic cough appointments, Roger’s hellish sleep schedule, and life in general.

I know that in a half hour or so, I know the surreal feeling will be replaced by fear.  Fear that there is a chance that civil rights could undergo a huge regression.  Fear that my son may be affected by cuts to federal programs that help with his autism early intervention.  Fear that ignorance will prevail.

I have mixed emotions about watching the election results.

Good luck to us all!

I do not know why I do this to myself.  Watching episodes of Law & Order: SVU and having a toddler (with a disability) do not mix.  However, I torture myself.

It leaves me worrying.  Concerned about preschool, strangers, friends, family, etc.  It shows worst case scenarios — I am assuming from actual predators.  Yet, I continue to watch it and be disgusted by humanity!

Maybe someone can explain this to me.

The “Life is Good” mantra is alive and well in the Israel household.

We did have a play date today that was less than stellar.  Roger was very upset about a child coming into his house.  He was excited when he saw the mother get out of the truck, but started crying when he saw her getting the toddler out.  That mood continued off and on throughout the play date.  He kept isolating himself — going into the office or the bedroom and closing the door.

I am hoping if we have a play date at our friend’s house, perhaps, he will be in better spirits.  I also hope that his temperament does not scare off the mother or toddler and that we can continue having play dates.

Tomorrow, we will be having his intervention at the park.  His interventionist wants to help him socialize with children outside of his PIP playgroup.  After today’s play date, I think we will need to incorporate this type of session more often!

I was always anti-social until I moved out of state.  I guess my son is following in my footsteps!  Well, let me clarify that:  I was anti-social with everyone, while Roger is a social butterfly with adults but retreats when other children are involved.

It has been a good week with some minor instances — a bad cut to my finger, almost jamming Rob’s finger in the car window.  It is so easy to overlook these issues when everything else is going smoothly!

The past week and a half have been blissful.  Roger is doing really well in all of his therapies.  He is in great spirits.  This is in sharp contrast to the weeks prior when each intervention was a crying/screaming session.  Each outing had terrible, unpredictable behaviors.  It is so funny that when you are in a good place and someone commends your “special needs” parenting, you think of it as no big deal.  However, weeks ago I would have agreed with them how difficult it is.  Not to say we don’t have our bumps even while everything is going well.

Roger is giving up food.  Since roughly around 15 months, he has become pickier and pickier.  It has gotten to the point where he has weaned himself off of anything really considered food and his diet consists of very few “snack” options and homemade smoothies.  I cannot stress enough how much he does not eat.   The end came when he stopped eating pizza, chick’n nuggets, mac-n-cheese, and blueberry muffins.  I am dreading the moment when he decides he no longer wishes to drink smoothies!

Thankfully, I was told of a single food therapist in Chico (or actually a speech therapist who specializes in food needs, I believe).  I called Far Northern and am getting a referral placed for these services.  Hopefully, it will not be too long of a wait for the evaluation and services to start!

In the meantime, smoothies will continue to be Roger’s only form of nutrition — berries, apple, yogurt, protein powder and spinach.

I have decided to write a new post today.  I am not sure what this will be about or if it will go anywhere.  I logged in and realized it’s been over a month since my last posting!  It’s amazing that when I should blog most often — when things are feeling completely out of control and I should get things off my chest — is when I cannot muster up the energy to type.

This week has been very kind to me (despite the broken toe).  Roger has been an adorable toddler, Rob’s been a sweet hubby, my parents have been here when I need them, and my niece is watching my son as I work paying so much attention to him!

This week, I wholeheartedly believe in the statement:  “Life is Good”.  I know most of my posts end up sounding negative, but today I cannot refrain from pointing out all the positives in my life:  a loving husband, a fantastic, whimsical son, supportive parents and niece who live nearby, a beautiful house, the opportunity to work from home, beginning to establish friendships, a successful support group.

Therefore, I will state it one more time:  LIFE IS GOOD!

It is not unusual for me to feel overwhelmed.  However, last week, I anticipated a more restful week this week since I have been pacing my work and should be able to relax more during Roger’s naps (if he naps).  For some reason, I feel more overwhelmed than usual today.  Almost panicky.  And, did I mention, completely exhausted?!

I did hope Roger would nap today, but no such luck. Actually, he did fall asleep for about 10-15 minutes on our walk, but woke up about 3 minutes after I put him in bed.  I really could have used the rest today.  I am feeling run down and completely starving.  I am not limiting my intake today.  It’s just one of those hungry days.  Completely insatiable.

I wish my post was more than a bitch and moan, bitch and moan.  BUT this is what it is.  As I typed that sentence, I heard a thud against the house.  As I look out of the window, I see 3 high school kids walking by.  Perfect timing, you stinkers!

Last night while cuddling next to my sleeping toddler, I questioned my whole thought on transitioning him to his own bed.  I love these nights and waking up to him in the mornings.

However, that thought quickly vanished when, not even hours later,  the little man was rolling all about my head.  He wants to share my pillow — meaning I have about 4 inches of space for my head and the rest is for his head.  I guess dangling my head from the bed seems like a good solution to him!

Through his morning wake-up ritual of rolling all over the bed, singing his “nay nay” and “da da da’s”, putting his finger up my nose and labeling “nose”, I tried to explain to him that we were going to get him his own big boy bed that he will be sleeping in on the floor of his own bedroom.  I am quite certain he did not listen to a word I said.

Me being perpetually grumpy and him being perpetually whiny is a cycle that needs to end soon.

Let’s hope we survive til then!

Yes, sirree I am writing in my blog two days in a row!

My new obsession is redesigning Roger’s bedroom into a somewhat Montessori toddler room.  This weekend we will shop for a twin mattress, some Roger-picked sheets, maybe a small bookcase…What started this frenzy?  Two things, primarily:  Number 1 is complete lack of sleep — Roger is sleeping so terribly and causing me to sleep terribly as well.  This is not making for pleasant days; just very moody, long ones!  Secondly, the occupational therapist suggested we start the process of weaning him from the family bed.

I have tried mentioning this to Roger, but I am not sure he knows yet what I am speaking of.  I think he will love the idea of a twin bed on his bedroom floor.  I do not think he will love the idea that he is supposed to sleep in it by himself.

However, I do realize that preschool starts in less than a year and I have been trying to keep my toddler a baby.  I think we’ve been subconsciously doing so because of his delays.  I have seen great strides in therapy and I think it is time for us to put more control in Roger’s itty bitty hands!  Choosing some clothes, brushing his teeth, possible potty training down the line, and sleeping in his own bed.

All of this may be more difficult for me than him…

Well, it has been two months since I have written in my blog.  However, I would not refer to it as a respite.  With Roger’s current therapy schedule and my current sitter/work schedule, we have little spurts of free time:  Tuesdays after 10:30 til Roger’s possible naptime, Monday afternoons and Wednesday afternoons after 3:15.  Of course, our weekends remain pretty open with the exception of errands.

It seems that after 3 plus years here in Chico, we may be starting to find our niche.  Roger has his “girlfriend” and his best friend.  That is a good start!  Roger is a high commodity here in town. It seems wherever we go, people tend to remember Roger from our days at the library.  I will attribute this to his very big personality and non-stop running/dancing/touching/escaping.

What else can I say about the past two months?  Well, Roger turned two.  Both sets of grandparents were at his birthday party!  Our ASD support group is growing.  My parents help Rob and I get time alone and help me on a daily basis — either with helping with Roger or just listening to me.

With all these good things happening, it is hard to imagine that I can still be a bit blue.  However, I am and I think that may have been one of the factors of my writing halt.  I felt entry after entry was just depressing.  Secondly, time was and still is an issue.

We will see how often I keep this up.  Not a very exciting post, but a post nonetheless.  Cheers to me!

As is usual, I have been very reflective.  I am a very polarizing individual, I do believe.  I am opinionated, can be loud, can be obnoxious, am usually sarcastic, have a realistic (i.e., pessimistic) outlook on life, etc.  I think some people cannot deal with such a person.  I have decided, “To thine own self be true…”.  I am not going to be one person for you and a different person for others.  The only instance I do this is in professional relations.  However, if we are “friends” or “acquaintances” and you do not like my blunt viewpoint, you may “defriend” me both on Facebook and in life.  That may seem harsh, but what I truly have as a pet peeve is someone who complains, is negative and bleak in one instance and portrays themselves like an optimistic, cheery, blessed being for others.  Listen, I am a complainer and usually have a dismal outlook.  Yes, I do love my family and my life and am “blessed”, but I am not a sugary sweet individual.

In some aspects of my life I have decided to take some initiative to alter my personality a bit.  I have a tendency to rib the individuals I am closest to (especially my husband).  We bicker back and forth and constantly make fun of each other.  We are both laughing as we do so, but I no longer find this healthy.  People looking at us may think we do not like each other much.  I don’t want Roger to think we do not respect each other and that it is okay to “make fun” of people.   I respect my husband and he respects me, but I think we get carried away.  Maybe we are both struggling comedians (We are both jewish…hmmm).

Life is complicated.  People are complicated.  I confuse even myself.  I may need to change in some areas, but overall I like my Opinionated Pinko-Commie self!

I have been in a bit of a slump…have not been blogging, have not been exercising as much as I should, have not been sleeping well, have not been eating well, have not been managing stress well.  To sum it up, I have been down in the dumps and you would not want to be near me most of the time.

I have always been a morning person, so every morning I awake in pretty good spirits.  However, that feeling quickly gets dissolved by exhaustion.  Then, I usually try to talk myself into a new, healthy start:  I will exercise on such and such days, I will start eating this and that and not eating that and this, etc.  Then, when gym time starts creeping up on me, I start thinking, but I am too tired to work-out, I have too many other things to do, or could I just go to bed instead?  The cycle continues into all areas of my life and it just adds to the depression.

How does one get out of this place?  I feel like I have been here for years!

Saturday was my thirty-ninth birthday. I woke to a happy little boy sticking fingers in my face. I love waking up next to the lil man. Rob continued the happy momentum by showering me with gifts! It was a fantastic, mellow morning.

We started the brunch hour with a walk to the farmer’s market, followed by mimosas and pizza at Grana. Roger was such a good boy at brunch. Afterwards, we went to the park, got coffee, and took a walk until Roger fell asleep for his nap.

Fortunately, my parents were able to watch Roger while Rob and I had a nice dinner out. I failed to mention that we were able to fit in a movie during Roger’s nap, Amoldovar’s “The Skin I Live In”. It has been quite a long time since I was able to enjoy a good movie at home.

I couldn’t have asked for a better way to start my thirty-ninth year!

Now that Roger’s therapy has begun again (this time with an interventionist who is supposed to remain Roger’s interventionist until his program ends at the age of 3), I am feeling that things are falling back into place.  Add to that the fact that Roger is starting to bond with his grandparents, I can feel myself almost able to heave a sigh of relief!

I think Roger and I function better with a consistent and full schedule.  In the next few weeks, his interventionist schedule will become a consistent M-F 8:30 start time.  When that happens, I feel our schedule will be complete and that we will know what to expect next (as much as one can).

That being said, he will be having his speech therapy evaluation in July and start speech therapy in August.  I hope that will not cause a big upheaval.

At least, July should be a very good month!

Looking forward to a time of peaceful existence…whenever that may be!

I have been in a “poor Roger” and “poor me” mood as of late.  Yes, things are difficult.  Yes, I want to run away some days.  Yes, I wish the circumstances were different.  However, I do not want to pity myself…or have you pity me…or have you say what a fantastic parent I am doing all this for my son.  Who would not do this for their child?  Am I a good mom because my son has autism?

I have not blogged the past few days and was not planning to blog today.  But, I wanted to state the above and not have anyone concerned about my absence from the “blogosphere”. I think I need to take a vacation from autism.  I know that is impossible, but I do not feel like dwelling on it at the present time.  I dwell enough in my head that I do not want to blog about it and burden you too!

Therefore, my hiatus shall continue til I change my mind (which could be next month or the next hour!)…

This week, Roger had 1 1/4 therapy sessions.  His last session was Tuesday morning.  I received notice on Wednesday that his interventionist will be changed.  His program manager set an appointment to discuss this with me Thursday morning.  Thursday morning the second bomb was dropped — my program manager will be changed as well.  There was no additional information:  when the new manager and interventionist would begin, what his schedule would be, perhaps there’d be a sub in the meantime…Roger was very upset when she left.  I think he expected her to play with him (as she sometimes does his therapy).  I feel terrible that he is having a gap in services.  I love to keep him scheduled.  We both need it dearly.

This morning we got the answers:  Roger will be on vacation from PIP therapy next week and his new interventionist will begin June 18th.  I will meet the new program manager next Wednesday with Carley.  Finally, his schedule will be inconsistent:  M/W/Th:  8:30 sessions and T/F 10:45 sessions.  The Tuesday/Friday sessions will be painful for him, since he awakes at 5:30.  This means juggling around the babysitter’s schedule too.  Tuesday and Fridays she will be working 7:45 am – 10:45 am.  I am sure she is thrilled by the early morning hours!

I hope it is all for the best…Time will tell.

I feel people disregard that fact that I work because I am a WAHM  (work-at-home-mom).  Also, I feel, as a mother, I also get disregarded.  Roger’s interventionist arrives late for therapy sessions, I receive texts asking if I can make last-minute rearrangements for the sitter’s schedule, my lack of sleep is not as important as someone who works outside of the home.  I do not get to sleep during Roger’s nap time, I have to work.

There are times that I “put my foot down”, but usually feel guilty about it afterwards.  Yesterday, I sent an e-mail to Roger’s program manager complaining about his interventionist’s constant tardiness.  Normally, I would feel badly about such an e-mail.  However, I just feel more enraged.  I have to admit I do not feel connected to his interventionist the way I was with his first interventionist.  I could take or leave her.  She is nice, but a tad flaky and very high energy which seems to rile up Roger.  His first interventionist was very calm and that seemed to rub off on Roger, at least during session time.

Currently, I am really wanting a break.  No, I don’t want to grab coffee outside of the house or go to a movie. I would love just to pull the sheets over my head and do nothing for an entire day.  How can I accomplish this goal of mine?  If I do, maybe I won’t be quite as pissed at the world!  In the meantime, watch out for me…

I cannot catch up on sleep.  I wake up so tired and just get more tired as the day continues.

Roger is on the same path.  He wakes up at 5:30 and cannot be talked into falling back to sleep.  Then, he just yawns and yawns and gets very cranky and irritable for his therapy session and crashes with the babysitter.  How can we break this cycle and get the sleep we so desperately need?  *Any advice would be appreciated!*

Besides going through the day like the walking dead, I do try to keep our day scheduled and filled with a similar routine.  I am not getting used to feeling sleep deprived.  Is Roger?  It would be one thing if he was still happy-go-lucky then we could accept that he only needs that much sleep.  However, this is not the case.  It makes both of our days more emotional, stressful, and long!

I wish the next cup of coffee will successfully wake me up.  I am truly doubtful.

Klutziness is a family trait.

This Thursday, prior to my dentist appointment, I decided to stop at Safeway to pick up a few things.  However, I barely made it into the store.  I tripped over the curb leading to the store and nearly crashed into a family!  The oddest thing about tripping is while the act was occurring I was trying to figure out how to stop this catastrophic event.  Unable to do so, I did not think about how to lessen the fall — put hands out to protect face.  Instead, my forehead, chin, left hip, and inner right knee hit the pavement.  I rolled over and kept my face covered until I was courageous enough to unmask myself — both out of embarrassment and fear of a bloody face.  I was helped up by the woman I almost ran over and noticed quite a few people looking on.  I kept apologizing…for what, I do not know.  I kept stating how embarrassed I was also.  It is strange what comes out of your mouth when you do not put a filter on yourself.  I think the apologies and stated embarrassment continued for five minutes or so.

I grabbed a shopping cart while holding back tears and tried to go shopping.  However, the tears did come and my body started shaking.   I could not stop either from happening.  In addition, the pain started creeping in.  I decided to leave the cart in the store and get to the car as quickly as I could without tripping again.

Once in the car, I knew I could not drive.  I looked in the mirror and was amazed you could not see anything — a little bump on the forehead and chin.  I was aching…my head and chin throbbing…and the shakes continued.  I called my mom and Rob before I tried to head home.  I got home quickly and remained in the car for a few minutes — for fear of Roger accidentally hurting me.  But, the heat drove me out of the car.  I got in the house and bee-lined to the bedroom.

Two days have passed and the pain remains.  It actually feels a bit worse.  The majority of my pain is in my neck and upper back, my left arm – which must have hit the ground or twisted or something, my left hip, and my abs — as if I did crunches or something.  I am hoping it feels better by Monday.  If not, I guess I may have to go to the doctor (although our day is pretty packed already).

C’mon body, fix yourself!

The past few days have been extremely stressful.

Rob and I are excited to have my parents here in Chico.  However, Roger is not so keen on the idea.  He has been crying off and on since they arrived early Tuesday afternoon.  I thought it would cease by now.  It is starting to make my parents feel badly, especially my mother whom he seems to have a more adverse reaction to.  The perpetual meltdowns are exhausting all of us!

Besides the exhaustion, I am unable to do anything that requires me to leave the room that Roger is in.  It is making every day little tasks turn into monumental events:  laundry, dishes, going to the bathroom, etc. This is causing more stress and exhaustion.  My body feels incredibly tense head-to-toe.  Plus, my energy is gone and the yawning begins at 6 am and ends at 10 pm (or whenever I can actually fall asleep).

The past week has been incredibly overwhelming for Roger (and the rest of us).  Thursday night was the Support Group, Friday was the Fair, and Saturday we went away to Ashland.  Tuesday, we tried to get Roger back on routine, but my parents arrived that afternoon — upsetting his routine and his environment.  I feel so badly for him, for my parents, his sitter, and for my husband and I.

I have to admit I feel the most sorrow for Roger and myself — the two of us who have to deal with his meltdowns the most frequently!

After weeks of looking in the mailbox in anticipation, I finally received Roger’s ADOS Report today.  I grabbed it before putting Roger in the car for his M/W Autism Playgroup at the Parent Infant Program.

Once settled into PIP, I opened what appeared to be quite a lengthy report by the feel of the envelope.  I quickly realized more than half of the items were his previous reports and questionnaires we had filled out prior to the ADOS.  Then, I scanned the report — namely for the infamous score.  Roger’s score in the communication section was 4 (autism cutoff = 4; autism spectrum cutoff = 2).   His score for the reciprocal social interaction was 13 (autism cutoff = 7; autism spectrum cutoff = 4).  His total score of 17 falls in the classic autism range (autism cutoff = 12; autism spectrum cutoff = 7).  I guess I could change the subtitle of this blog from “Our journey into the autism spectrum” to plain old “Our journey into autism”.  It was a good thing to open at the playgroup because there were other parents there going through the same thing.  We joked about how well Roger did on his test!  And a friend told us about her experience at her son’s ADOS and how he displayed classic autistic behaviors that she had never seen him do in any other setting.  We joked about how amazingly well he did and how good his “grade” will be.

Joking aside, it still saddens me to get these reports.  I knew what it was going to say (not specifically, but in the ballpark) and it still affects me so!  Why is that?  I tried reading the report more thoroughly, but ended up scanning it for awful remarks, but did not see any.  His first evaluation at PIP remains the most cynical….well, besides his OT evaluation.

Later this evening, I shall try to read the report again front to back, not missing any words.  Perhaps a glass of wine will accompany me…or a seven-layer fudge cake?

Well, our Memorial Day / 5th anniversary weekend was memorable.

It began Friday evening when we decided to take Roger to the Silver Dollar Fair.  I was excited to see his reaction to the animals and lights and the whole hub-bub.  When we entered the fair, we immediately bumped into Roger’s sitter.  You would think he had never seen her or, even more precise, that he did not see her at all.  She excitedly said “Hi” and tried to get Roger’s attention, but he looked through her.  This demeanor pretty much remained at the fair.  When we entered the bunny room, where Roger even had the opportunity to pet a rabbit, he kept his eyes on the fan and we had to pressure him to quickly glance at the bunnies.  I have never seen a child ignore animals so much.  We can even have people bring their pets up to us and let us pet them.  I end up being the only one who pets the animal while Roger looks past it or through it.

Saturday, we left for Ashland, Oregon.  The drive was beautiful.  Roger napped for a little over an hour on the drive and was pretty well behaved the remainder of the drive.  Our visit was very low-key:  walks downtown and to the park, a drive to the winery, eating out…However, the change in routine and scenery really must have upset Roger’s system.  He had meltdowns almost the entire weekend.  It was absolutely exhausting.  The best day was Monday when he slept the majority of the ride home and was thrilled to be back at home.

I think we have decided to put a respite on weekends away with Roger.  It is too difficult for him to handle, which makes it really miserable for us.  Poor baby (and poor hubby and poor me)!

Well, last night was the second support group meeting and attendance was up!  Instead of two (Rob and I), it shot up to four (another couple).  That might not sound earth-shattering to you.  However, if the numbers keeps doubling each meeting…you do the math!

Actually, it was really nice being able to talk about parenthood with another couple in a similar situation.  Our sons’ first six months mirrored each other.  We discussed the difficulty, the depression, the questioning, the endless cries that could not be soothed, the difficulty getting our children to sleep, and the hatred of the baby swing!  The continuing issues with eating, the sensory integration issues, the autism diagnosis.  Although that may not sound like “happy” conversational topics, it was always nice to see each other looking at our kids with smiles on our faces at what they are doing and not dwelling on what they are not doing.

The only downside of the meeting was Roger’s reaction to the scenario. He did not have a meltdown or cry or make any sort of fuss.  Instead, overwhelmed by all the new stimulation, Roger completely shut down and went into his own world.  My husband showed up after we did and Roger did not acknowledge him at all.  I would physically bring Roger up to his father and he would not glance at him, acknowledge him, or react in any way.  After several attempts, I noticed he did not even seem to “see” me or anyone else in the room.  He did, at the beginning, stroll around looking at different toys and objects (especially the lights and fans).  Eventually, he just sat by a tricycle and played with the wheels.  Nothing could tear him away.

If not for the conversation, I would have been quite depressed.  Rob actually said, after the meeting, how hurt he was that Roger did not even care he was there.  Today, he has been going in and out of his own world.  He does not want to do what is asked of him, but does not seem to know what he wants to do either.  We have been told there will be ups and downs, progression and regression.

The past few weeks have been fantastic, so we may be having a few “not-so-fantastic” days.